mechie

Valid observation. I have no intention of any sponsorship and he is clear that his move (if and when it happens) would be completely his responsibility.

Everyone who helped me (above) and anyone else who might read this, I want to share an update. So, I went to my home country on a three-week vacation and spent a majority of this time with this guy. We hung out at his place, and traveled together on two distinct trips (I took 5 days away in the middle visiting family), one involving a hike that kept us out of cell communication range for two days (not exactly by plan). This gave us quite some "us" time. It was hard for me to say goodbye and he felt the same. We've decided to continue this relationship. The good: I think we both really liked the time together. We have a lot in common, so we talked a lot. Sexual chemistry was also decent. The intimacy we felt was also very good. We did different activities, dined out, and overall enjoyed the time. I fell briefly sick for a day (overdose of good food) and he really went over the top taking care of me (it felt genuine not contrived). He had held on to the word the he would not hook-up (more on this below) since the time I raised the issue. Long-distance: He said he wants to re-locate to where I live (US), not just for me because we are still evolving, but for his career growth. That said, if I were to decide to move to my home country, he said he would prioritize being with me instead. We decided it is a work in-progress as much as the "relationship" is a work in-progress. We've given this a year to get a better sense. I plan to go over again during Christmas and he has planned a trip to me in April next year. He said he had planned it as a surprise already after our first trip (made arrangements with friends to arrive at and give me a surprise, asked for vacation at work place) but then had to reveal it for practical reasons. I appreciate this gesture because for me to go from US is financially much more easier than for him to come over. The not-so good: There were definitely several times I thought Instagram and facebook and friends seemed higher priority than me. But, I am maybe a bit old-fashioned and that's the order of the day. I really disconnect from the world when I am in conversation with a person, no matter who it is (friend, mom, the stranger on the train). However, I did feel, in retrospect, that many of the conversations were about him, how I made him feel, etc. I am a bit more romantic in nature so I naturally tend to express my appreciation of whom I with. The reciprocation I got wasn't so much an appreciation of who I am, but an appreciation of how I made him feel. This aspect of how it seems to be about him, is a bit in my head now. We had a direct conversation about sexual exclusivity. He made it clear that he had stopped all dating now and wanted to see how this goes. However, he said he doesn't see sex as necessarily being connected with emotions. To him hook up was a biological need of sorts and nothing to do with love and loyalty and was definitely different from sex with someone he cared for. I told him I don't see it like that. He has asked me to have an open mind with him in case he did do a hook-up or two only until we have put final call on the relationship. And that he would definitely try not to do so. He told me he hasn't exactly fallen in love with me, but strongly likes me (a bit confusing to me, but it is fair since we have been speaking for only 6 months). So thats it. I am optimistic. It feels good. I am going to try to step away from the our differences in thinking about hook-ups. So far it remains controlled, I think he is honest, and that should be all I can expect. I do feel a bit cautious on why my life seems less important/interesting or talked about. One reason could be that I am reserved myself so I don't normally talk about myself, but I would like if he asked or dwelled on things when I gave a lead. More often unless I directly say this, I am just heard but not explored (minimal questions, follow up). He is a professional artist (in addition to his day job) and I am a big fan of the art (not just his) so we naturally end up having deep conversations about art and he comes to me to share about every concert or "aha" moment he has had and wants to hear my take. He doesn't have time for other things (between job and art) so if I force a conversation about something else (geography, science, things I find fascinating) he is just listening and it is a one-way chat. Anyway, thanks for reading. Any word of advice is deeply appreciated. Thanks

Thank you @Tinydance. You summarized the situation very aptly. What you said is the actual issue. He told me that, him being honest to me about his sexual encounters is an indication of his interest in me. Other than that he feels that random sex and relationship (with sex in it) are two different things for him, until there is a commitment. Once there is commitment the other thing should stop. He said he looks forward to chat with me eagerly but can go and have sex without any thought because the latter matter was disconnected from the former for him. I guess, I didn't realize how much it bothered me until it happened a few times, particularly when he said it was amazing. In any case, I am going to meet him in a few weeks. I offered ASAP but previously he had told me that he has a busy work period this next month and family commitments. We have set the date I will meet him and plan to spend about a week together initially. I hope it goes well. Unfortunately, I am the more vulnerable one here but that can't be helped.

Thank you all for the responses, that too so quick. Really appreciate. @SooSad33 Thank you for a clear reality check. Yes, the distance is going to be an issue. I had a chat with him for the first time expressing my discomfort at the idea of his activeness. So far, I felt it was not my place to say anything because no matter what we haven't met. The conversation went decent, at least level headed. He has asked for status quo to not change until we met because he wants to give this a try. Since we never spoke about this (sexual exclusivity) before, he said he didn't restrict himself but was increasingly feeling some guilt which is why he had shared with me information about the hookups in the first place. He said he'll put an end to this but I didn't harp on it too much. I still think it would be unfair of me to ask anything of him. @Wiseman2 Your comment has been helpful for me to start conditioning my heart and mind. I didn't look at it as a lack of desire to be in a relationship because we both started the conversation saying that was our goal, that either of us are looking for relationships. I will think about it more. @Rose Mosse Yours is probably the most critical response. You might be 100% correct that my heart is not catching up. I don't think he is pretending to be someone else but I think I am reading more than I should and assuming he is more invested than he is. So yeah, my heart is leaping ahead and my brain is trying to rein it in. This has been my constant problem--wearing my heart on my sleeve. I am 41 and even after multiple such crashes in the past my heart is yet to learn a lesson. I rarely meet people I like and when I do, I go all in too soon. I am not sure what to do.. perhaps I need some therapy... Overall I will go ahead with meeting. I knew I would. So my rational goal is to think about how to prepare for a likely failure/heartbreak more than how to prevent one.

Hi everyone, I am a 41 yr old gay guy in US and I recently started (4 months) talking online to another guy (32 yr old) in my home country. For starters, I know this is long distance and there are several challenges so please advise me setting aside question if this is a good idea to begin with. We started having a conversation because we have very similar interests that are relatively rare (interests in rare arts of my home country, philosophy, etc). Our conversations became very elaborate and we spend hours each day talking to each other. We have progressed from talking about arts, philosophy to about us, sexual interests, what life could be together, etc. I planned a trip to see him next month and he was proposing a trip another month later in the US. He even speaks of finding a position in the US (which he can) and I told him I can move home as well. He tells me all his friends know that he is "taken" that his friends in the US want to meet me (to see the guy who has "taken" him). I also feel the same way "taken" but I am less vocal about it in a direct way, but show it very much in emotions. I don't say things loosely like I am going to be with you etc., but I really show that I care. I am aware that we have only met on video and not for real so everything is up in the air. He agrees but he says, he is mature enough to feel that this can work if we find a way to fix the distance. We both are trying. He comes the rub for me: Since the beginning despite all this chat he goes on dates with others. At first I didn't care. I am aware we are only talking and not met. Then one day (2 months since we were talking ) he said he is not going to date anyone else. He deactivated his dating profile (and at least on the app I matched on he is deactivated). I know he is trustworthy enough that he is not lying there. I was happy. But he continued to meet guys for hookups. I ignored. One day he came to me and old he feels guilty that he had amazing sex with someone. I told him not to feel guilty, but yes it makes me a bit unhappy. He told me it meant nothing. However he continued. Last evening, he told he had another one of those. He tells me that it means nothing these are just hooks up and that in his mind he is waiting to meet me. He told me he wants to tell me because I am important and that this is something he doesn't want to hide from me. It's been now 4 months of talking every morning and night. Am I wrong in feeling, I should mean something enough to not have incessant hookups? Yes, I know we haven't met. But are emotions so meaningless? Am I too old-fashioned. I am planning to travel and meet him next month. I am convincing myself to not judge until we meet and miss out on what could be awesome. However, it bother me that I don't matter and that this really too risky for me. I am already past the point of liking this guy a lot, so me dropping off today or a month later is going to cause more of less the same pain. But what should I do to prepare for a loss. I don't want to temper off the conversation as it'll be painful for me, and might cause us to drift apart. Advice? Thank you for reading.