JoyfulCompany

I think we all have things to resolve as long as we're alive. Issues, non-issues, in the end I find it a matter of if we're compatible or not. I have some issues that would be a deal-breaker for some men and not a huge problem for others. And I can happily live with certain issues in my partner. And, btw, some stuff can be resolved only when "exposed" and vulnerable in a relationship. Here's an anecdote... Last year I met someone offline who turned out to be a full-blown alcoholic and with a long-term girlfriend. Later I met someone else on an app, who's my now boyfriend and whom I adore. We're both a bit of a homebody with no acquaintances in common or none we know of. There would be nowhere else I could meet him. Even if we had accidentally met, there wouldn't have been a connection in a fast-paced social situation, as we were both reserved in our own ways. So, as much as I feel majorly uncomfortable using dating apps, there's some value in them beyond the frustration and the statistics. @Sindy_0311 I'm not trying to invalidate your experience. I know how exhausting it is and I understand your preference to meet someone naturally in real life (I have the same). My points are: - we should be as cautious IRL as in OLD; - there must be some balance between hope/trust vs. caution... staying open but also with eyes wide open, something like that;

Lost, on the topic of being afraid of a libido mismatch... I would say never underestimate how much of a turn-on is to have a partner who feels safe, open, accepting, appreciative and non-demanding. I personally have different "needs" under different circumstances (single vs. pressured vs. accepted, etc.). So, you never know until you know. Enjoy and hopefully it will be a match in that department, too. 💕

Cancelling last moment would be a deal-breaker for me. I value other people's time and I expect the same, otherwise we're incompatible. Also, for a couple of dates it has already been too much disappointment and ego games. No point to continue, I can't see anything good coming out of this situation. I don't even see it as hot & cold, I see it as drooling on social media and not following through with actual plans, so... no. I would suggest to remove/block him on Instagram, no point of feeding your ego thinking how he's going to see the amounts of fun you're having without him (in hopes he has regrets), you'll move on faster without that. Go live (or continue living) your best life instead. Good luck.

Honestly, if you've been mostly reminiscing of exes, i.e. living in the past, I would assume you're not very happy where you currently are with your life and would suggest looking for other ways to bring some joy and contentment. Definitely try new activities, experiences and to meet new people. I don't say this is your case, just sharing a perspective from the other side of things, but... Whenever an ex gets suddenly reminded of me and wants to communicate, I don't feel flattered at all. I feel like they are bored or under a dry spell, thought of me and how I've been a decent human being to them, and suddenly are trying to project something on to me and fit me in some picture. But after all these years I don't feel like we really know each other anymore, we're different people since the time we were together and it's mostly a fantasy on their side. In all honesty I've done it, too - the fantasy part but without actually reaching out. It never was in the high seasons of my life. Most of the time in some lonely episode. So, I would not put too much hope on reconnecting.

It's a solid reason to cut ties with someone and be gone for good. 3 years... so imagine the level of betrayal they must've felt that while you were playing a friend on the outside, you were also unethically heavily sexualizing them. And, actually those deepfakes could leak out somehow, even if you don't do anything with that purpose. Just imagine the consequences for everyone. Anyway, I hope you learnt your lesson but I think you will have to seek closure and further forgive yourself on your own. I understand it will be very difficult. I hope you stay on the right path and do a lot of fruitful soul-searching.

Best of luck, Lost. I absolutely wish that you soon meet a person who you easily click with, who is willing to meet you halfway in all things dating (and life), who feels exciting and meaningful to spent time with. On or offline. Even if it doesn't happen right away, I found that, at least for myself, joining OLD felt like making a small step forward. Warming up to the idea of actively dating again IS a step forward. From my latest attempts to meet someone in an app I noticed men have become very passive. Even if we matched (meaning they liked my profile and I liked theirs), they wouldn't write first. I think this assumption that women get a lot of attention might be quite stifling. Maybe it depends from app to app, but on the one I last was, I could set some filters what people the app shows to me but on the other hand it showed me to all kinds of people. Meaning a ton that I certainly wouldn't consider in terms of geography, religion, wether they want kids, etc. Which made me super annoyed because I could actually loose someone interesting in the sea of people I don't want to even be shown to. So, if you find some nice profiles and you match, shoot. I did write first a couple of times. It might take time, I do believe in luck in those situations. So do what you feel like doing, talk to whom you feel like talking. Have some patience. Stay hopeful without being all wired up. I think you know all of that. But, yeah, totally rooting for you.

Yes, but I wouldn't phrase it like this. A person is not a disjointed bag of body features and character traits. There's some unique spirit that combines all of it together that makes the overall impression to others. Different people find different things attractive. Let's not go for the millionth time down the rabbit hole of "then how would you explain conventionally unattractive people having relationship experience and/or being in LTR". If you decide to view the world in a superficial way - the world will answer in a superficial competition-like way. Why? Because that's what you choose to see from everything that exists. That's how you choose to interpret it. Will I deny that there are pressuring collective perceptions and expectations? That some people live up to them? No. But I don't think everyone needs to agree and adopt them automatically. I certainly don't.

In short - you're wasting your time. You're neither friends, nor lovers. There's no commitment and there won't be - if she wanted to it would've happened by now. While still holding onto hope, you won't be able to meet someone else. Or, even if you meet a woman, you'll be comparing her to the one you're keeping close and harbouring feelings for. It'll be messy. It'll be messy also if the current one meets a man. I think it's time to learn to end things that are not working out. It will spare you the following: as well as some upcoming heartbreak.

I'm really sorry for what happened. You know what's the word for it and I'm sorry you're only open to hear certain opinions. I will just say that when your safety has been violated, you having lost your trust is the most natural and smart reaction a human can have. It's a self-preservation mechanism that you shouldn't want to mute. It's not okay for what happened to happen, it's not okay you thought it's better to ignore yourself and continue because of whatever-libido-reason of the other party and it's not okay they're suddenly acting frustrated, instead of highly concerned. It shows me they know what they did, are okay with it and feel entitled. I'm sorry I can't give you an answer you would like to hear. I had to say this, if not for you, then for someone else that might read your thread. I will respect your wish and leave the discussion. I hope you're safe.

Wow, so either it was planned or she eagerly, without hesitation, hopped on the opportunity with the active intention to avoid any consequences. Not good. I agree with what all the other guys have already said. I understand that you love her, you're attached to her, you live together which makes your lives intertwined and I'm sorry that you found out you may not really know your girlfriend. But: - lying to "not make you upset" is lying to you about who she is - even if it wasn't exactly about drugs that shows a shady character; - counselling? Is she even motivated to go to counselling? It seems to me you are the one looking for solutions, not her and if she understood the magnitude of the problem with lying, she should be. Is she remorseful or defensive? "My girlfriend did something that from the very beginning is a well-known deal-breaker for me, tried to hide it and actively lied about it when I asked repeatedly. I'm looking for solutions to go through the situation with my trust intact so we can continue being together." - this is how it looks to me. She should be the one with the strategies to gain your trust back if it was a one-time (in this case at least two) thing and your values actually align. However I don't think she finds it problematic and due to personal experience, I'm not optimistic. In my case they got better at hiding. Anyway, personal prognosis aside, I think you need to take some time to gain some perspective before deciding wether or not it's even worth fixing.

So couple of initial months okay, on. Then him pulling away and creating drama. Then some weeks/months off. He apologises, you forgive. Then on but: - verbally abusing you for being sick; - accusing you of being a gold digger; - acting entitled and manipulative in bed; - verbally abusing you for dressing a certain way; - verbally abusing you, this time in front of others; He apologises, you forgive (the heck?!). Then one month okay, on. Then he creates drama, off. Two months of active drama, three months of more passive drama. You return, he apologises, you forgive. He uses your faith to get to you (he found God, wow, suuuurreeee). Five months on now. He's pressuring you to move in together. He doesn't care if you feel ready or not - "there is something wrong with you" for not being sure. He's acting entitled of your life and your time, implicitly isolating you from your own wants, needs and friends. This man is dangerous for you. Listen to your gut, it's trying to save you. I would think of a safe way to end it, because I would expect he will use all possible methods to pull you back - tears, promises, manipulation, insults, threats, threats of self-harm, even if he hasn't expressed some of those yet.

Because he waved some very serious red flags under your nose and continues doing so. Honestly, each one of the incidents you mention alone would have been a deal-breaker for me. I agree with you about: - even if a person is not entirely sure about their feelings for someone yet, there needs to be kindness and respect; - you should listen to your intuition and not commit to living together but rather pursue your desired job and life goals; He has a very nasty side and he hasn't changed. Just got a bit more motivated to hide it but that wouldn't last forever, it's still poking here and there. Listen to your body - if someone feels draining, there's a reason. And stop doubting yourself - it's perfectly okay to need space to recharge and to enjoy alone time and your own friendships/school/job/sport/etc. affairs, this doesn't make you difficult. Best case is you two are incompatible. However, my feeling is he has abusive tendencies and it will get worse if you decide to commit further.

How long have you been dating? How often are you two able to see each other in person? Is there an end date of the long-distance part? Overall... He's calling you every day and you have meaningful communication and are able to truly connect, right? You see each other sometimes. He claims he's not a big texter and is actually super busy. Yet you feel mildly rejected. So, yes, it's either incompatibility or insecurity on your part that you need to work on. Isn't there a way to fill up your days with more time spent with family/friends? What about courses, hobbies? Seems like you expect him to be the sole source of your own security, fulfilment and perhaps even self-esteem. If that's true, it's not really fair.

Honestly, I don't see where the confusion comes from. Clearly weekends are for the family/spouse, so there is some dedication to the "unhappy marriage". Maybe it's not so unhappy after all? Clearly there's at least a small degree of emotional cheating if conversations get deleted (or carefully phrased), be it because they already caused a problem or they potentially could. Or simply because the other party doesn't want the vast amount of time spent together around the office (hours) be easily tracked. There's already some form of secret, deceit. I would like to believe your evaluation that neither of you is going to cross the line. But what are the options, really? There's quite some serious attachment formed, even if it's only within the workdays and work-related events boundary (so far). It's not pure friendship and you know it, it's in the gray zone. What do you plan to do - keep this fantasy and never deal with the unhappiness in your personal life? For how long? Would you two be able to still resist the attraction if there's some serious crisis in one or both of your lives/marriages? I understand you're in this situation because of some emotional lack in your life. And you do deserve to be happy but not at other people's expense. I think it's time to make some personal decisions and cut back on that communication by keeping it more professional. Not all day everyday, no extra hours in the office, etc. Again it's not pure and innocent friendship, even if only one of the parties is interested.

Your BF sounds delusional to be honest. If that girl felt relief that you came into the picture while he thinks he and her always had "bad timing"... I would give him the perfect timing on his end - being newly single. This man has lied to you before August of last year and after August of last year. Basically the whole time. And it's a huge lie. Your relationship is built upon that lie. How could you ever trust him again? You're so young, don't you want to be with someone who's grateful to wake up next to you every day? You do deserve it and you can have it. But this is not the guy. If you are the one afraid this relationship is over you're either in denial or have zero self-respect. Or both. "Overstepping for bringing up something he wrote in private"? Because you accidentally read something that majorly concerns you while taking the exam instead of the giant lazy baby? No, it's not overstepping. The only question for me would be wether or not I would give him the gift of knowing why I'm leaving. Ugly words do hurt. It's ugly he not only wrote a little love letter but the way he mentioned you in that letter. Insulting you, betraying and undermining your relationship in order to build the intensity of his undying desire for the other girl... This man doesn't even respect you, hun. Lastly, he's either incredibly stupid or incredibly careless if you found out about it this way. I'm sorry for the shock and hurt. In a way (that feels horrible now but you'll be thankful for later) it's better to know. Based on the information you've given, I've highlighted all the reasons I see about why I think you should leave. Sorry I may sound harsh.