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Shy_Guy

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  • Birthday 03/19/1965

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  1. There's two separate issues here that need dealt with. 1) Your self-esteem. If your seeking to improve yourself as a means of trying to lure him back, I'd say this is a mistake, plain and simple. I applaud you for being motivated to better yourself, but it should be to make YOU feel better about yourself, not just as a means to seek approval from others. 2) Your 'boyfriend'. Do you really want to be involved in someone who treats you like dirt? Seriously, while this is another self-esteem issue, this relationship doesn't sound like it could be truly healthy for you. You don't need his type of poison. You deserve and should demand only a supportive, mutually caring relationship, what that's built on respect on both sides. He doesn't respect you, and the best way to 'smite' him would be to hold your head high, realize that you're worth more than what he's offering, and don't look back, look forward. You deserve nothing less. Good luck to you.
  2. I think it's an obvious sign of that maturation process you mentioned that leads you to wanting to know what his 'intentions' are. I think absolutely you should ask him. It sounds as though you are wanting a serious, lasting relationship. You're ready to go forward with your life, and if he's at all serious about it (the relationship), he should be able to give you an unequivocal answer one way or another. Is he tied down with a serious career or other limitations that would prevent him from making the move with you to DC? Sounds as though you need to just have a low-key, but serious conversation. You're future is elsewhere, you'd like him to share it with you, can he commit to you? It's that simple. The only thing I'd say NOT to do would be to corner him or try to force an answer from him. Good luck and I wish you all the best.
  3. What an immense responsibility that was placed on your shoulders at such an early age. I can almost hear the weariness in your words even though you are now no longer carrying these burdens. It's hard to 'stop and smell the roses' after having been so used to being the one carrying the load. It seems to me that you're asking several different questions, but the one that you HAVEN'T asked is the one I'll answer first. Yes, it's okay to give yourself permission to enjoy the other side of life, the one that doesn't involve requirements, responsibilities, and always putting someone elses needs ahead of your own. As far as the questions you have asked, if I'm understanding you correctly, you're looking for a trusting platonic friendship with a guy so as to be able to ask questions that you don't have the answers to, due to fear of embarrassment. For starters, you've found a great resource here at Enotalone. For someone in the REAL world, are there any male friend co-workers with whom you've formed a bond with? I know from my own experience that these trusting friendships can be found. All men aren't necessarily just after one thing!! One other thing, not all of us (men and women alike) are as experienced as we appear to be. It's as much (or more) a case of simply getting up the nerve to get what you want out of life. Take it a step or two at a time, and just try to live in the moment, rather than worrying about what you might be doing wrong. That's how we ALL learn. It's just that you're learning later than some. Enjoy the journey!
  4. If I were in your position, I wouldn't waste the time or energy to give this guy the time of day. To what end could there be anything circumstance where you would ever feel as though you could trust him? Eyes forward, and look towards the future, and future happiness, rather than putting yourself into a situation where where you could never really be happy. Good luck.
  5. First of all, I realize that as was mentioned previously, when you're still in school, your peers DO focus on the shallow things such as looks. Don't let this be the reason not to pusue him. EVERYONE is unique and beautiful in some special way, and I'm SURE you are too. Just by posing the question, you show ALL of us the beauty of your character and soul. Unless he's just a total @ss, then perhaps he DOES have some type of interest in you. The main questions you need to ask yourself are: 1) Is his flirtation genuine, or is it just a game he's playing? Is he 'real' or is he just a player. If it's the latter, he doesn't deserve you in the first place. 2) Are you willing to put aside your fear of embarrassment and potential rejection to pursue what (who) it is you REALLY want? Which is the better path for you to choose, knowing for sure, one way or another if he's interested in you, or sitting and waiting for him to send a clear signal, or possibly not, and live out the rest of your life, wondering what could have been. Personally, in my experience, there is no REAL reward without SOME element of risk, if even only of being embarrassment, but the choice is yours. I do wish you the best of luck, whichever path you choose!
  6. First and most importantly, you need to live your life for YOURSELF, not just smply as a tool for others to impose their will upon. Dear Abby said many many times, you'll be a doormat for only as long as you ALLOW yourself to be. Regarding the love of your life, while I generally don't believe in trying to break others up solely for your own benefit, in this instance, I believe once again you need to follow your own heart, and not just simply let go just to avoid a fight, if there is any REASONABLE chance they feel the same way. After all, are you trying to spare your 'friend'? For what? They obviously don't have any consideration for you anyway. More than anything, you need to move forward and be your own person, take control of your own life, and surround yourself with people who give as much as they receive, and are cognizant of your feelings. Good luck!
  7. Once bitten, twice shy. Since you've known her two days short of forever, is she the type to play mind games? Does she look for patsies and admirers, or is she more genuine? Let your consious be your guide. Ask her out. If she turns you down, she isn't worth your time in the first place.
  8. Can you two have a heartfelt discussion about this? It certainly seems in order. Your anger is justified to a good degree, as long as you use it as a constructive motivation to search (together with him) for a solution. It could be that he feels as though HE's being ignored (not necessarily implying this is entirely justified on his behalf). More than anything, it just sounds as though you're just....out of sync.... Don't let it become a wedge between you. Try to talk it over with him, but remember, you have every right to expect to be treated in a polite and civil manner. If he can't give this to you, you deserve better. Hope this helps!
  9. One of the most diffucult aspects of growing up is when you and the one you love grow in two different directions. Going away to university has opened up a whole new world to you, and has given you a very different view on life. The changes may have been so gradual that you may not have even noticed, but certainly you (and she) are no longer the same two people as you were a few years ago. While I do believe it IS possible to successfully rekindle what you once had, to do so will require on BOTH your parts that you're not quite the same, and your relationship isn't quite the same as it once was, and that you'll need to work extra hard to explore, win each other over, and move forward. There's an old old saying 'You can never go home again'. What I think is really meant by that is that because both you and she are no longer the same people (by experiences if nothing else) as you once were, it's impossible to resume the relationship as the relationship once was. You can build something new and beautiful and enduring together, but you need to stop lamenting about the past, and start over again. You need to do the hard work. It's worth it in the end, but a difficult road to navigate. Good Luck.
  10. Well, not being in the public eye, it's hard to fathom the pulls and demands on our lives that those who DO have image considerations have to deal with. I couldn't imagine being expected to 'not go out in public' just due to image or gossip concerns. I guess the simple questions are: Can you deal with this kind of drama? Can you deal with the need to make the quality of your relationship secondary to that of his career? It'll take either some REAL soul-searching and sublimation of your personality or your erstwhile boyfriends suddenly growing a backbone to make this work. I don't envy your choices, although his actions will speak louder than any statements as to his real feelings about you and your relationship. Good Luck.
  11. Simple - Relax, be gentle, breath through your nose, and enjoy. Don't be afraid to toy, but not to the point of distraction. I can still remember my first french kiss (more than twenty years ago). I felt like I was in a wonderful whirlwind, spinning slowly and weightlessly. It made my knees buckle. I can still picture her face...all these years later. Enjoy
  12. You pose a very complex set of issues, and hopefully we can bring some type of clarity to the situation. I'm heartened by the fact that you are asking the good question 'What do I do to fix things?'. While I don't know the dynamics of your everyday life, it appears as though the principal culprits here are: a lack of true communication; feelings of betrayal; and lack of understanding of each others feelings. Hang on, this will be a VERY long response. Porn - By and large this is the singlemost significant wedge between you two. Without passing judgement on it one way or another, he probably views it as a harmless distraction, while to you, it reaches the level of being a serious, debilatating breach of trust and commitment. Plainly the two different views are at far opposite ends of the spectrum, which leave little room for discussion or a meeting of the minds. This is causing a snowball effect that causes the rift between you two to continually widen. I sense his distance is caused by what he PERCEIVES to be a lack of understanding on your part. He's gone beyond the point of understanding how destructive the porn has become,in your eyes, and perversely he is probably now finding it as a place of refuge. From your view, there are obvious trust and commitment issues here. Even though you are questioning and lamenting the lack of regular intimacy, I'm sure you're also less than motivated to BE intimate. Feeling betrayed and as though you're in competition with these caricatures of femininity is a poor way to set the stage for any physical expressions of love. I won't even begin to get into the issues of self-esteem, and self-image in light of your being pregnant, which undoubtably compound the problem. This lack of motivation just drives him further away. I'm NOT saying YOU or your actions are driving this at ALL. It's become this living, breathing, self-fulfilling, vicious cycle. Communication has probably greatly diminished between you two. The motivation to do something nice for each other, just out of love, has probably disappeared. Even when either of you two DO do something nice for one another, it's probably viewed with suspicion. This suspicion in turn leads to a feeling of being unappreciated whenever you do a nice thing for each other. The cycle continues on and on and on. How do you get out this cycle? Well, without professional intervention, it could be a very difficult problem to erradicate. Without oversimplifying, he needs to refocus the energy he pours into the porn back to YOU. The professional intervention comes in as being a way to facilitate communication between you two. For his part: to REALLY understand how destructive his habit has become, and for you: to understand that it was never a competition, or intended as a betrayal. For both of you: you both need to renew your focus on EACH OTHER, and making each other happy. It could be a very long road to repair the damage that has been done to both of you, but the rewards ARE worth it, if you have the wherewithal to stay the course. Good luck to you both, and your upcoming blessing.
  13. I think you need to focus on two things: 1) Where do you want to be? With your girlfriend, or with someone else? 2) What behaviors have you exhibited, that justifyable or not, got you to where you are now, and are these behaviors REALLY acceptable when trying to maintain a close, monogamous relationship? If you want to be with your girlfriend, the behaviors go hand in hand with why you're no longer with her. If this is where you want to be, you need to make her the ONLY one. I'm not saying you're being unfaithful per se, but even just by giving ATTENTION to others, you're cheating her out of what should be hers and hers alone. This won't change unless you do. I'm not sure of your ages, but it sounds as though you need to put the toys of youth away, and realize that your actions, whether innocent or not, have a profound affect on how your ex-girlfriend perceives your level of commitment to her. It's one thing to be....friendly...but it's another when it's an issue that has come between you and your girlfriend, and you do nothing to fix it. Good Luck!
  14. Assuming you are on the level regarding your post, I would say that while most fetishistic behavior is acceptable, within limits, I think your wife has gone...beyond...accepted norms. It's all well and good to have the wherewithall and positive self-image to be unafraid to even consider such behavior, but in this particular instance, I believe she's gone past this into the realm of being obsessive, even reckless. Perhaps I'm reading too much into your statements, but it sounds as though this is a behavior that she engages in on a daily basis, as though her 'public' life revolves around this activity. If this is the case, I won't go as far as suggesting she needs professional help, but rather just to remember that as with most things in life, moderation is the key. As to you, if you aren't afraid of being arrested and conduct yourself in a place where there is no possibility of children witnessing your.....fun.....then why not, so long as it doesn't become the parmount ritual or need in your life. Good luck, and send us some pictures (just kidding!)
  15. Seven years is indeed a long time, by todays standards, although I don't think duration is necessarily the sole yardstick by which to judge a successful relationship. I've known people that were together for only a period of weeks, but two decades later will still look back upon that brief span of time as the highpoint of their lives. What I'm trying to get at here is that it appears as though you've both become what I would call 'an observer in your own relationship'. You BOTH need to take a more.......involved, aggressive, meaningful stake in your relationship. You both need to work together to take control of where this life together leads you, rather than just sitting back and letting time, and circumstance dictate the ebbs and flows of your time together. Don't sit on the sidelines and watch time go by, make the clock slow down by LIVING your life, together. If you both can make the kind of effort needed to make this a reality, then I'd say you have a good chance for having a mutually satisfying, happy relationship. If either he OR you are either unwilling or unable to make this sort of commitment to each other, you're doomed to either 1) failure and you split up, or 2) unhappiness, by staying together, with the relationship continuing soley on enertia.... Hope everything works out for the best, for you, and especially for your child. Good luck
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