little_buttercup

I watched "Unbranded" yesterday.

Tiny Buddha is a great website. I'm currently reading Nick Vujicic's book "Life Without Limits." He doesn't let the fact that he was born with no arms and no legs stop him from doing things and uplifting others. It's really inspiring.

I recently finished all of The Opposite of Loneliness: Essays and Stories by Marina Keegan, and have been re-reading parts that I like most. I think next I will finish Alexandre Dumas' The Count of Monte Cristo.

What do you love about it? I saw it at Goodwill one day and almost bought it. Most recently, I re-read The Hunger Games series. As for books I have not finished reading for the first time, there's "White Fang" by Jack London. I loved "The Call of the Wild" back in high school.

It's a good thing I'm single and not looking to date anyone...because I'm still see-sawing when it comes to you. The healing process definitely has its ups and downs. Right now I miss you terribly and I don't know what to do about it, except cry and type on here. I miss how we used to talk on Saturday nights over the phone. I miss how close we used to be, and how much we loved and cared about each other. You said a while back that you'd write, and you haven't. Are you going to keep me hanging again? It hurts. I want our close bond back but I don't know if it's possible. You still mean a lot to me, and you always will. I just need some more space to heal, I guess. I feel a little better now. Off to bed...hopefully tomorrow will be brighter.

Yesterday was my birthday, and you e-mailed last night. I'm halfway done writing you a reply, but I don't know if I will, or should, send it. On one hand, I want you back in my life. I miss our friendship. On the other hand, I haven't forgotten the hurtful things you said to me before. And you hadn't really acted like a good friend post-breakup. So...what do I do now? I guess I'll sleep on it...

I really miss you. I miss the happy, positive times from our relationship. And I miss our friendship. How is it possible that we went from loving each other to no longer even talking? Maybe I shouldn't think of you every day, but I do.

Why do I still care about you when it's obvious you don't feel the same?

Well, I read your message. I'm to blame for everything, huh? You said I wasn't happy enough, or confident enough, or worldly enough. You resented me for not visiting when you KNEW I was sick and couldn't go. You felt our relationship was "one-sided," that you put in all the effort while I did nothing in return. You finally mentioned all the "other" reasons we broke up. You brought up problems between us that I didn't even know we had because you never told me. You think I should follow everything you say to improve my life. You talked about your "current girlfriend" whom you're going to break up with soon because she's moving out of state. You say you "don't want to follow someone else's dreams," so you're staying put. You don't to risk getting hurt (like you were when you moved to be with your love and the relationship failed). You have no regrets about breaking up with your girlfriend soon. Just like you don't regret breaking up with me. It hurts knowing that our relationship meant so little to you. That I barely even matter to you. That what we had was only an illusion. I put so much effort into our relationship. Yes, I made mistakes. Yes, I tried to do what was best for us. But knowing how little you actually care hurts very deeply. I feel like my view of you is shattered and can never be fixed. I'll never be able to trust you again. And I don't ever want to talk to you again. From now on, I'm done.

So today I decided to shut the door on you. On us. To finally move forward. And I felt good about it. Then guess what happens? You e-mail me out of the blue. Talk about a shock. I read your e-mail and I'm not sure what to make of it. Part of me thinks you're being condescending again and part of me thinks you actually care. I just don't know what to do. Should I e-mail you back? Or not? My friends say to give it time to think over, so I'll do that. *sighs* I was all set to burn your letters and give away some items...this has set me back some. I just want to be over you, once and for all.

Dear ex, Today marks one year since you broke up with me. I can hardly believe it. Surprisingly, I'm handling it pretty well. No tears, not even close! (*cheers here*) T says you'll come crawling back eventually, which is possible...but I can't bank on it. I'm moving on with my life and working on the relationship inventory exercise from a great book. I do miss you, the you that I fell in love with, but I do not miss the crappy way you've treated me otherwise. That said, I do hope you find happiness.

I think this piece is something many people can relate to. I'm no longer a teen, but I remember feeling this way whenever a 'crush' developed. Good piece.

I really, really like this. The word choice, the imagery, the last part... "the futility of us" hits home. Do you have more poetry on here?

Is BPD borderline personality disorder? This is stunning. I think you explain what you go through really well. I like the phrase "How does it feel/to leave puddles of hell in your wake." Wow. Good job. I really enjoyed this.

Dear ex, I thought we could be just "close friends." But I blocked you on Facebook (again) a few nights ago. It was a pic of you and another girl. The same girl in the pic I saw in Sept. (when I briefly unblocked you) and in your post-Valentine's Day pic. See where this is going? I can't let you back in my life when I feel emotionally riled up like this. On one hand, I want you to be happy. On the other hand, I feel like I've been replaced. I feel hurt and even jealous of this girl because she's with you and I'm not. So, it was time for me to block you. I don't know how long it'll last. Maybe temporarily, maybe even permanently. But I can't be "just your friend" when I still have these feelings. I miss the old you, the one I fell in love with...but you've changed so much since then. I miss the good times we had. Maybe one day, we really can be "just friends." That will have to wait.