Nina95

I miss you so much. I miss us. I dont know how to get out of this and how to push through, but I have to find a way. Everything feels to bleak and hopeless today. I had to stay home to work, my eyes and face were a mess this morning, still are. I have barely gotten out of bed, just trying to type away on the laptop and take ocassional calls for work. I know you know I saw your new FB account and the few girls you added. One of them, I recognize the name, from your past. I know you had a fling with her before me... hopefully only before me. Who knows. I dont know anymore. I guess it doesnt matter. Everytime I think I know you, I realize I dont, I never did, and that is one of the many reasons why we could never be again. I dont trust you. The sad thing is that you have no idea how much I trusted you before, it would have never ever crossed my mind that you would betray me. And I thought your hot temper would subside at some point with enough love and patience. I get it, you are moving on. A lot better than I am obviously, but that is valid. It hurts. You said you would wait, that you would work on yourself and whatnot, and always love me. But not really, another proof if I ever needed one, that words mean nothing. Mostly for people who are naturally explosive and unpredicatble. FB truly is the devil, I dont even have a FB, I just went looking through it searching your name, and look what I found. I deserve it. I'll deactivate my fake account and see how I can change the password to something I cant remember. I used to have that account to log onto some websites that require FB, now I dont care, I dont even use them anymore. I just wanted to vent a little, pour my heart out a little. So yes Im hurting a lot, I havent slept well in I dont know how long, I havent eaten or drunk water today, and I feel like Im back to square 1. But maybe not, maybe this little insignificant thing is what I needed to help me push forward just a little bit more, just a tiny bit stronger, even if today feels like the world is meaningless. Maybe. If only all the beautiful happy memories of what felt to me like true intimacy, not just physical, but emotional, deep level emotional, if only they could stop playing in my mind like an effinng movie. Everytime I close my eyes, I see you. Even if I sleep, dreams or nightmares, and I'll wake up crying or scared. I still wake up almost every morning thinking you are next to me, and then the realization has to come all over again. Some days are better than others. Most days are bad. Today is particularly painful. Even though it hurts to think about it, I hope you dont contact me again for anything. Each time is a new little cut I make to myself, either in the form of some delussional fragment of hope of something that could never be given everything that has happened, or a reminder of everything that has happened and why it could never be. And yet, I still feel so weak that I believe that if you came saying and doing all the right things, I would take you back. But you cant come back doing and saying all the right things, simply because you dont truly regret anything or find fault in anything you've done, not really, not deep down. That is why last year my pain wasnt enough, and my willingness to forgive you wasnt enough. You actually took them as a license to cause more pain. I actually reinforced your behavior and told you with my forgiveness "all of that is perfectly fine, the betrayal and the emotional abuse, all fine". I thought it would bring us closer somehow, that we could rebuild stronger from there, but I was very wrong and did everything wrong. I dont regret our time together as a whole, but I do regret not having ended 7 months earlier. We live and learn that's all. Live and learn. I hope this pain ends some time soon.

In the rare moments of clarity, I can see I idealized you. I idealized us and the relationship. It was truly good many times, but it was also bad. Many times. The good couldnt truly justify the bad. I can see that clearly. I am just afraid of facing life, really. Without you. Without all my dreams and hopes of a life together, or of a life not alone. I guess I feel you got me, when no one else would? But maybe not really as it turns out. I dont know,it just hurts, there is like an emptiness, like there is no purpose to anything? The mornings are the worst, every time and every day. I dont want to get up and face the day, and then strangely enough it does get better, sometimes, as the day goes on. Sometimes. The evenings are no better, unless Im truly tired. I miss us. And I dont at the same time. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.

Im in a rare drunken stupor, at 9pm, on a Tuesday evening. I had a fleeting glimpse into what our lives would be, something that felt like you had and would be the only one for me, it felt so beautiful for a split second, and then so terrifying after my rational mind saw that you and I could never be again. Why did I have to fall in love with you so much more than you loved me. Why does it have to hurt so much why, it hurts physically. Sometimes I wish I’d never met you. I just want it to stop. I need it to stop.

My chest aches, my body is tense, my legs feel heavy. I think you never truly cared, you might feel affection or even love but not enough. I cant go back and yet the thought of it terrifies me. I miss you so much. Then I also remember how damaged I feel, how betrayed, I feel like our whole relationship has been a lie on your end and that crushes me. I feel you were never truly, fully in, like I was, despite my own setbacks. You wanted me to be someone and something I am not. It was my fault. I should have seen it and let it end a lot sooner than this. Less attachment, less heartbreak, less time wasted. You were my first love and heartbreak. I really would have lived and died by your side if only. I hope this pain goes away. I miss you and I hate myself for that. I have to get through this and not contact you again. I must. I wish I could erase everything from my mind, all memories, mostly your number.

Ha this was also the last movie I watched (recently added on Netflix). Michael Keaton has become one of my favorite actors lately, his performances are smart, sometimes even inspired. I enjoyed the movie very much, but was also left with an immediate feeling of great disappointment, not in the film (the script was sharp, effective) but in this true story of ruthless capitalism. It was simultaneously a celebration of ambition and entrepreneurship, and a tale of greed, deception and broken promises. How to reconcile Almost everywhere you go, there is a McDonalds. It is a strong symbol of American culture and presence globally. Whether it is a positive symbol, I strongly believe that's hardly the case? To me it feels like a plague quite honestly. I despise its "food" and its treatment of employees; its marketing campaigns are just weird most of the time, bordering on racist, and sometimes even creepy and almost predatory when aiming at children. But was it a mighty good idea, deriving in an even greater business concept that Ray Kroc had the tenacity to undertake, well it was. And this is all the movie explores, which worked great. Does the end justify the means? Not in my book. At least the final (hand-shaken) agreement could have been honored. But as my boss always tells me, if it's not in writing, it never happened (always get it in writing!).

I've always thought Tom Cruise is a great actor

La La Land. Thought it was very beautiful and well made.