SuperSyn

We haven't even been divorced a year and a half, but you're married again. I hope this time you stay and don't run off into the arms of another person after a few years like in your last 3 relationships. I think 6-7 years with someone is your magic number. You attempted to email me this past December, I did get it, but I chose not to reply. You're a married woman emailing me about "still thinking of me". I maintain no contact, because it's better for me to move on - even if secretly I think of you often. You left me, you took my step-kids away and you went off on your own into the arms of another. I've come to terms with that, but that doesn't mean I have to keep reliving it by talking to you, seeing you or knowing your business. This song tonight popped into my head, these particular lyrics hit home -- " Cause I wished you the best of all this world could give and I told you when you left me there's nothing to forgive..but I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you've found was heartbreak and misery". Each day, month and soon to be years that pass dulls the ache you had caused with our divorce. I really want you to be happy, which I believe you are so that's enough for me. Love isn't supposed to be selfish so I hope that he protects you, the kids and treats you the way you deserve.

You emailed me today, you realized (or maybe didn't) that you love me and that it hurts to watch someone fall in love knowing you won't feel the same. Well, I was and still am in love with you, but you'll never get the satisfaction of knowing that, because you tore me down. You were cold to me, you shattered me and the things I learned about your character were unsavory. I will continue to get over you and yes, you're right - I am moving on. Not in the way that I am moving on with someone else, but in the way that I will learn to be happier with myself and not have to engage in self destructive behaviors like I did with you. You broke me Angel. I love you so much, but you'll never hear or read those words come from me.

Well I feel completely stupid. I guess when you started your job that "ugly, fat guy with a gf" was just a friend. Funnily enough, now you're with him in a relationship. We aren't even separated for a few weeks and you are moved on from our 6 year marriage. I should have seen the signs when I was there. The coming home late, saying I was too controlling and dismissing your own kids for your phone. You spoke about him a lot and I just figured he was someone you just liked to talk to from work. What a slap in the face. The picture of you kissing him didn't help either. Damn Angel. Ouch. It's okay though, I just want your happiness and I will ride this wave out.

Another hard night, such raw emotion in the depth of my soul. I long for you, but I know I need to get better. It will get better, I still cry everyday and think of you 24hrs without much sleep. I've lost a lot of freaking weight, but that could also be the result of the gym as well. I miss you Angel. You are my heart and my soul. You are the reason I had to get help to cope with the illnesses I had as to not repeat them. I will come back a stronger person with a better career and head on my shoulders. It's you I have to thank and will thank when the time comes. Angel, you are not only beautiful on the outside, but on the inside too. I haven't anything bad to say about you, because you really are a good woman. I broke your heart years ago over and over so I have to face the consequences of the person you are now due to it. I realized too late what I had and that will be my biggest regret in life.

I love you, I can't make you fall back in love with me or take the bad things I did away that broke your heart over the years. We did this to each other and now that we are hours apart, I find myself thinking more and more about what you're doing or who you're talking to. I guess it's none of my business. You're still my wife, or at least I still consider you my wife until we officially get the divorce. I don't want to give up on us, on my step kids that I raised, I need you to be strong too, but I know the truth in my heart. It's been 31 days since I last saw you and last held you. I just want to say I'm sorry.

I miss you everyday and I love you. When I read back I see that I didn't truly heal from my last relationship of 6 years if I was still writing about it when we got together. I brought those issues into this marriage and ultimately it fell apart, because I was so emotionally exhausted from the last relationship that I didn't try for you. You are correct. Once I got to a point I was healed and wanted to try that is when you checked out. I can't blame you for that, I can't blame you for falling out of love. We both had our issues, but we stuck it out and kept beating a dead horse. I think you're right when you said we were co dependent on each other and now that we are separated living 4 hours away from each other I can gain new clarity. This time I have to take the real time to get over this and heal. I love you so much, I really do, but thank you. Thank you for saying and doing what probably should have been done years ago. I wasn't ready. You knew it deep in your heart, but it still hurts to be without you nonetheless.

I can't begin to describe how painful this is knowing I'm back here yet again. I wanted so badly to be with you, but coming 5, 6, 7th in your life hurt me. I took the time to heal, but when I finally open up again you decide to crush the last remaining parts of my heart I had to give as if it were so easy for you. I rearranged things in my life for you and those few moments I tried and begged for meant everything to me. You were the one I wanted to be with, but you couldn't see it and I don't know what you're so afraid of. You didn't have to do things alone, because I was trying to be the one to help you. I would have been there in ways your other exes weren't. You were the last one to see me this way. It was you that took me to new heights in the way I felt and looked at things. I wanted us to have a life together, but you couldn't deal with change. You finally meet that person you felt was 'the one' and you break them to pieces. Thanks, I appreciate it. You're not the one who has to pick up their heart up off of the floor again, or deal with the sleepless nights...here we go again. Im back to day one with the pain pumping throughout my entire body.

Sigh. When we haven't talked in who knows how long you call me out of the blue and want to talk, because your life in TX is crappy right now? What gives you the right to blow up my phone and text messages with flirty things, which I almost fell for..shame on me if I had. You broke my heart after 6 years together, ran off to Texas to be with some guy you knew in middle school and now that he has 'disappeared' as you say I'm one of the people you come to. Um, hell no. You even have some guy waiting here in this state who wants to be with you (or so you say) so leave me the F alone and let me get over you. You were my first love, you did every possible thing imaginable to not only insult me, but embarrass me and hurt me where I had absolutely no self esteem left and you call me up to ask if we can stay on 'good terms'? LOL. B***** please.

Dear Christine, You're so selfish, a crazy pathological liar and an air mattress. How could I have been so blind? Love, M Ps. No, you aren't the most beautiful woman I'll ever date and yes, those new jeans you wear give you camel toe. Just sayin'

The worst part of my day is waking up and yes I still automatically wake up at 6am. Reality sets in that you're no longer with me and it's so painful my entire body feels it. I feel you coursing through my veins...I love you so much and I miss you more than you'll ever know. This sadness consumes me, but throwing myself into working 50+ hours a week helps to get my mind off of you. I don't like sitting idle, because then the thoughts of you come pouring down like rain and there is no sun to help me through those times. I know you've moved on and you're going to be with "him" soon. I only want you to be happy and know that if you ever need anything, anyone...I'm here. I forgive you for the cold shoulder you gave me when I cried my heart out to you on those many occasions after the break-up. I forgive you for giving up on our relationship, because I want you to be happy, but I just wish it was with me. This body may be mine, but this hole in my chest is your doing so that belongs to you. I love you C.K.P. Words I'll never write to you.