sweetharmony

haven't posted in a while here, but I'm on day 45ish of NC/LC. doing much better, though he still wants to be in my life, as a friend. he continues to contact me... not sure what his motivation is...but i reply sometimes out of courtesy. I am not spiteful or mean to him and I am aware he's not trying to get back... the hope still exists, but every day gets easier. i've had enough rel'ps thankfully to know that I will find love once again... mac4ever, i enjoy reading your posts. keep posting away, you def. came a long way since i first saw your posts on here. sorry, but sometimes i also get a good laugh-but not in an offending way at all!

yes, i agree with Dil. I, too have had sucidial feelings, though never really posted in this forum about it too much. But i have read some of the discussions and I really think it's best to refrain from telling these people they're selfish. no one can understand the intense emotional, psychic pain that person is experiencing until they've walked in their shoes. telling a suicidal person to think about these other people rather seems futile for a person who doesn't really have support or close friends, or may have family members who are abusive to them. these individuals may feel that the pain is just too unbearable and wish that others could just understand them wanting to end it. for these people, they see no other way to end the pain and to live it daily seems futile. instead, maybe talking about their own pain is a better approach. and please don't take this as i am not standing on an ivory tower giving my expert advice, because far be it for me to say my advice is better than others.

Hi Ottersmom, I would say that since he's been apologizing for three months, you should contact him. I can imagine how difficult it is for both of you...i can see his point of view, esp. since he was in a 29 yr marraige. He still has a lot of risidual feelings left over. I would take it slow...don't jump right back into the relationship, but keep the lines of communication open so that when he has healed from his divorce, and you from the relationship, the two of you can start anew. But the ? is, is he ready to start again yet? take it slow...and see what happens. it sounds like he really wants to be with you and is making an effort. I don't think that every ex needs to PROVE themselves to try again. That's a lot for one person to promise...esp. if there were issues that prevented the relationship from both sides. he truly cares. good luck and keep us posted!

Hi Ottersmom, i know how you feel! I feel like my ex also forced me to break-up whcih makes NC more confusing since I formally did the breaking up-though was almost imminent. He continues to e-mail me, telling me to be careful of the ice snow, etc... and it's really difficult. anyways, every day is hard. I'm on day 33 and it's so hard. some days good some days more difficult. I feel as though he might have been trying to test waters by sending me sweet e-mails, but since i don't really respond, he's giving up now. I am deluding myself. he is a nice guy and wants to be my friend, nothing more. Oh, i have to think about the positives... i started the process to apply to grad school, motivated me to start making friends by joining political campaign group 08, and other meetups/organizations, finally getting my apartment and new furniture of my own...and a life of my own instead of revolving around his. i guess this is what needs to happen and it's all in perspective now. i actually feel better than when i was in the relationship...so dependent and needy. i feel like i'm getting a lot more done...

It's been a month of LC (basically none) except him e-mailing me and me e-mailing him occasionally regarding the apt. i'm living in (he owns it). he e-mails every few days, more so recently. and expects me to answer! it's so hard. the past few days have been ok. going out tonight with friends, looking for an apt. (to finally be released from the relationship), and focusing on my job, future, and finally applying to graduate school. it's hard, but getting easier. i wish he would stop e-mailing things like, "Please be careful when driving home today, because the roads are icy". or "have a good time at the concert" (a concert i bought tickets for him and i before we broke up). he forwards articles about politics, global warming, things we shared and cared about when together. i guess i gave him the impression it was ok to do this, since i've been very polite in returning his emails (though short and sweet) and because i had sent him a nice, goodbye closure letter (which i do not regret) since my actions and attitude contributed a great deal to the demise of our relationship. It's too confusing, i know he really cares for me, and wants to be my friend, etc...but it's just hard! i know he will e-mail me again, "why didn't you return my e-mail?" since i didn't repsond. not sure how to handle. we've both been civil about this. but i don't know how to just cut him off completely, until i'm out of the apt. in two weeks.

scrambled eggs, great for you! this forum has been so positive and upbeat, and a great place to root each for each other. SuperDave thanks for all your support for these people.

Rosie007, that is amazing for you! Leep it up and I think we are all so happy that you made it 30 days! It's difficult, but we're all rooting for you. I wish I could go through all the old posts, to see how everyone is faring, but so many new ones come in so quickly, it's hard to keep up with everyone.

bear, i know it's hard. sometimes i feel the same way. some days are positive, others are negative. memories that i cannot erase reappear without warning. It seems that the days get more difficult rather than easier...but it ebbs and flows...and eventually the feelings dissipate. NC is a tool to help make the healing easier and less bumpy. trust me. i'm an emotional rollercoaster. each time he e-mails, I wonder..what does this mean? it makes the rollercoaster worse. moving on...speeds up progress. my ex of 4 1/2 yrs....i remember many years ago. we broke up after a year and a half. we broke up two weeks before v-day. i contacted him on v-day (pathetic) b/c i was lonely. he did not want want to discuss. i never thought he would ever contact me...he was the stuboorn type, polite guy who would do the right thing, honest, etc... 4 months later, I met another guy, began dating again, moved on, graduated from college, went away to Arizona for a grad. vacation...and truly things were getting easier. when I came back to theairport...guess who was there to pick me up! we moved slowly and just became friends but then it turned into about 3 more years for us...but the problems were still there and in the end it didn't work out... if a person truly loves you, they will contact and really make an effort no matter what. but you should not even think about going back so quickly with a guy who didn't want you. i keep telling myself this. right now, the pathetic e-mails to see how i'm doing...it's not enough. just because he misses me b/c he's lonely, it's not what i want anymore. don't you want more??? i surely would not take my ex back so quickly even if he wanted. today, i'm feeling positive, who knows about tomorrow.

okay, I'm starting NC today. I caved in this morning. We've been broken up for one month now. I don't ever contact or call him first, but he will e-mail me and occasionally I reply. Before we broke up, i purchased tickets for us to attend Josh groban. The concert was Monday, and he e-mailed twice, "i hope you have a great time at the concert" (once on Friday and again on Monday) i know he wanted me to think about him again... i didn't reply either time, but he e-mailed again today to ask about something about the apt. and to mention that i didn't reply to his last e-mails. (i'm living in his apt-he doesn't live there). so, i e-mailed back very politely, short and simple. i will be moving out of the apt in two weeks (thankfully this will make life and healing easier). i will e-mail him one more time (i know!! but i have to let him know I'm gone from the apartment and where his keys are, etc... we have to be civil for this sake. but that is the only time i will e-mail him!

no, the point is that we discussed our relationship over and over again. He told me that he did not see us getting amrried though he cares for me so deeply. You see I tried to constantly sabatoge the relationship and became dramatic and overly emotional. I never not wanted him, I always wanted to be with him...it wasn't a qeustion of deep caring or passion or friendship, it was a question of practicality. He always told me, love is just not enough. we have all the seeming basis for a great relationship-the passion never died b/w either of us, the respect, or friendship, love...it was our incompatibility-he worked too much, i was too needy and emotional, he wants calmness, i was too living in the past and future, he was focused on now. we tried to make it work to no avail. but our friendship and deep caring doesn't end on either side. what do we do?

I broke up with my ex on Feb. 16th (he was unsure whether or not he saw me long-term). Anyways, we both moved too quickly and didn't evalaute the relationship practically in addition to my relationship sabotaging behavior that pushed him away. But we seriously have a deep connection and friendship, passion. The passion was there (though only 6 mos), the friendship and caring is there, etc...and he truly wants to continue having me in his life. When we broke up, I asked him to leave and hadn't contacted him since. He had to e-mail (b/c i am still renting his apt-he lives elsewhere) and we needed to make arrangments. I know he had been in so much pain when the relationship ended as he had indicated in an e-mail to me requesting friendship. I replied that it was not a good idea, but kepy it rather civil. anyways, since a majority of the issues were mine, sabatgoing, I sent him a closure letter (yes, i know people say not to), but it was simply that, to end things peacefully. He wrote me back a letter with similar feelings and when i didn't respond to that letter, he asked why i hadn't responded. I told him that my closure letter was simply that and that I didn't want to continue discussing this and to end it ona friendly note. he continues to send me e-mails asking me if i need help with my computer, sends me articles of interest, etc... and although i know he doesn't want to get back with me,. he doesn't want me out of his life. I really want to be with him again. as for friendship, while we are both back on the dating sites where we met, i know friendship is difficult, esp. when feelings are so near to surface. but, having him in my life provides a sense of peace, solace, and comfort-he is truly a good person and I ultimately respect him as a person, depsite the fact that he doesn't see me (i messed up). i can't help but feel that getting these sweet e-mails validates me, and shows he cares and i think helps me to move on faster-without anger and the pain i was feeling at first. or am i deluding and numbing myself into thinking he may come back and not truly moving on? yes, maybe I'm trying to hold onto something with a glimpse of hope, hoping that through our good friendship (which seems better than the emotional drama dating) we can ultimately get back together. yes, i suppose I am deluding myself. any thoughts? PS I have been in practically NC, though he e-mails me and I respond (out of politeness and maturity). I'm sorry, but I live in his apt. and I want to be as mature as possible. it is impossible and not the best to ignore him. although he respects limited contact.

thanks everyone. Yes, maybe in the past I have chosen emotionally unavailable men. This time, for certain my most recent ex was not emotionally unavailable-just to me...after I pushed him so far away. He is the most honest and moral person I know and he has never been in a relationship and is a virgin, not because he is emotionally unavailable, but because he is too nice and often gets overlooked by women. Despite his strange and absent relationship/intimacy history, I felt almost out of league with him. we seemed to have long-term comaptible goals, but my insecurities kept sabatoging and i ended up pushing him away for fear. He didn't want to end the relationship (he cares so deeply for me), though he saw no long-term future (as ai asked and pushed for an asnwer so soon, from 4-6 months). I feel as though I am doomed to a series of these intense relationships (where the bf loves to date me for as long as he can). i am a good girlfriend and though my boyfriends rarely break up with me, I am not marriage material. I have good and bad qualities, but when I talk about the future, they cannot commit to anything true. these are not emotionally unavailable men, they just don't see me in their future. I am not angry with them, as it is always my fault, I'm not sure how I can become the person who could be a good support to myself and to another. i don't know how to handle the little things and blow everything up out of proportion. I don't have anyone to base it on! Yes, my parents have a dysfunctional relationship. They are constantly arguing. My dad is very emotionally abusive to all of us. But I cannot continue to focus on this any more. I must take responisbility, but my head begins to think (when my boyfriend) says one thing that maybe insulting, that he hates me, it's over. Yes, I am afraid of abandonment and this causes my worst fear. It's just so scary that I am so aware, yet feel helpless to change! and the conversations are the same over and over.

I am obviously having difficulty with relationships. I am quite self-aware and can see the obvious things I need to change and learn from my mistakes, but unfortunately, for some reason I am unable to implement what I've learned into future relationships and to live in th present. I decided to look at my old posts, for clarification and what I read is soooo eeringly familiar. this specific post (while only two months) is the EXACT story of my recent break-up. almost exactly, although this most recent was 6 months. I feel like the conversation was a script that I keep replaying over and over. This recent relationship, however, actually had potential, the most potential so far, as he was decidingly interested in pursuing marriage and completely honest with me about everything. I want to get out of this cycle, but feel helpless to do so....what breaks the cycle? I just lost someone who had real potential and afraid that unless I make serious changes, this will continue to haunt me. I am sinking in my depression because I feel I cannot do this anymore (though I try so hard) and afraid that I won't be able to come up for air anymore.

First, let me say that a woman who is 35 (if she wants to raise a child) has already planned aor at least seriously considered it at this age. A woman has a very difficult chance after her late thirties to conceive. Although 35 is VERY young, yes, for a woman thinking about childbirth, it is the ripe age. I'm not saying a woman can't wait until her early forties, even mid-to-late forties, as we hear stories about this, but it is not ideal (as many doctors will say), because it is much mroe difficult. So, I can understand that both of you are on different paths in life. She needs to plan for a child and unfortunately, a man who plays around all day, smokes pot, and has a job here and there is not most likely husband/father material. i understand her concerns and I do believe she cares deeply about you. She probably did not lie, but for practical considerations, the considerations of her future family, and compatibility issues, she cannot be with you. She probably did/does love you, but cannot be with you for the aforementioned reasons. I would seriously consider planning for your future. I'm not sure if there are women out there who do not do this at 35. I'm not going to say all, but many women, unless they are like you and wish to party all day do not want to lead this lifestyle. 35 is young, but you are an aduklt and have repsonsibilities.

ENA-all the people on here who spend their time helping other people all the people in the world who volunteer or sepnd their life trying to make a difference my friend who has always found a way to make me laugh love my nephew who is adorable creativity passion breathing the warm sun amazing/challenging job empathy intuition opportunities to travel having a healthy physical body ideas the ocean-as it ebbs and flows safety moments of insight spirituality