mellow

hmm.. I don't know why your email is still on my mind, haha.

i don't know what to think about you anymore.. uh.. good i guess?

I did a terrible thing, hypocritical but.. eh.. i'm only human

that one. I also had a dream about you, you attained the life you want with the lady- I know you're out tonight and spent the whole night till the morning with her. somehow I dreamed about you and i feel sad. i dreamed about how chill we were- but it is not what you want, really. I regret flaunting how happy my life right now, despite it's being the truth. I need to collect myself and have more integrity.. be happy. i wish we can be friends, but you lie too much, justify yourself too much and try to impress yourself, and all the ladies. haha. I don't know man. I just don't know.

whoa, i just woke up from a dream involving him. and I crashed. so much for indifference.

it sucks that you are fooling yourself, not about me, but about your life in general. are you really that desperate?

holy hell ex what the hell is wrong with you? why so uppity? jeez

ahhhhhhhh whatever. this indifference feels weird.

hey anonymous, hit me up if you need someone to talk to every 10 minutes, haha. day whatever, I'm still bummed but mostly indifferent

yeah, guess i'm kinda over it. so much reflections, so much lies, not worth pining over.

he keeps replying my updates on social networking sites. jesus, should I break NC and tell him to stop? I might have been too friendly.

he's falling for his new date. yeah. i need a massive hug

so i found out that he's falling for the new girl he's seeing from twitter. yeahh.. .. yeah. woah.. i need a hug

in a way I am glad you're breaking your mold, dancing around with this older lady that becomes your dancing partner, because you used to be very introverted and just refuse most of social things. This lady seems strong and you seem to enjoy the outings. The military life can be dull for you and you've been wanting to dance for months just have no partner to do it. sad that you are doing these means you're farther away from me, and obviously you have no idea i knew these. It's fine. I'm glad for you. I'm doing well here.. though i dreamed you got a few of ladies number and while i feel excited in the dream for you, when i woke up i realized, yeah you're moving on. without me. you talked to me indirectly on social networking site- obviously as a friend. I replied to one of them. then i found out I am not ready. someday, maybe. I am still feeling a bit bothered by the fact you flirted all your exes back, and of course be friending with the one you cheated me on. but that is fine. it's pretty clear i am not read to be your friend, not a long while. I am scared that I'd lose my chance to be your friend in the future, maybe you lose interest in me as a friend or something like that but it hits me like a ton of bricks- should THAT happen, that means we're never friends to begin with. I have to focus on myself, i shouldn't care if you're dating other girls or even cultivating good relationship with your ex, I should focus on me. i do miss you. a lot. wish I can just talk about your dancing escapades, photography and stuff, I am really interested and happy you're breaking your own mold when you said you dislike change. you are changing. unsure for the better or for worse, but you are, and hopefully it's for the better. I'm happy. and a bit sad. but mostly, I'm positive. good luck to you... I still love you.

hum I'm bad at this NC thing. and you guys right when you're feeling better suddenly they'll come out. Should stop twittering, he replied to my 'got a job' news in cool, silly manner (that i loved) and also commenting on my portfolios. was happy, then again, the expectation sets in again (oh he caaaaaares! ). and I am sure there were no meaning to his replies anyway. that means I am not ready to talk to him. jesus.