Jump to content

miss bear

Bronze Member
  • Posts

    194
  • Joined

About miss bear

  • Birthday 11/04/1974

miss bear's Achievements

Contributor

Contributor (5/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done
  • One Month Later

Recent Badges

7

Reputation

  1. It has been sometime since I wrote here. I was having an off week and it had nothing to do with you, but then I saw you today walking into your job. I didn't mean to look that way I never do and normally I don't have to drive that way, but today I did because the road I normally take was closed. You were wearing the green shirt I helped you pick out. I know you didn't see me and I am so grateful for that. I miss you much less than I did before and I think that I am not in love with anymore. I am still hurt and angry and I wish those feelings would go away. I wish I could come to a place were I don't care at all or maybe even wish you true happiness. Unfortunately I can't yet. I hate that you fell in love so quickly. Why should you be so lucky in love? Is it because you don't know how to be alone? I still hate that I feel like you did not value me or my feelings and discarded me like I was a piece of gum off your shoe. Sometimes silly thoughts go through my mind like "did you even wait for my side of the bed to get cold before you invited her into it?" I realize that all my concerns about her were correct. I think you are fake and a liar and I want one day for you to truly understand how cold and cruel you were to me. I did not deserve that. And I want one day fro you to just say you are sorry and let me know that I meant something and you did truly value me. I know this will most likely not happen and you are way to much of a coward to ever initiate that conversation. For now I will comfort myself with the knowledge of knowing that you discarded someone who is by far the best thing you will ever have. I am worth so much more and I deserve someone so much better than you. You can live in your fake plastic world were you pretend things are perfect but they are so superficial and transparent that even your close friends can't stand you, and I will stay me and be true to who I am and one day I will find someone real who is truly capable of seeing me for me and will love me for all my flaws as well as my strengths. It is sad that you had know idea how to have a real relationship and be with a woman how is smart and independent, funny and sweet, and says what is on her mind and truly loves. Instead you will settle for a facade just like what you had before me. You didn't grow you just ran and hid and reverted right back to a type a woman who will probably end up leaving you to be free just like the one before me did. You are such a fool.
  2. I haven't seen you in since our coffee shop run in last month. Here's how I am doing if you care. I still miss you and I wish I didn't. I am seeing a therapist now and she is trying to help me see how someone as smart and wise and emotionally mature as I am could have fallen fro someone like you. I can't understand it myself, you are not all that, you are bald and hairy in all the wrong places, you have no communication skills, you do nice things for everyone so they will like you, you don't read, you run away from any problem and pretend they don't exist. You weren't funny. Let's be clear here I was the gem of our relationship you should consider yourself lucky to have ever had someone like me fall in love with you. You rejected as close to perfect a girl as you will ever have. Why I am still upset about someone like you kills me. You completely showed complete lack of respect for me in your actions during the break up process, yu could have made this better, I gave you every chance to make this easier, but you chose to treat me as if I didn't matter at all. You claimed to want friendship then put no effort into trying to be a friend and then dropped any pithy effort you put forth once you decided to get in a relationship with her. No wonder I never really met any friends of yours, YOU NEVER REALLY HAD ANY, only minor acquaintances you called friends. You are not capable of having a true friendship, you don't know how to be real. You had the chance to make this right and have this end with dignity and kindness, instead you chose to have me hate you. A day will come when you will fall apart again and you will realize you pushed someone out of your life who truly loved you and was wonderful, and I will not be around to help you pick up the pieces.
  3. I just read this after posting how screwed up I am feeling. Thank you. I almost was going to call him, but now I know there is no point. Envision positive things.
  4. I am really starting to see that you weren't ready for me. I wish you could have been honest with yourself and me when I asked you. I see now that you used me (unintentionally) to forget your marriage and her cheating on you, and you were trying to recreate what you thought things should be. Now you are probably doing the same thing with her. I guess you can't be alone. That makes me feel a little bad for you. I can't believe you didn't even text or email me a Happy Birthday, I did for yours. I guess now that you have someone new you can forget about me and how you said you really wanted to have me in your life even if as a friend. I guess we aren't suppose to be friends I wonder if you miss me? Do you ever think about me? Do you ever think about calling me? I hate that I still think about this. I hate that even though there was this sweet guy sleeping next to me last night all I could think about was you. I see now who you are and I know I don't want someone like that in my life. But I still can't understand how you went from loving me so much to not loving me at all in what was not even a day. I guess I am still angry. I still want bad things for you.
  5. I hate you so much right now. You lie to everyone especially yourself. My "friend", that's how you introduced her to our friends but everyone knows. No wonder she never wanted to meet me, she was waiting in the wings the whole time. Perfect birthday.whatever you said the same thing last year when you spent it with me. I will not shed another tear for you. I deserve so much better. Your nice guy routine is running thin. You give to get everyone to like you, you were never who anyone thought you really where. you don't even know who you are. I hope when we finally see each other (this is a small island and you can't hide forever), you fall apart and it 's you up in ways you can't possibly image. You reverted right back to type, a meek woman who barely talks to anyone so you can be in control. You suck so much and what you have done to me will not go unpunished. I hate you. you are a coward in every sense of the word. I was way to good for you, you should consider yourself lucky to have had someone like me even look in your direction. You are fake. You are weak. You are the biggest moron I have ever known. You were a doormat to your ex after she cheated on you and left you. I was as close to perfect as you will ever have, I am smart, funny, beautiful, kind, caring, I listened to you and wanted to help you become the person you told me you wanted to be. You used me. Now you choose a weak woman so you can feel in control. You are a worthless pile of rat feces. You will never find yourself because you are nothing. I hate you
  6. Day 22: I hate him so much. Liar,liar,liar. The last time I spoke to him he said there was no one else. 3 days later my best friend saw him on a date with her. It's like she was waiting in the wings to snag him up. He had every chance to tell me about her. My gut had been telling me there was something about her I couldn't trust. How she would not meet me, and when she did, she did not even talk to me. I will not shed another tear over him. I hope he crashes real hard. I have a date tomorrow and it will be great.
  7. day 21: Was an up and down sort of day. I kept wondering how he was and if he was seeing anyone. Got upset on my lunch break. I just want one day where I don't wake up thinking about him or dreaming about him. I had dinner with A and J tonight. Somehow the topic went to D. J started saying he wasn't a big fan of D anymore. We started talking about it and there are a lot of things J did not know about our break up. I haven't told J cuz he is mutual and did not want to put him in the middle. He brought the conversation up and began to tell me how he started to see D's true colors and he thought D was someone of weak character. Things he has done to me and his excuses about how screwed up he is aren't cutting it for J. And of course D's dating and maybe having something going on with E. He told J he wasn't going to date to he could get himself together and figure out his issues and then less than a month after the bu he's got E around him all the time. I feel somewhat justified in knowing that people are seeing him in the light I am beginning to see him in. Went on a date last night with this really nice guy, we have a lot of the same interests and I had fun. Had a moment of sadness when I got home, btu focused on the date instead. And then I had the dreams.
  8. Day 20: Woke up thinking about him today. I hate when I do that. I wonder if he noticed I did not contact him for his birthday. My birthday is in 10 days, I wonder if he will contact me. I hung out with my neighbors this morning had breakfast and watched football. When I got to my place I took a nap and had a dream that he came to my house and told me he missed me and he made a mistake, he never stopped loving me, I woke up immediately and started to ponder this scenario. I know this isn't going to happen............. but what if? So I had an imaginary conversation with him, I really tried to imagine he was here with me and saying all those words, the words I wish he would have said a week after he broke up with me, I looked him right in his imaginary eyes and I told him............I love you. I never stopped loving you, but the the way you have behaved during our break up broke my heart, you treated me with none of the respect I deserved, you cast me aside and gave me nothing, you broke up with me on the phone, did not speak to me for a week, gave my things to a friend without even letting me know, and then when you finally did see me in person you would not even look at me. You never really told me how you felt or even let me know that our relationship meant something to you. I thought you were better than that, I thought you cared. As much as I wish we could take all this back and start over again, I can't.....I think I would end up resenting you and always waiting for the moment when you decide to break up with me again. I Love you, but I have to love me more. Then I would have touched his face for the last time watch him leave, and cry for the rest of the day. It made me sad, but it was also somewhat liberating, I felt like I was regaining my power. I am hoping this will move me forward.
  9. I wish I could wish you a happy birthday and mean it, but I don't. I hope your day sucked.
  10. Day 19: It was his birthday today. I had to stop myself several times from texting him Happy Birthday. Why should I since I don't really want him to have a happy one. I remember his birthday last year, he had a party and there were so many people there and he introduced me to people that I thought I would be meeting again....but I never saw or heard about them again. Went to see Hal Sparks tonight I laughed so hard I thought I would pee myself. It was nice to laugh, I miss laughing. I still laugh sometimes and around my friends I sometimes make jokes about the break-up. I used to laugh all the time, now it's a bit less. So many memories keep popping up in my mind, and most are not good things. Most are just instances when I should have listened to my gut and stopped seeing him so seriously.................................................................. Poker night when he got drunk and after everyone left he accused me of not paying attention to him, I remember I was at his place and I was walking out of his bedroom and he said "you're going to leave like you always do". Weird because I never left him at any time before and I didn't leave then either. He remembered nothing of this the next day. I feel sick to my stomach.
  11. Day 18: Just really sad today. I miss him. His birthday is tomorrow. I don't get to spend it with him. I am not going to contact him. I can't. I can't be the one to contact first, he did this if he wants to talk to me he will need to be the one to make the first move. I am sure he won't. I guess the other reason I am missing him so much is because I had a biopsy done yesterday, "just to rule things out" my doctor says. I got home last night and my body was hurting and cramping. I never told him I was having certain health issues. But now I have a week of waiting for lab results and I got a little bit scared. I am sure it's fine. but all I wanted was to go to his house, climb into bed with him and just have him hold me. I miss how when he would hold me I felt how much he cared. this blows.
  12. Day 16. It was a rough day for me. Every song I heard today reminded me of him or how crappy losing him is. I cried in the car on the way home.
  13. Day 15 Halfway there!!! Had a few moments of missing him and wondering what he was doing. This is my last day of my mini work vacation 5 days off. I think I needed this time to just relax, clean my house ( all memories of him are now gone into storage) I hung out with a few friends tonight for a drink and this guy who used to work with my friend Jon was there, we were talking a lot and he asked me out. It's weird because he is a waiter at this really nice restaurant and David took me there once and this guy was our waiter. We would see him out occasionally at this bar we go to and would talk to him. I saw this guy last week there and he started talking to me and I got that vibe that he was into me but I ignored it thinking he was just making small talk. Part of me hopes David hears about it and is bothered a bit. I feel a bit guilty about that. But it will be 2 months since he broke-up with me and I know he has been dating so why shouldn't I.
  14. Day 11,12,13,14: My computer was not working. It is hard to believe I have only been doing this for 2 weeks. It feels like an eternity since I spoke to him or saw him. I am in the stage of picking things apart, noticing all the red flags and things that he said or did that were hurtful. The majority of things he did to hurt me was due to his impulsiveness, he always would make or not make statements or do something without really taking my feelings into consideration. I woke up this morning and noticed later on it was the first day I woke up and he wasn't on my mind. Of course this evening after going to a movie with a few friends, I was driving home and this Amanda Palmer song came on, and the lyrics just crushed me and I started crying. It is so difficult to realize he will most likely never be a part of my life. I don't really think I can be friends with him and I don't really believe him when he told me that was what he wanted. I am pissed that I did all the work helping him try to open up and help him stop being so controlling and now he will use those tools in his next relationship. I miss him less today than I did 2 weeks ago. But I still miss him.
  15. Day 8,9,and 10: I am feeling so up and down lately. I miss him so much these past few days, so much I haven't been able to post because I didn't want to cry. Well now I am crying. I hate waking up and thinking about him. Wondering what he is doing, if he ever wakes up and thinks of me, does he miss me, he is waking up with someone else next to him. I just want to stop feeling so out of control emotionally. One minute I hate him, the next I miss him so much I just want to go to his house and beg him to try again. I just can't understand how he could just stop loving me. How do you just switch it off? I had lunch with a friend yesterday, she had been in a relationship for a 1 1/2 years with a guy who was very similar to David. She understood everything I was saying, I would be telling her something that happened and she could finish the story for me. We talked about how in the beginning David was so into me it was somewhat overwhelming, all the gifts, all the time he wanted to spend with me, how he thought I was so wonderful and perfect (even when I would warn him I am not perfect). She had the same thing happen, she called it "new puppy syndrome". The puppy's so cute, I love the puppy so much....... but then the puppy gets bigger and pees on the carpet because no one trained it, so it goes to the shelter. This is how I feel. Like I was this new drug for him. I feel lie he was addicted to the newness,to the feeling of being in love, but I don't think it was love for him, I think he just did not want to deal with why his marriage fell apart and wanted to feel better so he found me and I was his rebound. I just want to feel better, I want to stop thinking about him. I want to be able to sit in my house alone for an evening and not feel anxious and lonely. I never was this type of girl before.
×
×
  • Create New...