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DiglyD

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  • Birthday 03/31/1974

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  1. Every girl you meet has the potential to cheat on you or kick you to the curb if you do not meet her expectations even one who will swear to you that she would never ever cheat on you. She too will cheat if she looses respect for you, and that can and will happen if you do not understand how to handle yourself in a relationhsip and how to handle her. Your first sentance says it all...you are 21, you have never been on a date, you never kissed a girl, never had a girlfriend, and you want to start a romantic relationhsip. Its so idealistic...using the word romantic. Due to your inexperience you are naive, and you are looking at your future in a very romantic, ideal way. That is wrong. The "red flag" that you should be concerned with is yourself not your potential girlfriend. You have everything backwards. You are going about this all wrong. What you do not see right now is that your inexperience might be the very thing that will make a woman cheat on you, because you will be weak, and unable to provide what she wants from you. Most lilely any relationhip that you have, you will have with a woman that is more experienced then you. You don't realize yet that girls are not sugar and spice and everything nice. They are a whole other species that you right now don't understand. A girl will eat you for breakfast. Since you have not been with a girl...you will be for one heck of a lesson....just like most of us were when we were where you are now, you will become clingy and needy when you will be with her, because she will be your first experience. You will fall in love her and you will treat her way too good. You will be faithful and honest and open with her. YOu will love her, and you will think its beautiful and wonderful and you will be blinnd to what she really needs and what you are doing wrong. This alone might make her cheat on you, or most liely make her break up with you if you are with her for more then a year. One thing you don't realize yet, is that women cheat when men do not provide them with what they need. Your future girl will expect you to provide certain needs that she has, and they are different then what you think they are right now. Its jsut that right now you don't know what they are and you have no clue on how to go about fulfilling them. Its not a question about you being faithful or your integrity. If you weren't faithful she would probably want you more then she will if you will put her on a pedestal and you will most likely because she will be your first. You have not learned yet that what a woman needs is different then what she says she needs. She will tell you what she will need and you will provide those things that she requested, but they will not be the things she really needs. You don't know how to read between the lines, how to look at the meaning not the words, and how to "read" a woman and know her needs. The things that you will provide out of love will be the things that will push her farther away and make her think about cheating on you or at least dumping you. You will think you are giving her what she wanted and she will be loosing respect for you. You don't know what she needs now. Those things come from within you, they are the very manifestations of being a man...they are leadership, they are sex, they are inner strength, they are the ability not to let her walk all over you, and the ability to make her feel intense feelings of passion like only a real man can. Do you see a girl as someone you gain, someone you win over, a prize (only in a figurative sense), or do you see yourself as the prize, and do you know how to project that to her? Do you even know what that means in terms of getting women and going about seducing them? Since you have not had anything with a girl, you have no idea how to be a "real man", how to provide those things to her. You have no idea how to control a relationship and what your role as a man is in one. You don't know that a woman will test you every step of the way to see whether you are a man, and whether you meet her expectations, and you don't know how to deal with it. You will most likely miss all the hints the first time around. There is a good chance that you will get whipped, and she will be in control, and that you will do what she say and what she wants. Your romantic ideals might provide no challenge in the relationship for her and if she gets bored she will either leave you or cheat even if she loves you. She might even tell you as she is walking out the door, or when you find out she has someone on the side, that "love isn't enough". Such is life.... Right now you the prime target for cheating, because you are naive in a sense that you worry about "her" and not yourself and talk about your values such as faithfulness and integrity. You are starting kinda late compared to many so the chips are stacked against you. You just don't know and that is the fact. You are someone who will be easy to take advantage off. You are not experienced enough with women at the moment to provide those feelings that a woman will want from you and prevent her from taking you for granted. The only thing you can do is maybe read some books on the subject on how to deal with women, or ask some people who have been through alot of relationhsips or had many girls. Alot of what you will hear will be counter to what you have imagined or believed. That is the sad reality. Otherwise you will have to learn the hard way by experiencing the ups and downs of a relationship, getting dumped, or having your heart broken. But that is life... its normal. The best thing you can do is have a girlfriend, let her teach you, and move on from her before she has a chance to dump you or before you fall inlove and have her end up cheating on you. If you end up in love and its your first love it will be wonderful while it lasts but know that it will not last. You do not know how to satisfy a woman on every level yet, the way she needs to be satisfied and the way she expects you to satisfy her.
  2. I agree with Beec 100%, laying your cards on the table might mess everything up. If you do that, you will project to her that she still "has" you in her grasp, that you need her, and that you have not been able to move on with your life. Right now she is attracted to your independance, to your aura that shows her that you are a complete and independent man. You have started a new life which she cannot lead and probably wants to be a part of. She thinks you grew up, travelled the world, became wiser and stronger. She is attracted to that, and most likely wants to be part of you life again especially since her new life didn't pan out like she thought it would. Laying your cards on the table will show her that you are not over her and that she can have you at any time as an "option" in case something goes wrong. If you lay your cards in front of her you are in her pocket. She will at that point reject you again and hurt you again and go to some other guy, because she will believe that you will wait on her like you have in the past in case it dosen't work out. Keep her on her toes, and in the dark about how you truly feel. You can tell her that a part of you really likes her or loves her but a part of you has moved on, and now you enjoy your independence, and are looking forward to meeting new women. Never truly bend to her and pour your heart out. You will lose her that way. Right now she is testing you, and she wants to know where you stand so that she can measure you up and either chase you or lump you into the begging puppy category. For you to successfully get her back you need to continue doing what you are doing right now. Periodically showing interest, maybe taking her out, sending her something but remaining distant to some degree and independent. Push and pull, show interest for a while and then withdraw and focus on yourself and your hobbies. Casually date other women just to have agood time, and show her that there are other women in your life and that she is not the only one even if she is. SHow her that she must fight to win you over and that she is not the only thing you think about even if you do. Show that you have option and are not afraid to use them. Just like Beec said, show that you are ready to move on at any moment. Create mystery and desire for you in her. Make her chase you not you chase her. You are the prize that she must win, it is not her. Keep the focus on you. When you do, she will be the one who will lay the cards on the table for you, and that will be the time when you will be able to make a decision if you truly want her back.
  3. how about NEVER! hah its not like a guarantee that they will call and all it takes is time...its not a a thing you do and they call back because you initialted NC. There isn't some recipe you follow to get your ex back. All NC does is let you keep some dignity if you got dumped, and puts some space between you and your partner and the consequences of that can go both ways. You got it all wrong. Its for you to get some space so you can figure out whether you should even bother, and for you to get your head back together, and for her to miss you a bit but there is no gaurantee. Most likely if they broke up with you they will not contact you and if they do they will still not be interested in you the way you are interested in them....either way eventually they will stop and you will continue being in a world of hurt. The only time they will call will be to check up on you whether you got them out of your mind becasue they don't want you to move on. If you dumped them it depends...might be a few weeks, a few months or a few years. There is a greater chance of them coming back or you being contacted by them if you were the one who kicked them to the curb because they will always want what they cannot have...thats human nature. Just move on and get a new partner in your life. Don't sit there waiting for them to call you, or assuming they will, and hopng you can put humpty dumpty back together again. That is just stupid.
  4. Call her and ask her. Its that simple. If she says yes then its a done deal. If she says no....Get the hint and move on. Apparently she has moved on long ago and you should also, and the other dude is either very insecure or is concerned that you will screw up his relationship and he has every right to.
  5. Dude, I went through exactly what you are about to go through. Do not do it! Trust me on this. A long time ago an ex of 3 years broke up with me and decided just like your girl that she wanted to experience life, clubbing, parties, and go to paris and be an artist and find herself. She moved out of our apartment and moved in with her at the time best friend. She told me she never wanted to see me again, she was happy partying blah blah blah....and she started seeing a new guy. 8 months later she called me on xmas to ask me if it was ok is she moved into the same building as me. She told me her new best friend was a which, her place was terrible, someone broke into her car and stole her stereo, her roommate thre outher precious cat and it almost died, and she was scared. So she wanted to be back where she knew it was safe...close to me. I said I didn't care and the landlord who knew me let her stay, and like in your situation would have said no if I said no. I found out that she actually was moving in above me. This is why it was a bad idea. At that point I was well on my way to moving on, but as soon as she came over all those feeling flooded back. WIthin 3 days of moving in she was knocking on my door to borrow sugar, coffee, salk, whatever she could think off. I think she was curious or bored at times and wanted to talk. SHe wanted to know what I wasdoing and whether I still cared. Every conversation brought back memories. You don't want that man. Every other day I woke up I heard her partying with guys upstairs or probably getting laid. Half the itme I couldn't sleep if she was home because she always had new friends over for get togethers. I kept seeing guys pull up and pick her up and she got a kick of hanging out downstairs in front of my kichen window with diff guys. One day we ended up hanging out and guess where that led to....to sex with the ex...we ended up doing it for the next month...she was at my place downstairs...or I was at her place upstairs....we started going out, holding hands..it seemed like everything was like it was, and we were both getting comfortable, and emotions were coming back..until she put on the breaks and said.. "I CAN"T DO THIS". Thats like getting dumped all over again and the second time it hurts far worse. She becasme manipulative and rude, and a total which. She went and found a new guy she fell in love with and I had to see his face all the time. You don't want to experience that either. The funny thing was that at some point the guy she was seeing decided that he was in fact gay and diched her and broke her heart and after that she was a complete mess and tried to come crying to me. At that point I just met someone new, and it was messing it all up. I could not move on and she could not move on. Eventually I ended up with a new girlfriend and it tore her apart. She ended up leaving the state back home. Avoid all these headaches....trust me on this. Nothing good will come of it. You need distance...and you need to start a new life. You do not need the past coming to haunt you. She wants to move in by you not just becasue it will be closer to her work and cheaper but because you are something familiar...she is on her own and yet she has you within an arm's reach. She wants that option. If something does not go right for her you are the safety anchor, and somehting that she thinks she will be able to return to. Do not give her this option. Show her how permanent her decision really was. Plus if you do meet someone your ex might just destroy a new relationship for you if she is jealous or if she decides at that time that she does miss you or when her life isn't going as smoothly as she anticipated. A woman might not want to be with you but she also does not want any other woman to have you either. Its woman logic here. If she gets a chance she might mess your future. Do not let your ex have her cake and eat it too. You are not some leftovers lying in the fridge for her to reach for when there are no other options. Do not let her into the vicinity of your life. She can only appreciate you and miss you when you are not around. If you want her back at all then do not let her come near you. All that will do is push her farther away from you. Let her learn to live on her own by her own choices and circumstances. Dude say no....if she does move in then be ready to move out. Nothing good will come of this. Just her presense alone will make it harder for you to move on. Distance right now is giving you peace of mind.
  6. You need to disappear form her life. What I would suggest would be to pack up our stuff, and just vanish, and become scarce. Change your phone #, route you take to school, work, tell your friends to say to her that they have not seen you or whatever. Don't answer the phone or anything. She will not hurt herself if she does not know where you are because she can't get any satisfaction of guilt on your part. either that or you need to confront her and just tell her you are leaving and you don't care what she does and never look back. Do not show weakness, just walk out no matter what she does or says. Maybe she willl hurt herself you don't know but you can't rot in this relationship for her sake alone. YOU need to live your life too. You have to come to terms with the fact that if she does do something stupid to herself it was by her own choice and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Do not allow her to instill guilt into you. You are not and will not be responsible for her decision whatever it might be. It is a terrible thing that she is trying to use her own body and her health and well being as was stated in the above post to keep you from leaving. She is manipulating you in the worse possible way and it will only get worse as time goes on. She is completely free to walk all over you becasue she knows that she can use herself as leverage. You must end this as soon as possible. She is using your good nature and heart to her own ends. A chick like that needs some serios help that you cannot provide. A chick like that will ruin you. Call a suicide support line and tell them that what she is saying, and have a phone handy in case she does something stupid. Call one of your friends or her parents and tell them what she is doing and tell them to check up on her when you leave. Tell them you are leaving and that she might hurt herself or at least threatened to. You cannot be there for her forever if its not meant to be. She cannot force you. If you call the cops they might jsut lock her up for a few weeks for observation and you can safely walk away at that point. That is another option. Accept the fact that some pain, or tragedy might come of this but regardless you can't blame yourself, and you can't think its your fault. She is jsut messed up and hopefully she is not really ready to go through with it. EIther way she will make that decision when you walk away, and you must. hopefully she is jsut afraid or obsessed and will not truly do something stupid. But it pays to be safe. IF you do decide to leave never come back and ask how she is doing. Just move on and vanish from her life. Its better like that. be strong
  7. The problem you are having is that you are beginning to realize that perhaps you are not aligned with what your inner self wants. You are living a life in which you are not in control, or at least you do not feel in control. This is why you feel miserable despite the good things that you have in your life. happiness comes with freedom, with being able to control the circumstances and decisions in your life. Happiness comes from doing what you want not from what someone else thinks you should do no matter what. Your beginning sentance pretty much sums it all up. You say that you are a 24 year old male with a masters degree who has a wonderful girl, and yet there is something missing in your life. When I read your sentance it seems like you thought this was the right path to take, and you are trying to justify to yourself that the choices you made in your life (going for your masters, and the girl) should have brought happiness and they didn't, and maybe deep down you feel a litte bitter maybe. Maybe you feel a little cheated or taken for a ride or you are realizing that life is not what you were expecting. The problem isn't depression, its about living, and don't listen to the multitude of people on here who will tell you to go see a thereapist or some bs like that. You dont't need any doctors and don't look for some external solution or excuse for your life (like depression) to lavbel what you are going through. Anyone who tells you that you need a doctor or thereapist or pills or that you are severely depressed just becasue thats what happens to most people so they got a term for it, is an idiot. Most people in the world are sheep, they don't think, they go around repeating what someone else has said, or what they read, or what is expected in society and never take a moment to actually think for themselves or reflect on whether what they preach is even true, or applicable. Its not depression, you don't need counceling or anything like that. You have a problem becasue you have not discovered what your defenitive purpose in life is. You are out of alignment with your true self, with what you were destined to do or what you really truly like. This is why you feel like crap. You have fallen into a life of routine which yields no self fulfilment, and a life of routine like this leads to misery. You have not done what you would like to do that is all. This is why nothing seems to interest you. You aren't doing anything that you truly deep down want to do or dreamed of doing so you probably think there is really no point in continuing. Wherever you look you see the same thing around you because it is what you focus on. You focus on the same things that bother you and you see them in other people. Its like as if a person decided that they want to to go buy a red Porsche, all of a sudden wherever they go they see red Porsches. Its not that there are any more of them, they just tend to focus on that which they think about the most. You are focusing on the negative in people's lives becasue thee is negative in you they you want to get rid off. By focusing on them you think that maybe they might yield you the answer but all it does is make you more miserable becasue you begin to question whether this is all there really is to life. No there is much much more.... The truth is that other people aren't any happier then you. Its a show. Most are insecure, working jobs they don't like, and in the same boat as you save for a few. The few that figured it out normally stand out or aren't welcomed becasue they are not part of the rat race. You can see that the life you are living right now isn't going anywhere where there will be some sort of personal fulfilment or happiness. Its a rat race and you know it leads to nowhere good. Remember life is about doing the right thing for you not for anyone else. Its about "YOU" and only you. Your purpose in life is to do what you feel is right and do what you want to do as long as it does not step on the rights of others. Alot of people do things not for themselves, but so that they get some sort of approval from others be it their parents, girlfriend, wife, peers, or friends. They live someone elses life and not their own. That is terrible. They are "afraid" to take risks, to make choices that they want because they think they will fail not in their eyes but in the eyes of their parents and their peers. The pressure to conform and gain approval is very strong. But its wrong. Many people would love to do soemthing new but they got bills, and kids, and responsibilites or comfort and they either don't want to get out of that comfort zone that routine, or they are scared of what will happen if they loose it all. You know what will happen? Nothing! They will survie. Once you realize that you can do anything and you are not afraid of "loosing it all" life begins to open up for you. Look at the most successful people on the planet. Many of them have failed countless times, many went bankrupt multiple times, and many lost loved ones, girlfriends, wives, and businesses. Yet time and time again they picked themsleves back up and started again. They were able to acomplish this becasue deep down they realized that they cannot fail. Failure is nothing but a lesson and once you realize this failing is no longer an obstacle in trying new things or leaving behing a life that you don't like no matter how comfortable it is. Most people do what they "think" leads to happiness based on what they see around them instead of doing what their heart tells them, becasue this is what everyone else is doing or becasue this is what is expected of them or becasue this is what other people tell them to do. They have jobs they don't like, they buy things they don't need, only to impress people they hate and who don't give a crap about them becasue they are caught up in impressing someone else. Its a vicious cycle. This is not "living". Life is about doing what "feels" right in your heart and in your head. Its about being in control and in allignment with your wants and needs on a spiritual and moral level. The moment you break your current cycle and start acting in accordance with that little voice inside you your life will start to improve. DO WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT OR WHAT YOU BELIEVE YOU MUST DO REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OR SAYS SO LONG AS IT DOES NOT INFRINGE ON THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS. This is your key to happiness....following your own heart. Its about listening to "yourself". Most people look for "external" solutions to finding happiness in their lives. They think that a pill will do the trick, a new BMW, or a bigger house will make them hapier, or a girl, or a higher paying job, or some new toys, or whatever. They tell you that you need to wear such and such and do this and that. Yet few people realize that "happiness" comes with "purpose" and it is something that comes from within. The only way you are going to feel good, and feel "happy" with yourself and your life where you feel that it is worth living is when you begin to align yousrself with your definitive purpose in life. The only way you are going to discover what your purpose in life is, will be when you sit down and think about the things you always wanted to do and begin to puruse them. Why did you get your Master's degree? Was it because you had a yearning for knowledge in that subject or was it becasue someone told you that that was the right thing to do? Did you get your masters because you thought it was what everyone else was doing, that it would make you more competative or because you really had an interest in this field? What subject did you study and was it because you always wanted to do it or was it for some other reason? What are you doing now for a job? You don't have to answer its a question just for you to figure out whether you are doing something that brings you some sort of satisfaction and fulfilment and whether its something you want to keep doing or wanted to do or is it something you are just doing because you fell into it? Does what you are doing make you excited or give you a real sense of accomplishment? Do you have a passion for your field? If not then are you doing anything on the side that creates passion or are you doing something as a hobby every day that makes you passionate that is getting you closer to being able to leave your job and pursue that passion full time? What did you want to be when you were younger? Did you follow those dreams? Do you ever spend some time with yourself and think about what you would like to do in the next year or 2 or three? What did you always want to do and learn that you found cool and exciting when you were younger? Did you ever want to paint something? Did you ever want to learn how to play a musical instrument? Did you ever want to be in a band? Did you ever want to learn how to dive in the ocean? or how to pilot a plane? THINK!. Write those things down. Thats your heart talking. Start doing those things and you will begin to feel better about yourself. If you can't do them then learn more about them or meet other people who are doing those things. Doors will begin to open for you and you will begin to realize that there is much more to life then what you are doing now. Life is about choices. Life is both the journey and the end result of the choices that you make and your reactions to circumstances. How happy or sad your life turns out is dependant on the choices you make and how long you stay on a particular course. The longer you stay doing something you do not like based on an incorrect choice that you made, the more miserable you will become. The sooner you make another choice that fulfills some passion inside you the sooner your life will improve. The longer you keep doing what does not bring you happiness the harder it becomes to get out of that routine. Since you are 24 and have your masters unless you studied abroad I'm sure you spent the last few years in school (at least 5-6). Did you go anywehre? Did you ever want to go anywhere? Do you know how it feels to walk in Red Square Moscow in the middle of Winter? have you ever seen how some of those people live? Have you talked to anyone there? Do you know how it feels to walk in Fiji in the summer or St. Martin, or Hawaii through crystal clear water that is just so warm to the touch or how it feels to go spear fishing there? Have you ever taken a woden boat from mainland China into Hong Kong and then walked around in the streets in the middle of the night with all the neons and people? Have you ever seen a 14 year old girl working at a chineese factory putting together your gameboy for 10c a day and reflected on how good of a life you have? Have you ever been on a sailboat overlooking the Island of Santorini in the summer, or checked out Mikonos or any of the other Greek islands and thought about how beautiful it is or how good if feels to have that nice breeze going through your hair? Did you ever sit in the sun and just be greateful to be alive? Did you ever want to go anywhere, or even if you didn't did you ever try just to see where it would lead? Did you ever just pack up and go somewhere get away from your routine and so that you could learn something and see the world? You think your life sucks..its because you are "blind", and becasue you have not experienced it. If it sucks its becasue you have never seen how good you got it and reflected on all the good things in your life. You have never lost your health or never had to work for pennies becasue you went to college and you don't live in some messed up part of the word. Your life sucks becasue you choose to focus on the negative things in your life. Your life sucks because you have not lived as a part of it, participating in making it better in some way. Where have you been so that you could see how the rest of the world lives and so that it could open your eyes? What have you done? and I don't mean by how much money you made or how high of an education you got. That is meaningless. What I mean is what have you done that made a difference in someone else's life? What have you accomplished that put a smile on someone else's face. If you had discovered some passion inside you eventually it would lead you to discovering something that would make other people better off. That is what brings about fulfilment, its when you are a service to others. Its when you "create" something from your passion, whether it be music that makes someone happy, or a video game that someone else playes, or a dinner that someone else eats, or a product that someone else uses. Have you started some business that made some product that helped many people? have you ever volunteerd to help anyone or any organizations? Have you accomplished anything that makes an impact on the world in some way? Probably not. This is why you feel confused and lost. You are just living a life in which you have chosen not to participate but to watch on the sidelines. Other people are making things, helping others, and improving the world. You are just waking up every day going to your job, getting your paycheck, doing the girlfriend thing, the same things everyone else is doing exactly in the same way. Sorry to burst your bubble but happiness will not come to you like this. I think you already see it around you in the peeople that you see who are like you lost and confused. Those that seem to be happy are those who have made a choice to participate in life. They all have their little dreams, their passions and something that they are working on that they feel will eventually pay out for them and for others. I said this is another post but I'll say it again...a kite rises against the wind not with it. If you want to feel better, if you uwant some direction some success, and happiness and help then you need to start walking to the beat of your own drum regardless of what everyone around you thinks. You need to carve your own name in this world. Right now you are just a sheep, like eveyrone else, living a life of mediocrity, living the same life everyone else lives that is shallow and "easy". You are a sheep and you will most likely continue to be one and live a life without purpose until you stop, sit down, and think about who you are, what you are doing, and whether it is what your heart is telling you to do. You will continue to be miserable until you beging to do soemthing that 1. brings fulfilment to yourself (so you can see a tangible result of your actions and say "I made this"), and 2. brings happiness to others or at least improves someone else's existence is some way. Emptiness surrounds you because at the moment you are empty inside. Stop looking at the negative and start loking at what is good in the world. Force yourself to focus on the light not the dark in people's lives. ACT with purpose, and doors will open for you. Don't sit around and expect others to lead you by the hand or show you the way. DOn't expect to find your happiness in your next higher paying job, the guy in the next office or cubicle over, or a newer luxury car. Don't expect to find happiness in some girl no matter how wonderful she is or how much sex she gives you. Expect to find you happiness only within yourself. After you finish reading this, turn off the computer, take out a piece of paper and write down all the things you always wanted to do and never did, and then write down the things you want out of life on another piece of paper. Choose one of those things that you wrote down that you wanted to do but didn't and go out and start doing it TODAY!. Not tomorrow or the next day but today. Take even a tiny step in that direction every day and you will feel better. THIngs wil lstart to improve in your life. Look at the things you wrote down that you wanted to have in life and make them into goals. Think about how you can go about reaching those goals and getting those things. The moment you start to focus on what you want and move in that direction your life will improve. Maybe the path you took so far has not been the right one for you. Its good that you finished school, it wil open many many doors for you, so don't worry. You are very young still and you have your whole life ahead of you. As long as you follow your dreams you will reach success. DiglyD
  8. Danimal77, I remember seeing your initial posts and daily updates of your "success" with your ex, and newfound confidance. At the time I really wanted to post somethig or email you and tell you that you were going to burn hard, but I dunno, I just knew that no matter what I said it would make no difference. You were too high on success. From what you wrote it sounded that you were so sure of yourself that nothing would have made you listen that the path you were walking was a very dangerous one. You let your confidence go to your head. it was so obvious. You seemed so sure of yourself. You were destined to fall. You made the classic mistake of drowning in your own power. Did you really think that listening to a few other people's seduction techniques, or reading the Art of Seduction was going to turn you into Casanova overnight? Did you think that you could keep up the game you were playing? No my friend. In order to keep it up you would need to fail many times with many other women. That and that alone would teach you how to act accordingly. What you did not see is that all those who succeed with women and who draw women to them have an unshakable confidance that never changes and never contradicts what they are trying to portray onto their targets. What you did not see was that you were not ready to face a situation where your new found confidence would be tested and scrutinized. You never had the chance to learn how to deal with your own emotional weakness. All the time you had her back you were under a microscope to prove yourself in her eyes. Thats reality...thats your role as a man, that you will always be judged by a woman based on your action not words and what you can never forget is that if your actions contradict the picture you are trying to paint you are hosed. In all these posts you have answered your own question, as to what happened, and what you can do now. Let me explain.... It fell apart for 2 reasons. 1. You were inconsistent in your behivor and couldn't keep up the act. 2. You became overconfident thinking you were some great seducer/player/guy who had her wrapped aoround his finger only to discover she proved you wrong. i.e. you took her for granted. you said... "Prior to, I offered no real emotional stability and perhaps even financial security, but with my new found confidence and new job, I was demonstrating to everyone (not just her), that I was making some serious changes in my life and had become very attractive, I guess." this is why she returned, and she would have stayed with you if you continued that behivor despite any adversity that popped up in the future. You reinvented yourself and in your ex's eyes you were a different person. You were strong, powerful, proactive, a go-getter. You spoke with confidence, and you showed it through and through. This is what she was attracted to. She found the new you intoxicating and something she never figured you would become. You surprised her with how you reacted to her breakup. You showed her that you were the man, that it didn't bother you, and that you were there for her, and that it was ok. You showed strength. You showed that you didn't need her, and that you wee not desperate (a major turn on for women). You projected control of your very being. That is what she was attracted to. It wasn't you, it was the power, and the feelings that made her "surrender" to you. A woman is in love with her feelings not the guy. This is why when you ask a woman to describe the perfect guy she can never give you an answer. She dosen't even know herself what that guy is. It can be just about anyone......and anyone who can create such intense feelings in her she will associate with love for that person. (this is something the nice guys always fail to understand). A woman is attrated to strength, confidence, and courage, its primal, and in her genes. She seeks out the strongest mates and those who demonstrate that they can dominate. The old you was weak. The new you was strong and he was a guy who projected confidence and control. He had his stuff together, and she thought that you figured "it" out and that you made plans, and wanted to work with her. She wanted strength so that she could completely surrender to you. She wanted you to lead, and succeed. You showed that initially and that is why she returned, but she started doubting you when at some point you probably lost you self discipline and control, and fell out of sync with the image of the guy you were trying to portray. you mentioned that you lost your job again...you said, "Okay, so, I tried to pursue her for a week and a half to no avail. Yes, I lost my job, yet again and this did not win her over at all, for it was the old Dan's pattern of losing touch with responsibility, etc... Anyways, once again, certain family members of mine were once again ill, but this time around, I didn't receive a warm and sympathetic ear, who was there to support me again, like the last time. During that week and a half, I demonstrated every type of feeling accross the rainbow and it all fell on deaf ears. " This is where you have failed. You fell back into the old you. The old Dan was slowly coming back and she could sense it. It wasn't becasue you pushed her away, it wasn't because she thought that she could never live up to your expectations, it wasn't because you closed yourself off. It was because your new found confidence was not real. IT was illusion and everything was built on quicksand. It was not REAL CONFIDENCE build on a solid foundation of experience, but something you devised to win her back. You were just not able to keep up the new image of yourself. The old you was still behind the wheel. I am sure in some ways your girl tested you to see how you would react, to see whether the changes were real. All women will constantly test, and re-evaluate their men. Just becasue you passed phase 1 does not mean you passed the test. The biggest challenge probably came when life itself decided to test your new confidence. Thats how it is...Did things start falling apart around you? how did you react to any difficulties? Did you act according to what you said to her? or did you wait? Did you become overconfident with your new found image? Did you really think it was going to be that simple?..that you could just implement some behivoral changes and whola she comes flocking back to you? No...its not that simple..It never is. Life will always challenge any BS that you say just to see whether you are serious or whether you are full of crap. That is how life usually turns out. If you say something you better back it up fully and completely. At the bottom of this email look at rule of being a man #1....you were naive.....also look at rule #8. Everything has a price, and the price has to be paid up front by you to get what you want. What price did you pay to keep her?. What did you do to earn her respect after she came back? Did you act with strength and confidence? Did you provide direction? Did you make plans and follow up with them? Did you keep your word to her? Where you there for her as a man? Did you rely only on yourself when anything went wrong? Did you fix anything from your past in the last month or 2? You lost your job, had family issues, and you went looking for sympathy, but you didn't find any. Looking for sympathy instead of drawing on your strength showed weakness in everyone's eyes. You didn't find any sympathy in your family or her or friends becasue they all expected the new "you" to take care of business. ... You became the old you, emotional, and you lost control of yourself. You didn't pay the price of showing your girl that you could overcome any obstacle. You did not pay the price and showed her that you were the "man". You fell apart at least in her eyes as did you new confidence. What she was drawn to was the strength that you initially showed. What she saw was the old you returning, who, as you have so well put it "offered no real emotional stability and perhaps even financial security". That to a woman was antiseductive and it cast doubt in her mind against you, against you as a man. She became frightened and did the only thing she knew how to do...she ran. Worse, you displayed emotions i.e. lack of self-control. You even pursued her in the end. You showed her that you could not live without her. Instead of showing her strength you showed her weakness. Originally a few months back you were right, you don't have to do the no contact rule if, and only if you are able to reinvent yourself and keep it up. That is the key, and the hardest thing to achieve. The dumpee usually isn't emotinally stable or strong enough to keep his new act together, because he has not "lived it". Its just a show. All it takes is some circumstance and BAM you are back to your old pattern of behivor. You never had a chance to condition yourself long enough to keep up your new image. One mistake and the girl you are trying to impress will see right through it, and she saw through you. Where you failed was that you were not able to maintain your new confidence, you were not able to "live" it, to live the new life you created. That is hard to do. Old habits and emotions are hard to break. It takes some serious dedication to recreate yourself. At some point you stumbled and fell back into your old rutine whether emotionally, financially, or mentally. Remember any seduction fails the moment the veil of illusion that one is trying to cast on a mark is pierced. The moment you display weakness you create doubt. The moment you create doubt the seduction ends. The moment you contradict in action what you are trying to project you are finished. All it takes is a seed, which will start to grow in the person's mind or heart and the whole foundation will fall. You said, "I did a complete 180 and the change was undeniable. The conflict was, that she was still in love with the old Dan". WRONG. She was in love with the new Dan. The problem arouse when the old Dan resurfaced. She didn't like the old Dan who wasn't taking care of his life the way she thought you should have. The only thing she liked from the old Dan was the intimicy, and in her head taht should have been part of the new Dan. You were right when you mentioned that she wanted both. You delivered arrogance not confidence that is why you pushed her away. You said, "I was scared and it was my fear that pushed away the woman who did truly love me for me, but cannot be with me now, because I projected all of my fears onto her and denied her of something that she wanted to receive and had in abundance to give". Here you touched on a good point of why it fell apart. You projected fear and desperation. You were arrogant and arrogance in itself is insecurity and fear. You had the stench of death around you and she picked up on it. Fear is what also drove her away from you. You no longer showed confidence when you were afreaid. You weer a scared little kitten not the confident guy you wanted her to see. Things just did not add up in her head. Its pretty simple really. The no contact rule works for most people becasue it gives them the time and space to reflect on themselves, and give them a chance to rebuild themselves form the very ground up. The distance also erases the pain, and creates doubt, and fond memories of the dumpee in the ex's head. THe time alone allows you to learn from your mistakes, and create a new you that has more confidence that is "real" and not just an act. Distance allows you to learn to live for yourself where you can discover that you don't need a owman in your life, but you can choose to have one. There is a big difference. Right now you project that you "need" her in your life. You do not project that you "choose" her to be in your life. you said, "She told me before she left, that love sometimes isn't enough". My ex said the same thing to me...and she was right. That is the typical girl excuse...it was only an excuse so she would not hurt your feelings....its not about love as you think it is. Love to you is something different then it was to her. To her Love is not just love but it was her "feelings' that came from your strength, power, confidence, and making her feel special. She wanted a man's man who ignited love in her heart, someone she could surrender to. She did surrender to you and you could not deliver what she seeked. Love alone isn't enough for a woman hence why nice guys never get any. A woman needs a protector, a man who can take care of himself, someone who dosne't need her but who chooses her (which makes her feel special), and someone who "deals with it" whenever something happens. Its all about attitude. Its whoever projects the "leader" mentality. She needed someone who ignites intensly strong feelings in her, which come from being with a strong man i.e. the bad boy/leader/confident guy. What she was trying to tell you was that you were not strong enough for her. She just could not be with someone like the old you, who broke down whenever adversity hit or someone who was scared, or not in control of his life. She could not be with someone who lost control of himself and let circumstances dictate his life or went chasing after the girl. She was afraid whether you started to act like it or not, that the new you was not "permanent". Something you did in the last month or 2 cast doubt in her mind. She doubted your ability to be strong and to take care of yourself. It wasn't about you being distant, or closed of or demanding, or not returning her love. It was about you keeping up and acting accordingly with the image you were trying to protray. Your actions (distance, games, loosing job, looking ofr sympathy) did not add up to the picture you wanted to paint (confident guy who has his stuff together and is not desperate or scared). You tried to be someneone you were not yet ready to be. You became confident...then arrogant..then overconfident...maybe over arrogant?. At first she thought you were what she wanted all along. She fell for it the first time but soon she realized it was smoke and mirrors. You weren't complete. The best of the old you was missing from the new you, and the new you that was missing in the old was a jerk. You were 2 separate pieces. She wanted the same you she loved but with a new attitude, with goals, plans, ambition, strength, and courage. She gpt taken for a ride. She will not make the same mistake twice. All you can do now is make yourself scarce. Focus on yourself. LET HER GO. Let her go and live your own life. Become a man's man. Put the 2 pieces together. The list below shows some of the qualities or rules of a person who has the confidence and the personality of what she was expecting from you. This is not what you became. arrogance is not the same thing as confidence. There is a very fine line between the 2. The real man with unshakable confidence... 1. Is not naive. 2. Dosen't indulge in magical thinking..i.e. love will fix it, or she is the "one". 3. Plans out projects and follows up, step by step. 4. Dosen't go at life alone, he gets coaching and support 5. Does not indulge in "one thing" thinking. He sees multiple solutions, and knows that one thing is not going to instantly solve all his porblems. 6. Does well with what he is given. He does not expect life to give him more before he does well with what he has been given already. 7. Is able to delay gratification. 8. Knows that everything has a price and is willing to pay that price for what he wants usually upfront. 9. He knows that the "war" is in his head...i.e. it about control. 10. is able to enjoy his life fully even in the face of adversity and hard work. 11. Is undaunted by life. (no fear or weakness in face of adversity). 12. Knows his weakness and compensates for them. 13. Has discipline 14. Cleans up messes from the past. 15. Has the ability to say "No" 16. IS able to be fierce, romantic, outrageous, and loving. 17. Is greateful for what he has in life and does not take it for granted. 18. Knows that "he" creates his life. 19. is grounded in reality. 20. Is humble, and never overconfident. Your lack of discipline killed you, your lack of being a loving and romantic man killed you while keeping a firm grip on reality, your lack of compensating for your weakenesses killed you, your lack of planning (goals, or in case you lost your job), and your fear killed you. You just weren't able to keep up the image she was originally drawn to. That is alot of hard work. You took the easy way out and let your new found glory go to your head. But most important of all was that.... You took it too far. You thought you had her, and that she was so in love with you that she would never leave. I still remember some of the posts you made in which you said she was crazy for you and talking about marriage. Dude, you listened to what she said, and did not look at what she did. You probably never even noticed her judging you, and you probably never even noticed where you weer heading. You thought you were the man and it blew up in your face. The rule of life is that the moment you take anything for granted, be it your girl, your job, your life, your health, or your money/success is right about the same time that you start to loose it. All the signs are usually right in front of a person's face, but he is usually too much into himself or into something else to ever see these signs until he has lost it and much time has passed when he can look back and say "man what was Ithinking?". You jsut got a harsh wake up call my friend. Learn from this. Learn to be humble, and not take anyone especially a woman who loves you for granted. Learn to see beyond the obvious. Learn to focus on you, and most of all learn the folly of being overconfident and thinking that you are in total control of any situation and that you can do what you want. Never let your success go to your head. You will always fall if you do. Go spend some time on yourself to develop some of these very values that I mentioned above...and we are not talking about doing it by July..forget your tenative date...get her out of your head. Get a new job if you haven't already, make some plans, go out, and live you life without her. Stop thinking of pursuing her. Become the man through your actions and plans, and let her pursue you after you show her what you have achieved...not before. you said "I know that she was really excited about how I transformed myself, my life and had a new found attitude and confidence and light nature and just plain started respecting her more. We went at her pace and that was huge for her." This is what she wanted. She cared for you, and wanted you to succeed. It was probably very hard for her to let you go. There is still a chance if you want it, but that time is not now. It will be only when you become what she was originally excited to see, and only when its real.
  9. Kain2k, From your story it seems that your ex had to grow up really really fast. She went from being a kid working at a pizza place to being a mom, and having some of the biggest responsibilites a woman can have. Your ex, and I am sure its not easy to hear this, has serious issues, from her past, the life she is living and the choices or circumastances that she ended up in. Its crazy and weird at the same time to me but it seems that every girl I run into these days has been molested by her fater/stepfahter/stepbrother or whatever. They all, it seems have psychological scars which might never heal. These type of girls usually cannot understand the value of a good man or a good realtionship. They are hurting, they look for father figures, and a means to heal. WHen they find a decent guy, they have no idea what to do with him. All they know is the crap that they experienced, and this is what they flock to. This is probably why your girl cheated on you or went behind your back. You cannot provide what she subconsciously seeks. A woman from such a background looks at a decent relationships and thinks that something is wrong becasue it does not follow the patters that she learned as a child. These are all patterns. The only thing you can do now, if you want your girl to return, is to cut her off completely. You have to cut the cord that still ties you 2 together. Do not cuddle with her, do not pay her any attention if she comes to open mic, do not see her, do not talk to her. Just tell her that yu are letting her go and that you wish her the best, you love her, and that you are supporting her decision to leave. The only thing that can bring this woman back is "Experience". Life must teach her right from wrong. THis girl has "issues" which you will never be able to heal no matter how much you think you can. She is and was damaged goods. There is a chance that she will never learn anything, and is doomed to suffer and fall. It might be cruel to hear this but some people just never realize the potential in their existence. They react, and they run whenever life challenges them, this is all they know. Dude, she works as an escort, lives in some dump, sleeps with some 35 year old and you think this woman is the love of your life? Don't get me wrong....I understand you. I lost the woman I thought I was going to marry and to this day 8 months after she walked out of my life it still hurts like hell. No matter what I do I can't forget her, and part of me still believes in hope. But another part of me is slowly realizing that she was not my destiny, at least not right now. She was the right person but this is the WRONG time. your situation is very similar. She is just not ready to have the type of life that you want her to live, despite the fact that you have kids. She never grew up. She is now catching up, and there is nothing you can do to make her realize that this mignt be wrong. In her mind, this "feels" right. No amount of your effort will change her mind. This is what she never had becasue you got her pregnant. She is living life, and she now has "freedom" something that she couldn't have because she had kids. Right now you have no closure. You are in what is called a satellite relationship. She is around you, orbiting around your head but she will never come closer. YOu are still providing a piece that she is lacking in her new life. She is like a girl inside a Glass jar that you cannot open and have. By kissing her, by seeing her you are filling some void in her heart, and giving her something she needs. She on the other hand is intoxicating to you and preventing you from living. Right now there is no reason for her to consider you because she has what she thinks she needs. All you are doing is ruining your life. Everytime you talk to her, see her, and touch her you essentially start over. Its like you are in the AA 12 step program, and every time you go home you have a bottle of vodka. You're going nowehre with your life. Time, which is so precious is passing you by and are trapped living in the past. She has moved on apparently and made drastic changes in her life and you have not. You must cut her off, this is your only salvation for a future, and when you do you will slowly start to realize that she is not the soulmate that you think she is now. Space will make you heal, and allow you to see her in a new light. Space will also make her see you in a new light. Once you no longer provide what she needs she will miss you, and she will reflect. Right now she isn't reflecting she is living and right now you aren't living either...you can't. Exiting from her life will make you realize where she falls into your life. Maybe she is the one, maybe she will come back....If she is, completely letting her go and focusing on yourself will give you the best possibility of her coming back. Right now, she has what she wants, and she still has you. You are a wreck, and she knows this. You are the backup plan, you are the anchor that she is still attached to. If something goes wrong in her life she could show up on your door and you would welcome her back with open arms. She knows this. She is expecting it. Let her go man. Let her go so that she feels alone and deserted. Only this will make her reflect on her actions and her choices. Let her realize the "value" of what she gave up. Let this distance also be a time for you to learn to be a better man, a better father, and even a better husband to be. Learn to control your anger, learn to control your jelaousy, learn to think with your mind and not your heart. Learn to be more supportive, and buld a future for yourself. Build up your self worth. You jsut got a job, keep working at it and become more. Give some time to yourself to heal, and really figure out what you want out of life. Right now you are thinking with your heart, and your mind is not clear. I understand that you want your family back, but also understand that what you are doing now is doing nothing except pushing her farther back from you. Cut the cord. Become a man, and a father. As you have said you have lost a huge part of yourself when she left. SHe knows this and can feel it. In her eyes you are weak. Become strong. Learn to live without her. Learn to live in such a way where you can CHOOSE to be with her but you DON'T need her to make your life complete. When you accomplish this she will see it. By that time "life" might also teach her a thing or 2 about what is right and wrong and she might jsut reconsider her position as a mother and as your girl. By then also you will be in a position in your life where you will be able to make a clear decision whether you even want to go back to someone who has so much baggage. By then you might find a woman that will make you shine. If you want your life back you need to create a new life. Understand that your OLD LIFE is OVER!. The only thing you can do now is build a new life on the ashes of the old one, learn from all the mistakes you have both made and grow. Become the best GUY you can be, and show your ex what she has lost. Be there for her as a father, be there for your kids, but let her know that you will not be there any longer as her emotional anchor, her boyfriend or her support. Cut her off in that respect. This is your only chance of putting your life together. She has to grow and learn, and you must use this time to really ask yourself whether you can forgive her, and forget what she did. If you were ever to take her back and you brought this up or if it was eating at you then whatever you start will fall apart. This is not going to be easy. Love can win her back but only if you take a step back, let her fly away, and also overcome any insecurities, or faults that will mess up any future with her. In all honesty it might be easier just to let her go. Your kids will still be there, and there are many wonderful women out there. It depends on you whether you want to fight for her. Right now she is a lost little bird who just started to fly. You can't force her back to you no matter what you do. All you can do is let her live her own life, and know that you gave it your best shot , the best you could have at tha tpoint in your life. Now grow, and learn what you can do better if a second chances crosses your way, or a new opportunity appears on the horizon.
  10. First of all you are not legal. Most 25 year old guys would enjoy having an 18 year old but most likely for him you will not be relationship matterial. You will be just someone to have sex with and enjoy for the time being. Any guy who has half a brain would not date a 17 year old if he was 25. That is asking for trouble. If you don't have sex with him he will most liely move on. You are just too young for him to consider you seriously. Its not even a question of you being 18. You can't even go into a club, buy drinks, you probably don't live on your own, and you don't have a job or any means to support yourself. You will not have that until you are like 21 or 22. You got a long road ahead of you before you reach the same maturity level as he has. You just have not experienced enough things in life like car payments, living alone, bills, guys, sex, work, etc... Most people will think that he is using you. If he does want to have a relationship with you its kinda creepy because most 25 year old guys know that having a relationship with a 18 year olf or 17 year old right out of highschool is suicide and a complete headache. I'm not telling you to stop seeing him, but realize that it will be different for you then it will be for him. You might fall for him, and fall hard and eventually you will get very hurt because most likely he will not have the same feelings for you. He has had girls before most likey and have had some relationships. For you this might be the first real thing, and you will get hurt. To him you are a toy or a diversion. Even if he does develop strong feelings for you and has a relationship with you for a year or so you will leave, because you will grow, mature, and want to explore the world and "find" yourself. Either way you will get hurt. You guys are in 2 different places in life. Dangerous waters. Tread carefuly. He wants you becasue you are like an unspoiled flower...you are young and attractive. You would be better off with a guy who is like 20,21,or 22, but no higher then that for now.
  11. Get pleanty of rest. Right now you over did it. Your muscles need to rebuild so you have to make sure you get enough sleep. Go to bed at a decent time. Most likely you will be sore for a while until the muscles you have not used often get used to the resistance. You are out of shape and all of a sudden you have been asked to do alot that your body is not used to doing. Its going to take at least a month to get used to the new routine. Its ok for your abs or chest to be sore if you did alot of crunches, abwork or pushups or whatever. If your ribs are hurting that most likely means that you could have bruised them. if that is the case, take it easy for the next couple of days to see if it goes away. If your classis 4 hours long you probably overdid it on the first day. A 2.5 hour warmup for a student who has not excercised especially in martial arts is too much. You need to either take it easier, or work out on your own inbetween your visits to built up endurace and being used to the excessive amount of excercise. I reccomend you take it easy for the next 2 days and then whenever you get a chance inbetween your kung fu classes you do situps, pushups on your own every morning and night to get yourself into better shape. Rest on sunday and go to bed before 11p.m. if possible. Get at least 6+ hours of sleep.
  12. Look Johy, Don't worry about my private life. There is no need to start name calling. I'm not assuming anything, or going just by what you first wrote. I am not judging you. Don't take things so personally. All I was saying was that you failed to present the whole picture, and initially didn't paint the picture you were trying to show. From reading your first post it seemed like you dumped your guy and just moved on and then were upset that he moved on too. You didn't exactly explain certain things, or clarify the reasons behind your breakup...and no... giving some more detail would not take years. Thats how you wrote it and that is how I interpreted it. The second post cllarified things, and you know what? I tried to tell you that I was wrong or assumed wrongly. There was no need to continue with it. I am not trying to defend your ex or take his side. I am not hurting over my ex. I am not trying to hurt you either. Your ex seemed to me like he was a jerk. He did not strike me as a good guy. That is what you fail to understand. All I was trying to say was that if you fail to provide a clear, well rounded picture you are going to get a response that might not be correct. That and the fact that you are in part responsible for what has happened also. I don't need a better life. My life is not boring. You know I am not going to sit here and call you names and get personal like you are. If I write alot is becasue I type fast and I am trying to see an issue from various points of view, and help someone at least most of the time. Most people like what I write. I'm sorry that you just seem to have such a hard time being a little more openminded or even entertaining the possibility that you could have had something to do with the ending of your relationship. Hey I hope you find happiness in your life.
  13. I didn't post misjudgments, I posted the "no sugar coating" response based on what you intially wrote. Don't be upset, or blame me for being "direct" and "honest". You are the one who did not provide enough information to initially support yourself or your case. Even with your additional information I still didn't hear you say anything about "loving him and missing him dearly after you left" and anything supporting his defense or his side of the story. When a girl talks about being unhappy or leaving her man, she always talks about what she did and never even once mentiones what the guy did for her unless its bad. She only says bad things about him, and people in response tell her she is right. It feeds her brain, and creates further reasurance that she is in a bad position. A girl never seems to remember his love just his faults when its time for her to justify her dumping him. I am sure if I asked your rman, he would give me a whole list of things he did for you that made you stay with him for 2 years or however long it was. But of course you don't remember any of that when you make your posts or feel the need to list examples of his goodness, do you? How convinient. As to the reason why I sent you a PM and apologized...its not becasue I felt guilty or that I care. I don't!. I did what I had to do. I have been warned an the past by the administrators of this site that sometimes my posts are a little too direct, and that some people here have very fragile egos and cannot handle honesty or a direct approach. They prefer sugar coating. I just sent you a PM because I have no idea what emotional state you are in and I didin't want you to go nutso and like start cutting yourself or something like some people on here just becasue of what I wrote. Plus I have no desire to get banned or restricted in my posting. I like this place. ..and as to why I didn't post it on the forum? Well why should I? (see below). Plus I was running off to school as I mentioned in my PM and didn't have time. ...and what is that "Figures Men!!!!" remark? If this is how you stereotype men then no wonder your relationship fell apart. Sometimes there are other reasons behind the obvious of why things happen the way they happen. What? you think I didn't have the guts to post on here? Or I'm the typical guy? Please grow up. I just forgot...plain and simple. I would reccomend that you learn how to look beyond the obvious and don't assume things instantly in order to satisfy your ego. Same goes for your past and future relationships. I have no problem with saying "sorry". Hey I know that this is a "family" forum and I should be more "nice". For that I apologize here in public. I got no problem admitting that I was a little too brutal and that I might have taken my emotions out on you. But don't for a second assume that you were 100% right and justified in your leaving your boyfriend or correct in your thinking becasue I happened to say "I'm sorry"..and I don't feel that a "sorry" was even justified...after all you did say "don't sugar coat it". This is the problem with women...they ask for something and then get all upset when they get their answer and they find out they can't handle it...just like you can't handle my honest rseponse which was correct based on your first post, and you can't handle the fact that your man jumped into bed with somoene else after you left him. I still think I wrote what had to be said regardless. You just have a hard time swallowing it even now. I am sure in part I am corrrect. No matter what you think or how bad you think your man was, I am sure you were no angel either. There were times when you were the witch and drove him nuts. Isn't if funny how you failed to mention that you PMed me your subsequent post on the forum in the first place, and that you never even bothered to reply to my PM. I openned my mailbox and get this huge post from you. I didn't sent you an apology, you emailed me first. That was your choice. What am I supposed to do? I figured you sent me an email since you titled it "hey cali boi". So I replied, and given your additional info said that I made assumptions based on what you wrote and said I was sorry for being nedlessly brutal. I said that I knid of took it out on you and that it was unnecessary and uncalled for. I also thanked you for writing more info and said that it clarifed some unanswared questions and put a different spin on things. I also offered you my help and advice if you needed it. I was just trying to be helpful and in compliance with the forum rules. Thats it. In addition as mentioned above it was in my best interest to do so, so that I don't get any warnings about my posts form the moderators. You never even bothered to reply to me so why the hell should I make a public apology if you are so rude? Why should I make a public apology when all I ever heard was your side of the story? If your man posted on here and said "I am a good for nothing looser and she is right" I would be the first in line to apologize. But I didn't see him posting and I didn't see you posting anything in his defense. Don't use my absense on the forum as an excuse or some justrification. I am sure you just "happened to forget to post" key and critical details about your man and your past relationship also just like you forgot to mention that you PMed me first and you never even answered what I wrote. I didn't just apologize to you out of guilt and out of the blue. If you didn't PM me or I didn't get warned about my "honesty" in the past I would have never worte anything to you. There are things regarding your past relationship that you probably should have posted in "his" defense, but you didn't because in your mind you are "a princess who did nothing wrong except be the best she could be, pure and innocent as freshly fallen snow". You are 100% innocent right? A woman always thinks she did the right thing and is the princess because she convinces herself that this is the truth. She creates excuses so that she can justify to herself that she was in fact corect. Many women have this delusion. Its so much easier to just blame it all on the guy, and his good for nothing friends. Its easier to just think of yourself as an "angel" right? of course...you want everyone to think that you are one too. You're the victimn here right? you're innocent? He was just someone who did not appreciate you right? He just used you right? Then why did you stay with him? Why did he say that he felt it wasn't going anywhere? What did he want that you were not providing? What "right" things did he do for you?....what kept him there for 2 years? why don't you list all the things he did to make you happy, all the times you laughed or felt taken care off just like you listed all the things he did wrong. Why don't you post the work he put into you? Why don't you post what he asked of you and you didn't deliver? The pendelum swings both ways. Where did you fall?, princess. Your baggage is just as full as his is. Take responsibility for your actions (you choosing to leave your man) and don't look for reasons to support your viewpoint or for blame or to enotalone to displace your feelings for you. No matter what people post here, none of them are corect. Its all different and skewd viewpoints. Many people on here are hurting badly, and their responses relfect how they feel. They are not unbiased. You should not take them to heart, but with a grain of salt so that you can later sit down and reflect on your life and past yourself. That is the only thing that will give you the correct answer. You guys were both wrong and made many mistakes..you both messed up in your relationship.....Yes he was bad...but you too have baggage. This is why girls go to extreme lengths to hide their past from any new guy they come accross. If any guy really knew what you did in the past, and how cruel and cold you can be as a woman (especially once you disassociate yourself from the man you once loved), he wouldn's just walk away he would run and cry for help and warn everyone he could to stay away from you. Its not just you, but any woman in general. Don't get offended by what I wrote or call it a "misjudgment". It was 100% truthful and the no sugar coated special of the day based on what you posted initially. Its just another viewpoint that you might not want to hear. I just spelled that out for you. Like I told you in my PM if you wrote more information to begin with my reply most likely would have been different.
  14. The truth is always a little hard to swallow. (she did say don't sugar coat it so I didn't).
  15. So that I understand you right...umm... You broke up with him or at least you left the man you shared a life with for 2 years? You moved out? You got yourself an apartment? You initiated No Contact Right? He tried to call you and you ignored him am I right? You refused to pick up the phone? You were playing a game....he tried to get a hold of you. He tried to commnicate. He wanted to speak to you and maybe resolve things since you mentioned that he called several times. You did not want to work things our apparently. What?, did you expect him to wallow in misery like some looser and come crawling back to you? Did you expect to teach him a lesson? Did you think he would sit at home alone and cry like a little baby becasue his love of his life walked out on him? Did you expect him to just rot in the fridge like some leftover pizza until you decided to maybe go back for some leftovers when all other options were exhausted? Did you expect him to blame himself and keep calling you while you slowly started going out or kept ignoring him more until you slowly got over him? Where did you expect this to go?..you not initiating contact. DId you think that maybe after a while you could decide to grant him an opportunity to beg you to return? I don't think so. He probably got really hurt, his ego got ruined, he felt betrayed by the woman he loved for 2 years, he finally got pissed, and decided to do something about it. You moved out. You left him. You showed him by refusing to talk that you didn't care about him any longer and that you didn't want anything to do with him anymore for whatever reason. What do you expect? All these people here are trying to be all supportive and understanding and say that he is such an evil man. That is all crap. I don't think so. If you have been with a man for 2 years you don't just move out and initiate NC and expect nothing to happen as a consequence of your actions. To a guy thats like saying "Truck you, I'm done with you." I think he did the right thing. I would have done the same if my girlfriend just packed up and moved her butt out of my house and refused to talk to me. (I've had some experience with this type of situation) Don't even for a moment think that what you chose to do, did not hurt him. Don't even for a moment try to displace blame onto him. It takes 2 to Tango. Most pople on here don't have a clue about how it feels to have someone you love just walk out and move out and not contact you. Its the ultimate insult. It is not he who threw away your love and who forgot you so quckly, it is you who chose to throw it all away by your actions. You probably thought you were in control and you had him in the palm of your hand, and now you got a rude awakening. Your ego got kicked and you got to feel the short end of the stick. If you moved out and got your own place you didn't love him anymore. Its just that now your ego got a little hurt becasue there is another woman in your bed. I don't see you saying how madly in love you are? or how sorry you are for what you did to him...am I right? I don't see you feeling guilty for leaving him. I don't see you being concerned about how he took your departure...you are not the victim here, at least based on what you have said so far. Since you didn't want any sugar coating, I'm just letting you know that you got what you deserved. No matter what the circumstances or your excuses are, the simple truth is that there was a moment in time when you had the opportunity to communicate and resolve things and you refused. He tried to call you. Maybe he wanted to tell you that he loved you and missed you. But you were playing games. No matter what the excuse the fact remains that by moving out you showed your man that you were done. He apparently figured it out quick. You did not resolve the adversities in your relationship properly, and you stupidly believed that you were "oh so special, that he could not be without you" You were wrong. Last weekend you got your reality check. Now you get to pay the price and learn the hardway that actions have consequences, and that you should never assume you are irreplacable to a point where you feel you can manipulate events. But alas girls never figure this one out. They always put the guy under the microscope and always judge whether he meets their expectations and if he stumbles and falls the girl instead of putting in effort will always make some bs excuse and leave, she is history looking for a better guy with a better whatever. She will tell herself "We didn't get along there was something worng with him!" or "I don't think I could be happy with him" or "I was so frustrated I couldn't handle it any more". The grass always looks so much greener over the other side doesn't it?...at least until you realize that the skirt next door can please him just as well as you could have, and that "there" isn't any better then "here". That and when you figure out that he has moved on and that he started to live again it makes you wonder why. Girls always wrongly assume that the guy they leave will be a looser for the rest of his life, and he will be lonely forever and he will just wallow in his own self pity. They want this to come true, they want to believe that their ex partner will always fail, because it justifies their leaving and they can say to themselves "I was right to leave him, he was a total looser". But 99.9% of the time thats not how it turns out. The guy bounces back real quick and the girl might just learn that maybe she wasn't as special as she thought she was. THe best way to accomplish this is to get together with another girl. Even if it takes him a long time to bounce back and start to have a new life, he eventually does and becomes much more then he was and his ex ever imagined he could be. Usually aroud that time she wakes up and realizes she really did love him and wants him back but its too late becasue he is already happy with a new younger and better version of his last girl. Relationships are cyclical, like business cycles...there are ups and downs....there are times that test the very bonds of what you have built. You said you had your ups and your downs too...some good times and some bad times. Those times are hard and require patience and support, not judgment or apathy or additional stress. You should have known this... You know what a relationship is about? Its about teamwork, and effort on behallf of both parties, where if one person sees the other person fall behind they pick them back up so they can get back into the race. They do not stand around and just watch things deteriorate further. They don't stand by and watch their partner stumble and fall. If they truly care they take action. They never give up on them, because they believe in them even when the other person stops believeing in themselves. That is what a realationship is about. 2 people putting in effort for one another to better and bring out the best in each another. If you truly believed that he tried to control his temper why did you leave? If you really felt loved why did you leave? You won't replace it easily....Apparently he was putting in effort and trying to meet your expecations....if you thought you had "deep love" why did you leave? Why did you give up? Was it easier to leave then to work at it? Relationships are about acceptance. I heard a saying once that said "I liked my wife for her perfections but I loved her for all her imperfections." I am not saying that you didn't do anything...I don't know..you didn't say much about that...but....How much effort did you really put in to make him into a better man? How hard did you really work with him? How much did you accept him, and how much of yourself and the things you have built, and your time did you risk for a better future? Or did you just put him down because he didn't measure up to your expectations, nagged about his faults, and expected him to change because you said something or hinted from time to time? What is his side of the story? What did he argue about? What faults did you have that he put up with for 2 years without complaining? Also how did he treat you overall? You said that the last few months anything triggered an argument or his explosiveness. What do you mean by anything? Did you trigger them? What or who was the catalyst? What was your contribution to this equation? To that guy..in his mind... you probably used him. I am sure it took you a while to distance yourself enough from him to move out. During that time you treated him less and less like a lover and an equal and more like someone you didn't want or care about. Your actions probably did most of the talking. That I am sure in turn made things worse, and if he was dealing with any sort of problems I am sure he was getting ticked. He started to react because in the back of his mind he knew something was wrong but he could not put a finger on it. Guys aren't good with figuring out such things. But he probably knew that something was going on and he felt the pressure you were putting on him. You needed justification to leave, you needed an excuse or several to reduce any guilt you might have had over what you were about to do. If there weren't any excuses or reasons good enought to leave you needed to create them. Arguing and nagging are the best ways to create justtification. You fueled each other, and accelerated whatever was going on. Fights started. Eventually as things tumbled it gave you more reason, more ammunition to leave and made your case stronger....until finally you left. But that probably crushed him...and now he is trying to deal with the pain the only way he knows how. In your story you downplay your part in this event. You say little about what you faield to do, and you say little about how he treated you overall for the last 2 years. What would he say in his defense if he was on here? And if there really was a real, unfixable problem and you left because you knew it wasn't the right thing then why are you upset now? Why are you seeking advice? You got what you wanted right? You mved out. Now you got no more arguments, and you got supportive friends, a nice job and a nice apartment. Whats the problem? If you didn't catch him with another woman and he was still a crying begging baby of a man still trying to call you all the time, you would still feel on top of the world and you would never post here. You would still be ignoring him. You would be looking for the next best thing in your life. things didn't turn out quite like you planned did they? But like that saying goes, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it and then some" A guy devoted 2 years to a girl and she just moved out of his house and left him. Any guy who has even an ounce of manhood in him won't stand for that crap. He will quickly make her realize the error of her ways, and make her realize how permanent her decision really was, because up to that point she thought that she had the luxury of time to play her game. He will take away the only real power she has, which is sex. After all the best way to forget a woman is with another woman. And you are right. He might never return to you now. Wounds resulting from such an experience go ever deep, and most guys can't lock up their pride long enough to admit wrongdowing or forgive the person who hurt them. They usually just become angry, bitter and later move on. There is pleanty of tail out there that will treat him better then you. You probably don't deserve him. It would take an act of god for you to win his respect or give you another chance. You said.."It's only been one week since we were last together, how can someone else be in my bed, and in the house that I gave so much love to make my home??... " how come you don't say anything about loving him? or giving love to him....why are you talking about the house that you gave so much love to? What about the man? The fine print says it all....I get the impression that love is no longer there for you. You don't care about him at all...You're only thinking of yourself now. He's not playing games. Its not your bed anymore. You moved out. That was your choice. No one held a gun to your head. If you feel like a fool its only because he got the upper hand, instead of you. You probably assumed you would go to his house and see him all miserable, and lonely. That didn't happen. An option you thought you had just got closed off. The only advice I can give you is that you can either: #1. Move on, foever leave him behind, and learn from your experience, so that next time you live with a guy things might play out a little differently. (and I am sure this will be tough). Move on and start dating again and look for another prince. Keep yourself busy and pamper yourself so you dont't feel hurt. #2. Try to contact him, and try to work something out and forgive him for sleeping with another girl and realize that he was hurt by you leaving. Realize that you both messed up. Realize that you can both work things out. If he dosen't want to have anything to do with you then just take a month apart and try again. Wait a while, see what happens and try again. Distance and time make the heart grow fonder. He will not forget you after 2 years. A guy soon realizes that its hard to replace those little things he was comfortable with no matter how much skirt he gets. Start again if you can. Start a fresh relationship on a new foundation. Learn form this. Grow as people. The time apart and the thing that happened on both your ends might just bring you 2 closer together and teach both of you about acceptance and working things out more instead of reacting emotionally. #3 Move on for now and see what happens. Maybe after a few months or years the 2 of you will meet up again and set off some sparks, and then become one of those couples who stay forever together. Who knows. Its never too late to try again....that is as long as you still care. If you don't then see #1. P.S. He did what he did because he probably assumed you left him because of another guy...
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