hourglass
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TELL ME PEOPLE AM I WRONG?
hourglass replied to virgo2311's topic in Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender
Sometimes people fear telling the truth especially if they know the truth will hurt someone. They get paralized with fear and can't get past it. That's probably what was happening with your girlfriend. That doesn't make it right - she should have been open and honest the moment she began to question her feelings. She was probably thinking she was protecting you from pain when in reality now, in hindsight, it prolonged the situation and made it harder. Without knowing the whole situation, it's hard to say, but I doubt you did anything wrong. It's so sad that it usually takes something like this to make people realize how important communication is in relationships. Sorry you have to go through this. Don't have much advice, other than to stay strong. -
Trytotrust, Just a question...to your knowledge, has she ever been in a relationship with a male before? Is this a possibility for her in the first place? I could see being a bit concerned if SHE had done this before, but try not to project your bad experience into this if that's not remotely a possibility. Considering your trust issues, I probably would be feeling a bit insecure in the relationship too. I know all we have to go on is what we've experienced in our past. Explain to her again why you're feeling insecure and ask her to step in your shoes for a moment. If she really respects and loves you she should be able to understand your position and do what's necessary to reassure you there's no reason to feel insecure.
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Going through divoce --this is very long
hourglass replied to The Distant Waterfall's topic in Divorce Advice
Waterfall, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It just reveals your ex-husband's true self, and lack of maturity. You seem to be dealing with it like any normal person would. Be happy you didn't spend one more miserable minute than you had to with him. You are very strong to have been able to get out of it before a lot of time passed. I agree with the other posters. You may NEVER know the real reasons why he changed, and why he decided to leave. At this point and from here on, it really doesn't matter. Focus on moving forward, growing from the experience and building the kind of life you want. Yes, it will take time to finally get over it. But each day will become a little easier. You have no one to answer to but yourself and you have the power to create the kind of life you want and deserve. Good luck. hourglass -
Husband now thinks he does not want to have kids
hourglass replied to kapgap's topic in Relationship Advice
Kapgap, I can empathize with your feeling of wanting children, and sooner, rather than later. I'm mid-30's myself and am only now in a position to begin working on having a baby (and my clock is louder than yours). It is a very important issue to agree upon with your spouse. However, I wonder if your husband has changed his mind due to the other recent troubles you've been having in the relationship. If he's currently thinking the marriage won't work, that may be the very reason he's reconsidering the idea of children. Maybe you can remember being in a similar situation of uncertainty for the future in which you'd rather not be making any life-changing decisions. He may be feeling that bringing a child into the unsettled mix wouldn't be the best choice. I completely understand the priority of wanting children before time escapes. Maybe with a little more work through counseling and opening up to each other you'll discover the real reason he's apprehensive about the idea. Although your ultimatum may seem a bit harsh, I can understand your position. You wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want the same thing out of life as you do. I would think six months of counseling and communication would result in either gaining some of that original love back, OR dare I say, realizing the relationship is irreparable. But PLEASE... stick with it a while. Being 30 isn't the beginning of the end; it's the beginning, at least for you and your husband. There must have been a good reason you both decided to marry. The fact that you both went through pre-marital counseling shows your commitment to each other. It will be hard work, but you CAN work through it if you both want the marriage to work. Once that happens you might find that your husband may turn around and re-think the child issue. Hang in there - there are lots of us who have had relationship troubles, and gotten through them. Good luck. -
You have every right to feel what you're feeling. Marriage takes two people to make it work. Sometimes men just don't get it regarding the emotional and sensual needs of a woman. And that doesn't mean they're bad, it just means they have a different perspective. You're not going to change him, no matter how hard you try. And he's not going to change unless he wants to, and, until he understands why these things are important to you. You've said he has some wonderful qualities. It seems to me you have two choices (not including divorce, because that should be a LAST RESORT). You can either focus on his good qualities and just accept that he's not the romantic emotional man every woman dreams of (which would leave you feeling a bit lacking as you do now), or you can try to work on it WITH him, by continuing seeing a marriage counselor together. If he doesn't want to go then at least go on your own. If nothing else you can learn how to deal with your feelings and with your husband, faults and all. Shop around for a marriage counselor that you BOTH like. Being put on the spot is not a comfortable position to be in. Find a counselor who will not be biased and who is willing to hear both sides. My guess is your husband doesn't know how to communicate well, at least regarding emotions. That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't feel them, or that he doesn't want you in his life. This is my advice: Do whatever it takes to make your marriage work. I've been divorced and wouldn't wish it on anyone.
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InfectedMind, I give you credit for having maturity and thinking it all through. It seems as though your feelings are genuine and your heart is in the right place - why not let her read what you just posted. At least that way she would know where you're coming from and get an understanding of why you're considering ending the relationship. If she is as mature as you say, she might be able to see it from your point of view and understand why you're having conflicted feelings about the relationship. I'm sure you're aware that (I believe) in most states she would not be considered an adult. If you continue the relationship and the sexual aspect leads to intercourse, no matter whether she consented or not, you could be in serious trouble. I can almost guarantee that if her folks found out your real age they'd be furious and would most likely want to prevent her from seeing you (not because you're a bad person, but most likely due to the age difference). In my opinion, 15 is too young for anyone to be in a serious exclusive relationship - heck, I'd go as far as to say 23 is too young. And if you're already thinking now that it's not going to last, that's a pretty good indication that it won't. As difficult as it may seem, I think your gut is already telling you what to do. Let her experience what being a teen is all about. Who knows - maybe in a few years you can hook up again and the relationship might be even better with some added wisdom and life experience in the mix. good luck, hourglass
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Jeffrey, I found this site helpful a few years ago when I was going through a divorce. Although it doesn't have a "separation checklist" it does have a divorce checklist, which might be similar. (Not to take away from this forum, but...) It also has a bulletin board for posting messages about separation and divorce similar to this forum. Good luck, hourglass
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Swingfox, you're an extremely rare exception, in my experience, who has been able to pull themselves out of the abyss without anti-depressants and/or counseling. Three cheers for you! However, in some cases, it's far easier said than done. For some people, there simply is something awry in the brain chemistry which causes people to be depressed. Through no fault of their own, (for lack of a better analogy) they're wiring has a short. It's nothing to be ashamed of. My suggestion (and it has worked wonderfully for me) is to begin with counseling. The first step is realizing that there is a better way to live. Coming to the conclusion that something is wrong is half the battle - so huskot - you're well on the road to overcoming this. Through counseling and perhaps anti-depressants you'll discover the reasons you're feeling this way and begin the process of turning it around so you can begin to feel that life is worth living. It doesn't mean you're a failure. It doesn't mean you're "broken". Everyone needs help once in a while. This life thing is a tough road to plow. But you should take the first step in seeking help before you get too deeply depressed. It 's rotten to feel depressed all the time and you REALLY and truly don't have to feel that way anymore. Granted, it won't change overnight and it'll take work, but all of the sudden you'll discover that you actually have happy moments, then days, then weeks. Find a counselor that you "gel" with. You have choices out there - you can shop around for someone who works well for you. Good luck! hourglass
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And men don't have similar unsavory characteristics?? Grow up.
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Why would you want to jeopardize your marriage by contacting an old flame? Is there something wrong with your marriage that would cause you to do such a thing? What exactly do you mean by "close contact"? Are you already having an affair? If that's the case I would suggest you refrain immediately and take a close look at what it is you want. 20 years is a long time to throw away on something that may not pan out in the long run. I've said it before on this forum and it bears repeating - nothign good can come out of an affair. You haven't given us much info on the marriage and why you're considering this other guy. Maybe that's where you need to begin with yourself.
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I couldn't have said it better Indigowoman. Ivanna, listen to your own words...you said you know he's totally wrong for you. Hello! Huge red flag there! Nothing good can come out of an affair, no matter how deep and sincere your feelings are for the guy. Yes, it's difficult to let go, yes it $ucks, but there are two huge factors going against you in this relationship: the age difference, and the fact that he's ALREADY MARRIED! Age isn't such an issue later in life, however you will find you aren't the same woman you were at 21 even when you reach 25, or 30, or 35. You will grow and change almost exponentially as time goes on - what you want now may not even be close to what you'll want at 30. (Trust me -I speak from experience.) Don't let yourself get caught up in a relationship with a man that's already taken with his own responsibilities. You'll be playing second fiddle in an unfinished symphony, and I have a feeling you deserve better. If that's not reason enough to end it, how about this: Put yourself in his wife's place. How would you feel to find out your husband, the father of your children, is having an affair with a younger woman? Wouldn't you expect the person you marry to be utterly faithful and devoted? good luck, hourglass
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Before you get yourself into a tizzy, you need to find out for certain whether you are pregnant or not. Most over-the-counter pregnancy tests aren't effective until after your first missed period. The earliest detection through an over-the-counter pregnancy test is 6-8 days after conception. This aside, it's all about the timing of your own cycle. If your periods are regular ovulation usually occurs roughly between a week and a half to two weeks after the first day of your last period. Conception won't occur unless the sperm can fertilize the egg. Most sperms die in the cervix within 24-48 hours, but some can survive for several days. Some sperm can also survive in the fallopian tubes for several days. Your best bet is to figure out your cycle and get a home pregnancy test. If it's been at least 6-8 days since you had sex then try a test...but be sure you the test you use has not expired. Just like milk, home pregnancy tests also have expiration dates marked on the box. If you ARE pregnant, I second what Shy Guy said. Don't hide it. Talk to your parents, or at least a trusting adult. You do have options. You're not the first or only person this has happened to. If you're NOT pregnant, let this be a lesson. If you must have sex, (although my opinion is you're too young - why rush??) please, please, PLEASE use protection. Unprotected sex not only leads to pregnancy, but transmission of sexual diseases, some of which are incurable even today, and will stay with you throughout your entire life. Good luck.
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Just a few questions to help get an idea of where you were and where you are now... What made you wait to get married? And why did you marry your husband two years ago? Has something changed between then and now, meaning in the past two years that would make you regret getting married? (other than the old flame coming back into your life now) I guess what I'm getting at is to not lose sight of the reason (if valid in the first place) why you married your husband to begin with. Marriages will ALWAYS have ups and downs, and sure, there will always be more attractive, more appealing people out there that turn your head and make you say "what if...". But look at the big picture. I doubt that having an affair was what you had in mind when you said "I do." And, what will you get out of it after it's over? You'll be sad, hurt, preoccupied, and probably feeling more lonely than before. Take it from someone who knows. No good can come out of infidelity.
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I was in a similar situation a few years ago, only I was the other girl. I had developed an online relationship with a man in another country. We had talked online for about 18 months. Long story short, I got a phone call from his WIFE. I had no idea he was married! The way I see it is, if you had an open honest relationship with your boyfriend, you would have already known about this "friend", if that truly was the crux of the relationship with this girl. There was a reason he never disclosed this relationship to you. If your gut tells you there's something amiss, it's probably right. If you can work it out, great, but I would say there needs to be some ground rules before trust is regained. - Just my opinion - Good luck. hourglass
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Unlucky, I think you've certainly made the right decision in forgetting about this woman. It sounds like she's very immature and needs to do some growing up and learning on her part. It's too bad you got caught in her "relationship experimentation". ...However.... scotsman and lighting have touched on something that, at this point in my life, I have to dispute. There was a time when I would have totally agreed with "once a cheater, always a cheater". And I think there was another post by scots that mentioned asking a potential mate up front if she/he had ever cheated, and if the answer was yes, he'd not pursue it any further. I'll admit there was a brief time in my life in which I cheated in a committed relationship. It was a huge mistake, it was totally out of character for me, and long story short, several years later (and much therapy) I still feel the guilt. BUT, I have learned and grown and matured so much that I know that would never happen again. With much effort, I now have the tools to make a relationship work, and am confident that the events that lead up to my cheating the first (and only) time will not be repeated. I know how to deal with relationship issues now. I'm not at all defending the woman who hurt the initial poster in the least. My point is that people CAN change, CAN learn from their mistakes and CAN improve their lives. It takes work and blood and sweat and tears, but it's possible. Hang in there Unlucky. Not all women are bad.