Confused in Love: Learning to Choose for Yourself

Love can be a funny thing. It’s something we can never fully understand or control. We don’t know when it will show up and once it’s here, it can be hard to navigate and make sense of it all.

This is especially true when you find yourself in the situation of having two people you care about in your life. That experience—of being confused in love—can be both emotionally and mentally exhausting. If you’re currently feeling torn between two loves and don’t know what to do, we’re here to help.

First, it’s important to remember that whatever decision you make, it is ultimately up to you. You will have to live with that decision—so make sure it’s one that you are comfortable living with and that aligns with your values and goals.

The idea of making a decision can be overwhelming, so try to break it down into smaller steps. For example, first ask yourself this question: which person brings out the best in me? This means looking at how each person helps to positively influence who you are and how you act both inside and outside of the relationship. Who motivates you to be better, encourages you, and builds you up? Whose presence in your life causes growth rather than stagnation?

Then, consider what sort of future would be best for you. What are your goals and your dreams? Which partner best supports them? For instance, if your goal is to travel the world and you’re torn between two partners—one who won’t leave their home town and another who wants to take you on a grand adventure—the decision may be easier to make than you think.

But if it’s not quite so black and white, see if you can pinpoint what types of qualities each person brings to the table. What do you need from a partner, both now and in the future? Think in terms of qualities such as honesty, empathy, communication, trust, and support. Ask yourself which person fits the bill more and why.

It’s also important to reflect on the past. Retrace the steps you’ve taken over the course of your relationship with both people. Consider where they have been helpful, where they have been hurtful, whether they have been consistent, and if there have been any drastic changes in the dynamics. Even if this doesn’t give you a clear answer right away, taking time to reflect can provide invaluable insight that you can use to make an informed decision.

And finally, when you feel like you’re ready, trust your gut. You don’t have to choose one person right away. Take some time to sit with your thoughts, your emotions, and the various facets of your relationship with each person. You may not walk away with a clear winner, but often it’s best to follow your instincts and see where that leads you.

It’s important to remember that you are the one who carries your own truth. No matter how confused you may be feeling, remind yourself that only you can decide what is right for your own heart. The right path forward isn’t always obvious, but no matter what kind of decision you end up making it’s important to make sure it’s one you can stand behind.