Grace696

I love Cloud Atlas. D Mitch is the man. I'm kind of trying to pretend the movie isn't happening. But I suppose I could pull my head out of my a** and stop being such a snob. Currently rereading Oscar and Lucinda. Hooray!

Chris have you read Quicksilver? I got about a quarter of the way through, and was loving it, but then I went through my breakup and I couldn't concentrate on reading. And I think I actually left my copy at the ex's, so have never picked it up again. But it was very cool. I'm currently reading Alice Munro's "The View From Castle Rock". Another brilliant writer who makes it all look too easy.

You know what? We were really happy. Really, really happy. Happier than most couples I know. Usually I try not to think about the happy times because it hurts too much, but tonight I found myself thinking about London and our time there. I know you were happy too - I know it was not a lie. I never would have believed that we would end up in the place we are in now, and I imagine you never would have too. Mostly I guess we took our happiness for granted, but sometimes I would pause to appreciate how blessed I was to be with you. And I was. I really cannot conceive how I will ever be that happy with someone ever again. I am angry with you for what you have done to us and our happiness. I know you are carrying a huge amount of guilt over it (if you ever let yourself feel it). It just makes no sense - it never has, not from the very beginning of your doubts. You said: "I just wish it could go back to how it was." Somewhere along the way, somehow, you lost something. You are so good at not feeling your feelings, at locking them up, so I guess you probably aren't still crying like I am. Maybe you've even met someone else. Maybe you are head over heels with someone, and don't think about me anymore. I hope you are haunted by dreams like I have been lately. Idiot. Now I have to carry this around with me for the rest of my goddamn life. Sometimes I wish I'd never met you. (I know that would really hurt you. I put the 'sometimes' in to soften the blow even though you will never read this because I am worried about your feelings even in this virtual arena. Remember? I'm the sweetest, loveliest person you've ever known, according to yourself.) I'm afraid I can't be noble enough to wish you well right now, and hope that you find love and happiness with someone else. To be honest I hope that you regret breaking up with me for the rest of your life, and that you never find anyone else you are nearly as happy with. (So much for sweet and lovely...)

How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without you?

Bring Up the Bodies by Hilary Mantel - sequel to Wolf Hall. So, so good. So creepy and brilliantly written. As someone trying to write myself, there are times when I have to put down the book and wail because she's expressed something so perfectly and how the hell am I ever going to do that. Firiel, your research sounds interesting!

I've never written in this thread before. Funny, I never really got the 'point' of it, or thought it would be useful for me, but now it suddenly appeals and I think it might be quite cathartic. And the few times I have looked at the posts I found them so heart wrenching - all this pain and loss that resonated so completely with me. Anyway, armed with box of tissues as already in tears (and here comes my cat, wondering what is going on) here goes: Sweetheart. I still just don't get it. I read posts from others saying how they have come to realise that the relationship wasn't that great, or that it needed to end, but for me, I still believe that we had something amazing, and I don't understand how or why you would walk away from that. We were so happy. Even you admit that they were the happiest years of your life. I loved how kind we were to each other. How well we treated each other. How sweet and affectionate and lovely you always were to me. We never said unkind words to each other. I trusted you completely. I still do. I know you are a person of great integrity, as am I, and that we would never have cheated or betrayed one another. I know that you have continued to act through this breakup with honour and integrity. You still haven't let me down in that way, and for that I am grateful. But it also just makes you seem even more perfect to me, even more irreplaceable. You are the only man in the world I want. In better moods I can be grateful that I had the experience of being in a really great, happy relationship for 6.5 years: a relationship where I felt loved for who I am; a relationship where I was able to say that I was with the one person in the world who I wanted to be with. Some people never get to experience that. We were lucky. I know you felt the same way before the insidious doubts became lodged in you. During the first break-up you said to me that you felt like you were living someone else's life. Do you feel that way this time, or does it feel 'right' now for us to be apart? It still feels completely wrong to me. Doesn't everything remind you of me the way everything reminds me of you? All the endless shared jokes and experiences and films and songs and meals. All the shared history. What was it that was missing for you? Why wasn't what we had enough? What is it that you think you might find in another relationship that was missing in ours? You said to me when you broke up with me that I had the purest soul of anyone you have ever met. Why would someone voluntarily walk away from that? You said that you still love me, that you will always will, but that you 'just can't move forward'. I know that you broke up with me because you didn't think it was fair to keep me waiting while you felt like this. That you felt you had to end it while there is still 'time' for me to meet someone else to start a family with. Dearest, dearest boy, I don't want a family with anyone else. I only wanted one with you. And even though you have ripped my life in two and it is unrecognisable from how it was 2 years ago, and even though you have screwed me around by coming back and then leaving again, I am still here, wanting more than anything for you to figure out whatever the hell is going on with you and to be ready to commit to us. I can't seem to let go. I am trying. I love you.

Wow! Talk about a surprise twist in the story of thekid. I do feel sorry for E, but you know what? You've got to go for what you really want here, and it's clear that what you really want is your ex. So I'm happy for you. I'm in the process of reconciliation right now myself (must be something in the air right now) so I understand what you mean about having to go for it in spite of the flak that might be directed your way for going back. Ultimately, the people who love me want me to be happy, so while they might have reservations about a reconciliation, they support me. Good luck!

I foolishly felt pretty hopeful after reading this story about an Australian TV presenter, Catriona Rowntree. The article in the link is a couple years out of date, as they have just had their second baby. She said that during their year apart she thought she wasn't going to get to have kids (which is something I worry about now too). link removed

No no, it definitely wasn't anything to do with that, and she'd long since forgotten about my sister when she had the sex change. Still pretty weird though, huh!

This one is pretty bizarre and concerns my very own big sister. Seventeen years ago my sister had her first and only lesbian relationship with a woman, Fi. It lasted only a couple of months or so, and then my sister decided she really prefers men, and ended things. Fi did all the most extreme crazy things we do when we are dumped, including attempting suicide, but of course it did nothing to change my sister's mind. For the next 17 years they had no contact, went their own ways, forgot about each other. Early this year Fi found my sister on Facebook, and they connected again. In the intervening years, Fi had had a sex change, and is now a man. She happened to be coming on vacation to the city my sister now lives in, which is on the opposite side of the world from where they were originally together. They met up, sparks flew again, and they ended up having a fling. My sister says it was very weird hanging out with someone you used to date who is now another gender - like being in a dream where people keep changing into other people. But the connection and the attraction were undeniable. Ultimately Fi decided they really are not compatible anyway, and things have ended again, so it's not really a reconciliation story. But it just goes to show: you NEVER know how life is going to turn out or when you might reconnect with someone from your past who you really never thought you would see again. On the opposite side of the world, 17 years later, and a different gender, Fi got her second chance.