Opinion: Why PDA In A Relationship Often Signals Insecurity Rather Than Love

Key Takeaways:

• Reassurance often sought publicly
• Insecurity hidden behind displays
• Control and image management
• Private affection remains authentic
• Overcompensation signals issues

You've probably witnessed it: that couple making out intensely at the bus stop, or a pair holding hands so tightly their knuckles turn white, or maybe someone sitting on their partner's lap in a restaurant, laughing just a bit too loudly to grab attention. Society tends to associate PDA in relationships with romantic passion, claiming that the more publicly affectionate you are, the stronger your love must be. But let's take a closer look. Are public displays of affection (PDAs) really about love, or do they reveal something else entirely? As a therapist who has listened to countless stories from clients grappling with self-esteem, relationship insecurities, and codependent dynamics, I have come to believe that heavy PDA in a relationship often has less to do with genuine affection and more to do with unmet emotional needs, control, and image management.

Real talk: I'm not advocating for a PDA-free world. When you feel close to your partner, holding their hand or giving them a gentle peck can feel perfectly natural. But when PDA in relationships starts to look like a stage performance—carefully choreographed and strategically executed to broadcast an image—then it's time to examine why. Human beings constantly crave validation, approval, and a sense of worth. Insecure attachment styles, low self-esteem, and cultural norms around love can push people toward grandiose displays of affection, but these displays often fail to reflect true emotional intimacy. Instead, they point to a fear of losing the other person and an internal neediness that tries to hide beneath a veneer of confidence.

I used to indulge in PDA when I was 15

Back when I was a teenager, I remember thinking that kissing in front of my classmates would prove my partner adored me. If I could show the world we were together—holding hands in the hallway, hugging long and hard by the lockers—then maybe I'd feel less insecure. I had limited self-awareness at the time, and no one told me otherwise. My friends admired relationships where couples boldly showed off their love as if parading a trophy. Teenagers often do this because they navigate a complex social world where public image can feel like everything. It's not surprising that teenagers lean on PDA. They lack the life experience to understand that authenticity in love is not something measured by who sees it but how it nurtures both partners.

Now, as an adult, I see many grown individuals never outgrow this need for public approval. They still rely on PDA in a relationship to feel safe, to feel seen, and to believe their partner values them. If you resonate with that teenage version of me, pause for a moment. Consider that love and security never depend on a public performance. Rather, they stem from mutual respect, understanding, and deep private connection.

I once orchestrated PDAs just to impress others

When I look back, I recall another layer to the story: strategic planning. Back then, I would plan when and where to engage in public affection to ensure maximum visibility. Perhaps I wanted a certain crush to notice me with my new partner, or I wanted to appear more mature to peers who were quick to judge. This tactic, while subtle, tapped into a larger phenomenon in romantic dynamics: using your partner as a prop to elevate your status. You might think no one does that intentionally as an adult, but consider those times you've seen couples showing off at a high-profile event or on social media. The underlying motive often echoes the teenage mindset—if others see me receiving or giving affection, they will assume my relationship thrives.

In reality, this performance only tells one side of the story. The intensity of PDA in relationships does not correlate with trust or emotional security. Instead, it often correlates with some form of overcompensation. Perhaps the relationship lacks private intimacy, and so the couple tries to mask it by acting passionately in front of others. Maybe the partner engaging in PDA worries about losing their significant other and tries to “mark territory” so others keep their distance. Whatever the case, orchestrating public displays of affection typically serves a purpose that has little to do with genuine love and everything to do with personal insecurities.

Public displays of affection make a grand statement about your relationship

When people engage in PDA in a relationship, they may do so to communicate a narrative: “Look how strong we are. Look how close we are.” But why does anyone need to send this message publicly? When you feel truly secure, there's no need to prove anything. Secure couples understand that genuine bond-building happens in quiet conversations, shared life goals, and mutual emotional support, not in showy kisses on a crowded street. If a couple demonstrates constant physical affection in public, it often speaks to a thirst for external validation. They try to convince the world—and maybe themselves—that they have something special. After all, who doubts a relationship that appears so comfortable with public closeness?

But remember that appearances deceive. Consider attachment theory: those with anxious attachment styles often cling tighter when they fear abandonment. PDA can work as that “cling”—a buffer against perceived threats. According to Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller in their book “Attached,” anxiously attached individuals crave consistent reassurance to alleviate fears of rejection. Public displays of affection can serve as a tool to announce “We're solid!” when underneath the surface, insecurity simmers.

Over-the-top affection in public can hide a very different private reality

I can't count how many clients I've met who confess that their partners shower them with affection when others watch but neglect them at home. Psychologically, this discrepancy can cause confusion and pain. This phenomenon often arises when partners view relationships as a means to craft a certain image. They put on a show in public but fail to invest in real emotional labor behind closed doors.

This behavior stems from a desire for control. The partner initiating excessive PDA might try to control how others perceive their bond. They fear vulnerability and genuine closeness because that would require addressing real issues, real emotions, and deeper insecurities. Instead, they rely on a surface-level display that, ironically, pushes genuine intimacy further away.

When you see a couple acting over-the-top, think about the possibility that they might be compensating for something. Their showiness could signal a fear that their relationship lacks substance. As Dr. John Gottman famously stated, “Trust is built in very small moments.” Those small, private moments matter more than any overblown public gesture. If you invest all your effort into showmanship, you miss out on building trust from the inside out. You lose the opportunity to foster genuine connection that does not rely on an audience's applause.

What really happens if you let go of your partner's hand for just a moment?

Consider this scenario: you're strolling through a busy street, holding hands with your partner. You feel compelled to maintain this connection for the entire walk. Why? Are you worried that if you let go, your partner might wander off or someone might question the state of your bond? This fear reflects a deeper insecurity. You might believe that continuous contact ensures you remain tethered. But real love doesn't vanish if you stop holding hands momentarily. Healthy relationships breathe. They allow space. Two individuals know they remain connected emotionally, even if they walk side by side without touching.

In fact, an insistence on constant physical contact can backfire. It can create pressure rather than comfort. Over time, your partner might feel smothered or sense that you do not trust the relationship's stability. Ironically, the tighter you cling, the more suffocated and less understood they might feel. Instead, consider challenging yourself. Let go of your partner's hand and recognize that your emotional bond endures. Practicing this kind of trust nurtures genuine intimacy far more than any staged public display.

Open conversations about intimacy? Yes. Forced front-row tickets? No.

I fully support honesty and openness about sex and intimacy. Partners should discuss their comfort zones, their boundaries, and what makes them feel appreciated. However, do you need to display these intimate moments for an audience who never asked to witness them? When couples engage in elaborate make-out sessions in front of strangers, it imposes their dynamic on people who have no desire to participate.

Healthy relationships respect not just each other's boundaries, but also the environment and people around them. There's a place for everything. Deeply intimate gestures belong to the sacred realm of two people who genuinely cherish each other. Broadcasting those moments often transforms them into a hollow performance. Rather than symbolizing passion, it can just leave bystanders feeling like they've intruded on something private or been forced to watch a play they never signed up for.

Sometimes, couples who insist on publicly demonstrating their sexual chemistry do so to reaffirm their desirability and confirm their power. They might say they're simply “very sexual” or “very in love,” but in truth, they use this display to grab external validation. Recognize the difference between honest, spontaneous affection and a show that feels somehow contrived. By focusing on genuine communication and understanding, you strengthen your emotional foundation, making public theatrics unnecessary.

You can feel deeply loved behind closed doors without public performances

Private affection carries a certain authenticity. When you and your partner cuddle on the couch, share a quiet meal, or exchange affectionate words in bed, you nurture a space that belongs to the two of you alone. These private moments build intimacy and trust. They provide nourishment for the relationship's roots, which anchor you during life's storms.

You might wonder: If I don't demonstrate affection publicly, how will others know I feel loved? But why must they know? Your relationship does not need a cheering crowd to validate its existence. In fact, relationships grow stronger when partners appreciate their bond without external endorsement. Feeling loved and cared for in those private interactions strengthens your self-worth and relationship satisfaction. You learn to see your partner as a source of genuine support rather than a tool to impress spectators.

Humans crave authenticity. When we constantly perform, we diminish our capacity for sincere connection. Private affection fosters vulnerability and real closeness. It allows you to drop the script and show your true selves to each other. This level of honesty encourages emotional healing, growth, and understanding—far more than a well-timed public kiss ever could.

Could PDA in relationships indicate a lack of respect?

People often assume that PDA in a relationship equals respect and adoration. After all, you wouldn't display affection if you didn't feel proud of your partner, right? However, consider whether public performance respects your partner as an individual. Does it acknowledge their comfort level? Do both partners feel equally at ease with this behavior?

In some cases, one partner insists on PDA to reassure themselves. They prioritize their own feelings over their partner's comfort. If your partner seems uncomfortable when you engage in a theatrical PDA, it signals a mismatch. Instead of respecting their boundaries, you're using them to feed your own emotional hunger. Real respect emerges when both partners feel safe, heard, and free to express or withhold affection as they choose. A forced display can belittle your partner's autonomy and inner world.

Respect also means acknowledging that love flourishes in many forms. Not everyone cares about handholding or kissing publicly. Some prefer subtle gestures, like a knowing glance or a gentle squeeze on the shoulder. True intimacy lies in understanding these personal nuances. By respecting differences in comfort levels, you create a healthier dynamic. In doing so, you remove the need to prove anything publicly because you know your partner's love runs deeper than any spectacle you could stage.

My partner and I rarely engage in PDA

My own relationship stands as a testimony to these ideas. My partner and I feel completely secure, yet we hardly ever engage in PDA. We know our bond doesn't rely on what others see. We express love in small daily rituals—shared morning coffee, supportive talks after a hard day, affectionate smiles that only the two of us understand. We don't need a public stage to validate our closeness. That freedom allows us to focus on what truly matters: building a lasting emotional connection.

Our culture loves to assign meaning to what it sees. If someone notices that we don't kiss in public, they might assume we feel distant or unhappy. But that assumption misses the truth. We simply don't need public confirmation of our love. We live it every day in private moments. Just because we don't flaunt it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. In fact, our quiet style of showing affection often proves more authentic than any showy display could.

Interpreting our bond by public standards? That's your mistake

If you see a couple who never touches each other in public, do not assume their relationship suffers. Likewise, if you see a couple locked in a passionate embrace in a crowded park, do not presume theirs is the ideal love. Public behavior rarely reflects the complexities hidden beneath the surface. Each relationship has its own language, its own set of unspoken rules, and its unique style of connection.

Couples who refrain from PDA might prioritize emotional intimacy over image. They do not feel the need to prove their love under the spotlight. They trust each other. They understand that love can exist and even thrive without public displays. On the other hand, couples who engage in excessive PDA may indeed feel close, but it's worth questioning the motives and the authenticity behind it. We must remember that not all who proclaim love publicly mean it deeply, and not all who keep their affection private lack it.

In truth, there's nothing inherently wrong with showing some affection publicly. The problem arises when couples use PDA in a relationship as a crutch for insecurity and a shortcut to self-worth. When that happens, no matter how impressive the display, it never resolves the root issue: the inability to feel safe, loved, and valued without external validation. Instead, partners should aim to cultivate emotional security from within, relying on healthy communication, empathy, and understanding rather than theatrical demonstrations.

So, what can you do if you suspect PDA in your relationship stems from insecurity, rather than love?

First, acknowledge your feelings. Ask yourself why you feel the need to display affection so publicly. Do you fear losing your partner? Are you trying to prove something to yourself or others? Reflect on whether you truly feel confident in your relationship's stability. If not, consider talking openly with your partner about these concerns. Instead of orchestrating grand shows, focus on building trust and understanding behind closed doors. Explore each other's love languages, have honest conversations about insecurities, and seek professional help if needed.

This process might feel uncomfortable at first, but it can transform your bond. When you shift from performance to authenticity, you open the door to richer emotional intimacy. You learn to rely on each other's presence, words, and deeds, rather than the approving gaze of strangers. Ironically, when you feel secure privately, you might find yourself engaging in natural, unplanned acts of affection in public—acts that arise from genuine connection rather than anxiety-driven compulsion.

Life offers so many beautiful ways to experience love: the quiet contentment of watching a movie together at home, the understanding smile after a shared joke that only you two comprehend, the comforting warmth of a hug after a challenging day. These moments don't rely on an audience. They don't scream for attention. They whisper authenticity, telling you that your relationship flourishes from the inside, no matter who's watching.

Ultimately, PDA in relationships doesn't always reflect insecurity. Some couples feel comfortable kissing or holding hands wherever they go, and that's perfectly fine. But if you find yourself feeling anxious or uneasy without an audience, ask yourself what you're trying to prove. Dig deeper into your psyche. True love never needs a spotlight to feel real. Real love shines brightest in the honest, unguarded spaces that exist solely for the two people who share it.

Recommended Resources

• “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller
• “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
• “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel
• “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson
• “The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples” by John M. Gottman