13 Ways to Handle Broken Promises (In Relationships)

Key Takeaways:

• Broken promises damage trust deeply
• Communicating feelings can heal wounds
• Understanding reasons behind promises broken matters
• Forgiveness doesn't erase responsibility
• Seeking help can strengthen bonds

Broken promises in a relationship cut deep. They hurt, shake our sense of trust, and leave us wondering if our partner really values our needs. These situations don't just sting—they can lead to spiraling self-doubt and overthinking. Maybe it was a small promise: they said they'd call and forgot. Or perhaps it was a commitment that meant the world to you, something you'd been counting on, only to be let down.

Trust isn't easily earned. When promises are broken, even small ones, our brains register this breach almost like a mini trauma. In The Science of Trust, John Gottman emphasizes how each failure to keep a promise becomes a “negative memory” that erodes the foundation of our relationship. Essentially, our brain learns to protect us from future hurt, making trust even harder to rebuild.

So, how do we move forward when promises shatter our faith in someone? Let's dive into understanding why promises get broken and how to cope in a way that's healthy, compassionate, and practical.

What does it mean to break a promise in relationships?

When you make a promise, you're giving your word—a solemn assurance—to your partner that you will do or not do something. It might be about showing up for an important event, staying faithful, or even just doing something as simple as remembering to pick up milk on the way home. Breaking a promise can seem trivial or accidental at times, but in the context of a committed relationship, it holds weight.

Promises, when honored, signify care and respect. They strengthen the bond between two people. When they're broken, it's more than just a forgotten task; it can feel like a crack in the relationship's foundation. Suddenly, your partner might feel overlooked or undervalued. It suggests that the promise—and, perhaps by extension, the person—wasn't a priority.

In a relationship, a broken promise doesn't just get brushed off. It becomes a point of reflection for both people involved, and how it's handled determines the relationship's resilience. It's never just about the action; it's about the meaning behind it.

How does breaking a promise affect your relationship?

The impact of breaking a promise goes beyond the immediate moment. Trust, a key pillar of any healthy relationship, often takes a hit. Even a simple broken promise can make someone start to question: “What else might they fail to deliver on?” Or, “Can I truly rely on them?” Our need for security and reliability in a relationship runs deep. After all, love thrives when both partners feel safe and prioritized.

Psychologically, this breach creates a ripple effect. According to attachment theory, our brains crave a sense of predictability in our closest bonds. When someone repeatedly breaks promises, our “attachment system” may get triggered. Anxiety, fear of abandonment, or even feelings of betrayal may surface. The relationship, once a source of solace, starts to feel less dependable.

Moreover, if broken promises stack up over time, resentment can build. Unresolved hurt can manifest in passive-aggressive behaviors or emotional withdrawal, turning once-loving partnerships into battlegrounds of unmet needs and silent wars. Relationships, at their core, need nurturing, and a pattern of broken promises dries up that well of love and affection.

What happens emotionally when a promise is broken?

Emotionally, broken promises stir up a whirlwind of feelings. Disappointment is often the first wave. It's that sinking feeling, the weight in your chest that says, “I thought I could count on you.” But disappointment rarely comes alone. It's usually followed by frustration and sadness. Sometimes, even anger bubbles to the surface, especially if promises are broken repeatedly.

Beyond the initial emotional response, something else happens. The mind begins to replay the event. Self-doubt creeps in. You start to ask yourself, “Was I asking too much?” or “Am I overreacting?” Yet, this self-questioning often makes the wound feel deeper. Instead of finding resolution, we dwell on what went wrong and what we could have done differently.

These emotions, left unchecked, can lead to deeper insecurity and anxiety within the relationship. It can even affect your self-esteem. In their book Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller discuss how anxious partners might internalize broken promises as a reflection of their worth. It's a psychological spiral that isn't easy to escape without addressing the root cause.

And let's not forget: for some, broken promises feel like a breach of values, an unspoken agreement that their partner cares for them enough to keep their word. It can make us feel unappreciated or unloved, which are some of the hardest emotions to navigate when you deeply care for someone.

Why do people break promises in relationships?

Ever wondered why promises, even those made with the best intentions, end up being broken? It's a tough pill to swallow, especially when we feel blindsided. The truth is, several reasons might lead someone to fall short of their word, and they're not always rooted in carelessness or malice.

Sometimes, promises get broken because of external pressures. Life gets chaotic, and despite our desire to keep commitments, unexpected responsibilities or stressors derail us. Other times, people make promises impulsively, driven by the immediate need to please or diffuse a situation, without truly considering if they can deliver. This impulsivity can lead to regret, especially if they realize later that they're unable to follow through.

Fear is another culprit. Fear of disappointing or upsetting our partner can lead us to make promises we can't keep. People-pleasing behaviors, often a result of past emotional conditioning, make us prioritize short-term peace over long-term reliability. As Daring Greatly author Brené Brown puts it, “We want to be loved so desperately that we pretend, we perform, and we promise, even if we don't have the bandwidth.”

On a deeper level, some people break promises because of underlying issues in the relationship. Feelings of resentment, unresolved conflicts, or emotional distance can subtly impact someone's ability or desire to stay true to their word. When trust or connection wanes, commitments can feel less binding or significant. Understanding the reasons behind a broken promise can offer insight and a starting point for healing.

13 Ways to Handle Broken Promises in Relationships

Dealing with broken promises isn't easy, but there are practical steps we can take to process our feelings and move forward. Here are 13 thoughtful approaches to handling these emotional hurdles and potentially rebuilding trust.

1. Take time to reflect on the promise broken: Allow yourself space to think about what happened and how it affected you. It's okay to feel hurt, disappointed, or even angry. Acknowledging your feelings will help you process them better.

2. Talk openly with your partner about why it happened: Communication remains key. Sit down and have a genuine, non-accusatory conversation. Ask what prevented them from keeping their promise and truly listen to understand.

3. Be honest about how you feel: Express your feelings, but do so in a way that invites conversation rather than defensiveness. Use “I” statements like, “I felt hurt when this happened,” to communicate your pain without escalating the tension.

4. Work together on finding solutions: If you both want the relationship to work, brainstorm how to avoid similar situations in the future. Teamwork is about growing together, even through setbacks.

5. Make sure you set clear boundaries and expectations: Discuss what both of you expect in the relationship and define what “keeping promises” looks like. Clarity often prevents misunderstandings.

6. Forgive, but don't dismiss the impact: Forgiveness can be healing, but it doesn't mean the hurt never happened. It means choosing to move forward while remembering the lessons learned.

7. Build honesty into your relationship: Moving forward, encourage each other to be truthful about commitments, even if that honesty reveals limitations. It's better to be upfront than to overpromise.

8. Set the tone by being reliable yourself: Trustworthiness breeds trust. By keeping your promises, you model the behavior you wish to see in your partner.

9. Spend quality time to rebuild connection: Reconnecting emotionally can rebuild trust. Spend intentional time together doing things you both enjoy, reinforcing the bond between you.

10. Take space if you need to process emotions: If the broken promise hurt deeply, a temporary break from the intensity of the relationship can provide perspective and emotional relief.

11. Focus on self-care to maintain balance: Taking care of yourself—mentally, physically, and emotionally—ensures that you don't lose your sense of self in the aftermath of disappointment.

12. Seek professional guidance when needed: Sometimes, an impartial third party like a therapist can help both partners navigate recurring issues and learn healthier ways to communicate.

13. Accept that not everything is under your control: People will sometimes disappoint us. Accepting this reality doesn't mean excusing hurtful behavior but understanding that we can't control others—only how we respond.

1. Take time to reflect on the promise broken

When a promise shatters, it can feel like your world tilts off balance. In that moment, pause. Give yourself the grace to reflect on what just happened. Sit with your feelings. Reflecting doesn't mean obsessively replaying the hurt in your mind, but rather, understanding how this breach of trust has affected you. Was it a promise you depended on heavily, or was it the accumulation of several smaller broken ones?

Processing your emotions helps you see things more clearly. It might even uncover underlying fears or insecurities that the broken promise triggered. By taking a step back, you create space to respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally.

2. Talk openly with your partner about why it happened

Conversations about broken promises can feel daunting. Yet, holding your pain inside does more harm than good. Choose a time when both of you are calm and open to talking. Approach the discussion with the intent to understand, not to attack.

Ask questions: “What happened that prevented you from keeping your word?” or “Did something change that I wasn't aware of?” This approach invites honest dialogue. Remember, communication is a two-way street, and listening is just as important as expressing yourself.

Keep in mind that understanding their side doesn't mean justifying their actions. It simply allows both of you to see the full picture. Openness lays the foundation for repairing and, hopefully, strengthening your bond.

3. Be honest about how you feel

Suppressing your emotions won't make them disappear; it'll only make them fester. Tell your partner how the broken promise impacted you. Speak from the heart and be vulnerable. It's okay to say, “I felt deeply hurt” or “It made me question our trust.” Using “I” statements ensures your partner doesn't feel attacked and keeps the conversation constructive.

Honesty is crucial here. We sometimes fear expressing our true feelings, worrying we'll come off as too sensitive or needy. But bottling up emotions only adds distance to your relationship. If your partner genuinely cares, they'll want to understand the depth of your pain.

4. Work together on finding solutions

Once the air has been cleared, focus on solutions. Discuss ways to prevent similar situations in the future. Is there a need for better communication, or should both of you rethink how promises are made? Perhaps your partner needs to be more realistic about commitments, while you could benefit from being more understanding of life's unpredictability.

Collaboration strengthens your partnership. When you actively work together, you reaffirm that you're both on the same team. Don't just stop at apologies and explanations—be proactive about change. Brainstorm, compromise, and make a plan that feels fair to both of you.

5. Make sure you set clear boundaries and expectations

Setting boundaries isn't about controlling your partner; it's about creating a safe space for mutual respect. Discuss what you both consider non-negotiable in your relationship. Be explicit about what a promise means to each of you. If punctuality matters deeply to you, express that. If emotional support during tough times is crucial, make it clear.

Boundaries also involve expectations. Don't just assume your partner knows what's important to you. Communicate it. When both of you know and respect each other's needs, the chances of broken promises decrease significantly.

6. Forgive, but don't dismiss the impact

Forgiveness isn't easy. It's a journey, not a single decision. While forgiving someone can feel like you're letting them off the hook, that's not the case. It's about releasing the anger that holds you hostage. Yet, forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or minimizing what happened. It's perfectly valid to remember the pain and learn from it.

Think of forgiveness as a gift to yourself. It frees up emotional energy and allows you to move forward with or without your partner. But make sure they understand the impact of their actions. Healing comes from acknowledgment and change, not from pretending it didn't hurt. When you strike this balance, you protect your heart while keeping an open mind.

7. Build honesty into your relationship

Honesty needs to be more than just a word. It should be a lived value within your relationship. When promises are broken, it's easy to fall into a cycle of half-truths to protect feelings. But in the long run, nothing is more damaging than lies or omissions. Commit to being brutally honest, even when the truth is hard to share.

Start small. If you're overwhelmed and can't keep a promise, admit it before it becomes a problem. It's far better to be upfront than to let your partner down. Honesty creates an environment where trust can breathe and flourish, setting the stage for deeper, more authentic intimacy.

8. Set the tone by being reliable yourself

If you expect reliability from your partner, you have to practice it yourself. Being dependable sends a powerful message: that you value commitments and understand their importance. It sets the tone for the relationship.

We all slip up from time to time, but making a genuine effort to follow through on your promises shows your partner that they matter to you. Actions truly do speak louder than words. So, lead by example. Be the person who shows up, keeps their word, and acknowledges when things don't go as planned. Reliability, when mutual, becomes the heartbeat of a thriving relationship.

9. Spend quality time to rebuild connection

Trust and connection often get lost in the whirlwind of everyday life, especially when promises are broken. Making an intentional effort to spend quality time together can reignite your bond. This doesn't mean you need elaborate date nights (though those are great!). Simple, meaningful moments often have the most profound impact.

Go for a walk, cook a meal together, or just sit down for an uninterrupted conversation. Connection thrives in these small moments. By nurturing your relationship, you can slowly repair the hurt caused by broken promises and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.

10. Take space if you need to process emotions

Sometimes, you just need to breathe. Taking space isn't about punishing your partner or avoiding the problem. It's about giving yourself the time to process your emotions. Maybe the hurt feels too raw, or the disappointment too overwhelming. Step back and focus on your own emotional recovery.

However, be clear about your intentions. Let your partner know that you're not pulling away forever. Explain that you need space to reflect and come back stronger. Temporary distance can provide much-needed clarity, making it easier to return with a balanced mindset and a clearer perspective.

11. Focus on self-care to maintain balance

Heartbreak and broken promises can drain you. They can impact your energy, mood, and even your physical health. This is where self-care steps in. It's not just a buzzword; it's a necessity. Do things that rejuvenate your spirit—read a book, take a long bath, or engage in a hobby you love. Prioritize your well-being.

Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself ensures you have the strength to either work through the relationship issues or, if necessary, make hard decisions about the future. Self-care is a way of grounding yourself and finding stability amid emotional chaos.

12. Seek professional guidance when needed

There's no shame in asking for help. Relationships are complicated, and sometimes an outside perspective is crucial. A therapist or counselor can help both of you explore the reasons behind repeated broken promises, unpack unresolved feelings, and develop healthier communication patterns.

Therapy can offer a safe space to express emotions and gain new insights. Sometimes, just having a professional mediator changes the entire dynamic, making conversations that once felt impossible feel manageable. If you find that your relationship keeps cycling through the same issues, professional guidance can be a game-changer.

13. Accept that not everything is under your control

Sometimes, no matter how much we plan, wish, or hope, things don't go the way we imagined. People will disappoint us. Promises will be broken, and life will throw curveballs. One of the hardest lessons in relationships is accepting that you can't control your partner's actions. You can only control your response to them.

Acceptance doesn't mean resigning to mistreatment or giving up on your standards. It means recognizing that the only person you have true power over is yourself. It's about understanding that some things are beyond your influence, and finding peace in that awareness. Let go of the things you can't change, and focus on what you can: your healing, your boundaries, and your well-being.

Commonly Asked Questions

Is it ever okay to break a promise to your partner?

Yes, there are situations where breaking a promise might be justifiable. Emergencies or unforeseen circumstances can make it impossible to follow through. For example, if you promised to attend a family event but fell seriously ill, breaking that promise is understandable. What matters is how you handle it afterward. A sincere apology and a clear explanation go a long way in minimizing the hurt.

In some cases, breaking a promise could even be the right thing to do, like if keeping it would compromise your safety or values. Always weigh the situation carefully. While promises are vital, your well-being and ethics should never be sacrificed.

Is breaking a promise just like lying?

It's complicated. On one hand, both breaking a promise and lying involve a breach of trust. They both make your partner feel misled. But there are key differences. Lying is a deliberate act of deception, while breaking a promise often stems from unforeseen events, overcommitment, or a failure to prioritize properly. The intent behind each action matters.

That said, the impact on your partner can feel very similar. Even if the promise wasn't broken with ill intent, it still hurts. That's why it's crucial to take responsibility, be transparent, and work to rebuild trust. The nuance lies in whether the broken promise was an unavoidable slip or a reflection of deeper issues in the relationship.

What's the best way to make amends for a broken promise?

The first step is to acknowledge the hurt you caused. Avoid making excuses. Apologize sincerely and let your partner know that you understand the impact of your actions. Then, explain why the promise was broken, without downplaying the pain it caused. Transparency fosters healing.

Next, ask your partner what they need to feel reassured. This could involve taking specific actions to prove your reliability or simply giving them time and space. Follow through with whatever you agree upon. Consistency is the real key to rebuilding trust. Finally, reflect on how you can avoid making promises you're unsure about keeping in the future. Making amends is about more than just words; it's about tangible change.

How do you describe someone who repeatedly breaks promises?

When someone makes a habit of breaking promises, words like “unreliable” and “inconsistent” often come to mind. Some might label them as “irresponsible” or even “untrustworthy.” While these descriptors are harsh, they capture the emotional impact of being let down over and over again. Trust becomes a scarce resource, and interactions are tinged with doubt and apprehension.

Psychologically, people who repeatedly break promises may struggle with deeper issues. They might have difficulties with self-regulation, impulsivity, or a strong desire to avoid confrontation, leading them to overcommit. Understanding why someone behaves this way can offer compassion, but it doesn't erase the need for accountability. If a partner's unreliability becomes a persistent pattern, it's essential to reevaluate the relationship's dynamics and your expectations.

Can a relationship recover from multiple broken promises?

Yes, but it takes effort, vulnerability, and a genuine desire from both partners to make things work. Recovering from repeated broken promises requires a deep commitment to change. The partner who has broken promises must demonstrate consistent, reliable behavior over time. Actions, more than words, need to signal a shift in how they approach commitments.

Meanwhile, the person who has been hurt needs to work on rebuilding trust, which can be challenging. It's about taking small steps, cautiously but with an open heart. Counseling or couples therapy can be highly effective in facilitating these repairs, providing tools to communicate better and heal from past wounds.

However, let's be honest: not every relationship survives. Sometimes, the damage is too profound, and trust too shattered to rebuild. If the broken promises persist despite efforts to change, it may be time to consider whether staying is causing more harm than good. Recovery is possible, but it hinges on genuine change and mutual effort.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with broken promises in a relationship isn't easy. It tests your patience, your resilience, and your willingness to stay vulnerable. But it also provides a unique opportunity for growth—both as individuals and as a couple. Understanding why promises get broken, communicating openly, and prioritizing honesty can pave the way for deeper connection and healing.

Remember, relationships thrive on trust, mutual respect, and a shared commitment to each other's well-being. If promises are broken often enough that they erode these foundations, you have every right to reconsider what you need to feel safe and loved. Trust is earned, and it's okay to demand that your partner put in the work to earn it back.

Recommended Resources

• The Science of Trust by John Gottman - An essential read on building and rebuilding trust in relationships.
• Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - A guide to understanding attachment styles and how they impact your relationships.
• Daring Greatly by Brené Brown - Insights into vulnerability, trust, and the courage to stay open in love.