7 Clear Signs He's Using You (And What To Do)

Key Takeaways:

• Spot manipulation and red flags.
• Prioritize your emotional well-being.
• Know when to walk away.
• Set boundaries in relationships.
• Recognize unhealthy dynamics early.

When you're in a relationship, you deserve to feel loved, valued, and appreciated. Yet, sometimes, the red flags that a guy might be using you get lost in the fog of emotional attachment. This isn't about blaming yourself—it's about becoming aware and empowered.

Psychologist Dr. Robert Sternberg, known for his Triangular Theory of Love, notes that real love requires intimacy, passion, and commitment. If one of these pillars is missing, it may signal an imbalance. Manipulators often take advantage of this void, leaving us feeling drained instead of uplifted.

If you've been questioning your relationship, let's dive into the clear signs that a man might be using you and what you can do about it. Trust your instincts—you're not alone in this.

20 Signs He's Using You

When a man is truly invested in you, he doesn't just claim a piece of your heart—he cares for your emotional well-being, your dreams, and your individuality. However, not all relationships are built on mutual respect and love. Sometimes, the signs a guy is using you are subtle but devastating. Let's unpack these red flags together.

Knowing these signs doesn't just help you identify unhealthy patterns—it's a step toward reclaiming your self-worth and finding the love you truly deserve.

1. He closes himself off

One of the most glaring signs he's using you is when he keeps a wall around his emotions. Does he shy away from meaningful conversations or refuse to open up about his life? This emotional unavailability often leaves you feeling like an outsider, even in moments of intimacy. Relationships thrive on vulnerability, but when he keeps you at arm's length, it's a clear sign of imbalance.

Psychologist Brené Brown emphasizes that vulnerability is the cornerstone of trust and connection. Without it, you're left navigating a relationship with someone who may only be interested in taking, not giving.

2. Your conversations lack depth

Are your conversations stuck in the shallow end of the emotional pool? If he's only engaging in surface-level topics—what's for dinner or how your day was—but avoids discussing future plans or your feelings, it's a red flag. Depth in conversations is how we form genuine connections. Without it, the relationship may feel transactional.

Sometimes, this behavior hints that he doesn't see you as a long-term partner. He may keep the dialogue light to avoid emotional investment. Pay attention to how often he deflects or changes the subject when things get personal.

3. He dismisses your feelings

Feeling unheard or invalidated in a relationship is draining. If you express your feelings or concerns, and he brushes them off or makes you feel overly emotional, it's a sign he lacks respect for your emotional experience. A healthy partner values your perspective and seeks to understand it, not belittle it.

Gaslighting, a form of emotional manipulation, often shows up here. He may twist situations to make you question your own emotions or reactions. If this resonates, it's a serious warning sign to address.

4. You're not in his circle

When a man is genuinely interested in you, he'll want to integrate you into his life. Have you met his friends or family? If not, this could be one of the signs a guy is using you. Keeping you at a distance from his inner circle suggests he's not fully committed.

Think about how he behaves when you're out in public or when the idea of meeting his loved ones comes up. If he's consistently vague or avoids introducing you, it could indicate that he sees you as temporary rather than permanent.

5. He avoids commitment talk

When the topic of commitment comes up, does he dodge it like a pro? Maybe he changes the subject, laughs it off, or outright says he's “not ready for anything serious.” While everyone has their own timeline, a consistent refusal to discuss where the relationship is heading could indicate he's keeping his options open. It's one of the classic signs a guy is using you, particularly if he's enjoying the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities.

Commitment phobia, often linked to past emotional wounds or fear of vulnerability, might be at play here. But the question to ask yourself is: Are you okay waiting indefinitely for someone to decide if you're worth it?

6. He asks for too many favors

Does he rely on you for emotional support, financial help, or even practical tasks without reciprocating? If you feel like his personal assistant or bank rather than a valued partner, it's a glaring sign. Healthy relationships are about mutual support, not one-sided effort.

Watch for patterns. If he only calls you when he needs something, this behavior may be less about love and more about convenience. It's a form of exploitation, often dressed up as charm or helplessness. Don't ignore it.

7. He never compromises

Compromise is the backbone of any relationship. When one partner refuses to meet in the middle, it creates a power imbalance. Do your plans always revolve around his preferences? Does he dismiss your suggestions or refuse to adjust his schedule?

This rigidity often stems from selfishness or a lack of emotional investment. A man who genuinely values you will work toward solutions that make both of you happy. If he doesn't, it's time to reevaluate the dynamic.

8. He's selfish in intimacy

Intimacy is more than physical connection—it's about mutual respect, pleasure, and vulnerability. If he focuses solely on his needs, leaving yours as an afterthought, it reflects deeper selfish tendencies. This isn't just about what happens in the bedroom; it's about how he values you as a partner.

Author Esther Perel, in her book Mating in Captivity, emphasizes that fulfilling intimacy requires curiosity about the other person's desires and needs. If he isn't willing to explore what makes you feel valued, it's a sign he's prioritizing himself over the relationship.

9. You don't feel valued

Have you ever felt like a placeholder in his life? Maybe he forgets important dates, rarely compliments you, or fails to acknowledge your efforts. When someone truly cares about you, they go out of their way to make you feel appreciated.

If you constantly feel overlooked or unimportant, it's one of the strongest signs a guy is using you. Relationships are about mutual respect and value, not about one person taking the other for granted. Don't settle for someone who doesn't make you feel special.

10. He lacks physical affection

Physical affection is a significant way we express love and connection. Whether it's holding hands, a kiss on the forehead, or cuddling on the couch, these small gestures show care and intimacy. If he avoids these moments altogether, it might reflect emotional detachment or a lack of genuine interest in building closeness.

When there's a noticeable absence of physical affection, it's worth asking yourself: Is he keeping you at a distance to avoid deeper emotional ties?

11. He's overly physical sometimes

On the flip side, if he's overly physical to the point where it feels like all he wants is physical intimacy, it's another red flag. Genuine connection extends beyond the physical realm—it includes emotional support, understanding, and partnership.

A relationship that is hyper-focused on physicality often lacks the emotional depth needed for long-term compatibility. Remember, love isn't just about what happens behind closed doors; it's about being present and connected in all aspects of life.

12. He ignores your dreams

Does he ever ask about your goals or encourage your aspirations? If not, this is one of the signs he's using you. A supportive partner will take an interest in your dreams, no matter how big or small they are. They'll cheer you on, not dismiss or minimize your ambitions.

When a man shows no regard for your personal growth, it often points to his lack of investment in the relationship. It's essential to have someone who supports your journey, not someone who holds you back.

13. He rarely texts back

If he takes hours or even days to reply to your messages—especially when he's clearly active on social media—it's a sign he's prioritizing other things over you. Communication is key in any relationship. A partner who's genuinely interested will find the time to check in, no matter how busy they are.

Consistent lack of communication may indicate that he's not as invested as you are. It can leave you feeling unimportant and frustrated, which is not how a healthy relationship should feel.

14. He hides his emotions

Emotional openness is crucial for a deep, lasting connection. If he refuses to share his feelings, keeps his struggles hidden, or seems to have a perpetual emotional mask on, it can create a significant barrier in your relationship.

While some people naturally struggle with emotional vulnerability, a complete lack of effort to open up can signal that he's not interested in letting you in. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, highlights that emotional intimacy forms the bedrock of successful partnerships. Without it, you're left guessing where you stand—and that's exhausting.

15. He only appears when he needs you

Does he vanish when you need him but magically reappear when he's in a bind? This behavior often signals that he views you as a convenience rather than a partner. Whether it's a last-minute favor or emotional support, he's there to take but never to give.

True relationships thrive on mutual presence, not selective availability. If he's not consistently part of your life, he may be using you to fill his gaps rather than building a genuine connection.

16. He critiques you harshly

Constructive feedback in relationships is healthy. But when criticism turns harsh, personal, or relentless, it becomes toxic. If he picks apart your appearance, habits, or choices without offering support or love, it's a way to erode your confidence and maintain control.

Harsh criticism is often a projection of his own insecurities. Don't allow his words to make you doubt your worth. A loving partner builds you up, not tears you down.

17. He threatens to leave

Nothing creates emotional instability like a partner who constantly threatens to walk away. It's a manipulation tactic designed to keep you on edge, making you work harder to “earn” their love. This isn't love—it's control.

Healthy relationships don't weaponize insecurity. If he's frequently using the threat of abandonment, it's time to evaluate whether he truly values you or just enjoys holding power over you.

18. You're his secret

Does it feel like you're hidden from the rest of his life? If you've never met his friends, family, or colleagues—or worse, he actively avoids situations where you might—this could mean he's not serious about the relationship.

Being a “secret” partner can feel isolating and dehumanizing. While privacy in relationships is normal, secrecy often hints that he's keeping his options open or that he's not proud to claim you as part of his life.

19. You're always at fault

Is every disagreement your fault, no matter the circumstances? If he consistently shifts blame onto you, it's not just unfair—it's manipulative. This behavior is a form of emotional gaslighting, where he avoids accountability by making you the scapegoat.

Healthy partners own up to their mistakes and work through conflicts together. A relationship where you're perpetually blamed can drain your self-esteem and leave you doubting yourself.

20. He's void of empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share someone else's feelings. Without it, a relationship becomes one-sided. If he consistently dismisses your emotions or fails to recognize your pain, it's a clear sign he's not invested in your well-being.

A partner who lacks empathy will leave you feeling unheard and alone. Relationships are about mutual care, and if he's unwilling or unable to connect with your feelings, he's not offering the foundation you deserve.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I know if a guy is using me?

Recognizing the signs of a guy using you often involves observing his patterns of behavior. Does he consistently prioritize his needs over yours? Is he emotionally unavailable or dismissive of your feelings? If these red flags are present, trust your intuition and reevaluate the relationship.

Can someone change if they've been using you?

Change is possible, but it requires genuine effort and accountability on their part. It's important to have an honest conversation about your feelings and boundaries. However, if they dismiss your concerns or show no willingness to improve, walking away might be the best option for your emotional well-being.

What should I do if I realize he's using me?

The first step is to prioritize yourself. Reflect on what you truly want from a relationship and set clear boundaries. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. If needed, consider seeking advice from a therapist to rebuild your confidence and navigate the situation.

Recommended Resources

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
• Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft