16 Things to Do When He Chooses Her Over You

Key Takeaways:

• Understanding the reasons can help
• Emotional expression is crucial
• Self-worth is not tied to him
• Closure is necessary for healing
• Moving on is essential for growth

When he chooses someone else over you, it feels like the rug has been pulled from under your feet. You're left wondering why, questioning yourself, and feeling betrayed. Trust me, you're not alone, and there are ways to heal from this heart-wrenching experience. We'll break down why he might have made this choice and explore 16 actionable steps you can take to find your strength again.

What makes a man choose another woman over you?

It's one of the most painful and confusing experiences. We find ourselves replaying memories and desperately looking for answers. Why her? Why not me? The truth is, relationships are complex, and his reasons for choosing someone else may be multifaceted and deeply personal. Let's explore some of the common reasons that might drive him to make this heart-crushing choice.

1. Sexual compatibility

Sexual chemistry can be a powerful motivator. Sometimes, a man might choose another woman if he feels more sexually aligned or connected with her. This could stem from differences in libido, preferences, or the overall dynamic between the sheets. It doesn't mean you were lacking; it simply means what he was seeking didn't align with what you offered.

Dr. Esther Perel, the acclaimed relationship therapist and author of “Mating in Captivity,” says, “Erotic intelligence is not just about sex but about our sense of vitality and aliveness.” If he felt that spark or sense of novelty elsewhere, it could have drawn him away. However, keep in mind that sexual compatibility is often overvalued in short-term scenarios and can shift over time.

2. Goals

Are your dreams aligned? Think about it. If your life ambitions were miles apart, this mismatch might have influenced his decision. He might want to travel the world, while you dream of settling down and starting a family. Or maybe you're career-focused, and he's ready to leave his high-stress job behind to lead a simpler life.

When two people have conflicting goals, it creates a tension that can be hard to ignore. He might have felt that, with someone else, his vision for the future seemed clearer and more achievable. While this realization doesn't ease the pain, understanding that compatibility extends beyond physical attraction is essential.

3. Social lifestyle

How we socialize, spend our free time, and even the people we surround ourselves with shape our compatibility. If he's the life of the party and you're more of a quiet homebody, that could be a big factor. Our social preferences influence how we bond and connect in relationships.

Imagine if he felt stifled or that he was always compromising on how he spent his weekends. Or perhaps he felt judged for the way he enjoyed having fun. This isn't a reflection of your worth but a basic incompatibility that might have driven him towards someone who shares his rhythm and vibe.

4. Behavior

It sounds harsh, but behavior patterns matter. This isn't about being “not good enough” but rather about dynamics. Maybe he felt you were too controlling, or perhaps your communication styles constantly clashed. If he felt criticized or misunderstood, he might have sought a relationship where he felt more at ease.

Behavior is influenced by deep-rooted patterns and even childhood experiences. Consider attachment styles: someone with an avoidant attachment style may feel threatened by too much closeness, whereas someone with an anxious attachment style may crave constant reassurance. If you two were constantly clashing in how you related emotionally, it could have driven a wedge between you.

5. Values and beliefs

Values and beliefs run deep. They shape our choices, influence our actions, and guide us in relationships. If he felt that your values were mismatched, this could have been a major reason he chose someone else. Maybe it was about religion, family dynamics, or views on important societal issues. These aren't minor differences; they impact how we build a life together.

Think about it: if your core beliefs clash, resentment and misunderstanding will eventually fester. For instance, if one of you places a high value on financial security while the other prioritizes adventure and spontaneity, the tension will be palpable. Understanding that values are a driving force in connection can help you realize that it's less about fault and more about fit.

What do you do when a guy chooses someone else over you?

Okay, so he chose someone else. The initial shock is brutal, and the emotional storm is real. You feel the sting of rejection and the burn of betrayal. But this isn't where your story ends. It's where the opportunity to reclaim yourself begins. Knowing what to do next can be empowering, even if it feels impossible at first.

Here's the thing: everyone processes heartbreak differently. Some of us retreat and isolate, while others dive into distractions. The key is to allow yourself to grieve but not let the grief define your future. The steps you take now can lay the foundation for emotional healing and, ultimately, a stronger, more self-assured you.

16 things you should do when he chooses someone else over you

When someone you loved chooses another, it can leave a void. But it's also an opportunity to fill that space with healing, self-discovery, and growth. These 16 steps aren't about getting over him overnight; they're about nurturing yourself and rediscovering your power.

Let's dive into actionable ways to mend your heart and rediscover your worth. Each of these steps is designed to help you slowly but surely piece yourself back together, stronger and wiser.

1. Accept the situation

Acceptance is hard, but it's crucial. The relationship ended, and he chose someone else. Fighting this reality only prolongs the pain. Accepting doesn't mean you're okay with what happened. It means you're ready to acknowledge it. You stop asking endless “what ifs” and start focusing on what is.

Denial is a natural stage of grief, but staying there keeps you stuck. Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that acceptance is the first step toward healing. Even if it feels unfair or incomprehensible, embracing reality allows you to move forward.

2. Let out your emotions

Suppressing your emotions is like sealing a boiling pot. It's bound to overflow. Cry, scream into a pillow, or write in a journal. Let yourself feel everything, even the anger and sadness you've been holding back. Bottling up emotions only delays the healing process.

We've been conditioned to believe that showing vulnerability makes us weak, but the truth is, expressing your feelings is a form of strength. Brene Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability, writes, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.” So let it out, unapologetically.

3. Give yourself time

Healing is not linear. It doesn't have a set timeline. Maybe you thought you'd be over it in a month, but here you are, still hurting. That's okay. Healing takes time, and everyone's process is different. Don't rush yourself just because you think you should be fine by now.

Remember, emotional wounds are like physical wounds. They take time to heal, and rushing them can leave lasting scars. Be patient. Allow yourself to take it one day at a time. Some days will feel lighter, while others might still ache. That's normal.

4. Talk to friends and family members

Lean on your support system. Friends and family can be your anchors when you feel like you're drifting. Talk to them about your pain, your confusion, your anger. Sometimes, just hearing someone say, “I'm here for you,” can be a huge relief.

Social support has proven psychological benefits. Studies have shown that sharing your struggles with loved ones reduces emotional distress. If you feel like a burden, remind yourself that the people who love you want to help. Sometimes, a simple conversation can remind you that you're not alone in this storm.

5. Don't compare yourself with the other woman

Comparison is a thief. It robs you of your peace and self-worth. Maybe you're tempted to scrutinize her social media, to pick apart her looks, or to dissect why he chose her over you. But this habit only deepens the wound and warps your self-image.

Understand this: his choice is not a reflection of your worth. Comparing yourself creates a false narrative that you're not enough, which simply isn't true. Every person is unique, and your value doesn't diminish because of someone else's preferences. Instead of comparing, focus on your strengths and the qualities that make you, you.

6. Don't stalk the other woman

It's tempting, isn't it? Your mind craves answers, and stalking her feels like a way to get closure. But scrolling through her profile or searching for every detail about her life won't bring you peace. It only keeps you trapped in a cycle of pain and obsession.

When you find yourself tempted, put the phone down. Redirect your energy. Go for a walk, dive into a book, or call a friend. Stalking may give you temporary relief, but it ultimately reopens the wound. Commit to breaking this cycle for your mental well-being.

7. Don't think about her

It's easier said than done. Thoughts of her might invade your mind, especially in quiet moments. You start to wonder what she has that you don't, replay conversations, or imagine scenarios. But thinking about her keeps you tethered to a pain that isn't yours to carry. You deserve better than to be haunted by someone else's story.

When these intrusive thoughts surface, redirect your focus. Try mindfulness techniques, like deep breathing or grounding exercises, to bring yourself back to the present. Remember, she isn't the villain of your story; she's just another person. The real enemy here is your own mind replaying painful loops.

8. Remind yourself that you are enough

You are enough. Yes, you heard me. Just because he chose someone else doesn't mean you're less valuable, lovable, or deserving of respect. Our self-worth shouldn't be determined by someone else's decisions. Yet, rejection can make us question everything about ourselves.

Repeat affirmations if you have to. Look in the mirror and say, “I am worthy. I am enough.” This simple practice can sound silly at first, but research shows that affirmations can rewire our brains over time. It's about retraining yourself to believe in your inherent value, even when your confidence has taken a hit.

9. Enjoy the time you have

Being single again can feel like a void. But it can also be an opportunity to rediscover the things that bring you joy. Do the things you've been putting off. Go hiking, learn a new language, or binge-watch that show without needing anyone's input. This is your time now, and you deserve to fill it with activities that make you come alive.

Embrace the freedom you have to make choices purely for yourself. Pour your energy into hobbies, friendships, or personal growth. It's a reminder that life continues, and it can be vibrant and fulfilling, even without a relationship defining it.

10. Stay far away

Distance can be a form of self-protection. If you continue to interact with him or stay in his social circle, you're constantly reopening the wound. Sometimes, the healthiest thing to do is to take a step back. Create space to heal. Unfollow, mute, or block if necessary. You're not being petty; you're setting boundaries.

Think of it as giving your heart a chance to breathe. Seeing him or being reminded of him too often disrupts your healing. Space doesn't mean you're weak; it means you're strong enough to choose your peace over proximity.

11. Don't take the blame

It's so easy to internalize his choice and think, “What did I do wrong?” But his decision says more about him than it does about you. Sure, maybe the relationship had its flaws. But it's never just one person's fault. Blaming yourself only amplifies feelings of guilt and shame, which you don't deserve.

Reflecting on what happened is healthy, but don't get stuck in a loop of self-criticism. Take responsibility for your part, but don't shoulder all the blame. Remember, a relationship involves two people, and no one is perfect. It's about learning, not punishing yourself.

12. Don't blame the girl

It's natural to feel anger or jealousy toward the other woman, especially if you think she “stole” him. But putting the blame on her only fuels bitterness and keeps you stuck. She's not the one who made commitments to you; he did. She may not have known your side of the story. Even if she did, directing your pain at her doesn't ease your suffering.

Focus on what truly matters: your own healing. Holding onto resentment towards her or anyone else only poisons your path forward. Instead, let it go. Forgive not for her sake but for your own peace of mind.

13. Forgive him

Forgiveness is tricky. It doesn't mean you're excusing what he did or pretending it didn't hurt. Instead, it's about releasing the hold his actions have on your heart. You forgive because carrying the weight of resentment only hurts you, not him. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.

Forgiving him is for you. It's a decision to prioritize your healing over your pain. Take your time, though. Forgiveness doesn't have to happen overnight. It's a gradual process, one that you embark on for your own peace of mind.

14. Love yourself

Self-love isn't just a fluffy concept; it's the foundation of everything. When someone leaves you for someone else, it can make you feel unworthy, but that's the time to double down on loving yourself. Treat yourself as you would a friend who's hurting. Be compassionate and gentle.

Take care of your body, mind, and soul. Eat nourishing foods, get enough sleep, and do things that make you happy. Remind yourself that your worth isn't dependent on another person's ability to see it. As RuPaul famously says, “If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”

15. Get closure

Sometimes closure comes from understanding why things ended. Other times, it's about realizing you may never get all the answers you want. Either way, closure is about accepting the past and choosing to let it rest. If having one last conversation with him helps, and if it's healthy for you, consider it. But remember: closure doesn't always come from someone else. It often comes from within.

Write a letter you'll never send, expressing everything you feel. Say goodbye in your own way. Closure is a gift you give yourself, a way to wrap up the story so you can move on to the next chapter.

16. Move on

Moving on doesn't mean you forget him or the good times you had. It means you make the choice to live in the present rather than being stuck in the past. It's about focusing on your future, your dreams, and the happiness that's still possible.

Give yourself permission to find joy again. Open your heart to new experiences and people when you're ready. The pain will fade, and one day you'll realize it doesn't hurt the same way anymore. You'll be grateful for the lessons, stronger for the struggles, and open to new love and new possibilities.

FAQs

Heartbreak leaves us with questions. Sometimes, a few answers can offer some clarity. Let's address some common ones you might have.

How long does it take to get over someone who chose someone else?

There's no one-size-fits-all answer. Healing takes time, and that timeframe is different for everyone. Some people feel ready to move on after a few months, while others need a year or more. It depends on the depth of your feelings, the length of the relationship, and how much emotional energy you invested.

Don't rush yourself. Give yourself permission to heal at your own pace. If you find yourself still struggling after a long time, consider seeking support from a therapist. Sometimes, talking to a professional can help you process the pain in a healthier way.

Can a guy love you but be with someone else?

Yes, it's possible. Human emotions are messy and contradictory. He might have feelings for you but still choose someone else because of compatibility, timing, or personal circumstances. Love isn't always enough to make a relationship work. Sometimes, external factors take precedence.

But remember, just because he may have loved you doesn't mean he was the right person for you. Someone who truly values and respects you won't put you in a position where you have to question your worth.

What are the signs he has someone else?

Spotting the signs can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. He may become distant, evasive, or secretive. If he suddenly guards his phone or becomes defensive about his whereabouts, those could be red flags. Another sign is a shift in emotional intimacy; conversations that once flowed easily may now feel forced or superficial.

Trust your intuition, but also gather facts before jumping to conclusions. Sometimes, our fears can distort reality, but if your gut keeps sounding alarm bells, it's worth paying attention.

How do you accept he left you for someone else?

Acceptance starts with acknowledging your pain. Allow yourself to grieve the loss, and don't feel guilty for feeling sad, angry, or confused. Remember, it's okay to hurt. But also remind yourself that his choice doesn't define your value. People make decisions based on their own needs, desires, and flaws—often unrelated to your worth.

Focus on your strengths and rebuild your self-esteem. Acceptance isn't about liking what happened; it's about coming to terms with it so that you can move forward. You're stronger than you think, and with time, you'll start to see a future that excites you again.

Can I still be friends with the person who chose someone else?

That depends on you. If being friends feels genuine and doesn't reopen old wounds, it might be possible. But if seeing him brings back hurt or hope, it's healthier to keep your distance. Ask yourself if staying friends will aid your healing or hinder it. Sometimes, a clean break is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

Remember, your well-being should come first. If a friendship complicates your emotional recovery, it's okay to step back. You deserve connections that uplift you, not ones that keep you trapped in the past.

To sum up

Healing from heartbreak is a journey, not a sprint. You'll experience a whirlwind of emotions, but each step forward brings you closer to a place of peace and self-discovery. Remember that your worth isn't defined by someone else's choices. Embrace the lessons, honor your pain, and trust that brighter days are ahead.

Ultimately, love yourself fiercely, and don't be afraid to open your heart to new possibilities when you're ready. You've got this.

Understanding your self-worth

Reclaiming your self-worth after heartbreak isn't just important—it's everything. Your value doesn't fluctuate based on someone else's ability to recognize it. It's inherent and unshakeable, even when the world makes you feel otherwise. You may have moments of doubt, but remember, self-worth is rooted in how you treat and honor yourself, not how someone else perceives you.

Practice self-care that nurtures your spirit. Whether that's meditation, affirmations, or pursuing passions that light you up, every act of self-love reinforces the fact that you are deserving. The more you invest in yourself, the stronger your sense of worth becomes.

Rediscovering hope and joy

It's hard to imagine joy when your heart is in pieces, but it's possible. Finding hope isn't about pretending everything is perfect; it's about believing in the possibility of happiness again. Start with small moments. Appreciate the warmth of sunlight, the taste of your favorite meal, or the laughter of a friend. These little sparks can reignite a bigger flame within you.

Let yourself dream. Think about future adventures, the people you'll meet, and the love that will come your way when the time is right. Allow yourself to feel excited about what lies ahead, even if it feels distant right now. Your heart is resilient, and so are you.

Recommended Resources

• “Rising Strong” by Brené Brown – A powerful exploration of how we rise after falling and the courage it takes to heal.
• “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle – A guide to living in the present and letting go of past pain to find peace.
• “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller – An insightful book on understanding attachment styles and navigating relationships with awareness.