Poetry Guy

This is my final entry in this thread...and I'm happy about that. Details are here: So, I broke NC and the rules of this thread stipulated that we were supposed to say how we felt afterwards...and that's what I just did up above. Good luck to everyone else in their own relationship situations.

Amen to that. Like I said before: it's an interesting Catch-22 in my situation because on the one hand, I feel that bringing it up on a daily basis is counterproductive to my moving on process, yet at the same time I wouldn't be coming here if I didn't still have strong feelings for my ex. Perhaps the difference resides in the fact that I was the dumper, not the dumpee, and I'm not too thrilled with the hostile and hateful way she has handled this breakup. It's not in my character to burn bridges or to carry any animosity towards someone whom you love/loved. In fact, I don't grasp the concept of hatred at all. If nothing else, I would like the opportunity for the two of us to end things on a more amicable note particularly as we do have many mutual friends & acquaintances involved in the picture and I don't want any disharmony among our peers. As the dumper, I'm the bad guy right now and she's the poor little innocent victim who never did anything wrong. Newsflash sweetheart: it takes two to tango. Day #12 Eh...I've summed it up pretty well with the words above. I'm meeting with a counselor/therapist today to address some of my own issues that developed as a result of the cumulative effect of extremely unlucky circumstances that my ex and I both found each other in as well as her own "deficiencies" that I've mentioned previously. I'm also tired as hell today - didn't sleep well last night because of the "chess match" going on right now between the two of us. She said in her text message that the decision to break up was mine, not hers...then went on to tell me to leave her alone so that she could get over it and move on. That kind of mixed message has left me with some uncertainty as to when to contact her, but I will at some point because as the dumper, it is my obligation to initiate that...particularly given my desire to resolve any animosity that she might currently hold towards me in relation to the things mentioned above. I'll see what the therapist says, sit on it for another couple of days, and then if I initiate contact and she doesn't respond? C'est la vie.

Day #11 Starting to wonder a little bit whether or not my continued participation in this thread is only making things harder. I've considered it to be very therapeutic for now in terms of typing out my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions almost like I would in a personal journal of some kind but sometimes it also feels as though I am not allowing myself the time and space that I need to "move on". It's an interesting Catch-22 but ultimately I'm still here typing these posts and recording my thoughts so I probably would have still been having the thoughts anyways regardless of whether or not I chose to post them in this thread. I've definitely had some very strong urges at times to attempt to contact her, especially because I'm the dumper, but with the way she kind of turned the tables and told me to leave her alone so she could "get over it and move on" it's a little bit confusing as to what I ultimately want to do. Even though I maintained my composure throughout the breakup, she was very hostile at times and has told everybody she knows, including some of my own friends, that she "hates" me. I don't understand the concept of "hate" but more importantly, I really do not like ending things with anybody I once loved on a bad note with burned bridges. Still, if she is not open or receptive to receiving an apology - whether it be soon or something much later on down the road - is something that is out of my control. Maybe she really wants me to apologize despite telling her to leave me alone, maybe she really does hate me...who knows. I don't hate her though and if hatred and burned bridges is the route she wants to take then she is ultimately hurting herself more than she is hurting me. "Holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot coal that you intend to throw at someone else: in the end, you are the one who gets burned" - that is a paraphrased quote from Buddha. (I'm a Christian btw, but the quote is nevertheless a good one) Having a good day so far but thoughts of her definitely fill my mind on a very regular basis throughout the day.

Day #10 This was an interesting day. I hung out with one of my best friends and her daughters: we went to church together, to lunch, to the gym, and then later hung out at her place when she made dinner for all of us and we watched Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom. haha That made for a nice flashback to some better days and some fond memories when I was younger. As the night wore on though, I started thinking about my ex and her own daughter, and as my friend and I were listening to some of her favorite songs on her Ipod I started to feel an incredible pain in my heart - and not of the cardiac arrest variety. I politely excused myself (it was getting late anyways) and then on the drive home, for the first time since I broke up with her, I cried. And I don't cry very often - in fact, I can't even recall the last time I did so. Still, regardless of how hostile and bitter she was in the final week of the relationship and especially after I broke up with her, I do still value the good times and the things that were unique to her and her alone. Tears help to cleanse the soul and are just a natural part of the process that we all go through when we break up/lose someone we love. To be a little unorthodox and probably go against the grain of what most other people on here would recommend, I popped in our CD with the playlist of our songs after I was done with the waterworks session and can honestly say that I just kind of sat back on my couch with a smile on my face - thinking about the good memories, but also not being in pain or saddened. I think the only thing that I really want at this point is for her hatred of me to stop. I did way more for her than any of her previous boyfriends and virtually everything that I did was a first for her, which is in part the reason she had such a difficult time adjusting to it. I feel unresolved in that I probably loved her the most, yet am, as of yet at any rate, the only "ex" that she "hates" and has no desire to be friends with. But...the breakup is still raw. Only 10 days old. I want to be able to talk to her and explain some things, but she can be a very angry person who had told me to "leave her alone so she could get over it and move on" when I ironically I was the one who dumped her. Either way, I had a great day today as a whole with what I consider to be "therapeutic" tears. The necessary ones. And I feel ok about that.

Day # 9 Feeling great today and still making forward progress. A little on the tired side, but that's only because I had a late night out with some friends - which was also a useful distraction that helped me get back in touch with who I am and some of the loss of identity that I experienced in this very turbulent relationship. I do still think about my ex and, being the dumper, I do still want to be able to provide her with an apology and some closure but for now I'm honoring her request to leave her alone and "let her get over it so she can move on" (her words). That was her text the day after the breakup and with how hostile she was in the breakup process, as well as through the valuable advice and feedback that I've found on this forum by asking questions, I have a better appreciation for how much I hurt her in breaking up with her. She wasn't right for me anyways, and I do hope she can get over it and move on, like I am doing right now by moving forward with my life without her. Nevertheless, I'm a decent enough human being to want to apologize for my part and whatever benefit she might derive from it. Other than that, I'm doing well and looking forward to a great Saturday!

Day #8 Again, I'm the dumper. However, she pretty much turned the tables back onto me and made me the dumpee at the same time. It's an interesting position to be in because I don't know how to proceed moving forward other than to just stick to my guns and keep moving forward to better myself irregardless of whatever she may be thinking or doing. What's clear, and as I learned yesterday, is that we both need time, space, and healing before any contact can be made. She does deserve an apology from me, but whether that's what she ever wants or not...only time will tell. I'm actually doing pretty well today and am looking forward to the weekend. Going to the gym a little bit later on after work and then hanging out with some friends tonight. That's always important. Keep on keepin' on.

Day # 7 To reiterate, I was the dumper. To also reiterate, I was turning into an alcoholic as a poor means of "coping" with my own ex's shortcomings. Last night I found out some terrible news that she has been telling everybody she hates me and she put that on twitter as well as twittering something or another about wanting to go up to [location not disclosed for her privacy] to "get laid". Were these tactics of pure retribution? Or does she really genuinely hate me? I do feel a profound amount of guilt for my own role in the demise of the relationship, but I am proud of myself too for admitting that I had begun to develop a serious problem (alcoholism and insecurity) and that I am currently involved in counseling. This is not at all in an attempt to get her back: it is about self-respect. Despite being the dumper, I never got any closure to the relationship - again, because of the fact that the final time I "broke up with her" was through a drunken text message on my birthday after she didn't even want to meet up with me or wish me a happy birthday. It does take two to tango, but I broke up with her three times because of alcohol and I am now feeling alot of remorse in how badly I hurt her as well as shattered her trust, her faith in me, and even just flatout pissed her off possibly to the point that we may never speak again. I can live with that because I've come to accept my own role and knew that there were problems in the relationship before I started looking at alcohol as a "solution", but I really hate to part ways with someone I loved on such awful, negative, hateful terms. I never raised my voice with her, never called her any names, never said anything spiteful or malicious - but I did break up with her, while drunk, THREE times. That, in and of itself, is almost as bad as all the hurtful nonsense she threw at me and while I do feel to a certain degree like I deserve it, I also don't believe that two wrongs make a right. The important thing for me, as well as her, is that I have removed myself from the relationship so that I can work on fixing myself. It's not about her, its about me, and if we somehow end up talking again someday I would certainly like to be able to offer her the apology that she deserves as well as offering her some kind of closure. I disrespected her, and to whatever degrees she disrespected me, I don't like the fact that I also disrespected myself. Moving on and focusing on me.

We'll go ahead and count this as my Day 7 and "pending" final entry because as of right now, I think I'm going NC for life with this particular person: No more of that for me. Sorry folks. lol

Day 6 1/2 I'm feeling SUPREMELY confident in regards to my decisions, actions, and acceptance of my own role in the breakup. I was the dumper, and without making any excuses for it, I also know what I want: which is to reconcile. Part of that confidence though is respecting her own boundaries and giving her the opportunity to process things and cool off a bit. If she's not interested in reconciling right away...fine. I'll try it again at a later point. If she's flatout not interested in ever reconciling? Then hey...that falls on her and tells me all that I would really need to know anyways.

Day # 6 As the dumper, I'm still a little uncertain as to when to proceed with an attempted reconciliation. Yesterday was hard as the day wore on, but that is in part attributable to the fact that both of my client appointments yesterday had to cancel their meeting with me due to extenuating circumstances. As such, I was stuck with a little bit of downtime that ended up redirecting itself into thoughts of my ex and all of the things that I wanted to tell her. I made it through the day though, resisted the urges to text, call, or email AND....I finally got a good night's sleep! This morning I'm feeling much better than I was yesterday morning: Never underestimate the importance of a good night's sleep - or so those old hotel commercials go. Her final text message to me: "You dumped me...that was not my decision, it was yours. I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone so that I can get over this disappointing situation and move on" is still starkly embedded in my mind and those words do come back to me throughout the day despite me having deleted that text message the same day she sent it. That statement plays the single biggest role in my decision of when I'm going to attempt to reconcile as well as serving as a stark indicator that she may very well have no interest at all in attempt to save the relationship. If that is the case, then so be it. Either way, I feel great this morning and am looking forward to a productive day!

Day #5 Today was the first day since I broke up with my girlfriend that I woke up without feeling pain in the morning. I think part of that is the fact that, as the dumper, I have a more clear understanding of my own role in the relationship as well as what I want to do to attempt to reconcile. I also spent some time in prayer yesterday and have put it in God's hands. I'm pretty strong in my faith, and I know that that is also a big part of the reason why I'm coming to acceptance of the situation. I have my letter drafted out that I want to send to my ex so that is a clear goal that is set in place, which is also contributing to my overall better mood and wellbeing today - even though I slept like sh*t last night. Still, coming to terms with this situation and accepting the possibility that there might not be a reconciliation is a positive step towards recovery in the event that the reconciliation fails. Again, this is just how I feel today and tomorrow, or even later on, could bring something new. I'm also just very, very tired at this point after not sleeping well since the breakup so I'm also a little drained at this point and just can't invest any more emotions into the situation at this time. Looking forward to a nap. haha

I feel your pain Scott. I was in a very similar situation. It sucks. The worst part for me though, is in not knowing what was ACTUALLY going on. She just kept getting more and more distant, less physical intimacy, and all the tell-tale signs that she had either already emotionally checked out of the relationship or had been cheating on me with someone else - the latter being improbable, but not impossible. The only reason I say "improbable" is because she is currently going back to school as well as raising a daughter and taking care of a sick mother who currently lives with her. We had been seeing each other 3-5 times per week so the logistics of actually being able to date another person were rendered nearly impossible. Nevertheless, I still don't rule out the possibility that she had met a guy in class or even on campus that she had at least started "talking to" and was only stringing me along long enough and pissing me off often enough to get me to be the one to pull the trigger and break up with her. Again, I may never know with any certainty...although if the above scenario is accurate, then I am justified in breaking up with her and she can live with whatever guilt or regret she wants to as she only brought it upon herself. Day #3 of NC Well, there was no anger in my emotional makeup today. Yes, I still have thoughts about my ex and still wake up in the morning with the pain of loss as well as again before I go to bed at night. My sleep, as a result, has been suffering a bit but I know that I'm not alone in terms of disrupted/disturbed sleep after a breakup. Most importantly though, I have come to fully accept my own various roles in the demise of the relationship and am actively pursuing "taking care of myself" and rediscovering who *I* truly am. The process of starting to recover my own identity has also started the overall healing process as well as coming to terms with the possibility that there may not be any reconciliation and that the relationship is truly over. Either way, I applaud myself for staying active today and doing what needs to be done to take care of "me". True happiness comes from within.

Great question Big Bear! I'm kind of wondering the same thing since I was the dumper, not the dumpee, and want my ex back. It's a complicated situation but its outlined in full detail in my thread somewhere in this forum. I'm doing pretty well today actually after the initial burst of anger this morning. I initially decided to give my apartment a full "spring cleaning" but the weather was nice enough that I didn't want to spend my time in doors all day where there was the possibility for me to start dwelling on things - plus this is the first rain-free day we've had in a few days, and I'm not putting it to waste! I've reconnected with some of my old friends and spent an hour on the phone today reconnecting with one of my best friends from highschool so all of those little things have turned this into a pretty good day. I'm actually going to hit you up with a private message rather than typing it here in the thread where you might miss it. Hope your day is going well too man.

Thanks Big Bear! To answer your question: I am the dumper, not the dumpee. My "story" is posted in my thread with the title "Hopeless romantic trying to get back together with his ex"...or something along those lines. lol I just woke up and had a tough time sleeping last night, so my bad in advance on that one. Ok, so I'm in Day #2 of NC. Last night (and part of the reason I had trouble sleeping) was because I started to have a few feelings of that "loneliness" that we are all accustomed to in the early stages of a breakup, but it quickly turned into anger. She knew damn well what she was doing and it was like she was purposely trying to piss me off enough to get me to break up with her. She said that she was waiting to hear from ME about whether or not I could "deal with her when she was sick" (again, full story in my thread) but meanwhile it was my F'ken birthday when she would choose to bring this up after having gone two days where neither one of us talked. I got some bullsh*t "Happy Birthday" text message in the morning of my birthday after not having heard from her in two days - devoid of emotion, no exclamation marks, nor any of the other things that typically accompanied her text messages. Then I call her later on in the day after avoiding the text all day and the first words out of her mouth are: "So, have you decided whether or not you still want to be with me?" Are you kidding? On MY birthday - a birthday, no less, where you had initially made plans to take me out and then all I get from you at all that day is a "Happy Birthday" text message and you expect ME to answer your freakin question about whether or not *I've* made a decision on whether or not I still want to be with you?!? Ooo...this got me going good. I was actually going to type up about the sadness/loss feeling that I woke up with this morning, but now this actually feels even better to run with the anger part for a moment. So, yeah, sorry babe but in MY EYES I DID get the impression that YOU wanted to break up. Then you try to make me out to be the bad guy because I sent you a drunk text message that night "breaking up with you". Well hell, all you did was say "Happy Birthday" in a text and you did so while completely sober so you know what? F-YOU and your stupid mindgames trying to flip this around on me and make me out to be the bad guy. Ugh!! I just want to smash something right now. [walks away from the computer for a minute, needs to cool down] Ok. Calming down...not completely cool, calm and collected yet but I'm also done typing out how angry I am/was. Damn that felt good though, and that's the beauty of this thread in my eyes. A part of me woke up this morning wanting to break NC just to give her a piece of my mind, but that would have been completely counterproductive and then I WOULD be the bad guy in this situation. During the breakup and during the NC initiation process, I did not say one single rude, mean, or argumentative thing to her - I let her be the ugly and nasty one. So, when it comes down to it - yeah, I was a jerk for breaking up with you in a drunk text message on my birthday...but you were just as bad for only wishing me an emotionless happy birthday in a text message and then asking me if I had made a decision about our relationship when we talked later on without even bothering to wish me a happy birthday, get me a card, offer to follow through on the plans that you had initially made to take me out...and you were the nasty one. Not me. I can live with that for now. Thanks to this thread and to the good members of this forum. The goal of this thread is to post in it every day, and I have found it to be quite therapeutic actually. Being angry is part of the process, but it also means I still care so I've still got my work cut out for me. I'm going to clean my whole house today from top to bottom.