scotsguy

Yay good for you! I think depending on their behaviour during and post- breakup it's only natural to lose respect for them sooner or later. My friend has literally just been broken up with by her long-term boyfriend, and because the way he did it was so cowardly and disrespectful she has completely lost respect for him already. She actually makes me feel like a novice at all this since she's coping so well! (I've put a thread on the breaking up board if you're interested). It's great that you're attracting interest from men already. Just be careful not to rush into anything before you're ready. There will still be guys hanging around when you are ready. Keep your guard up if you do see your ex on Wednesday. It can set you back an awfully long way if you're not prepared for it.

Thanks Silver B. Been pretty busy the last week, hence my slowness in replying. It sounds like you have it all figured out too if someone wants you back, they have to make all the moves at first. And yes, they run the risk that you will decide at any point that you don't want them back! Isn't it fair that they should do more of the work initially seeing as they created the situation? If your ex does come back (and I hope he does if that is what you want) then do be prepared to walk away if he's not treating you like he should! It's easy to grab a reconciliation with both hands at the first sign of interest from an ex, and equally easy to let them away with things because you don't want to rock the boat. If his behaviour is unacceptable, say so! I wish you the best, and I know things will be okay for you - whichever way it ends up going.

It's difficult yes. I generally stuck to the rule that as long as she was still seeing someone, I wasn't interested. That meant I would either not respond at all (most of the time) or respond in a detached manner. The impression my occasional replies gave was that I was only replying because I had to and I would much rather not have to deal with her at all. Because while they're seeing someone else, I really can't think of any legitimate reason they would need to contact you. If the little crappy contacts continue, you could reply with, "I know you mean well but I'd rather you didn't contact me unless it's important. Thanks." That's a nice way of doing it but it gets the message accross. 'Important' is open to interpretation of course - but it saves you explicitly saying, "unless you want to get back together". And if that doesn't stop her contacting you for little things, then you can be a bit more blunt, since you have already asked nicely. When she told me she was single again and wanted to meet, I was more open to speaking to her - because the bf was out of the picture. So at some point you have to take a step of faith if you're going to reconcile, but not while they have a new partner IMO.

Gaelic, for the first few months there was NC on my part but she would keep contacting me. Sometimes I responded but often not. I think she was very confused during this time - no excuse of course. When I did respond I would always remind her that it had to stop because it wasn't helping either of us. She always wanted to be friends, and of course I said that wasn't possible. After a while the frequency of her calls decreased. Rather than a couple of times a week it became every two weeks or so (and usually on a sunday morning - go figure!). Possibly the longest I went without contact from her was about a month. Though I didn't initiate any of that contact. I suppose in retrospect I'm coming accross on here as quite calm and composed - that wasn't the case at the time believe me! I did what I had to do, but boy did I struggle with it. There were nights I cried myself to sleep. If she called me and I ignored it, I spent days overanalysing it and wondering why she called. It's a really horrible feeling. So I guess I handled it well, in the sense that I didn't give in to her contacting me. But it still messed with my head just as much as the next guy. Another thing I should make clear about the actual reconciliation process which is often a source of some debate here - when we met at Christmastime, she made it very clear what she wanted. She didn't beat about the bush, she just came out and said it. And during our infrequent contacts in the months that followed she was equally focused on that point and wouldn't let me forget it. So while this will not be true in all cases, sometimes they do just come right out and say it. And it makes it a whole lot easier when they do! Kudos to you for making it to 5 months without cracking. I hope you've used the opportunity to do some real personal growth. Stay the course, and I do hope tremendously that things work out for the best for you (whatever outcome that may be). You never know what's around the next corner. Thanks for your kind wishes. Prof Plum, thanks for your encouragement focus and self discipline - yes. Coping took * a long time. This was my first serious relationship and the break up hit me hard. I believe being focused and disciplined helped me heal quicker - it still took many months, but I can't even imagine how it would have been if I had kept in contact initially.

Bringing this thread back on topic, I wanted to briefly share my own story. My girl broke up with me in March last year. Usual reasons of loving but not being in love, no spark anymore. I messed up for the first few weeks and broke all the rules. But by the middle of April I was on track and did not initiate further contact. I was actually very strict about this. However I did respond to some attempts at contact from her. Most I ignored (calls, messages) but if it seemed particularly important I would respond in a detached way. Through her contacts I could tell that she wasn't completely over me, but to be honest it got to the point where I started to not care anymore. You can only take so much before you cant be bothered with the drama anymore. Towards the autumn, september I think, she sought me out in person "to talk". Turns out she thought she made a mistake and wanted to know if I would consider trying again. However - and it's a big however! - she was still living with her new bf at this point. I told her to get lost and I wasn't going to compete with anyone (had to be strong here!). Just before Christmas she called me to meet. She had left the guy and again wanted to know if I would give her another chance. She realised she had messed up by leaving me and wanted another chance. Too soon I thought. She had only just ended it with him and I didn't want to be a 'rebound', nor did I want to give her the impression she can just walk back in whenever she likes. I told to come back in summer if she still felt the same and we would see where we stood. We did keep in touch a bit during this time, not regularly and not often. In May she wanted to talk about things again, and we had a good honest discussion about what happened and what would be different next time. I made it clear to her that this was her second chance, there wouldn't be a third. So as of about a month ago we are officially back together. We're taking things slowly, which I'm more than happy with. We're happy together, determined not to fall back into what happened before and we both feel positive about our future. I won't lie. Its not an easy process. I still struggle with her having lived with another guy and having had a completely separate life I know little of. But I won't let that turn into resentment and ruin things. It just isn't worth it. And it's true what people say - just when you're ready to move on (or already have) they often come back. We're lucky that she came back just before. Because I was definitely ready to leave it all behind. Any other details? Well we dated for 4 years before, broken up for a total of 14 months with some contact in between and we're both fairly young (20s). Any questions please ask and I'll try to answer. This place has helped me enormously so I think I owe you guys something.

Well well well, now you're hurting. What goes around comes around. In one sense its good to know that you're having a hard time of it, but I'm starting to think I'm better off out of it. You can't handle being alone. If you ever leave a relationship without having the next one lined up I'll be very surprised. Thank you for validating everything I went through. Unless you mature significantly, I would be quite happy never interacting with you again. Now leave me alone.

I guess you've realised by now that I'm not responding. How does it feel to be shut out by someone? You won't hurt as much as I did but maybe this will give you a taste. I know you wanted to be friends but this is what happens when you ditch someone who loves you. Don't be surprised that I'm not sticking around for more hurt. You're emotionally immature and in a way I'm glad this has happened so I can see the real you. I will find someone who will make me so much happier than you ever could.

Did you really expect a reply to your message? You want closure from me, you want the guilt you feel over how you handled things to disappear. Well sorry, I'm not going to make things easier for you. I think you're beginning to realise how you made me feel. I hope that makes you feel uncomfortable. I don't owe you anything anymore. I'm sure your new boyfriend will take your mind off things. And you know what? He's welcome to you. You'll end up treating him the same way you treated me. And I won't be around to pick up the pieces.

Day 21 3 weeks, I'm getting there. Still no attempted contact from her. I no longer jump everytime my phone vibrates expecting it to be a message from her. I do still worry when it rings because I don't get many calls - especially when the number is blocked. I don't want to hear from her. I think about her less than I used to. I sometimes go for hours without her entering my thoughts. I'm focusing on creating and maintaining friendships with old and new friends. NC gets easier as time goes on. You get used to it. Mostly if I think of her, it's about what she might be doing right now. But you know what? It doesn't matter. I only care about what she's doing now if I think we might reconcile one day. If she's gone forever it doesn't bother me, she can do what she wants. And at this point if she came back I would tell her where to go. Not that she will good luck to her, I hope she's happy.

Day 14 Wow two weeks. It definitely gets easier. I don't want to know what she's doing anymore, it doesn't really bother me. I don't know how I'll react in the heat of the moment if she tries to contact me. I definitely don't want to communicate with her at this point. I can't think of anything she could say that I would be interested in hearing. I'm not so bothered about targets and counting days anymore. NC is just the way life is now. She's not in it anymore.

Day 10 Sometimes memories come to me at night, good memories of us having fun together. They don't hurt me though, it's like I'm able to look back at the time we spent together and be happy that we had what we had. There are still times when I feel a bit down but I'm keeping busy with friends and working. Starting to make some good plans for the future, focusing on me and only me. It feels nice to be able to do that.

Day 8 Today was quite good. I spent time with family. Spent most of the day at home and went out tonight to see toy story. I'm not thinking about her as much. Still sad about the way things worked out but I'm slowly getting better.

Day 7 From waking up early this morning until lunchtime, I felt really anxious for some reason. Not sure if it was related to her though. I can't figure out what was wrong with me specifically. After lunch that went away and I have been mostly fine for the rest of the day. Still having occasional thoughts of her and what she's up to but mostly I'm focusing on myself and what I want to do. I find myself going through longer periods without thinking about her. It's only day 7 but I think this time it's going to stick. Day 30? Day 60? Day 100? Bring it on!

Day 6 I don't feel so helpless anymore. NC seems to be working already. I have friends to keep me busy and things are looking up. One of my favourite things is travelling and last night a friend suggested an idea for a trip next summer that I hadn't thought about before. When I started thinking about it, I actually got really excited about it. My ex loved to travel too, but this isn't something we would have done together. Maybe the plans won't work out, but just the fact that I got so excited about something else makes me think I'm going to be alright. Is it okay to throw yourself into things that you love doing after a breakup? I don't want to replace my ex with this if it's going to hurt me in the long term. On the other hand if I do end up making these plans for next summer, it's a definite step towards moving on. I'm essentially saying, "We're not getting back together until at least after next summer". Still no desire to contact her. I will find someone better for me. I still miss having someone to share my evenings with, to go for walks and out for dinner. But I will find someone who wants to do that with me.

Day 5 She called me today, blocked her number so I didn't know it was her. When I answered she said she knew I would ignore it otherwise. She wanted help with her email again, I told her to call the helpdesk. She said she is busy for the next couple of days and needs access to her email. I just told her she would need to be on campus to change it and I couldn't help her any further. I am not counting this as breaking NC. If anything her calling me has helped. I am starting to lose respect for her. It makes me so annoyed that she cannot respect a simple request from me for some space. I told her she can't call me every time she has a problem. What she is doing is completely unreasonable, right? She's 'busy' so calls me to fix a problem for her. I could fix it if I wanted, but I'm not going out of my way to help her. Not going to be pushed around anymore.