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leftovers of me

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  1. Thanks for all of the advice. At the moment, I'm just kind of chilling. As much as I'm sick of this life, I don't have the heart to ruin the holidays by killing myself. I have been trying extra hard not to do that this year. For the first time in ... lots of years, I was not told that I had ruined yet another Thanksgiving. If I can just hold a straight face until mid-January, I don't think anyone will associate "Merry Christmas" or any other bit of holiday merriment with my death. As far as finding another therapist goes, I'm not sure what I can do. I know I have to have one recommended to me by my doctor, whom I hate. He's a pervert. One time I had 2 infections and the flu simultaneously and absolutely refused to see him. I tried to tell my mother that he was, but she just responded that Eric (one of my brothers) liked him. Since Eric is the super-athletic one, his physical state takes priority over everyone elses'. Until I'm on my own insurance plan, I can't go to any doctor I want. That means I can't get a different therapist. Assuming I can find some way to get a therapist, I've decided that medication wouldn't be so bad. Besides, I've done worse "stuff." I'm currently evaluting your suggestion of taking a leave of absense from work after the holiday season is over. That's something I need to think longer on. Actually, it is all a lot to consider. Thank God I'm in one of my more "considerate" moods. I realize I see things in very dim lightings, but fortunately, today has been one of the more brighter of the dim days. That's kind of strange considering I haven't slept in about 40 to 41 hours. I think normal people get grumpy, but I become more pleasant? And yes, everything you've said has helped. The content is a great part of that help, but also just knowing that someone is actually listening is also a help. Thank you much!
  2. Thanks for your replies. I really appreciate both you taking the time to write what you did. Avman, you made me laugh with that "killing you this kindness" comment. Well, if you have to go, that's a very nice way to go. Lol. Eppenta, I understand what you mean about how a person should not end their life because of a down fall in their life. The problem is, however, my entire life is the down fall. I'd be ending it simply because it is my life. I'd like to believe I have a lot to live for, people actually do care about me, and things will eventually get better, but no offense, I'm having a hard time believing it at the moment. I was seeing a psychiatrist up until a couple of weeks ago. She decided that I was fit enough to no longer see her. Though, I was there for my eating disorder, which is actually still a very large issue for me. I mentioned that I get depressed quite often, but she never treated the matter like it was important. It makes you wonder if schools just hand PhDs to anyone walking down the street. To her credit, though, I did lie about my ED only at my last appointment. Though, she really shouldn't believe anyone under 90 pounds at 5'6" with years of problems with anorexia. I'm not sure if I'm going to search for another therapist for a lot of reasons: 1) I hate therapy. 2) I hate being put on medication. 3) I fear if a doctor sees how much weight I've dropped, I'll get stuck in In Patient care at some hospital. 4) Assuming #3 happens, I'll likely lose my job. 5) My parents are completely oblivious to my situation. I told them once that I had an eating disorder, and my mother finally arranged with our insurance to get a family physician. She never found out if I even made an appointment. My father just didn't care at all. If I tell them that I have a problem with depression, I know their reaction will be the same. I couldn't possibly deal with that. That would probably be the thing that would tip me over the edge. 6) I'm getting dropped from my parents insurance plan in the next couple of months, and won't have a chance to be insured until September. Plus, if #3 and #4 happen, that chance of being medically insured will not even happen. I think I could get over #1 and #2, but everything else prevents me from getting treatment.
  3. Hi, I'm a new member here. I guess I'll give a little intro of myself. I'm 18 and am posting in this particular forum for obvious reasons. It's amazing I've actually not killed myself yet. In elementary school, I was always alone and wanted desperately to die. I started starving myself way back then. I still starve myself. The first time I tried to kill myself I was 15 in Germany on a foreign exchange trip. I tried to overdose but just ended up passing out. Last time I seriously attempted was 2 years ago. I tried to starve my body to death. I went several days with no water or food and was simultaneously working out every day. I'm not sure why it didn't work because I honestly don't remember what happened. A little over a year ago I met this "great guy" and was quite happy ... for a little while. It was only a few months before my depression came back. Then, I found out this guy wasn't as great as I had thought. We're no longer an item, but because of that, I'm in terrible shape. He was the only person I could talk to. I have no friends at all. I make small talk with people at work, but that's the closest thing I have to an actual friendship ... actually any sort of relationship whatsoever. I don't really care about anything anymore. I dropped out of college because there's not really a future to plan for. The only reason I still have a job is to be able to afford my car -- my haven -- which is now inoperable anyway. Life at home ... well, let's not really get into that one. I'll just say it has always sucked, currently sucks, and will only continue to suck. That's why my car is my haven. I don't even really care about my appearance anymore either. I showered for the first time today in I think 4 days. I've gone over a week before. Disgusting, isn't it? I only look good enough to get by at work. I say anything that pops into my head without hesitation (i.e. I ran into my former best friend from high school, and at the end of a short conversation, she said "See you around maybe!" and I said "You may have to look in the obituaries." Even I was shocked I said that out loud.). I spend money like there is no tomorrow. It seems like I either don't sleep at all or I spend twice as much time sleeping than being awake. I have no real interests unless counting calories is considered an interest. I am no longer a person; I am a body of diseases. I would very much like to die. I know no one is going to tell me to just get it over with or how to get the job done. I suppose I just want the attention. How selfish of me. -- the anorexic, lonely, and depressed leftovers of me
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