Down-In-A-Hole

It's really great to hear this from someone who has been affected by this on both sides of the coin. Thanks for taking the time to write that out; it really helps and makes me feel better about my decision.

You sound like you want a stable, committed, and exclusive relationship. This girl has displayed to you that she will not deliver on that front. Frankly, I wouldn't hang around any longer in that relationship unless you can decide that it's cool for her to have sex on the side (and, isn't it just a matter of time before she thinks it's okay to do it with a male? After all, she already did it with a female behind your back).

Thank you both for the input. It really helps. AwdreeHpburn I'm really glad you asked why I missed her. I think I miss the normal relationship benefits (cuddling up watching a movie, going out to eat, kissing, etc.) more than I do HER. Of course, she is very attractive and she has some cute idiosyncrasies that I "fell in love with." Alas, I guess every relationship has good qualities about it as it wouldn't have gotten past the first date, otherwise. Good question (and a helpful one).

I have initiated a break with my girlfriend of three months mainly due to our lifestyle differences. I need some perspective on my feelings to try and find out if these issues should be considered a deal-breaker or not. Her Lifestyle She is 28 years old, successful pharmaceutical sales rep, makes really good money, and owns a house. Her job requires her to be extremely social and attend a lot of swanky social functions. She is always on the move and anytime we establish some kind of normal relationship routine at home, she is off to a week long seminar in Florida where her days consist of meetings and her nights take place on a beach taking tequila shots with her coworkers and jumping into pools with her dress still on (I guess that's better than going totally nude!). That leaves me with nightly drunk calls from her where she explains the night's shenanigans and how fun it all is (and evidently leaving any concern for how my week has been at the back door). When she is not on a business trip, she is usually really busy with doing paper work at home. She drinks wine on a frequent basis to calm her nerves and has to take sleeping pills to fall asleep. We both have a great time when we are together, however, and we do have many similar personality traits outside of her professional career and lifestyle. My Lifestyle I am 25 with a decent paying (low compared to what she makes), 40 hour a week job that requires very little of my time outside of the office. I live in 2-bedroom, 2-bath loft with a roommate who has been a good friend of mine since high-school. I enjoy the simple things in life and I am considered heavily introverted. I am very content with what I have at any given time and I am not driven by the accumalation of wealth and material possessions. I like the simplicity of my life right now and all the freetime it allows me to pursue my passions (i.e. reading, learning, seeking new music, watching movies). I would also love the freetime this lifestyle would allow me to spend with a wife and family when that time comes around. I follow a lifestyle schedule that rarely alters from week to week and I generally sleep really well at night and hardly ever drink. The Conflict (if you didn't already deduce from the facts above) It's the typical quiet artistic type with the typical busy successful career-oriented type. In this case, both are smart and successful in their own respective ways, but the lifestyle that the two lead don't seem to mesh well. Wait, let me rephrase that: the lifestyle that she leads does not mesh well with me while the lifestyle that I lead is great for her. She has mentioned to me that I am her "constant" in her busy life and I can only assume that I give her a decent amount of emotionaly security. I can live with this conflict now, but we have both mentioned marriage and kids in the future as something we both want and I find picturing this type of commitment to her harder and harder as time goes on. The relationship has started to feel like a road with a dead end in the not-so-distant-future. It simply sprung from the question I asked myself recently: "can I really see myself starting a family with this girl and being happy?" You see, despite how well we get along when we do have our time together, I can't say "yes" to that question because of her lifestyle. I'm trying to be realistic and avoid wasting both of our time in a relationship that does not have a future. She has made it clear (and understandably so) that she wants to continue working in her field and moving up the ladder despite the increase costs on her time. This is a respectable decision and I can only wish her the best, but I'm not sure if that is what I want in my life. Am I making a bad decision? I really miss her and I am hurting really bad emotionally, but I'm currently standing fast in my decision based on the above facts. Any advice?

Since when has attraction been a logical thing? One of the great human follies is that we are attracted to other human beings without any regard to reason (oftentimes leading to emotionally devastating relationships). At the same time, however, if we all started logically caclulating our relationships we would lose all the heated passion that makes romantic relationships so powerful.

The point I was trying to illustrate by asking that question was that even if all those "average" commodities were actually "perfect" commodities, your poem would still have a depressing message behind it. Whether or not your PC has USB support or not is not the heart of the issue, it's the monotony of daily grind you're pointing out. The word "average" is your personal artistic choice that adds greatly to the mundane nature of the message; that word carries a lot more weight with this subject matter and I think it works great. I agree with you that the poetry here is really expressive. But that does not make good poetry. Just as in any artform, there are tools used to express the specific message. In poetry, those tools are language, words, structure, style, rhyme and rhythm. To have a great poem would mean a deep understanding of these tools. And I think you misunderstood me. I never claimed to have a problem with "gloomy" poetry.

Good job. I like the ironic mood you set by presenting a very depressing subject matter through a simple and relaxed prose. The daily grind in our Westernized world is serious problem that robs many people of an authentic life. I have one question: if you replaced "average" with "perfect" would you still find the life you described depressing? I certainly would. Anyway, I generally find the majority of poetry on this board pretty horrid, but I do like this one.

I concur. Stripped away to its barest form, every action is motivated from a selfish desire to experience some sort of pleasure. Transcendence from one's subjectivity is not possible and thereforeeee prohibits any sort of pure altruism. In the end, there are simply people who derive pleasure from helping others.

The article is quoted as saying that singles have better sex. So, no, staying single does not mean staying celibate in this particular thread.

Ah, but why share when you can have it all to yourself?

I did not mention my lack of experience or my anxiety. Whether or not she could tell I was filled with terror is a different matter. I will say that she was very happy about the kiss and wanted more. I don't want to stray into proper kissing techniques as there are plenty of resources you can use for that. When your time comes, however, I would definitely recommend watching a lot of kissing scenes in movies (as shallow as that sounds) and reading as much as you can about the various techniques. I was surprised at how easy it was once it happened. To be honest, I believe that it would have been the same for me at 27. Number one: your animal instincts will either guide you or they won't, no matter what age you are. Number two: you might have the advantage of being without experience at 27. At 21, that was not cool or charming to the girls. They all wanted to be with older men who had a lot of experience and would "show them the world." At 27, the girls in your age range will be a bit more mature and realistic. In fact, I'd argue that a lot of them would find your inexperience charming. Play it up in a "cute" manner without showing your fear, and you might be surprised at the attention you'll receive; wear your inexperience with pride. I stand corrected. I understand your dissillusionment with the female profiles that are littered on those sites (I'm sure it's the same for the herd of males too). I've quit internet dating for those very reasons. In fact, it got me so disgusted with humanity that I am slowly becoming a misanthropic hermit. I've been single for almost a year after three years of steady dating; I've never been happier. The world can keep its "love" for "White-water rafting," "Rock-Climbing every weekend" and "The Davinci Code" - I'd rather keep my sanity.

Synthese, Great post. I understand where you're coming from and I have a similar background: I come from a very hardened family that was not very "touchy-feely" and throughout my teenage years I was seen as the friendly guy who liked his space. Consequently, I was the guy who never gave or received those friendly hugs that were frequently exchanged between the opposite genders in the High School hallways. I didn't mind, of course, as I always percieved such physical formalities awkward and unsatisfying. I still do. My first sexual relationship occurred when I was 21. I had zero experience at the time. Just thinking of kissing this girl drove me crazy with a terror-laden anxiety. However, like Hosswhispra sagaciously mentioned, your natural animal instincts will take over in your time of need. Several years later and a few more relationships down the road, I am still percieved as a cold and physically distant human being by women. The only women who don't view me this way are the one's I have formely dated. In other words, only in a relationship am I able to be physical with any degree of comfortableness. Otherwise, I'm incapable of any genuine physicality. Now, as far as internet dating goes, I'll let you in on a piece of knowledge that I gained from conducting a minor experiment that presented me with a couple of long-term relationships from a dating site: most women don't want to read a scientific dissertation on yourself. Unfortunately, if you're cold and clinical in your profile, they're going to assume you're cold and clinical in your relationships. Try adding a degree of spontaneity and passion to the description of yourself. Also, play up any social aspect of yourself; the quality of reclusion does not favor well in this society. For instance, you'll notice that almost all of the women's profiles list that they "love people" or "love life and all that it has to offer" or any other similar nauseating blithe and cheerful declaration. If you tell people you're an introvert, you're going to have a hard time sparking any interest in this world of extroversion. Secondly, know that you don't have to list everything about yourself. For instance, I'm an athiest too, and when I listed this in my profile I had very little luck in getting any responses . However, when I simply omitted this fact from my profile, I started to receive a lot more responses. Of course, it'll be your duty not to mislead anyone once you've made contact. But, as far as dating sites go, half the battle is just getting "your foot in the door." After that, if there's a true connection, the athiesm might turn out to be a non-issue. It's amazing how much a person will overlook in the name of love, for better or for worse. This goes for athiesm, or any other fact that might be seen as negative in our society.

Gath, From what I've gathered from reading your posts, you're very content with yourself and comfortable inside of your own skin. Take a minute to browse this forum and you'll witness a countless number of posters who are depressed and looking for answers to their own unhappiness. You are certainly a rarity on these boards. With that, it seems your confusion is stemming from an outside source (your girlfriend). Also, it should be noted that today's society often puts pressures on males to "get in touch with their softer side." This has been referred to as the "feminization of America" and, unfortunately, is adopted by the majority of our society. Since you appear to be currently happy with yourself and are only desiring a change because of outside pressures, I would advise you to look carefully at your determination to get in touch with your more sensitive side. Trust me, being shallow does not correlate with being unemotional. Again, look at the boards and you'll witness countless shallow people riding the edges of emotional breakdowns. In other words, you can still be deep with an "Iron Heart." As far as your relationships go, maybe you should look for women who are more understanding of your nature.

I would disagree. How does one expect to have a successful relationship of any sort without a firm knowledge of self beforehand? Isn't the favorite motto in verious self-help books claim that "you must love yourself before you can love another?"

I think it would cut back on marriages.