7 Signs You're Just an Option (Here's Why)

Key Takeaways:

• Recognize inconsistent behavior patterns
• Trust your intuition when feeling uneasy
• Non-committal language is a red flag
• Prioritize your emotional well-being
• Mixed signals often mean lack of interest

Ever feel like you're always on the sidelines in your relationship, waiting for crumbs of attention? Being in a situation where you're unsure of your place can be soul-crushing. Love and connection should make us feel valued, not question our worth. So why do some people keep us around as an option?

Let's talk about this rollercoaster of uncertainty. As psychotherapist Esther Perel famously said, “Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy.” But when someone keeps you as an option, your autonomy often feels trampled, and there's barely any real surrender from their end. We deserve mutual respect and a sense of security, not ambiguous games.

17 revealing signs you're just an option

Relationships are complicated. When you're emotionally invested, it's easy to overlook the signs that your partner may not be as committed as you are. We all crave reassurance and genuine care, yet sometimes, we find ourselves clinging to fleeting moments of affection and wondering, “Am I just an option to them?” Here are 17 undeniable signs to watch for when you're caught in the murky waters of uncertainty.

1. Their communication lacks consistency

One day they're blowing up your phone, making you feel like the center of their universe. The next? Silence. When someone genuinely cares, their communication is reliable. They reach out not because they have to, but because they want to keep you involved in their life.

Inconsistency can leave us feeling anxious. Psychologists link this feeling to the concept of “intermittent reinforcement,” where unpredictable responses (like hot and cold communication) cause us to crave more. This inconsistency is the same tactic used in addictive behavior, and it's a major red flag in any relationship.

2. Making last-minute plans is the norm

When someone really values you, they make plans in advance. It's that simple. Yet, if they constantly reach out when everything else falls through, you're likely just an option.

Imagine this: They text late on a Friday night, asking if you're free to hang out. No regard for whether you've made plans or need time to prepare. It's as if they expect you to be perpetually available, and that's unfair. True partnerships thrive on mutual respect for each other's time and commitments.

Waiting for someone who never prioritizes you can be draining. We've all heard, “People make time for what's important to them.” If you're frequently a last-minute choice, you know where you stand.

3. They use non-committal language

“Let's see how things go,” or “I'm just enjoying the moment right now.” Sound familiar? Non-committal language keeps you guessing and never truly secure. It's like they're laying just enough groundwork to keep you hopeful, without building anything real.

In her book Attached, Dr. Amir Levine explains that people with avoidant attachment styles often speak this way. They avoid labels and commitments because of their internal fear of closeness. However, your needs for stability and clarity are just as valid.

Let's be real: If they can't express their intentions clearly, they're likely not planning for a future with you. You deserve someone who talks about “we” and not just “”

4. You don't appear on their social media

In today's digital world, social media is a big deal. If they're active on platforms and share snippets of their life but never include you, it's time to question why. Maybe they're hiding something, or perhaps they're just not willing to publicly claim you as their partner.

Think about it: If they're sharing meals, trips, or even mundane moments but never your time together, it can feel hurtful. It's as if they're keeping you separate from their public persona. People who are proud to be with someone often can't wait to share that happiness with the world.

Now, I'm not saying they need to post a couple's selfie every day. But some acknowledgment shows they're not afraid of others knowing about your relationship. Silence speaks volumes, and you deserve more than secrecy.

5. Avoiding relationship labels

We've all heard the classic, “Let's not put a label on things.” It sounds liberating at first, almost like an adventure. But if your partner constantly shies away from defining what you are to each other, it's a sign that commitment isn't on their radar.

When someone genuinely wants a future with you, they aren't scared of labels. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that a clear understanding of each other's expectations forms the basis of a healthy relationship. Without it, you're left grasping at straws, never sure where you stand.

Don't get stuck in limbo, hoping they'll eventually make it official. Your time and emotional investment deserve clarity, not perpetual ambiguity.

6. Steering clear of serious conversations

Try to bring up the future, or talk about where your relationship is headed, and they change the subject. Quickly. You might notice they get defensive or act like you're being unreasonable for wanting to discuss meaningful topics.

This avoidance creates a huge emotional disconnect. Relationships are built on shared values, dreams, and understanding. If they constantly evade talking about big issues, it's likely because they don't see a long-term future—or worse, they don't care enough to think about it.

Remember, mature love involves navigating the tough stuff together. If they can't handle serious conversations now, don't expect that to magically change down the line.

7. They're barely available to you

We make time for the people who matter most. But if your partner only seems present when it suits them, you're probably not high on their priority list.

Notice how they're always “busy,” even for simple hangouts or just a quick phone call. Emergencies and packed schedules happen, sure, but perpetual unavailability tells a different story. Are you always waiting for their next free moment, feeling sidelined?

It's an emotionally exhausting dynamic. You deserve someone who wants to be around you, not someone you have to beg for attention.

8. There's no real emotional depth

Conversations with them are surface-level. Sure, you may laugh about a funny video or talk about your favorite movies, but when it comes to sharing fears, hopes, or meaningful memories? It feels one-sided.

True connection is more than liking the same TV shows. It's about sharing experiences, being vulnerable, and showing genuine interest in each other's inner world. If you can't remember a time they opened up emotionally, you're likely stuck in shallow waters.

Psychologists often emphasize the importance of emotional intimacy. Dr. Brené Brown describes vulnerability as “the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” Without it, what you have isn't true closeness—it's a shallow stand-in for real intimacy.

9. Your gut instinct tells you something's off

We underestimate our intuition far too often. Your gut feeling is a powerful tool, and when it's screaming that something isn't right, listen. Maybe you can't pinpoint exactly what's bothering you, but that uneasiness gnaws at you every time you're together—or worse, every time you're apart.

We often ignore this instinct, hoping things will improve. But, as relationship expert Dr. Harriet Lerner explains, “Your gut is your inner GPS, steering you in the direction of what feels true and authentic.” Trust it. If it's telling you this relationship doesn't feel secure, it's probably because it isn't.

10. They reply only when convenient

How many times have you waited, staring at your phone, hoping for a text back? When they finally respond, it's hours—sometimes even days—later, and only when it suits them. Communication in a healthy relationship doesn't feel like a game of tag.

If someone truly values you, they won't leave you hanging. They'll prioritize getting back to you, even when life gets busy. It's about making an effort. If they're only responding when it's easy for them, they're showing you how much (or how little) they care.

Don't settle for being a convenience.

11. You're the one always reaching out

Let's be real: relationships should have balance. If you're constantly initiating texts, calls, or plans, it feels like you're carrying the entire weight of the connection. Exhausting, isn't it?

Love and care are reciprocal. When you're the only one putting in effort, the relationship becomes one-sided and leaves you feeling drained. This pattern signals that you're more invested than they are. You deserve someone who is just as eager to reach out and stay connected.

12. They don't care when you're not around

Imagine you're absent for a few days—no texts, no calls, nothing. Does your partner even notice? If they seem indifferent to your absence, it's a major red flag. When someone cares about you, they miss you when you're not there. Simple as that.

Feeling like you wouldn't be missed if you vanished isn't just sad; it's heartbreaking. It shows a lack of genuine emotional investment. Someone who is truly invested in you won't be able to hide how much they care when you're gone.

13. Their behavior is full of mixed signals

Mixed signals are a frustrating puzzle. One day, they're affectionate and present. The next, they're cold and distant. These ups and downs leave you confused and insecure. Are you misreading things, or are they intentionally keeping you off balance?

Psychologically, this back-and-forth behavior creates an emotional rollercoaster that can feel almost addictive. Your brain gets hooked on the unpredictability, hoping for another hit of affection. But healthy love isn't a guessing game. You deserve consistency and clarity, not emotional whiplash.

14. They keep their options open

They casually mention other people or keep their dating profiles active. Even when they're with you, they seem to be scanning the room or checking their phone for messages. It's a painful reminder that you're not their priority.

Keeping options open isn't just disrespectful; it's a sign they're not ready to fully commit. As dating coach Matthew Hussey points out, “Someone who is serious about you won't need a backup plan.” You deserve someone who chooses you without hesitation.

Don't let someone string you along while they wait for something “better” to come along. You are not an option; you're worth a real, wholehearted commitment.

15. Their convenience always comes first

Have you noticed how plans only happen when it's convenient for them? They call the shots, choosing times and places that fit into their schedule. Your preferences rarely seem to matter.

When someone genuinely values a relationship, they compromise and make sacrifices. It's not all about what suits them. If their convenience always trumps your comfort, they're prioritizing themselves, not you. And that stings.

Your needs are just as important. Don't let them push you into a dynamic where you're always bending to their will. Healthy relationships find a balance between both partners' wants and needs.

16. Commitment to plans is nonexistent

How many times have they bailed on you at the last minute? Canceling dinner dates, flaking on movie nights, or simply “forgetting” commitments? If they struggle to follow through with plans, it's because you aren't a priority.

Commitment-phobia often shows up this way. They keep things vague, never giving you a solid yes or a reliable follow-up. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, suggests that a lack of commitment to plans reveals a deeper reluctance to invest.

Plans don't have to be set in stone, but some consistency shows they care. If they're always unpredictable, it's time to question whether they truly value spending time with you.

17. Exclusivity isn't in the picture

You've been seeing each other for a while, yet the conversation about exclusivity never happens—or worse, they outright avoid it. You deserve someone who wants to be all in, not someone keeping one foot out the door.

Maybe they justify it with, “I'm not ready for labels,” or say things like, “Let's not rush.” But if you've been investing time and emotions, this delay isn't fair to you. The longer they postpone exclusivity, the clearer it becomes: they aren't serious about a committed relationship.

You deserve someone who proudly claims you as their partner, not someone keeping you in a perpetual state of uncertainty.

FAQs

Is it worth waiting for someone who sees you as an option?

Waiting for someone who doesn't prioritize you is a gamble—one that rarely pays off. People can change, but it's often only when they're truly ready and motivated to do so. You shouldn't put your life on hold hoping they'll come around. Focus on your own happiness and well-being instead.

As therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab puts it, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Sometimes, letting go is the best way to protect your heart.

How should I respond if I feel like I'm just an option?

First, take a step back. Breathe. Assess the situation without letting your emotions take over. If you feel undervalued, it's essential to advocate for your needs. Have a candid conversation about how you feel and what you need in a relationship. Use “I” statements, like, “I feel neglected when plans are canceled without notice.” This way, you communicate your experience without sounding accusatory.

But remember, if you express your feelings and nothing changes, you may need to consider walking away. Self-respect and emotional health matter more than holding onto a relationship that only offers you pain and uncertainty.

And don't blame yourself. Sometimes, we stay in situations that hurt us because of hope, love, or fear of being alone. But you deserve more than being someone's backup plan.

What emotional effects might I experience from being treated as an option?

Being treated as an option can be a silent emotional drain. It erodes your self-esteem, making you question your worth. The constant uncertainty and emotional rollercoaster can lead to anxiety, stress, and even symptoms of depression.

Over time, these feelings can make you doubt your ability to trust others, and the emotional toll doesn't just disappear when you leave the relationship. It lingers, making it crucial to invest in self-care and healing. Seek support from friends, family, or even a therapist. Your well-being matters.

It's painful to feel like you aren't good enough for someone to choose wholeheartedly, but that's a reflection of their inability to commit—not your value as a person.

Can a relationship recover from this dynamic?

Yes, but only if both partners are genuinely willing to put in the work. The person who treated you as an option must recognize the hurt they've caused and take responsibility for changing their behavior. Open, honest communication and a commitment to make you feel secure are non-negotiables.

Therapy, both individual and couples, can help navigate this rocky terrain. But keep in mind, change takes time and consistency. If you see genuine effort and feel your needs are being met, the relationship may stand a chance.

However, if the dynamic remains unchanged despite promises, don't be afraid to put yourself first. Sometimes, letting go is the healthiest option for both of you.

Summing up

Recognizing when you're being treated as an option is difficult but essential for your emotional well-being. You deserve a relationship where your partner chooses you fully, without hesitation or mixed signals. Trust your instincts, advocate for your needs, and remember: a healthy love feels secure, not confusing.

Whether you choose to stay and work things out or walk away to prioritize your happiness, know that you're worthy of genuine, unwavering love.

Recommended Resources

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
• Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend