soybeans

How does it feel to be alone? You chose this.

I still sometimes wonder why you had to reach out to me. With the help of some friends, I have concluded that it was to solely relieve your guilt and nothing more. Well...how did that work out for ya? I'm sure you did it so you can try to make it seem like you aren't such a bad guy after all, but I want you to know that I could see right through it. I'm happy to say that the pain has dissipated greatly over the past few months. The longing for you, the constant agonizing over what went wrong. It's gone now. I do feel as though I am very close to getting over you, and I don't know how to feel about it. I guess it would be better if I was moving on to something or someone new, but I'm just moving on to emptiness pretty much. I will never understand what I did to deserve to be treated so horribly by you. You will never be able to explain, because the truth of it is, you are incredibly selfish and messed up in the head. There is no other excuse for your behavior towards me. I'm not saying I was perfect, but we both know that I tried and was too accepting of your faults and anger problems. You already told me that you realize the error of your ways, but that's about as far as it goes. There's nothing you can do to make it okay, because it's done with and we are over and will never be again. Never. Sure, you told me about your regret. But you did not mention you regret leaving or letting me go...just that you regret how you treated me. I guess that will suffice. I don't think you loved me the way you made me believe you did, or you wouldn't have done any of it. From what little I can see on the internet as well as the brief conversations I've had with you, you seem to be doing okay. Going out a lot to clubs, but I noticed that you have not had another girlfriend since we broke up. Why is that? Is it because you are showing your true colors more these days? I read your okc profile, and if I didn't know you, I wouldn't be inclined to message you. You sound so guarded and closed off. None of it is upbeat or friendly. Sometimes I think about how life is going for you now. I do want to know how you are doing, very much so. But it's just not worth it to reach out to you anymore. I feel nothing towards you. Numb. I still care, I'll always care, I wish you knew that. I just can't show it to you. I can never explain to you the magnitude of my feelings for you. I don't think we were right for each other though. I hope that you can learn from our relationship, for your next one, if you find a girl who is stupid enough to date you...but you won't. One last thing, I really would like nothing more than to see you. And not so I can be all dramatic and cry and ask you why you did what you did. I don't even want to talk about our relationship/BU. I just simply want to see you one more time. I think it would be helpful for me in closing this chapter of my life. But I'm not willing to take that chance and ask you. So I guess I just have to deal with it and maybe in the future it will happen. Take care of yourself, please. I worry about your substance abuse problems. But you're not my concern anymore. You're 26 years old and I know eventually you will move on from this phase in your life. Just not anytime soon. Until then, know that I will always have love for you, even if it isn't the same love as it once was. I'm going to try to make a better life for myself and I think you would be proud. Wish you could be there to see me graduate next month, but I suppose I can be proud for myself and that should be enough.

I miss you holding me.

I won't blame you, instead I will remember the kisses our lips raw with love and how you gave me everything you had and how I offered you what was left of me, and I will remember your small room the feel of you the light in the window your records your books our morning coffee our noons our nights our bodies spilled together sleeping the tiny flowing currents immediate and forever your leg my leg your arm my arm your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again. -Bukowski

I just want to know why you had to contact me. It's been driving me crazy the past few days. Do you care? Or was it just you trying to manipulate me to show weakness? I don't know what to make of it. It was all I ever wanted and I let it pass by.

Hope you have a good birthday. I'm thinking of you today.

It's true that I wanted you to reach out. You did. And to be honest, it has left me feeling very confused. It stirred up feelings in me that I have been trying very hard to let go of. Its been a constant struggle. I bottle it up inside because I know no one wants to hear it anymore, I don't even want to think about it anymore, but it's still there. Yeah, I felt strong that day you messaged me. I felt like I had the upper hand in the situation. But a week later, I'm back-peddling a bit. I was so convinced that you didn't care...for 10 months...so sure that I was forgotten. Then out of no where, you show me what I've been dying to see all this time and in that same moment, its gone. Why did you have to "check up" on me just to disappear again? Seems incredibly cruel and unfair. But then again, that's all you know how to be, right? You knew what you were doing. You knew it was going to shake me up. Still manipulative after all this time. I got what I wanted but it seems pointless now. It has been simmering inside of me these past few days...I was trying to brush it off. But it just hit me like a ton of bricks today.

Just thinking about when the last hurricane hit here a year or so ago, and how I went up to stay with you. You insisted on it, you didn't want me to be at my apartment alone. I felt safe...loved...protected...and that no matter what happened, I would be okay because we were together. You always gave me that sense of comfort. Apparently this hurricane is going to be worse than that one. And now I have no where to go. It's going to be worse where I live, not so bad by you, and I wonder if I have even passed through your train of thought. Nah, doubt it. You were too busy partying and rolling face to even think straight. Remember how you bought that inflatable raft as a joke? I remember you telling everyone about how I thought it was ridiculous, but you were determined to use it. You ended up returning it. Brings a smile to my face...ha. By the way, I had a dream about you last night. It was weird, because you were wearing your old work uniform, the one you were wearing the day you took a photo for me and sent it when we first started dating. I think it was my mind's way of saying I miss the old you. The person you were when I fell in love with you. I don't know who that was. I don't know you. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever miss me. At night before you go to sleep? That moment when you are alone in your bed with your thoughts. Do I ever cross your mind? I just want to know that I meant something to you, that's all.

Wow. Just saw a commercial for the jewelry store you work at, and you were in the background. I'm sure that has done wonders to your already overly inflated ego. It made my heart skip a beat. Here I am sitting alone on a Friday night missing you, and there you are. Just so strange. I can't believe I just saw that.

I really feel like I'm starting to fully get over you. I usually always think about you on my way home from work...today it was different. I can't really pinpoint it, I just felt myself slipping back into that old routine and then suddenly thought to myself- ugh, I'm wasting so much energy thinking about someone who is a stranger to me. Don't know why it has taken me 8 months to finally realize this but better late than never I suppose. Truth is, I can't even remember your face anymore, your voice, mannerisms...there's a faint image I have but its been fading for a while. I guess I was just desperately holding on to you for dear life. I didn't want to let you go. I wanted to hold on to whatever I could, including that false connection I was keeping alive with our memories being replayed constantly in my head. Well now, I don't know...life is taking its course? Wish things could have been different but I have to realize its out of my hands...always was. I was always the one trying, even after we broke up. I got nothing in return, always! I cannot blame myself for why we ended. You chose to be disloyal to me when I was 100% devoted. And now this is the way you want it and I have to stop being stubborn and just go with it, as much as it hurts me. It makes me sad still to know that you acted this way but it has a lot to do with my control issues. I wanted you to be a certain way and I think you did too but you just couldn't. It's okay. I know you tried, but it wasn't enough. I know you're happy so I will not say "I hope you're happy now" in that passive-aggressive tone. You're gonna do what you want and be impulsive and make drugs and money your number one priority. I know when its all said and done you are a miserable person inside and thats something you deal with on your own. Who knows what will happen to you in the future...again, out of my hands, but I'm sure you'll find what it is you are looking for. Another desperate, naive girl who doesn't know any better, and you can manipulate her til you've had your fill. As for me...well, I'm on to better things. Maybe not grand or amazingly exciting things, but something worth being optimistic about. Its been a slow process but I'm getting there. Your support was nice while it lasted but you know deep down you can't be concerned with anyone but yourself. You lack compassion and you are a very selfish person. And its ugly. I hope from here on out I can snap out of this. I know I'll continue to have my weak moments but I hope they aren't as strong, and few and far between. I just wish you knew that I truly loved you and that I genuinely cared for you. I was the best I could have been and I feel like it didn't mean anything. Now I'm going to try to be the best...for me...

Football sunday...makes sense why I'm feeling sad. I hated sports. But I would go hang with you and your friends while you watched. I had fun, because you were having fun. I didn't care, as long as I was with you. Now its on, your team is playing, and I keep thinking about this time last year. Despite working a 6 hour shift, I drove to you, did my homework there, because you wanted me to be there with you. I sacrificed so much and you didn't even care. I guess I didn't either. I know you're having fun. I know you're not thinking about me. I would love to know when I will stop thinking about you, because I haven't since January 16th.

I haven't had a Sunday off in quite some time. I always work on the weekends and it keeps me busy, but today I have off and its making me miss you. I don't know if its you or just having a boyfriend, I can't tell anymore. But I do miss us waking up, you making breakfast, and lounging around while you watched soccer. I miss our quirks. I miss being able to kiss you whenever I wanted...or hugging you randomly...burying myself in your "nook" and feeling that comfort. I don't think you're seriously dating anyone since your profile is still up and you log in everyday. But maybe you are, I don't know, I'm just assuming you're single and it makes me feel a bit better to know that. Hate how I still miss you and you have moved on fully. It makes me feel so pathetic. Days like today I'm flooded with nostalgia meanwhile you are sooo far gone its not even funny. Still have love for you. Don't know when I won't anymore.

The weather reminds me of you. How we would wake up together, cuddled under your blanket, put on our hoodies, and go out for a cigarette. You had your morning coffee and I would stay with you while you got ready for work. I absolutely adored you in every way. I wish you wanted me back. But you don't and you told me yourself. I'm trying to forget the pain, I really am. No one has come close to comparing to you or the way I felt with you. "Aint no sunshine when she's gone" came on shuffle...you always said it made you think of me. Doubt that was true.

I feel like for a really long time I was holding on to something that was just not there. I knew it was gone but I couldn't let go. I wanted to keep you as mine, I liked knowing that we were always doing things together and I had you....now, you're going wild and go to these club events and whatever. You're not even who you used to be and I was in denial about that this whole time (also had you blocked so I didn't know just how much you were going out) Bottom line is, you're happy with this crazy party lifestyle and its like I'm this miserable blob of nothingness just struggling to get by. I really want to reclaim my life. For ME. God, I just felt so good when we met. I've never felt like that before. And then when it was over I felt so empty. Still do. Its so weird to know that it even happened, it feels so surreal to look back on it all and how absolutely AMAZING you made me feel then. Now its just another experience in my life like anything else. Damn.