Athena

What matters here is not what he thinks about all of this - what he thinks is obvious - he obviously thinks all of this is fine. What matters here is what YOU think. It sounds to me like he is trying to convince you that his actions and ways of thinking should be OK with you. Thing is, in life, if you don't know what is right and wrong for you, there are plenty of people out there who are going to be willing to tell you. Are you OK with his behavior? If not, own the fact that you don't like it, state it and stand by it. It may be a bit harsh, but, if you don't show yourself some respect you can't exepect that others will either. If he wants to keep you around, he'll have to respond to that. -A

cync, That's a tough one al right. It's kind of difficult to advise someone based only on what you've given for information. What was going on in your relationship before she announced she wanted to take a break? Did it come as a surprise to you? What's your satisfaction level in the relationship been lately? What reasons did she give for wanting to take a break? -A

Wish it were that simple. But thanks anyway for trying to sum it up for me. -A

I experienced it twice with the same person. I felt pretty foolish the second time, enough to prevent it from happening again. The definition of insanity - do the same thing over and over, expecting different results... arghhhhh! -A

There are some men who are very physically oriented, meaning their primary criterial for finding a mate is physical attributes. Then there are men who are looking for a person who they find attractive both physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Upon what criteria a person selects his/her mate has alot to do with their morals/values and character. For instance, if YOU are a woman who selects a mate based on just physical attributes, it's likely that you will attract a person who has those same values. Someone who has deeper values when it comes to relationships will see through the fact that your attraction is purely physical, and will not likely be interested in anything long term. What one person finds attractive in a person, other people may not. It's all very subjective. When it comes right down to it, in the end, all that matters is that ONE person thinks you are beautiful, and rest assured he is out there. -A

I don't have any insight as to why they do it, but it's a huge petpieve of mine when people say they are going to call or be somewhere at a certain time and then DON'T. It's nothing less than rude and there is simply no excuse for it. It's about respect for my time. I've had great luck with telling people this up front. -A

To me, her views represent a person who feels like she is not in control as a woman, which, could be the result of her repressive stepdad. I don't think they necessarily indicate physical sexual exploitation, but more emotional sexual exploitation. -A

Luciana, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. My ex-husband was the same way. It was pretty difficult dealing with it, considering it was a very satisfying way for me to express my sexuality. After a while I built up resentment about it. I found that after a while, his not wanting to do OS made me less desireable. It had a big impact on our sexual relationship. Not sure what to tell you girl. Only you know how important this is to you. And it's OK if it is important. One thing I can say is that I think you should come to some kind of resolution on this BEFORE you marry him. -A

I think it's perfectly understandable at 20 to want to explore and figure out who you are. I just think its selfish of her and very unfair to you, for her to put promises on the situation that she may not be able to keep. To me it sounds like she feels like she can have you for whatever and whenever she needs you. I think if what she needs is to be free, then free her. No safety nets. -A

I think the hardest part about having faith is coming to the understanding that what you want for yourself is not always what God has in mind for you. Real faith is about accepting that and being OK with whatever God prescribes for you.

I think you should resume your normal activities. If posting to your web site is something you've done and enjoy doing, do it. I would not use it as a tool to try and hurt or manipulate the feelings of someone else. I'm assuming your postings are about you and are a creative outlet. Anything that you put on there that is contrived will be obvious. Don't disrespect yourself. -A

This thread is really interesting. I'm struggling with "letting go" issues, but, I don't think it's the "letting go" as you are describing. I'm interested in your opinions however. Where I am not following the "let it go" approach is, where does trust fall into the process? I think in alot of instances, the source of the pain, anger and saddness is a dose of betrayal. There is someone who accepted what you offered; love, caring, sharing, committment to them, and they seemingly give it back in words and action, but, their final actions are the opposite. So, we feel betrayed. In my corner of the world, forgiveness is given when it's asked for. If someone does something to hurt me, it's my responsibility to let them know they have done that, it's then their responsibility to apologize and then it's my responsibility to forgive them. The process is pretty effective. But a person has to apologize to be forgiven. My "letting go" issues are more about trust, not lingering emotional attachments. A romantic relationship with my ex is not something I would consider, because, I no longer trust him. That goes to say that you can't be friends (real friends) either. I think friendly is doable, but I just don't get the idea of forgiving someone that betyrays you, and doesn't apologize for the hurt they causesd. -A

Hi Debi, My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I would say that 99% of the people on this earth are made up of good and bad. I think there are very few of us who are 100% wonderful or 100% evil. We all have our issues. When it comes to choosing a partner, it's important to understand that none of us are perfect and that we all have things that make us difficult to deal with. The trick to happiness however, is, finding a person, who's issues are things that you CAN and are WILLING to deal with. He is who he is. He's a liar, he's disrespectful, he's irresponsible. This is really not about HIM. This is about YOU and what you want for yourself and your son. I suspect your guy has some good points (see point I made above). The question that you need to answer is, do his good points out-weigh his bad points. Does he contribute to your happiness in a positive way MOST of the time? Is he the role model you want for you son to learn how to be man? Consider it a given that you cannot change him. Only he can change who he is. You need to figure out whether or not you are OK with who he is. IF you are not, then I think you have some difficult decisions to make. -A

Do you like to be massaged? If you do that is is a great way to relax. Have him start of with a nice body massage and seamlessly move into oral sex - it's wonderful. -A

Empti, I am so sorry for what you are going through. You sound like you have a good head on those strong shoulders, and I;m thankful that you are willing to share so much, I found you post very helpful. "I've lost a love, its not much to ask him to lose a friend" I LOVE that! It says it all. Thanks again. -A