Mttens

Wow, how time flies! Happy birthday...

This message is for the person I thought you were: Happy Holidays! I love you and miss you a lot, especially this Christmas.

I`m lonely without you, I miss you, I need to talk to you... but then I remember you walked away with her 6 months ago and never looked back. Nothing mattered to you, nothing was real, I`m just a fool who fell for you and your words...

Had another bad dream with you, probably the 1000000`th one. You were more than incredibly cruel and mean this time. But as usual, you looked so happy saying things to hurt me... When will I get used to this "new" you?

Do you ever miss me?

I`m trying to figure out if this year is a good one or a bad one. It definitely feels like the worst nightmare of my life. Never been so hurt or stuck in such a confusion cloud; never had my head in a such constant fight with my heart. I`m trying to be optimistic and think its for the best. Maybe it was time for both of us to get a reality check. I learned a lot in the last months and its probably a lot more to learn. We`ve both been good and bad to each other over those years, I cant deny that, no one is perfect. I was there for you; you were, too, I remember all the small things you`ve helped me with and feels like a knife in my heart knowing this is the same person who looked into my eyes and lied and cheated and then ran away from me without even looking back. This is something I cant take the blame for, I was also there for you to talk to me, to let me know how things are, I was always willing to work on things, no matter what. I gave you everything that I expected to get in return, and maybe more. I never said one lie to you.. I dont believe in games and lies.. dunno, maybe I`m a fool for that, but I still hope I`m not. I also hope someday you will be able to realize what you have done. Not to come to me and say you`re sorry, I dont think it will help me in any way, but it would be nice to see you realizing doing something wrong for once. And maybe from that day I`ll be able to look back and be happy for what we had back then. Or it just wont matter anymore. I did nothing to deserve that and for sure did nothing to deserve the nasty things you said to me before you left. Will probably be a tough end of the year with "our anniversary" coming, then Christmas and all. I remember how in love we were last Christmas, or maybe it was just me, I will probably never know. But maybe next year will be better.

Having a really bad time lately. The only thing that keeps me going through the days is knowing no matter what, we`re done for good, there is nothing to erase the past and make me forget the things you`ve done, so its useless to even think about you. It will probably take a little longer than I expected. How can I still miss you after everything that happened?

Miss you tonight a lot... hate it.

Four months and not even one single attempt from you to check on me in all this time. Not sure I want you to do it, but it would at least mean something I suppose. Cant say I didnt see this coming, but it was in that kind of way like I never saw us getting married, even tho back then we were still together. I guess there are some things you just feel deep in your heart that wont ever happen, but choose not to acknowledge them. I`m so sorry to see you`re not 1% of what you said you are or what I pictured you to be; I`d probably have a different approach to the situation in that case. I loved you so much and it still hurts.

Wish so much I could go back in time 12 years ago today and make some other plans for the evening. Wish I knew at any time in all these years what your true colors were. And maybe more than that I wish you would at least let me have some nice memories of us. I dont want you back, but its still so hard to see that after so much time spent daily together you were able to do something like that and in the end just delete me from your memory in a blink of an eye. I thought you really loved me.. when the truth is you dont care, never did, for one more time you showed me how this whole planet revolves around you from your pov. It`s sad. I shouldn`t care, I know I deserve better, but I`m so disappointed, words cant even express it.

I wish your family would leave me the f alone. I dont need you, I dont need them offering me anything. I dont want to know any of you anymore. Nothing will make up for the damage you`ve done. I dont need your family thinking they can compensate something with silly gestures. You`re all selfish, ready to do anything just to make you feel better. S***w that! It`s insulting. You broke my heart and ruined everything I believed in. I`m the one left behind picking up the pieces. I didnt ask anyone for anything, so I`d appreciate them never contacting me. If any of you has something on your conscience, deal with it, ALONE, the same way I did and still do with everything after you have left. Also, mommy trying to clean up for your mess... its just indescribable.

Felt pretty good in the last 10 days. I`ve been also very busy, but you still managed to cross my mind today for more than I wanted. No loving or missing you thoughts, just feeling sick thinking of the way you treated me, from the beginning to the end. Also feeling weird regarding all my crying, begging and pleading to you while you were trashing everything. Every word you said during our break up was and still is like a knife thrown at me and to think at that time I`ve lost all self respect in matter of seconds gives me the chills. Lots of people still asking me about you. I tell them we`re not together anymore and they all say you`re a looser. I wont argue that. I was actually surprised to see those people appreciating me, after all those years of not feeling good enough around you. Feels nice. Also feels nice to see people who were not even that close to me being concerned about me. The more of them I see, the more I think of you as a robot. The last 3 and 1/2 months have really been an experience for me. While I may regret how things ended and how 12 years of my life were wasted, on the other hand I dont regret it. I feel much stronger now. Some weeks ago I had no will to live, but now things are totally different. Few days ago I was at your house, not the thing that I wanted to do, but, well, had to talk in person with your brother about some stuff. Guess I also took it as a test for myself. We stayed in your room and I felt nothing. Nothing at all. Just a bit annoyed that your mother was surprised that I look good and appear to also feel good. Surprising not everyone in your family can hide their feelings as you do. I`ll be fine in time. I already am. I have absolutely no desire to see or speak to you ever again. Or to hear what you`ve been up to. I now care only about myself, you`re not my priority anymore. You`re just my ex bf who messed up royally. Guess whose time is now to say "I wont be with you, even if we two were the last people breathing on this earth"?

3 months today. Felt like crap all day, but now I`m better. I`m tired of you, hope I wont dream of you or your family again. Its weird how things can change. I really loved you, no matter how many times you messed up, but you have destroyed every single piece of me. I`ll appreciate my life more in the future, now that I know how hell is like. Good night, wherever you are.

I came to the conclusion that you never loved me. There was no "falling out of love". There was no friendship either. It`s the plain truth. No one who ever loved someone or been a friend acts this way. A "perfection" facade and a constant manipulation machine, this is who you are. I fell so bad for you and ended acting like the perfect puppet. Then you said it wasn't working for years and yet never said a word about it, did everything possible to fake it till the last moment. I have no idea if this is intended damage or just a lie you say in order make yourself feel better. I`m not a toy you use and throw away when you find a new one and I`ll never forget you treating me this way.

Feeling better today, but extremely sad. I`m sad it was so easy for you to leave, sad because you didn't feel the need to be honest with me, to communicate, or to at least be willing to give us a chance. It saddens me more thinking of all the times I was so close to leave, but I stayed, holding you in my arms hoping that everything will be ok. "No good deed goes unpunished" they say. I don't regret the things I`ve done for us, I never will, but I cant stop wondering why you couldn't do the same? You meant the world to me, but I meant so little to you. Hurts so bad to accept it.