Hi.
I really don't know how to go about explaining what I want to, but I'll try anyway.
I found this forum by typing "i don't want to live anymore" in google. I realize that might sound strange but somewhere deep inside I wanted answers... and since lying on my bed and crying didn't seem to offer any I decided to google for them.
I would have to say that I don't really consider suicide too much. I consider it much in the same way I consider throwing the phone accross the room when I've had a bad call. For a brief moment it is there and then my muscles relax and I realize that it might help momentarily, but in the long run I'll just have to pay for a new phone. (I'm not sure what the spiritual correlation to that might be, but...) Anyway...
I began reading some of the posts and my tears dried. I wouldn't say I always felt like "noone anywhere would ever understand me" but to know that people (no matter what they may be like in reality) can open up in the anonymity of the internet... well... it made me feel a bit better. It caused me to rethink my own problems.
I have many, and maybe I'll get into them sometime, but I refuse to believe they're worse or better than anyone elses. We ALL have problems and some of the things I witnessed digitally walking past here reaffirmed in me the idea that... people everywhere are hurting.
*avoids the obvious REM reference*
I also began to wonder about why my thoughts turn to what they do when I'm faced with adversity. I've always believed that getting to the root of a problem will help clear away all the brush and shrubbery above (especially those annoying burrs and thorns)
So, before I get TOO long winded (too late), I ask of you... why?
Some depression is fueled by a sense of loss, or maybe the onset of a feeling of helplessness, or any number of other things... chemical imbalance being a common root...
I myself am very lazy, that coupled with numerous outside factors and various other things make it very hard for me personally to change what I need to.
And then I ask myself... do I want to? Sometimes the pain and emotional discomfort makes me feel somewhat... alive... for a better word. Could I be addicted to emotional pain like some are to physical pain?
A counselor would certainly help, but my current situation makes it highly improbable of that happening. (I won't say impossible, because... well... I don't think many things that might seem so are impossible)
So anyway... about my question. Why? If others would like to offer up their own personal answers it may help some people.
Why why why why why? I apologize if this seems silly but... whatever answers we have for our mutual feelings... why? Will the world end if what has caused my depression continues?
The sun will rise tomorrow and each of us has the power within to decide how we view the coming day. Hollow words until you realize it for yourself.
