twitchyfingers

kid, that's a great behind-the-scenes perspective you're giving us of the dumper's point-of-view (your ex). Anyone who doubts the value of NC and focusing on one's self should read your last post!

It sounds like you are in a good space with your new lady, Kid55. And hey, check it out: true to your username, this epic thread has hit 55 pages. Maybe there's some magic in that number for you. Hope you'll keep posting here now and then. It's cool to see the progression from your first post through to the present.

I miss how you and I used to encourage and inspire each other, every day. I felt so energized and alive and motivated. This week, bleh, zero motivation for anything. I know my friends and family really want me to do well, and are pulling for me, but it's not the same of having someone special and exciting to keep checking in and being supportive.

stacy2: Nope, not a lick of contact from him. He and I were long distance, and maintained a very steady stream of email and IMs for a few weeks after I got friend-zoned. I tapered off my responses for a few days, and then didn't respond at all to a few of his chatty emails. He got the hint, I guess...never asked me what was up or anything; just went silent on his end. (Prior to that, if he didn't hear from me for even half a day, he would worry and get anxious.) To be honest, part of me has been hoping he would show some sign of life (even if I then decided to ignore it). It's been holding me back from moving on. Keep in mind, this wasn't a long-term relationship, so I really shouldn't expect even that.

Day 80-something. Feeling bleh about the whole process. I spent today re-assessing the reasons why an ongoing romantic relationship with this guy would not have been in my best interests (not that I was given a choice...grrr), but still am missing him. I'm having to remind myself why it wasn't possible, too, to continue a pseudo-friendship with him...I've been questioning if I threw the baby out with the bathwater when I went NC. I know a big part of the blahs is related to having to find a new work gig. Unemployment isn't so good for self-esteem, and it hooks right into the lingering feelings of lowered self-worth from the breakup. Onward and upward...time to reset my thinking to a more positive mental attitude. The future holds all sorts of unknowns, including happiness. Forward, march!

Day 16 of no contact Day 05 of no online snooping Felt pretty damn good all day long -- I am moving and grooving on my forward path. Spent a lot of time the past few days getting ready for my new gig -- very organized about it all. Had some strong twinges today, though, listening to music. Cried a bit. Re-read some of our emails from before we met/split up, and had to shake my head at how naive and optimistic we both were about our future together, before we'd even met. Still don't get why he didn't give us more of a chance, but his reasoning doesn't matter -- it's a done deal. Wondered what he is thinking about me these days, but again -- it doesn't matter. I just have to keep moving forward. Thought a lot about one of the guys who contacted me after the breakup...I may contact this new guy in a few weeks. For now, I'm still recovering, and don't want to do any rebound stuff.

Day 13 of no contact Day 02 of no online snooping Yesterday, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Soooooo crazy-feeling. Today, much better. Got a job, finally. Felt twinges about the ex, but am now flirting (slightly) with two new suitors via email. Too soon to get romantically involved, but baby steps. It's nice to feel a little happy "zing" when I see email from either of the guys. I'm using a different account than the one I used with the ex -- too many ghosts in that one. My job will last four weeks, so I'm going to focus on that, and getting in shape. At the end of the gig, it will have been 30 days of full no contact, 43 of no email/IM/Phone. Can't wait to see how I feel at that point. Good to have structure in my life once again. The new job will force me to think about stuff other than the ex.

Today I got a job. Finally. I kept thinking of how I would describe the interview and everything to you, to make you laugh. And how you would be so supportive, since we've both been struggling SO HARD for months to find ourselves jobs. I drove home from the interview, taking the back roads along the beach, glancing over at the beautiful waves and the warm blue sky, and wishing I could tell you about that, too. I wondered today if you miss me, or if you are just relieved that I've disappeared. Are you dating anyone? I've stopped checking your okcupid profile...finally. I have a couple of guys from the site who I've been writing to, and will probably meet at least one of them. Neither one excites me like you did, but neither one seems as over-the-top as you were in your courtship of me. So, maybe, they will turn out to be realistic, and healthy, and not just build castles in the sky. I did pull down my profile, though, to focus on work. (And it's not the profile you know me thru...I've left that one disabled.) It will be nice when, someday, I care much less, and maybe we can be in contact. I doubt that will be until I've met someone else.

I miss you so much. I was a wreck today. Uncontrolled sobbing, shaking. I'm trying to prepare for a job interview tomorrow, and I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. I had to call a calm friend to talk me through my interview prep. I did not tell him that I was hurting because of you...I am trying to hide the pain from my friends. They warned me I shouldn't take the risk in flying up north to meet you, on your turf, after only knowing you from email and phone calls. That I could get hurt. They were worried about physical harm...but look at the emotional harm that happened. I feel like stopping contact with you is doing me harm; more harm than if I'd just kept up with the friendly daily banter via email and IM. But now, I feel locked into the silent battle. If I contact you, and you ignore me, or don't welcome me back, I will be not only heartbroken, but humiliated. I know you are online, looking for other girls. I didn't go looking at your profile today, but I did go back and read some of our correspondence during the time we were in contact after the break up. You were still so sweet and thoughtful and smart and fun, and kind. I feel like going silent on you is like kicking a golden retriever or something. But I know you could always reach out to me if you wanted to...I didn't tell you not to. It's just a mysterious silence between us now. I hate it so much. I miss you, I miss the dreams we talked about, even if it in the end was just a fantasy.

Day 12 of no contact Day 01 of no online snooping Some new rules for myself: 1) No peeking at his online dating profile. There is nothing to be learned there. Let it go. 2) Feel whatever feelings come up without judging them. Just acknowledge the feelings, and keep on truckin'. 3) When pessimistic thoughts come up, try to counteract them with positive ones. "Because he rejected me, I must be unlovable." Counteract with: ---> "Other people already DO love me, and I've had boyfriends in the past who really loved me. There will be another, when the time is right." "The other guys I've communicated with since the breakup just aren't as great. There's no one as exciting as him out there." Counteract with: --> "This guy came out of the blue, after only a short time with my profile online. If HE exists, and showed up so quickly, there must be other, better-for-me guys are out there, too. The right guy will show up when the circumstance is right." 4) Try to be lighter in thoughts -- work on seeing the humor in the situation (there was some really absurd stuff to it).

Breakup 40 days ago. Day 11 of no contact. Well, no IM/email/phone contact with the fella, but I have been continuing to torture myself by visiting his online dating profile (with myself in hidden mode, of course, so he isn't aware of it). Tortured myself further tonight on the dating site by checking out profiles of women who might be his "type". Filled myself with self-loathing from comparing myself (unfavorably) to them. Moped all day instead of getting stuff done that really needed to be done. Need to have the control to NOT go on that site to snoop on him. Feeling really lousy at Day 11. Much worse than back when we were having email/IM contact for the first four weeks after the romance ended. Ugh. Confused.

(Edited: wrong thread earlier!) I don't get it. How can say you ADORE me, and that you've never had conversations like the ones we've had, and never known anyone with so many of the same interests, and that you think I'm awesome and incredible, and say you want to be the best version of yourself for me, and build these huge castles in the sky, and then...change your mind. "I don't feel passion for you." Well, you might've figured that out before we became intimate! You might've not professed UNDYING LOVE before you figured that I wasn't your physical type as well. I'm an idiot for buying the fantasy. The sad thing is, I can't even hate you, because I know it hurt you, too, and you handled a lousy situation as best as anyone could. Damn it.