DadaJones
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Sometimes you can't right the wrongs...and bizzarrely enough i find sometimes, after looking back from many years of hindsight...I wasn't wrong! Instead of making amends and apologizing to those you've harmed jsut move on and forgive yourself...its not like you murdered someone...be careful about making amends too much cause then you are just a constant guilt ridden victim...and people would rather hang with an offender than a perpetual apologist. The guilt has got to be your focus or rather your dealing with it.
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Your definitley on the right path...once you accept yourself alittle more you'll find others will be more accepting of you...also my friends are more or less freaks...thats just who will understand me.
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Well i skimmed thru some of your old threads and you've definitley had some trauma and have some issues that are going to be a life long struggle to some extent. I'd say the biggest emotion killer for you is guilt. I can kind of relate...I can get alittle crazy myself and l've lost friends along the way...but friendships die sometimes, and people who act out always have a chance at charisma depending on how you act out...
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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...you suffered a psychological trauma of some form at some point and never got treatment for it.
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Being an artist and inner turmoil go hand in hand...some would say you can't be an artist without it...i was just commenting on it as prose cause thats the section its in...sounds like you got some form of PTSD...good luck.
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Be careful about too much ambiguity, don't be afraid to just show whats going on...but you certainly captured the intensity of it...welcome back from it.
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Its not a bad start...the metaphors and franctic rythym of it kind of captures it...I would like more specific details...if you stay too general for too long then it gets a little exhausting...i'm not saying you need to explain why the narrator has anxiety, that is irrelvevant as the writing is about the anxiety...but a little room where? In Ohio? I need more immediate specific details about the character, you mention the past but instead of telling me the past how about showing me the past with details...the drama is just too generl to sustain it to the end...there is something to work with there though.
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Thanks alot...I'm going to take a closer look at your poem when i get alittle more time.
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Haiku for my ex
DadaJones replied to AskMeLater's topic in Poetry, Prose, Art & Photography's Topics
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so the otha day i caught my gf cheetin wit an enjambment and she got pized an toldd me she neva simileed me anywayy and ten i had my poetic license suspended cuz my ex left 3 stanzas of plagerized haikus in the ash treyy of my imagery anybudy hava simialr prblm plse hlp the metaphor
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What separates poetry from song lyrics are details. People mistakenly think that when you stay general, more people will be able to relate to it...but that is incorrect...specific details grab interest and let the reader get to know the voice in the poem on a more personal level... Does she have a name? What color is the light? Where is she? Your metaphors are weakend by phrases like "its as if" and "it was as though"...just let the soul be stolen, the mind broken...and you can get more specific with the metaphors too...what does a broken mind look like? Like i said, the words sound pleasurable and you have a sort of elegant way of wrapping them which is no small thing, but if you want me to savor it i need specifics...
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Your good at euphonic usage of words, but more specific details please...
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How about " Closing the A-B Rhyme Scheme", this way you make it alittle ironic too.
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Paradise. (pOeM)
DadaJones replied to Disturbed's topic in Poetry, Prose, Art & Photography's Topics
The imagery is nice...got alittle surprise at the end with the death lines...the cadence is kind of haunting cause it reads like a matter of fact list so it goes with the poem. Not bad at all. Try showing not telling sometimes though...instead of telling me a place far away...just give me a specific place thats far away...don't be afraid to get specific or else they read more like song lyrics.