It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken : The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy
By Greg Behrendt, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt
We've been told that guys don't really buy these kinds of books. Men process breakups differently perhaps. They get drunk, stand on your lawn, scream at football players on TV, and maybe even start a band. Yet I would have really dug a book like this when I was hurting to keep me from losing my shit. Well, if you are a guy and you are reading this right now, you must be in some real pain, 'cause THIS ISA GIRL'S BOOK! Ha ha, just kidding. We wrote it with women in mind, but the steps we would recommend are exactly the same. Dude, I've been through it; that's how I knew how to write about it. But just in case you don't want to walk up to the counter and buy The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy, why don't we give you the Cliffs Notes and see if that don't help some?
Rule #1: She's Not Coming Back!
That's got to be your mind-set or you are not going to get through this. "What about when I camp out on her lawn like they do in the movies?" Bro, it's an awesome image, but as we told the ladies: In the real world, the guy who camps out on her lawn gets arrested. You will be glad you adopted this attitude early on. The only power you have in this situation is to disengage. I'm talking cold turkey for two months! That means no talking to her, seeing her, or sleeping with her. Seriously? Yes, strangely, sleeping with your ex seems to drag out the pain. Weird, huh?
Rule #2: Put Down the Beer Bong
You don't have to tell me about the sweet joys of getting f*#ked up to ease the pain of a nasty breakup. Those first shots of tequila really do the trick . . . until you're standing outside her window watching her make out with her new boyfriend. Look, we all love comfort food, whether its whiskey, ice cream (yes, men do it too), or a tasty adult feature (which you should not eat). But excessive use of any of these things just keeps you from going through the pain. Dude, it's going to hurt. Let it. Greet the pain. Say, "Hello, pain. I realize we have business, you and I, but don't get comfortable, because you're not staying." Try to honor yourself during this crappy time. The rule of thumb is, don't put it in your body if it will make you a sad fatty or get you into a fist-fight with a tree. Tree wins every time.
Rule #3: Get Yourself A Breakup Ruddy
"What? Really? Call another guy and ask him to hang out with me while I'm all sad and shit? Are you nuts?" Nuts? No. Serious? Yes. It's better than getting arrested for breaking into her place and going through her underwear drawer. Remember that scene in Swingers when Ron Livingston comes over to Jon Favreau's apartment with orange juice and salami in an effort to get him back into the world? That's what a Breakup Buddy is. Someone to check in on you to make sure you don't blow it or fall off the face of the earth, someone to give your cell phone to when you slip up and drink all of Manhattan. Someone who will return her stuff or pick up yours so you don't have to, and someone to remind you that this too shall pass.
Rule #4: Walk It Dee, Champ
A breakup is a prime opportunity to, well . . . be a man about it. Hot Shot. Wish I had heeded those words myself. I have very few regrets about my life, but man I wish I'd had some dignity during the sad-sack days. I know it's hard. There are few things worse than the feeling you get when someone isn't into you. Especially when at some point they were. It feels like you've been punched in the gut, and it's hard to motivate to do anything. Don't waste away at the PlayStation eating Cool Ranch Doritos. Take an opposite action.