Jump to content

All Activity

This stream auto-updates

  1. Past hour
  2. Apparently it was needed to be done that way initially as it builds a case showing her poor conduct and unwillingness to come to an amicable agreement. That's what I was told anyway - sounds plausible. All on the court schedule now, so the only correspondence required is via the court and any other necessary costings. They weren't without my approval as she said that it needed to be done that way. We have had a similar discussion on how to keep costs down. I also told her that I wasn't happy about not keeping to the agreement of letting me know when the budget was going to go over, she said that 's because I mentioned that my financial position had changed (as part of my pension came out). She explained that the costs rose due to needing to complete court documentation for the maintenance petition, divorce papers and claim for costs. This stage of the process can be up to 5,000gbp in costs and the entire divorce process between 5,000 & 25,000. I have had this confirmed by a few other legal firms and it is dependent upon how complex it can get. I shall review after hearing what the outcome of the court petition is. This is new ground for me and I'm not familiar with things so am breaking new ground.
  3. Does he have depression or just a lack of self-confidence? Why not try and be as supportive as you can, give some reassurance instead of threatening to divorce him and when he is still sad, just give him some space and do something else?
  4. Sorry you are going through this roller coaster. You mention your husband has a cycle of emotions, is there a regular patter to them? Such as work place goings on, or vacations, or some external trigger? Is there something between the two of you that starts these cycles? Just trying to get more information, as there is a possibility of Bi-polar (but I'm not a doctor so I won't say more on that). Does he have friends or hobbies that gets him out of the home? Aka does he have healthy outlets that he can confide in?
  5. Everything you write, OP, is very worrying. He evidently does need professional help.
  6. It didn't start then. In fact, it had gotten better for at least a year or so after we officially tied the knot. After that, it was so much worse than it was before. Especially the retroactive jealousy. Why he decided that he was going to ruin his life over sexual encounters I had years before I even knew he existed will never make sense to me, but he did.
  7. This situation is a wreck that you could see on soap operas. Next someone's evil twin will show up. Seriously, I think you need to remove yourself from these terrible people. A wants everything without any of the responsibilities of being honest with you, and later hiding behind the poly excuse is worse. A & B are nothing but disruptions to you health and well-being, move on to better people to associate with and date.
  8. My husband claims that his worst nightmare would be more me to leave him. He admitted this through tears during our first session of couple's counseling, which he hesitantly attended at my behest after I'd gotten fed up with his behaviors for the umpteenth time. Apparently one session was enough for him, because he would not go back. We've been together for 11 years, married for 4. I'm in my late 20s. He's in his early 30s. I don't need to go on and on about how much I love him, how great he is when he isn't being 'like that' etc. I'm sure most of you have heard it all a dozen times. But I will say this - Marriage is not an institution I'd go frivolously into and it's not one I'd leave unless there was literally no other option. But goddamn if he hasn't had me considering serving those papers at least once a month. He was my forth serious boyfriend. I was his second girlfriend ever. The problems didn't really start until around 2 years into our exclusivity. He'd tell me often that 'he wasn't like this before' and that only I could make him this jealous. I never found it flattering, but then again I don't think he ever intended for it to be. Ever since then we've fallen into a cycle, fueled by his fragile ego and inability to work on himself. My husband has good qualities. Lots of them. I wouldn't have married him if he didn't, but they've all become steadily overshadowed by the giant raincloud of self-hatred. Defeatism and fatalism. It's so odd, he's like a pendulum that swings between deep loathing for himself and an almost narcissistic grandiosity. He convinces himself that he's entitled to things he didn't work for, but once he realizes it he flagellates himself until he's mental gore. And I'm expected to whip out the mop and hot cocoa to clean up his mess and soothe his soul. Because that's what I'm supposed to be, right? His therapist. His sexy therapist. There is to sitting down and thinking things through with this man. If he thinks it, it is true. He doesn't grasp the reality of Thoughts and Feelings =/= Fact. Any and all thoughts, so long as they're negative, are true and that's the end of the story. He believes himself to be repulsive and impossible to love? Guess what, I get punished for it. Without even talking to me, he assumes that I look at him with 'disgust' in my eyes, and that I'd sooner run to another woman or a fictional character just to be away from him. When I feel insecure about my body, then it means I do not want to share myself sexually with him, therefore I hate him. If I don't memorize the minutia of his hobby, then that means I find him a pathetic manchild who needs to grow up. So on and so forth. You get the idea. There is no winning with this man. And I know there shouldn't be any 'winning', since this isn't a competition... But you know what I mean. Nothing I do is ever enough. There are always caveats and stipulations. And when I'm lacking, it means I hate my husband. Of course, I know that's not true. I know I love my husband. And deep down he knows I do as well... But he needs a scapegoat. An out. He needs something to project feelings he can handle onto. That person is me, since we're the closest and all. I just... I feel so overwhelmed. Whenever I bring up separation or divorce he goes on the defensive, calling me out for wanting to 'abandon our vows' and give up on him so easily. But, he must know this has been years and years in the making, right? I can't spend the last bastion of my youth with some sad sack that blames all of his failings on me. I've tried to help him in the past, but there's only so much I can do as an outside entity. I'm his wife. Not his therapist, mother, security blanket or teacher. When I felt I had problems that needed to get sorted and addressed I seeked out a therapist. 5 years later, I graduated from said therapy and walked out a significantly more stable person. He was there the entire way to watch me transform in real time, yet he absolutely refuses any sort of mental health counseling himself. I haven't given him the 'therapy or I leave' ultimatum, since ultimatums are unfair... But Dear Lord am I close to it. I want this to work out, and I know he does too. We both want to start a family, but I told him that I am not procreating with a man who can't regulate his emotions or take responsibility for his actions. Of course, that sent him into a downswing but at this point I don't care. He's hellbent on dragging me down into depression with him and I fought tooth and nail to climb out. I am not going to be his miserable company. That said, I would want to understand him better.
  9. That is way too much drama A sounds like she cant make up her mind so she bounced back between you both and wants both of you at the same time. B was fine with you having feelings for A but spread rumors about you, dated your ex probably out of spite and had no problem with cheating. You inserted yourself into their relationship and still maintaining "status quo" while they both go behind your back showing you that they arent even your good friends, let alone more. So I say that you remove yourself out of equation. That is way too much drama and let them get burried into it while you get out. Its not healthy and you will drive yourself insane as you already did went through depression, while they will enjoy all that drama. So, again, let it go.
  10. I explained here what would be my fine from my point of view (and what I would do) because we were discussing the ways one can politely cut contact with an ex, given he/she wanted to do it! That's why I said that if she was not comfortable enough, she could wash her hands of it and justify herself by saying that her bf won't be comfortable with it. And to me it doesn't sound childish at all if it is presented appropriately and if it's genuine. It may as well be seen as choosing a priority and taking into consideration your SO (like I could do the same, of course). I trust her to have normal boundaries but I don't trust exes and I don't want to increase the chances for some drama. They've shared a lot of personal details recently (before we met) which are usually reserved for the most intimate friends or a gf/bf couple. That is a possibility for something deeper. We are talking about emotional involvement here... Asking him how he was doing (hypothetically) was because of good manners. She can have a conversation if he reaches out (not cut him off immediately) but the outcome which I will be comfortable with is the one that leaves him knowing his further contact would not be appropriate. I repeat - it's my way of doing things (although I have outrightly ignored an ex of mine because I had a gf at that moment) and she is free to not "please me and accomodate my rules". After all, every one of us gets to decide the degree to which he/she is not comfortable with something Discussing vacation plans (literally couple of messages back and forth) was something I was OK with and I told her that. What they will do at the vacation is their business. She is not on a leash but if she wants to be with me - she knows what I find inappropriate (dancing is one of those things for every normal person, I guess). So my "rules" are not some made-up BS and I don't force anybody to agree with them.
  11. Today
  12. Learn a SUPER easy way to tell if a guy is trying to build a real relationship with you... or if he's just attracted to you and wanting something casual. Does he really love me? How do I know if he wants a relationship? Is he just looking to hook up? I get asked questions like these ALL THE TIME by clients, students and women in my life... so I created a video explaining the KEY QUESTION to ask to determine what a man truly wants, and 5 ways to spot his true motives in his actions.
  13. Will a good man do this for his woman if he loves her? What to expect from a “GOOD MAN” Some emotional think good men are hard to find. Many women think god men longer exist. As a dating coach I’ve found that the expectations we have and the standards we establish play a big big part in if we will ever find love or marriage. Women often take crap from men because their standards are low. Low standards lead to a lot of romance and sexual engagement but very few quality relationships. The equal and opposite extreme is just as much if a hindrance though. Women having standards that are too high for men to live up to often lead to women failing to find the love they are desperately hoping for. Some women are saving themselves for marriage. For them dating can be even harder because less men these days are willing to wait. In this video we discuss if a good man is willing to wait till marriage.
  14. Oh wow -you really want her -a grown woman -to tell these people that her boyfriend is not comfortable (honestly I can't even imagine doing so and referencing "husband" and I'm married -much more reasonable for a married or long term committed couple) - she would sound like a child "my daddy won't let me....". Of course all conversations not just with exes can go down the wrong path. But the bottom line is do you trust her to have normal boundaries so that a simple how are you/how's the family doesn't become "come over and let's get boozed up". And even if it did don't you trust her to know to cut things off right then? This is on you. You don't trust her in a situation which is not playing with fire in the least. Of course she shouldn't meet an ex for dinner at a romantic restaurant on a Saturday night -not a good look, gives the wrong messages and despite trusting your partner it's likely inappropriate to be in a date like setting like that with a guy, ex or no. Also it's unfair for her to ask how he is doing knowing she has to cut him off to please you and accommodate your rules - that's disingenuous and wrong of you to burden her with that. If she truly was on the same page with you -your very strict stance on exes -she would have canceled her vacation without a thought to the $ or circumstances. If she has to cut off an ex as you described then going on vacation with an ex and communicating with him about all the vacay plans goes far beyond a simple polite exchange that also -to you -needs to be cut off. She's worried because she's doing this all for you -she's not on the same page and I can see where while on vacay she'll feel on eggshells about her interactions until a point where- perhaps after a drink when she's a little relaxed she'll be like - ok this is crap. I'm on vacay, he's a new boyfriend, I'm tired of this ridiculous short leash. Ex, let's dance!!"
  15. Unfortunately both A and B seem toxic. They are not your friends, they appear to be backstabbers. Stay away from both of them and make friends you can trust and steer clear of nebulous situationships, in general and particularly with messed up people like this.
  16. In this video Clay Andrews discusses the primary cause of a lack of intimacy between you and your ex. There is a lot of advice out there that will tell you that you need to put on an act or play hard to get with your ex in order to get them to like you. However, how are they supposed to actually connect with you and feel an intimate connection if you’re not being honest and transparent yourself? More so, why would they be open and honest with you if you’re putting on an act and pretending to be something or someone you are not? One of the biggest factors in creating intimacy is being willing to take the first step and showing that you are able to pen up yourself.
  17. kamurj

    Reinvent Yourself

    If you’re feeling overdue for a personal overhaul, I’m here to help. On today’s episode of the podcast I’m doing a deep dive into the psychology of personal reinvention to give you some actionable strategies for releasing your old stuff and attaining your aspirations. We'll be discussing the secret forces that make personal reinvention easier, and the ones that will sabotage you and snap you back if you're not careful. Most of all, I'll be sharing how to use your strengths to stay motivated, and move forward — forever.
  18. What are the characteristics of a good leader? A strong leader has unique, inherent, and visionary qualities. A great leader strives to bring their "vision" to life. So, how does one go about doing this?
  19. This week, I'm breaking down the signs and symptoms of growing up with a narcissistic parent and helping you get a better understanding of how this might be impacting your life right now. Let’s heal this so you can move on and have more internal peace and harmony in your life.
  20. Hi, i need help please dont judge. I am a woman attracted to other women. Around last year March i fell in love with this girl we'll call her 'A'. A had just recently gotten out of a relationship with her ex- we'll call her 'B'. While A and B where dating i became close friends with B and thats when they started having issues and they both confided in me, being a good friend i offered advice to them both but because i barely knew A, my main focus was on B to make sure she doesnt get hurt. Along the line i started having feelings for A and i felt guilty so i told B about it first and she said she was fine with it, so i told A about it. When they broke up(not because of me) i started making active advances towards A and by June we started dating. That was during the corona break and everyone was at home, everything was rosy and we had a good time untill we came back to school. When we got back i found out that B was dating the person i was seeng before i let him go after discovering my feelings for A. I was happy for them, but B started spreading rumours that i manipulated the situation to get with A. After a while we cleared things and became friends again. Not long after A and B started claiming the were best friends, i had no issue with even though my mind wasnt settled on it, i didnt want to seem controlling so i let it slide. before i knew it A had told me that she had kissed B while still dating me, i got furious and lashed out on A(my girlfriend), since then she became distant i tried to close the gap between us but it was all in vain. We started falling out so i asked for a break, she was happy for the break like thats what she was waiting for. Soon after i realised it will be best to break up with her since she clearly isn't happy with me. Fast forward we talked things over and understood our faults and we became friends, A was still staying with me and we were still having sex. But i later found out that all through the relationship she was cheating on me with B. I was immensely heartbroken and I fell into depression. But i didnt want to lose her so i forgave her and tried to move past it but she was still sleeping with B, i tried to reason with myself that i was no longer dating her, so i cannot stop her from doing what she likes even if it hurts me and i later found peace in that. I couldn't cheat back because i am demisexual and she is the only person i love. I always tell her how much she hurt me and how much i love her and i will wait for her. I told her how much her actions hurt me because i didnt want her to do it to anyone again because regardless of what i did, it doesnt warrant to cheating, we could've easily talked it out(she claims she cheated because she couldn't find comfort in me and found it in B). I went to severe depression for 4 months NOTE: After our breakup and after we talked things out, our relationship became amazing, and i started to think maybe i have another chance with her and she started confessing her feeling for me. But she so tells me about her feelings for B. Mind you B had also broke up with her bf at this point. So now everyone is single. Few days ago, A texted me saying B has been asking her out and she is happy about it but also sad, that sentence broke me but because i cared for her i asked why she was sad, she said because she wouldn't be with be and she wants to be my girlfriend again. She confessed that she is polyamorous and would like to be in a relationship with both of us, i cut B put of my life after i found put about the betrayal, so that was a no go plus i am not polyamorous. She pictched the idea to B as well and B rejected it as B and I both hate ourselves. I told A i cannot give her what she wants and i would rather leave her than to be in a polyamorous relationship especially with B and she respected my decision. Ot has become a thing where i am always inconveniencing myself to make her happy, she says she loves me and she also put herself in uncomfortable situations because of me. She said she was hurt and was crying after i told her my decision. But truth be told i am not sire of my decision, i love A so much, i dont mind being in a position like that again, i really dont want to lose her. I spoke to her frieds and they told me to let her go shes extremely toxic ti my mebtal health, her frieds also told me while i was dating A, A told them that we were in an open relationship which was not the case. A had also told her friends that she prefers hanging out with B caise B is more fun but would like to stay with me because i am more responsible and matured and she enjoys the sex with me more. I know these are all bad signs but i love her so much. Please what should i do?
  21. You're not crazy for the things that are bothering you. You're crazy for putting up with them. I can't believe how much energy you continue to invest in what effectively amounts to self-abuse. This guy is terrible. Why are you punishing yourself by staying with him and buying into his extremely obvious lies?
  22. "Honeymoon" phase(early part of a couple's relationship where everything seems carefree and happy) lasts from 6 months to 2 years. For you, after 9 months that is over and you are starting to see cracks and wonder if you love her. If you are not feeling it after that(usually what you got left after that time is what you got from relationship), giving it more time will not change that. You would get used to her(as you did even now, hence why doubts about break up) but will probably never love her in a true sense of that word. You are both young so you both will find somebody better in time. Staying there just for the sake of it wont do any of you favors.
  23. This. 4 days is too long. Nothing to lose OP, send him a last message.
  1. Load more activity
×
×
  • Create New...