manicdogbert

I know that I don't care about you anymore. I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up with my mind.

I just dropped you off my Facebook friends list. Jeez, I didn't know that it would affect me so much. Just clicking the "X". No regrets. I don't have any plans on seeing you ever again.

hey maybe i'll see you around but you shouldn't hold your breath because i've decided that i don't need to be friends with you did you find out if the grass was greener on the other side? or did you decide that i was the best thing that you ever had? either way there ain't no coming back to have me again you made your bed, now lie in it, because there's no turning back there's no turning back when you said you needed to see if there was more out there the met your needs it was just your way of saying that it was alright for you to be a selfish * * * * * did you feel it was alright to just leave me behind? i hope your journey got you where you wanted because there's no turning back there's no coming back hey maybe i'll see you around but you shouldn't hold your breath because i've decided that i don't need to be friends with you

I hope you are miserable without me. I hope you are spending most of your time watching TV and not accomplishing anything. I know you don't have any real friends. The ones that are worthwhile are married and you would have way too much pride to try to hang out with them. The friends that would be willing to hang out with you are lame people who are just as clueless are you are anyway.

One of the (many) good things about going no contact is that I doubt I will ever run into you. Maybe never again. We don't like the same things. You wouldn't ever go to a concert of a band that I like. And I sure as hell wouldn't be caught dead in some stupid dance club that you enjoy. Right now, I'm just glad that we never had any cultural things in common. The only potential we would ever have in running into each other is if we ended up at the same restaurant. But thankfully, since I live a pretty good distance from you now, the chances of that happening are pretty slim.

I'm thinking back now. Remember the gifts I got you? The picture frame that I got for you for our first Valentine's Day? The one where I went to Michael's and decorated the frame with figurines of fishes, footballs, and other things that you enjoyed? The one where I put excerpts from the first emails we sent each other and the first pictures of you and I. The one that you stored away shortly after I gave it to you. Remember? How about the necklace that I got you for our third anniversary? The one that you wore for a few weeks and then left hanging in your closet for 3 years. I never did see it after we moved in together. Even the Blu-Ray disc of Pixar short films that I got you for Christmas 2 years ago. Because you were so into Pixar films and you were excited to have a Blu-Ray player. The one you took the Christmas wrapping off of, thanked me and then put it on the shelf to gather dust. You never even opened it to watch the disc. I checked when I was packing. Shrinkwrap was still on it. I guess paying a little gratitude or at least some kind of appreciation just wasn't in your blood. I guess it's like they say - Like father, like son. Believe me, I may not have been everything you wanted in a boyfriend. But I can guarantee you that I was the best thing that happened to you. For your sake, I hope you never find that person you are looking for. If you do find the kind of boyfriend that you claimed you truly wanted - I wish you the best of luck in that totally shallow and meaningless relationship.

i'm doing alright without you in my life i was a little worried at how well i was actually doing then you invaded my mind this morning as if to put me in my place and tell me i'm not okay but i won't let you hold me down i won't let this hold me down not today i've gotten this far and i'm not going back i'm pushing forward i'm letting my wounds heal a few set backs here and a couple tears cried there but i continue to pick up the pieces of my life and if i open the wounds because i get weak i will allow myself to heal again this will not win over me because i am far stronger than this my mind will not get the best of me my worse case scenario is just my active imagination what i don't know really cannot hurt me so i will stay away and live my life the best possible way that i can

I was doing fine for the last week. Then you invaded my mind this morning. What the hell? I'm sure this was because I was thinking about how good I was doing yesterday. Too much confidence on my part, perhaps? Well, this will not set me back. I've gotten this far without and I can go further. Day 10. I will make it to day 11. And the day after. And the day after that. I am slowly but surely healing.

I saw Jonsi from Sigur Ros in concert tonight. You remember Sigur Ros, right? That band that you couldn't understand what they were singing so you wrote it off as "weird." It reminded me of the mix CD I made for you when we first started dating. The one that you said the music was "too haunting." The one that you played 3 songs in and then took out of your CD player and let it gather dust in your bedroom. I should have known then that you were the wrong person for me. You couldn't appreciate the most simplest thing like music the way I could. You couldn't appreciate the sounds and emotional melodies. No matter how many concerts you went to with me, you just couldn't hear and feel the music like I could. That should have been a sign. A big sign to me. But I didn't see it. I was blinded by what I thought was love. And I pushed that incompatibility aside because I thought there were other things we could enjoy together. Looking back, I was wrong. Apart from some minor things, there was NOTHING we could really enjoy together. Again, I was blinded by "love." Somehow "love" kept us together. But I guess it got to the point where "love" wasn't enough.

I've decided to take my songs back. Songs that I thought would be too hard to listen to because I thought they reminded me too much of you. I'm taking them back. I'm the one that can appreciate the music. Not you. You could never appreciate the music to the level that I can. There is no point in wasting that on you.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Just to release my emotions/feelings, I guess. It's been about 5 days now since I've seen you. I think I'm actually doing alright. This "no contact" thing seems to be working and allowing me to heal. I don't have to worry about seeing you and being reminded of our relationship. It makes it easier to let go. I'm not feeling the pains that I thought I'd be feeling. Yet. Although I don't think I'm suppressing anything either. I feel that I'm going about my day. Yes, I think about you. But I don't feel "hurt" or "pain". I find myself crying when I listen to Before the Morning. The part that really hits home is when Josh Wilson sings, It's just the hurt before the healing. But I think I'm doing alright for now. Trying to stay busy even if I have been doing things on my own. I have been thinking about what would have been our 7 year anniversary. How could I not? It's on Halloween. I feel that I should go out that night. But it's a Sunday and I don't want to be tired for work the next day. If we were together, that probably would have been my plans anyway. I'm not like you and I don't feel the need to celebrate something just because everybody else does. I guess that's a good thing about the break up. I can do whatever I want now without having to worry about you getting all humpty about it. I still miss you. I'm not going to lie. But this was for the best. I'm starting to think that it may not even be possible for us to be friends in the future. After all the healing. I will still be open to the possibility. But really, apart from sex and Hawaii, what else would we have in common? I'm realizing that even though we made our relationship work throughout the years, it wasn't truly what I wanted either. You dropping me off at the record shops to go shopping elsewhere. Me dropping you off at the camera shop to go elsewhere. What kind of relationship is that? We had some intimate moments together, I know. But I now that we are not a couple, I want to find someone who can at least enjoy some of the things I enjoy and not just for the sake of me. To geniunely enjoy what I enjoy. I do wonder if I will ever find that person. Well, I guess I'm going to find out in the future. I hope you're doing well so far. I'm hope you are taking care of yourself and dealing with the break up positively. I hope you're not denying your feelings. You should at least do yourself that favor. I'm only concerned because I know how you can be and I don't want you to repeat our relationship again. But I do wish you well. I don't know if/when I will see you again. It would be nice just to see what effect it will have on me. Hopefully, I will be over everything and will be able to see you strictly as a friend. But I guess I can't expect anything really. I can only hope that I will be healed.

I've been getting along fine without you. I still think about you. And cry about the break up. But doing NC is really helping me. I'm hoping that I can stick this out until I am healed. But I do miss you. I can't deny that.

It's been less than 12 hours since we said our final goodbyes. I was actually doing good immediately afterwards. At this moment, I think I'm feeling numb. I'm aware of what has just happened but I don't want to think about what happens next. I'm waiting for something to happen where I will break down. I already miss you B. Please do your best to take care of yourself. Don't be afraid to let yourself feel. Don't be afraid to let yourself be honest with yourself. You have forever changed my life. No matter where our lives take us in the future, I will always love you.

I'm hurting right now. I wish you had not written me that note last night. I know you meant well. I read it this morning and it only made me feel really sad. You didn't "put me through" anything during our relationship. I enjoyed all the good times we had. AThe only bad thing was that the good times, in my eyes, outweighed the bad times. Not the opposite. You said that I deserve better. I know that. It's not fair to me to be with someone who can't love me as much as I love them. I just wished you didn't reiterate that. I know I deserve better. Please stop apologizing. It's only serving to hurt me more right now.

Despite what was said last night at the counseling session, I know that it wasn't a bad thing to be in this relationship with you. We were together for a reason. It could have been 6 years or 6 months. Our relationship happened for a reason. It allowed me to grow as a person. It allowed me to experience love. It allowed me to care for someone. Because I was never given the chance to do that before. Whatever your reasons were for allowing it to continue despite you knowing that we weren't right for each other doesn't really matter at this point. Yes, the relevations hurt me and I felt angry. But I know you did the best that you could. Whether or not it was a conscious decision. I can only hope that a) while I'm in the healing process, I can really learn about myself and understand why I chose you as a partner. b) you learn about yourself so that you doesn't hurt someone else the way you hurt me. Last night's relevations were not setbacks in my healing. They are just more pieces to the puzzle that were put out on the table to help me understand more about myself and our relationship.