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Tonk

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  1. Hi thanks for your replies. I Know it doesnt make sense and thats why I am here. One thing I should add the girl is Chinese and I live in Hong Kong. Her boyfriend came back to China from france to be with her and to study Kung fu. The problem is I do believe her otherewise I would have run a while ago. She has only been open and honest with me even when she didnt need to. The culture here is shame based rather than guilt based. She feels honour bound to stay with him and support him to complete his course because he has returned for her. I understand this. I dont think she is playing games but feel the longer the situation remains the more likely doubt will creep into my mind and wether I can live through this doubt. I guess I am not sure sure if 1. To continue as we are which is much more than friends for the next year 2. Try to remain in contact from a distance 3. Have no contact for a year but agree to meet in a year and see what happens
  2. Sounds like a difficult situation to me. It sounds like his problems go beyond just self confidence and he needs to seek professional help if he isnt already. Depression can be a very serious disease and depending on its level may need some form of therapy or even drugs to control. It sounds like he doesnt love himself and so it is difficult for him to love someone else. I have friends that are in relationships like this and they can be put extra pressures on a couple. I dont know if there is support groups for people that are dealing with similar situation, I imagine there must be. I think if you care about him and want your relationship to continue it may be worth seeking such a group as you may need to talk to people in similar situations to really understand and be able to talk. as you will need this extra strength to be with someone who is so depressed.
  3. Hi, I have known this girl for about 3 months and as of the last 3 weeks it has developed into somthing amazing. The problem is she already has a boyfriend. I knew about this and I know the reason she is still with him. Basically the story is he is from another country and has been with her for 3 years they had a 6 month break while he returned to his home then he came back for 2 reasons one for here and one to complete a course which is the real love of his life. She keeps telling him she is leaving him and he says he will return to his home and not complete this course. My view as with all her friends is that he is using emotional blackmail to get what he wants and she shouldnt feel responsable but she does. She feels if he doesnt finish the course he will regret it and she will feel responsible. I know it seems crazy but she was brought up to be like that. It sounds like he is a complete mess he told his parents he is going to marry her without asking her. Anyway we had a few days space as I keep telling her I am not sure what to do for the best to help us have any chance. After the space we just cant stop texting and calling. I met up with her on the weekend determined that nothing was going to happen and we could just spend some time as friends but we ended up doing more and spent the whole weekend together. She showed me around her town and we talked a lot and behaved like we were together. So I left her last night and returned home, I live in another city but work in her city. I came back thinking about the situation. This morning I woke up at 3 am mainly I think because I have working crazy hours of late and my body clock is out of order. I wrote her an email saying I needed to pull away for six months or a year. I didnt send it as I really dont know what to do. She says with her boyfriend they are more like friends and dont sleep together and that her closest friends have told her to leave him. All my friends tell me to think about what is best for me and that I have no idea. I know how incredible it feels when we are together and we are already talking of the future. I think this is partly because of the craziness of the future. I feel if I leave she will leave him and any responsibility may come back on our relationship yet I feel if I go away I need to get over here and move on as it could be a year and feel things cant just slide for a year. If I do this I wonder if I will ever feel the same about her after losing her. If we remain like we are I am worried over the next year how much the situation will affect any possible trust we develop but think maybe if we are strong enough to go through it may mean we are right together which is what I am feeling at the moment. It just seems like every solution doesnt work? She feels I am asking her to make a decision on if to be with me forever which I have tried to explain to her is not the case I just want to know how to give it a chance. Anyway sorry for the long message it just seems very complex.
  4. Tonk

    tightness

    Hi there, Not sure were to begin. I started seeing this girl about 2 months ago and although we have done most things and had great fun sex just doesnt work. It seems like whatever we try it just doesnt work. It sounds really crude but I dont fit inside her. Its a weird as I have been with a fair amount of women and never had any problems although some have made comments but we dont seem to be the right size for each other. We have tried different things lubrication, different positions, extended fourplay for hours which is great, fingering etc but she just doesnt seem to expand the way other women I have been with do, Does anyone have any experience of this or advice as it seems like it is beginning to affect our relationship a little and am worried long term it definitely will. Cheers Tom
  5. Hi Sorry to post again so soon but I am lost. To fill you in with situation i am living with my ex in a share house. She wants to be friends and wants me to stay in the house. She is very depressed and down and i am worried about her but she keeps lying to me. I told her that I have to move out because it will be too complicated when we start dating again. She said there is no way this will happen but she is already seeing someone else. I dont understand why she is lying about it. I want to ask her why. I feel so hurt not because she is seeing someone else but that she would lie to me and also the fact I thought we had something special and now realise it isnt. I dont know what to do. Should I try to talk to her or ignore te situation totally?. I just feel like crying all the time.
  6. Not sure why I cant get my life together and keep making stupid mistakes. I have posted a few messages on this forum before but seem to keep going over the same sort of problems. Not sure why? 1. I had a full on reltionship with a girl which lasted 5 months 2. We split up because she wasnt over her ex. 3. I had to move out of my flat very quickly and moved into her share house. Why you may ask?? All my friends said dont move but it seemed like the best choice at the time even though I was very reluctant. I get on really well with all her flatmates, she wanted me to move in and it was getting me out of a tight spot. The problem is we are friends but she keeps doing things which imply more. I was sleeping in the sun room for a few nights while they sorted out the bedrooms and twice she said I was more than willing to sleep in her room as its cooler has fly screens etc... Also she is doing things like moving my toothbrush into her glass and washing my clothes. She also made a comment the other week which was along the lines that it would be good because we would see if we could live together. Ok this morning something happened, one of the other guys got up early to go to work and I woke up as well and thought I would get an early start at work. I went to the kitchen to make breakfast and noticed her car pulling up. She waited outside the door for a few minutes until I had finished. We didnt speak but there was obvious tension around. I guess she must think I waited as she didnt come home the night before and i think she is probably sleeping with someone else. I went to work and cried for an hour . I guess I felt that we had something special and am now wondering if she just sleeps around with anyone, as a couple of other things happened while we were seeing each other. The problem was our relationship was so intense from the beginning we saw each other every night for those 5 months. I dont want her to think I am some sort of physcotic ex and would like to remain friends. I guess what I am wondering is if I can go through this and stay in the house it may be a positive thing as we may remain friends or more and in the long run may be a good thing. The question is can you get through such feeling when you are reminded of someone. Up until this morning I think it has been good as we I was getting over her much quicker while we are in the same house, which sounds odd. I think maybe if i can get through the short term of pain of seeing her with others maybe it will all be over sooner. Does anyone have any experience of this and if you can get through the pain while still living in the same house? Or does anyone have any other advice as I feel so stupid about these things and I think most of my friends think this also so can no longer talk to them about it. Also I think I should bring it up and talk to her to say that I wasnt spying but I feel this will just make the whole thing worse. She is a great girl but very very mixed up and I dont want to add to this. Please help any advice would be appreciated.
  7. I have been seeing this girl for 5 months pretty much full time (i.e. 3 days apart). She explained she is still getting over an ex. but we got involved anyway. She is having problems getting over the guy and I sort of think she may never so we agreed to be friends as we enjoy each others company playing tennis, running, sharing books etc... The only problem is its not working as friends we fell back into more than friends this weekend (spending all weekend together) but with tension in between because we said we would not go there. I wanted to clear the air on sunday so spoke to her and said i am happy to go on like this as I dont feel I am able to commit but enjoy having a relationship but I didnt want it to be an open one. She decided she cant be there until she is over her ex but has problems pulling away from me (i.e. she still kisses me) We need space but how much? I sort of feel we need complete seperation but would find this hard as I am happy being just friends but would miss her. Its her birthday next week and I really wanted to do something for it but am not sure its a good idea?. I was thinking maybe a pull away after next weekend and have total seperation for a couple of weeks at least does anyone have any thoughts
  8. I was wondering if anyone could advice on the following problem I have been seeing a girl who is still getting over an ex. yes i know people on the forum have said stop but its sort of going ok as we are just very close friends. The problem is she doesnt seem to want to move on and seems willing to waste her life on an impossible past relationship. Facts 1. the guy lives in US she is in Australia 2. the guy keeps telling here that he doesnt want a relationship with her and then starts contacting her and saying they are special friends (i.e. he can fantasize about her and if when they meet up every couple of years he has someon to spend time with etc...) Questions 1. Are there people that actualy waste their whole lifes like this as she seems resigned to? 2. Does anyone feel it can be positive for someone to keep in contact with someone who is such a destructive influence (all her close friends have been telling her to cease contact with him but she doesnt feel that is the way to seek closure). 3. does anyone have any advice on how to help afriend who is doing this to herself?
  9. It interesting its not always spiders, sometimes its people not anyone she knows just someone there or outside the window etc...
  10. Hi not really a problem as such just wondered if anyone had any experience with something similar. My gf tends to wake up in the middle of the night seeing spiders or other things but spiders is the most common. Once I hold her and settle her down she calms down very quickly and goes back to sleep. In a sense it doesnt bother me in that we always feel asleep in each others arms and it makes me feel wonderfully close to her. However just wondering if its something that I should be trying to help with, if it is anxiety etc... She says she has always had it and her ex found it too much and got fed up with killing spiders in the middle of the night, to be quite honest I never bother I just talk to her tell her its not there, hold her and she always seems to calm down very quickly. Any thoughts if I should be killing the spiders etc or trying to look at ways to get her to relax during the day. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.
  11. Hi, IMO we have 2 sides a heart and a mind listen to both. Sometimes we can love someone but it is impossible to be together this can be due to our partner having different feelings or just incompatability. Personally i think you need time and space to work out what you really need and want. Do not ask her to get back together and it may be worth getting some distance you say you are moving to Orlando am assuming this is you not both of you? If so I think this may actually help it is very difficult to keep a long distance relationship going especially if there are already problems. Remember you need to think what you want and need ok you may want her but the last thing you need is to try and get back with her and get rejected you have to rebuild first.
  12. Sore muscles are normal especially if you are not used to a specific exercise, when we exercise over a certain amount the muscles stop using oxygen and build up lactic acid and other chemicals this feels terrible. If the pain is anything other than aching i.e. stabbing or the joints hurt stop!!!. As no pain no gain I think it is a bad expression a good exercise program does not need to hurt but aching is normal. It is a good idea to exercise lightly the next day even though it hurt to try and break down these chemicals. Other things make sure you drink lots of water I read a survey recently which estimated 70 percent of people are dehydrated. There is lots of info on the web about this so maybe worth doing a search. enjoy the workout
  13. Hey Thatboy_e, When I split up with my ex (8 year realtionship) last year, I was very close to all her family I talked to her sisters and mother and father and they tried to be there for me. They were ahuge part of my life and I treated them as my own family. I came to the conclusion it couldnt work (this was for me others are different) as it kept reminding me of the past and these people at the time were my past. They may be in my future at some point but they are no longer in my life in the same way. As for feeling someone will hurt you even more. I really feel for you, you are in a lot of pain and feel rejected. The pain will get less and you will trust again. You do not know the reasons etc of this other guy and your ex she may be feeling lonely and is rebounding but really it is not relevant!!! she is no longer your partner. The only thing that is relevant at the moment is you!!! look after yourself you will pull through and feel better with time. This can vary with different people but I honestly think we can change the time by taking positive actions to heal. All the best Tonk
  14. Sometimes when we first break up we need to shut our exes out of our lifes and thoughts. Of course it hurts to know she is seeing someone else as you care and love her. What you need to try to do is live your life and view your realtionship as the pasts. I know it really hurts but the only way to move on is to get on with your own life. Tell her sister you dont want to know about how she is etc or avoid her sister you are only hurting yourself by going through this. It is irrelevant at this point you have broken up and you need to see this a final thing for the moment. Ok so reflect on where you are and were you want to go. You are obviously feeling hurt and confused so you need to change things so you dont. Look to the future she may have a part in it or may not. There will be someone that is right for you but you need to right for yourself first this only comes from rebuilding. Key points. 1. Health get out there and do some exercise it not only release the tension but keeps you in shape and feeling good 2. Read and use your mind on things which dont involve relationships. 3. Take care of yourself sleep, good diet and doing things you want to. Ok so the tips above may seem basic and a bit silly but IMO they work healing comes from within. Take care
  15. It seems to me you are not communicating at all. Key points 1. We need to accept each others feelings even if we dont understand them. Feelings are not open to debate they are there and we need to respect each others. 2. We need to open and specific in what we say to each other Having said this men are often very bad at speaking about feelings and often wont accept others. i think it is beaten into us at school. He seems to be feeling things from his comment "you dont treat me the way I deserve" without finding out how and why he feels like this it isnt possible to work out a solution. From the info I have it could be he is arrogant and selfish etc but could also be he doesnt think you are respecting his feelings. Try and find out why he feels like this it is important as well as your own feelings. Try and be more specific to him if you dont understand how you are feeling then how can he. If he doesnt \cant accept your feeling there is no easy answer and the relationship is doomed (sorry to be so blunt this is only my opinion). The same applys the other way around. How we approach conversations like this is important but both partners need to be open if they arent you really are fighting an up hill battle. Counsellijng can be very good for this as can reading books on how to relate to each other Best of luck.
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