How to Be Less Selfish in Relationship (27 Tips)

Key Takeaways:

Empathy strengthens relationships
Active listening matters
Make sacrifices for your partner
Mind your selfish behaviors
Gratitude nurtures love

Have you ever wondered why your partner seems distant or frustrated? You're not alone. Relationships are complex, and our selfish tendencies often create invisible walls that erode connection over time. But don't worry—understanding the psychology behind self-centered behavior can change everything.

Many of us struggle with selfishness in relationships without even realizing it. The problem often stems from the way we were conditioned growing up or from unresolved insecurities. As Dr. Harriet Lerner explains in her book The Dance of Connection, “Anxiety in relationships causes people to prioritize self-preservation over the vulnerability required to truly connect.” This means that we need to become more mindful and intentional in our actions.

Let's explore how we can be less selfish and more giving in our relationships. Buckle up, because empathy, communication, and self-awareness are about to become your new best friends!

What does being selfish mean in a relationship?

Being selfish in a relationship isn't always about grand, obvious acts of neglect or entitlement. Often, it's the subtle ways we center our own needs and desires above our partner's. Maybe you constantly choose the movies, meals, or vacation spots that suit you. Or perhaps you forget to ask how their day went but expect them to care deeply about yours.

Selfishness in a relationship manifests as a pattern of prioritizing oneself, sometimes without realizing it. We might ignore our partner's needs because we're focused on our own comfort or achievements. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, emphasizes the need for a balance of power and reciprocity. He notes, “Successful relationships require generosity, which means giving without always expecting something in return.” So, when we fail to meet this balance, our selfishness can slowly chip away at the foundation of trust and intimacy.

In short, being selfish in a relationship doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means there's room for growth and improvement. Recognizing it is the first step to healing and nurturing the bond you share with your partner.

How to stop being selfish in a relationship: 27 ways

Ready to change things up? The path to being less selfish is paved with small yet significant actions. Let's break down 27 actionable tips to transform your relationship and show your partner you're willing to make a change.

1. Learn to empathize

Empathy is the magic ingredient that transforms relationships. But how do we practice it? It starts with understanding your partner's emotions and experiences. Try to put yourself in their shoes, not just when it's convenient, but especially during conflicts.

Remember, empathy isn't about solving their problems; it's about feeling with them. Brené Brown explains, “Empathy fuels connection, while sympathy drives disconnection.” Focus on being present and listening without judgment. You'll be surprised how this simple shift can soften even the hardest hearts.

2. Ask your partner questions and listen

We sometimes think we know everything about our partners. But do we truly know what they're going through daily? Asking thoughtful questions is an art. It makes your partner feel valued and understood. Questions like, “What's been on your mind lately?” or “How can I support you today?” can create space for meaningful conversations.

Listening, however, is where the magic happens. Don't interrupt, don't assume, and certainly don't listen just to reply. Instead, listen to understand. Show genuine curiosity. Even the longest relationships can benefit from deep, intentional listening. You might discover something new about the person you love, even years down the road.

3. Make your partner a top priority

Life gets busy, and it's easy to lose sight of the person standing beside you. Making your partner a top priority doesn't mean ignoring everything else—it means being intentional. When they're talking, put down your phone. When they need you, reschedule your plans if possible. These actions show your partner that they come first.

It's the small sacrifices that make a big difference. If your partner has an important event, show up for them, no matter what. Prioritizing your partner can transform your relationship. It fosters a sense of safety and love that brings you closer together.

4. Do kind things for your partner

Kindness costs nothing but means everything. Simple gestures like making your partner's favorite breakfast, writing a sweet note, or offering a surprise massage go a long way. It's about showing thoughtfulness in the everyday moments.

These acts of kindness may seem minor, but they tell your partner, “I see you, I appreciate you, and I care about your happiness.” Research even shows that performing acts of kindness can strengthen emotional bonds and increase relationship satisfaction.

5. Participate in your partner's hobbies

Is your partner passionate about something you don't quite understand? Join them anyway. Showing genuine interest in their hobbies communicates your care and curiosity. It doesn't mean you have to become an expert, but it does mean engaging and having fun.

For instance, if they love hiking, take a trail walk together. If they enjoy painting, try a beginner's class. These shared experiences help build a reservoir of happy memories. Remember, it's about the effort, not the skill.

6. Recognize your partner's independent life

Your partner isn't just an extension of you—they have dreams, friendships, and goals that exist independently. Recognizing this is crucial. Encourage them to pursue their passions, and don't take it personally when they need space.

Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect. Acknowledging your partner's autonomy helps create a balanced, fulfilling dynamic. After all, two whole people make a stronger partnership than two halves clinging for security.

7. Quit expecting constant favors

Let's face it: relationships shouldn't revolve around one partner constantly doing favors for the other. If you find yourself always asking for things without offering anything in return, it's time for a shift. A healthy relationship thrives on a balance of give and take.

Stop expecting your partner to drop everything to cater to your needs. Be more self-sufficient, and if they do something for you, express genuine gratitude. Relationships are partnerships, not one-sided service agreements.

8. Compromise often

Compromise. It's a word that makes some of us cringe, but it's absolutely vital for relationship harmony. You won't always see eye-to-eye with your partner. You may have different tastes, routines, or life goals.

But compromise isn't about one person giving in completely. It's about finding a middle ground where both partners feel heard and respected. You might alternate picking date night activities or agree to visit each other's families equally during the holidays. These small but meaningful compromises show that you're invested in making the relationship work for both of you.

9. Focus on your partner

When was the last time you genuinely focused on your partner? In our hyper-connected world, distractions lurk everywhere. But taking the time to truly see and hear your partner makes a world of difference.

Pay attention to their stories, dreams, and even the small details of their day. Remember, it's easy to get so wrapped up in our own world that we forget to fully engage. Prioritize these moments of undivided attention—it's a love language all on its own.

10. Stop treating your partner like property

We've all heard the phrase, “You don't own your partner.” Yet sometimes, our actions say otherwise. Treating your partner like property—being overly controlling, possessive, or limiting their freedom—will only suffocate the relationship.

Understand that they are an individual with their own wants and needs. Trust them. If you struggle with this, reflect on where these feelings come from. Often, they stem from insecurity or fear of losing them. Address those fears within yourself, not by controlling your partner.

11. Be thoughtful and caring

Thoughtfulness is the glue that binds two hearts together. It's about noticing what your partner needs, even when they don't say it. Maybe they're having a rough week at work—pick up dinner so they don't have to cook. If they've been stressed, draw them a warm bath. These little gestures show that you care and that you're tuned into their emotional world.

Being thoughtful doesn't require grand romantic gestures. It's the consistent, everyday acts of love and consideration that make your partner feel deeply valued.

12. Seek and appreciate their opinions

Your partner's voice matters. When making decisions—big or small—ask for their input. Whether you're choosing a new apartment or deciding on a movie, showing that you value their perspective creates a sense of partnership.

And don't just ask for the sake of it. Genuinely consider their viewpoints, even if you don't always agree. It's about creating a dialogue where both partners feel empowered to share and contribute. This habit fosters respect and strengthens your emotional connection.

13. Be mindful of your selfish behaviors

Self-awareness is key to making meaningful changes in your relationship. Take a moment to reflect on how you behave when you're feeling stressed, tired, or overwhelmed. Do you shut down or lash out? Do you expect your partner to cater to you without considering their feelings?

It's hard to admit when we're being selfish, but recognizing these behaviors allows us to break unhealthy patterns. Keep a journal if you need to track your actions and identify triggers. This simple step can lead to profound growth and understanding.

14. Show generosity in your relationship

Generosity doesn't just mean giving material gifts. It's about giving your time, energy, and emotional support. Offer your partner a helping hand when they're struggling, or give them your full attention when they need to talk.

Be generous with your affection, your patience, and your love. Sometimes, it means making sacrifices for their happiness. Remember, generosity breeds a spirit of warmth and reciprocity in a relationship. When you give freely, your partner feels valued and cherished.

15. Address your partner's needs

Meeting your partner's needs isn't about becoming a doormat. It's about listening and understanding what they require to feel loved and secure. Do they need words of affirmation, quality time, or practical acts of service? Everyone is different.

Sometimes, addressing their needs means having hard conversations. Other times, it's as simple as showing up and being there. Make an effort to understand your partner's love language and cater to it. Doing so will transform the way you connect with each other.

16. Avoid misplacing anger onto your partner

We've all been guilty of coming home angry from work and taking it out on the person we love most. It's unfair, but it happens. The truth is, misplacing your anger can be extremely damaging.

Before you vent or snap, pause. Ask yourself: “Is my partner really the source of my frustration, or am I projecting?” If you need space to cool off, communicate that instead of lashing out. Learning to manage your emotions responsibly creates a healthier and more respectful dynamic.

17. Take on more responsibilities

Relationships require teamwork. If you notice your partner handling the bulk of household chores, emotional labor, or financial planning, step up and share the load. It's not only fair; it's essential for mutual respect and balance.

Don't wait for them to ask for help. Take the initiative. Doing so shows that you're committed to an equal partnership and value the effort they put in. Remember, carrying your share of responsibilities is a form of love in action.

18. Celebrate important occasions

Never underestimate the power of celebration. Anniversaries, birthdays, and even small milestones deserve recognition. Celebrating shows your partner that you cherish the moments that make your relationship unique.

You don't have to throw extravagant parties. Sometimes, a heartfelt card or a simple home-cooked dinner is enough to make your partner feel special. The act of celebrating builds joyful memories and reinforces the bond you share.

19. Give daily compliments

Who doesn't love feeling appreciated? Compliments are simple yet powerful ways to make your partner feel loved and admired. Make it a habit to acknowledge something you genuinely appreciate about them every day. It could be their smile, their kindness, or even how hard they work.

But make sure your compliments are sincere. Saying something meaningful holds far more weight than generic praise. “I love how you always brighten my day with your humor” resonates much deeper than a half-hearted “You look nice.”

20. Never exploit your partner

Exploitation in a relationship can take many forms. It might be financial, emotional, or even physical. No matter what, using your partner for personal gain without regard for their well-being is toxic and harmful. If you find yourself expecting them to handle responsibilities you can manage yourself, rethink your actions.

Mutual respect is non-negotiable. Your partner is not there to be used or manipulated. Relationships should feel safe and nurturing for both people involved, not transactional or one-sided.

21. Let go of your ego

Ego. It's the silent relationship killer that can turn loving conversations into heated battles. Sometimes, we refuse to apologize or admit we're wrong because our ego stands in the way. But holding on to pride can create lasting resentment.

Humility isn't a weakness; it's a strength. Being willing to compromise or apologize shows emotional maturity. Letting go of your ego might be uncomfortable, but it's often the secret to deeper, more authentic connection.

22. Be considerate in intimacy

Physical intimacy isn't just about personal pleasure. It's a dance that requires mutual trust, communication, and attentiveness. Be mindful of your partner's comfort and desires. Ask what they like, and more importantly, listen.

Respect boundaries. Don't make assumptions about what they want or need. Open communication is key to a fulfilling intimate life, and being considerate builds a deeper level of trust and intimacy.

23. Watch for non-verbal signals

Your partner doesn't always have to use words to communicate how they feel. Body language can reveal what they're experiencing, whether it's crossed arms, lack of eye contact, or a warm smile. Paying attention to these cues shows that you're in tune with their emotional state.

If you notice signs of discomfort, ask gently if they're okay. Non-verbal signals often provide insight into feelings they may find hard to express. It's a subtle way of showing that you care and are paying attention.

24. Limit talking about yourself

We all love to share our stories, but a conversation should be a two-way street. If you notice you're dominating discussions or constantly steering conversations back to yourself, make an effort to change that.

Ask more questions. Show interest in your partner's experiences and opinions. Not only does this help you learn more about them, but it also fosters a sense of connection and respect. Balance is everything when it comes to communication.

25. Show regular affection

Affection isn't just about grand gestures. It's in the small things: a gentle touch, a warm hug, or even holding hands while walking down the street. Physical and verbal expressions of love can strengthen the bond you share with your partner. Make it a point to show affection regularly.

A simple “I love you” or a kiss on the forehead can mean the world. Don't underestimate the power of these seemingly minor acts. They build a sense of security and belonging that words alone can't capture.

26. Practice daily gratitude

Gratitude transforms relationships. Take a moment each day to reflect on what you're thankful for in your partner. Maybe it's the way they make you laugh or how they remember your favorite coffee order. Tell them.

Expressing appreciation isn't just about saying thank you. It's about noticing and valuing the little things. Gratitude fosters a positive environment where love can thrive and grow, even during challenging times.

27. Be receptive to feedback and adapt

Feedback can be hard to hear, especially when it's about how we hurt or disappoint our partner. But being open to constructive criticism is crucial for growth. Listen without getting defensive. Reflect on what they're saying, and see it as an opportunity to strengthen your bond.

Once you understand their concerns, be willing to adapt. Changes don't have to be immediate or perfect, but effort matters. Your partner will notice and appreciate your commitment to improving the relationship.

5 possible causes of selfish behavior in a relationship

Understanding why we act selfishly can help us change those behaviors. Here are five common causes that may be contributing to self-centered actions in your relationship.

1. Insecurity

Insecurity often drives selfish behavior. When we don't feel good about ourselves, we may overcompensate by seeking constant validation or prioritizing our needs to feel more secure. This can make us appear self-absorbed, even if our intentions aren't malicious.

Addressing these insecurities often requires self-reflection and, in some cases, professional support. When we feel secure in who we are, we're more likely to be generous and empathetic partners.

2. Upbringing

Our childhood shapes us in profound ways. If you grew up in an environment where your needs were prioritized or where selfish behavior was modeled as normal, it's easy to carry those habits into adult relationships. Maybe your parents never taught you to share or consider others' feelings, and as a result, putting yourself first became second nature.

The good news is that these behaviors aren't set in stone. Self-awareness and a willingness to change can help you unlearn unhealthy patterns and build more balanced, loving connections with your partner.

3. Cultural influences

Cultural values also play a significant role in how we act within relationships. Some cultures emphasize individualism and self-reliance, while others prioritize community and collective well-being. If you grew up in a society that stresses looking out for number one, being selfish might seem normal or even necessary.

However, awareness of these cultural influences allows you to consciously choose a different path. Consider adopting more collective, relationship-focused behaviors if they align better with the dynamics you want to create with your partner.

4. Weak perspective-taking skills

Perspective-taking is the ability to understand and empathize with someone else's point of view. If this skill is underdeveloped, it can make you seem self-centered. You may struggle to grasp how your actions impact your partner or why they feel hurt by something you said or did.

Fortunately, perspective-taking can be improved with practice. Engage in exercises that help you step into your partner's shoes. Ask yourself, “How would I feel if the roles were reversed?” These moments of empathy can bring you closer and reduce selfish tendencies.

5. Emotional immaturity

Emotional maturity doesn't come automatically with age. It involves managing your emotions, taking responsibility for your actions, and being able to put your partner's needs ahead of your own when necessary. If you find it difficult to compromise or tend to throw tantrums when things don't go your way, emotional immaturity could be the culprit.

Working on emotional growth is a lifelong journey. Reading self-help books, attending therapy, or simply being more mindful of your reactions can all contribute to developing healthier, more mature ways of relating to your partner.

To sum up

Being less selfish in a relationship takes effort, but it's worth it. It starts with self-awareness and continues with a commitment to change. From practicing empathy to showing gratitude, each step you take will bring you closer to a more harmonious and loving partnership.

Remember, no one is perfect. We all have moments of selfishness, but what matters most is our willingness to grow and be better for the ones we love.

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