annbuckley

it has been a year now and I am so tried of you still invading my head. I have moved on with my life, and I have created a really good one. I miss you sometimes so much that I ache all over. I want deeply to have made all of this disappear but it will never be undone. I am sorry that you fell off of a ladder and I am sorry that you are in pain. I am always hoping that you are happy but I hope as well that you are forever alone. I don't want you to be with anyone else. I can't bear it. Even still and even though I am now seeing someone - I am not over you and i know it. I think that you are almost out of my heart but then I start asking about you and wondering where you are and if you are okay. You called me a parasite. Odd choice of words coming from you. You suckled into my skin and I still can't completely get rid of you. I want to and I don't at the same time. I should never allow you in my life after what you said and did to me for all those years...but you were and are a sick man. You need medication. Being without you is painful, but being with you is worse. I love you and I always will but get out of my head. Go die. It will be easier for me to let you go. xooxoxxoxo

I am so angry that you are gone. I wanted so much for us. You go to mexico - and sit - under a tree and feel the hurt I feel. you lost. you wanted half so badly - that is what you have left. half of the heart that was whole. I miss you and I hate you. leave my heart.

why why why did I call you today and see if you wanted me to join you in Cancun. why why why did I ask you to sleep with me - why am I insane about you still. I am attractive, other guys are in touch with me - none are available what is all that about - but I can do better than you............why why why did I go down that road. I have been crying and fussy all day thinking about what I said. You rejected ME. Are you kidding me? Well maybe I am not all that and two bags of chips - but I am a pretty cool gal - I feel like an idiot. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh](*,)](*,)](*,)](*,)]

Give your gatekeeper my regards, I had a family before you. My son was sweet and young and impressionable. There were tons that you did right. And as much you did wrong. We both raised him. Don't let him hate his mother. That isn't fair. It is dirty and ugly and I hold you responsible. Make me not push send. I hate him today. I hate him today.

I will never forgive you for what you did to me. I will forgive myself for putting up with it for so long. Don't call me, don't write me - get out of my freaking head. OUT. I have had more than I can take and I deserve better. You are just plug and play. You will hurt someone else the same way as you did over and over again. I didn't understand Heathers overwhelming sadness - but it was the same as my own. You did it to her too, and the one before that. The paper wasn't dry on the divorce. It wasn't dry! That is why she called us all the time and would get so drunk and so obnoxious. She had your unfinished business. Oh my - I hope the girl you are with is smarter than we were. I hope that seh sees you for the fraud that you are. You lying jerk. You are so romantic, so attntive, so fantastic but inside youdon't know how to be a man. You are just an illusion - somthing that movies are made of but you are a shallow child and your character is a lie.. Yes you did some great things while we were together - you do deserve a bone in some places - but at the end of the day it was just a pay off so that I would take your abuse. And I did. I was your punching bag. I want you gone. Forever. I never want to see your face agan or feel you or touch you or laugh with you. The last words i said were I love you. I want them to be the last words I ever say to you. KEEP AWAY - you dirty, stinking, parasite. The poison you have left in me is killing my spirit. I need it to get out of me - get out get out get out. I really really detest what you stand for. Go away forever.

What you did hurt me. You said sorry as though you had brushed lint off of a strangers jacket. You never looked at me lovingly and told me that you regretted what you did. You called me horrible things and expected I was going to be someone else. You are cruel and arrogant. You are haughty and bitter and you are not truthful. The girl you are with today will be happy because she sees the fake you. The you that has charm and charisma. The you that is fun and alive. You are inside a blank and empty vessel and your appreciation level is insatiable. If you are not the center of the attention, you are empty. You are a peacock - showing your plume but you are not beautiful. I loved you more than I have ever loved anything and you spit on me. You threw me away like trash into a rat infested dumpster. I hate you for what you did to me. I hate the words you used to describe yourself. You are plug and play. No one will ever see the real you until they fall for you and then you become Dr. Jeckle. I hate feeling this way. I hate wearing pain - the parasitical pain that you said that I was. I took nothing from you. I never asked for a thing and now she will be getting all of the good from you - and It was I who deserved it. I didn't deserve your ugliness. But - like I said - for two years she will have the time of her life - you aren't even going to try on a few girls. You will fill your cup with the immediate adoration. you will have fun. you will have fun. and then you will turn into the ugly that you are. I must must must let you out of my head. I must must must stop thinking about you. I want to crush you right now. If i were a man - I would beat the snot out of you for what you did to me. You are a coward. I would love to put on a gi and kick the ever loving crap out of you - and leave you to lay and rot. How can I have loved you so much. How can i have loved you so much to have lost so much of myself. I have never hated anything in my life. Never. And for all these words - I don't hate you. I must mentally beat you out of my head. And when I have left you to rot, as you have done to me year after year after year, How will I feel. I feel sick. pulling myself out of your entrapment and letting go - I feel sick. I want to explode. i want to release this anger - I have so much anger. I am so badly hurt. I hate what has happened to me. My dreams are gone. My trust is gone. God have mercy on my spirit. Let me out of this internal horror show. My insides are on fire. I don't care about plug and play. I feel sorry for her. Yes - she will have fum for a while - but god help her. I am not angry at her. She is innocent. She hasn't got a clue what he is. He is a Narcissistic Man with Boarderline Personality Traits and he is an abuser. He will shoot you down when he is finished. I read somewhere, that his purpose on earth was to teach women about themselves. I agree. If it wasn't for him, i wouldn't have learned hate. I wouldn't have researched abandonment. I wouldn't have screwed up my son's life either. My poor child has become a bitter and cynical soul. He has amazing set of boundaries - where he got them i don't know. Not from me. I love my child. I hate that I let him see such horror in my marriage. I wanted to leave when he was small but he begged me not to and so I stayed. i should have taken my child out of the situation but I was too scared to be on my own - I was too tired from working so hard and i thought that my husband was going to rescue us. He did provide a lot of wonderful things - it wasn't all bad - but it was bad. I am afraid now again for my future. Will I be able to make it on my own. Yes. Am I really tired of it. Right now yes, but in time - no. I want the nager to go away. I think I need to go find a club to release it. I need to take kick boxing or something. I need to beat it out of me so that I can breathe. I am afraid of hurting myself or others - I am not relaxed. I am angry. this goes out to the cosmos. It is a rant, a tantrum, a primal scream. Nothing more.