Abby

I'm learning to deal with a friend who has very strong (and sometimes offensive, be it racist, sizist, sexist) opinions on a wide range of subjects. When I mistakenly confided with her in a medical matter recently, instead of being a supportive listener which I assumed she'd be, she gave me her opinion which was both aggressive and arrogant. It was not appreciated. I believe there was a way she could have worded it so that she expressed her opinion and also learnt something new in the process (just because she disagreed with what I'm experiencing medically, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist or cannot happen). What I suggest is that you don't actually correct people but acknowledge what they've said then offer your opinion. How about something like this which sounds kinder... "Wow, I didn't realise that. I always thought blah, blah, blah. But that's really interesting. Tell me more..." That way if their information is incorrect, you're learning a bit more about what they think and why and at the same time, you're giving the correct information. It won't feel so much like a debate. Hope this helps

I'm in almost the same postion. A male friend's birthday is coming up and he doesn't want (never has liked) any fuss. Fair enough. It's likely I won't be involved in the work collection (it's a significant birthday) so I want to get him something from me. I've decided on a "On This Day In History" framed personalised certificate, so it's nothing too personal that would raise eyebrows. You said your friend is into technology and something practical for her would be a USB pen/flash drive so she can carry her data around if she uses computers a lot. Maybe you could download her her favourite song for her mobile if she has one. I hope this helps. Abby

Next time she makes a comment about you getting a job ask her if she's offering to mind the children while you work. That should shut her up! It did with a friend of mine who kept harping on at me to see this film or that film at the cinema and each time I patiently explained we rarely went out for lack of a babysitter. In the end I said, "We'd love to go and see that film at the cinema. Are you offering to babysit?" She never mentioned the cinema again!

Maybe he was worried you were showing more than a friendly interest in him and it bothered him a little? I'm not saying this is the case, just that he could have misread it. I don't think your climbing with him is wrong at all. If you're both happy climbing together, do so. You're not harming anyone by doing that. I understand how you feel about your friend. I have a male friend 14 years older than me and he's lovely, such a genuinely nice person and I enjoy his friendship. I'd say stick with your friend. That's what he is after all. Good luck

Isn't that what phonebooks are for? And if he is listed, then why is he listed if he doesn't want someone calling him? Give him a ring!

I'm afraid to say, that I, too, have experienced this. This one friend USED to say thank you, be it a thank you note, a paragraph in a letter, an email or a text message. I didn't care, just so long as some acknowledgement came. But, once she moved in with her new fella, she just stopped saying thank you. I'd end up texting her a few days later asking if it had arrived safely (we lived over 100 miles apart). Mostly, she'd ignore the text message. Very rarely, she'd say, "Oh yes, it has thanks," which sounded more like 'thanks for asking' rather than 'thanks for the gift'. Yes, unfortunately, it became a habit and because of other things (not this), we're no longer friends. It's really sad.

I really like what Blender suggested, Twilight. You've had such patience with your roommate, it would be great if she could honour you with the same respect but as Blender said, she appears limited and you're probably wasting your time. It can be incredibly frustrating being interrupted and talked over. I have the opposite issue with one particular friend. I don't want to interrupt her BUT I would like us to have a dialogue rather than listening to her monologues all the time. Sometimes, I don't mind just listening but sometimes I would like to participate and that's the problem - she can talk for Britain and I can't get a word in edgeways! I try to wait for a pause to speak but I don't find one until she's stopped for breath AFTER moving onto another topic and it's very hard to back-track one the conversation, sorry, monologue has moved on. I suppose we're experiencing the same thing trying to participate in a conversation rather than being shoved out. Interesting post.

I'm glad you've let this mother go although I understand your concerns about the child's welfare. In that case I'd contact the appropriate organisation to inform them of your concerns. I'm guessing you're not in the UK? I say this because here, unless you're a relative, you cannot offer day care services in your home unless you've become a registered childminder with your local authority. They enlist childcare providers, vet them, police checks etc and provide training for them. They then have a directory of childcarers for users to select from in the knowledge that all background checks have been done. These childcare providers aren't allowed to operate without appropriate insurance which they have to provide evidence for and they receive unannounced visits from Social Services to make sure they're doing their jobs properly. There's also a limit as to how many children they can care for. So, there are strict rules of how childminders operate and it's really best to have the support and backing of your local authority in that respect. If, where you live, has such a thing, you really need to sign up with them for your own protection and any things that crop up, such as your situation, you can immediately inform your local authority as would be your duty. I hope this helps.

How about when you're with her and she makes a comment, say, like the couple in your example. If you sense she's going to say something, acknowledge the people as you're passing (yes, say hello/how do/whatever), then say, "What? Bill and Norma? Nah, they're the nicest people around etc." She'll have the shock of her life if she thinks you actually know them!

I find using an epilator on the bikini line dramatically reduces the bumps. I tried wet shaving, electric shaving and removal cream for bikini line but got unsightly bumps for ages afterwards. I've never tried waxing so I cannot comment but I'm really pleased with the results of the epilator. It's long lasting too. As for the rest of it. My husband trims it with ordinary clippers so it's really short and I don't get bumps from that at all. I hope this helps. Abby

I agree with the others, your friend is using you and she's gone beyond that now, she's taking the mick! As you've ascertained the friendship is over, you should communicate with her one last, not via email because that can be ignored but by phone if possible. Say to her, "I want you to come and collect your cat by (insert date) otherwise I'm taking him to the Cat's Protection League." Leave it at that. If she doesn't collect him, you know she was trying to palm the cat off onto you. Since he's causing conflict among your own cats, you're better off giving him to the CPL so they can find a more suitable home for him. I hope this helps. Abby

What you have to remember is that you may NOT have a special needs child so this anxiety is polluting your thoughts and possible enjoyment of future parenthood. As you're aware there are tests available and you will be given a choice should it arrive at that. My 11 year old son is severely disabled. He was a normal baby and became ill when he was nearly 10 months old so it wasn't exactly like we had a choice in the matter as a woman may during pregnancy. We just got on with it. It's hard, certainly and sometimes I really hate my life because I can see no end to my caring role. My son isn't exactly going to grow up, leave home and live an independent life. He's ALWAYS going to need care for the rest of his life and I'm well aware that I won't be around for some of that. Then you get the good moments where he's starting to say complete sentences. He can't have a conversation per se but he can ask for something, like a drink for instance. He's making very slow but definite progress. He will never walk and he's already showing signs of puberty. I just thank God he's not a girl because it's bad enough dealing with him being doubly incontinent, I certainly wouldn't have to deal with someone elses menstral cycle as well! Welll, that's my experience - you cope the best you can. I'd say that you shouldn't allow this to stop you from having children if that's what you really want. I hope this helps. Take care Abby

Hello Lily It sounds like you're certain about this but the one thing I sense stopping you from simply ignoring her is because you're a good mannered person. How about this Dear xxx As much as I would love to continue our friendship and have enjoyed having you in my life, I feel our lives are going down different paths. I truly wish you the best in your new life and I will cherish the memories of our friendship. Lily This way, there's no confrontation, no falling out, no accusation and it's a 'clean' end to the friendship. I admire you, Lily. Being considerate of your ex-friend's feelings shows what a caring person you are. If you've seen any of my posts/responses to posts on this board it's usually about how hurt I am over a friend who simply stopped talking to me. I have no idea what I've said/done to result in her silence and although I've tried to put it right, I'm getting ignored. It hurts very much and I strongly believe that no one should be ignored or brushed aside so easily. There are kind ways to end a friendship which is much better than saying nothing at all. Good luck, Lily. Abby

I think you would find this a very interesting article to read. And perhaps your daughter would, too. link removed I hope this helps. Take care

Hi, thanks for your replies. I spoke with my cousin again yesterday to ask her that question and she says, as always, he is polite and friendly.