10 Reasons We Stay in Bad Relationships

Key Takeaways:

• Fear holds us in place
• Low self-esteem reinforces staying
• Finances can trap people
• Children add immense pressure
• Moving on needs structured plans

Why do smart, strong, compassionate people sometimes stay in toxic, soul-crushing relationships? It's not because they don't see the problems or feel the pain. Most of us have known someone—or been that someone—who stays longer than we should. It's a cycle as old as human connection, and it's time we demystify it.

Staying in an unhealthy relationship might seem baffling, but for many, it's a matter of survival, not choice. We may hold onto hope that things will change, or we might feel so entangled that leaving feels impossible. As psychotherapist Esther Perel aptly puts it, “Sometimes we choose to stay not because it's good, but because the unknown seems worse.” Let's dive into why we stay and explore some ways to break free.

What defines a bad relationship?

A bad relationship isn't always loud and explosive. It doesn't always have screaming matches, slammed doors, or blatant disrespect. Sometimes, it's the silent, suffocating weight of unmet needs and constant tension. It's when love starts to feel more like an obligation than a choice. A bad relationship often leaves you feeling drained, anxious, or simply numb.

Psychologists define unhealthy relationships as those marked by negative patterns that undermine your mental and emotional well-being. This can include things like constant criticism, manipulation, or feeling like you're walking on eggshells. Renowned author Dr. John Gottman, who has extensively researched relationship dynamics, emphasizes that the presence of what he calls the “Four Horsemen”—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—are red flags that shouldn't be ignored.

But let's be real: sometimes the signs are subtle, and sometimes, we convince ourselves it's not so bad. So why do we hold on when it feels like our soul is wilting?

10 reasons we stay in unhealthy relationships

Let's break down the most common reasons. These aren't excuses but insights into why leaving is much harder than it seems.

1. Fear

Fear can be paralyzing. It's one of the most powerful forces that keeps us stuck. We fear being alone, fear not finding anyone better, or fear the repercussions if we leave. Fear of change, too, looms large. The familiar, no matter how toxic, often feels safer than the unknown.

And fear isn't always irrational. Abusers, whether physical or emotional, may threaten us, our children, or even themselves. Fear of retaliation or social judgment can make leaving feel like stepping into the abyss. When survival instincts kick in, staying becomes a way to manage the immediate danger, even if it means sacrificing our happiness.

2. Low self-worth

Imagine feeling that you don't deserve love, respect, or genuine care. Low self-esteem convinces us we're lucky to have anyone at all, even if that “anyone” treats us poorly. When our self-worth crumbles, the idea of leaving becomes terrifying. We might think, “Who would want me?” or “Maybe this is as good as it gets.”

Trauma or years of conditioning can shape this belief. According to psychologist Nathaniel Branden, “Self-esteem is the reputation we have with ourselves.” If we carry a reputation of worthlessness, it becomes easy to accept mistreatment. Our inner narrative distorts reality, telling us that our pain is normal or deserved.

Shifting this perspective takes time and healing, but recognizing it is the first step.

3. Financial dependence

Money matters. It's a harsh reality, but financial dependence can trap people in harmful relationships. Imagine not being able to afford rent on your own or worrying about how you'll support your kids if you leave. The thought of losing financial security becomes suffocating. For some, it's not just a lifestyle but basic survival on the line.

Financial abuse complicates things even further. It occurs when one partner controls the other's access to financial resources, making it difficult—or downright impossible—to leave. This manipulation builds a cage that feels impossible to escape. And sadly, it's more common than we'd like to admit.

4. Codependent dynamics

Codependency isn't just a buzzword; it's a painful reality. People in codependent relationships often feel a deep sense of obligation to take care of their partner, even at the expense of their own well-being. It's the classic dance of giver and taker. We might believe that our value comes from how much we give or sacrifice.

Maybe we're the ones always fixing, rescuing, or smoothing over conflict. We invest so much of ourselves into the relationship that we lose our sense of identity. The fear of losing that role, however damaging, keeps us anchored in the toxicity.

Dr. Melody Beattie, author of “Codependent No More,” describes it perfectly: “We do too much, care too much, feel too much, and lose ourselves in the process.” Realizing this dynamic is painful, but breaking free starts with self-awareness.

5. Mental health struggles

Depression, anxiety, or trauma can act like invisible chains. When we're already battling inner demons, finding the strength to leave a bad relationship can feel like climbing a mountain with no gear. Our mental health impacts our perception of reality, making us believe we're powerless or unworthy of something better.

Anxiety can magnify worries about the future, while depression may rob us of the energy to even consider change. If our partner is the only source of support we think we have, the idea of leaving feels terrifying. And when mental health professionals talk about the cyclical nature of abuse, they mean it: the relationship itself can worsen our mental struggles, trapping us further.

6. Emotional manipulation

Emotional manipulation is sneaky and insidious. It's when someone twists situations, gaslights, or uses guilt to control us. Over time, we doubt our perceptions and feel responsible for everything that goes wrong. We hear things like, “You're too sensitive,” or, “It's your fault I get angry.” Slowly, our self-trust erodes, and we feel trapped in a fog of confusion.

The person manipulating you might even pretend to be a victim, making you feel like the villain. It's emotional warfare, and the scars it leaves aren't always visible. Expert psychotherapist Robin Stern describes the impact in her book “The Gaslight Effect”: “You can't leave because you don't trust your reality anymore.” Getting out requires recognizing these patterns and understanding that none of it is your fault.

7. Stockholm syndrome effects

Stockholm syndrome is more than a buzzword used to describe hostages who develop bonds with their captors. It's a psychological phenomenon that can occur in abusive relationships. When someone mistreats us, but also shows moments of care or love, our mind works overtime to reconcile these contradictions. Over time, we may start empathizing with our abuser, believing that their occasional kindness erases their cruelty.

Abusers often alternate between affection and abuse, creating a cycle that confuses our emotions and loyalty. This keeps us hoping for the good moments and rationalizing the bad ones. The bond becomes difficult to break, and our sense of reality distorts. Recognizing that this bond is a trauma response, not genuine affection, is a crucial step toward freedom.

8. Children and family pressures

When kids are involved, leaving an unhealthy relationship becomes exponentially more complex. Parents stay for the sake of stability, thinking that a two-parent household is always better, even when it's far from healthy. The pressure to keep the family together can weigh heavily, fueled by cultural expectations or personal guilt.

It's not just about the kids, either. Extended family often chimes in, offering opinions and judgments that complicate the situation. We may fear disappointing our parents or facing the shame of a “broken” family. But staying in a toxic relationship can also harm children, teaching them unhealthy dynamics and reinforcing negative cycles.

We must remember: prioritizing well-being over appearances often creates a healthier environment for everyone, even if it's hard in the short term.

9. Denial and avoidance

Denial is a powerful defense mechanism. Sometimes, the truth feels so painful that we mentally block it out. We minimize problems, downplay abuse, or convince ourselves that things will get better. It's easier to cling to false hope than confront the reality of leaving, which might feel overwhelming.

We avoid difficult conversations, put off making decisions, and keep ourselves busy with distractions. Denial can also look like relentless optimism: “They didn't mean it,” or, “It was just a bad day.” But denial comes with a cost, and deep down, we often know it. The first step is allowing ourselves to see the relationship for what it truly is.

10. Guilt and shame

Leaving can be a minefield of guilt and shame. We feel guilty for “giving up,” especially if we've promised loyalty or made vows. There's shame in admitting to others—and to ourselves—that the relationship didn't work out. We worry about how people will judge us or wonder if we somehow failed.

Guilt can also come from our partner's manipulation. Abusers often frame themselves as victims, making us feel responsible for their well-being. It becomes a heavy burden to carry, even though we owe it to ourselves to prioritize our health and happiness. Healing requires understanding that self-respect is not selfish and that choosing peace over pain is not failure.

5 ways to move on from unhealthy relationships

Moving on is hard, but not impossible. We can empower ourselves to leave and heal, even if it feels daunting. Here's how:

1. Identify your core values

Start by asking yourself: What truly matters to me? Core values are like a compass guiding your choices. When we align our lives with these values, we gain a sense of purpose and direction. Perhaps you value honesty, emotional safety, or personal growth. Write these down. Reflect on whether your current relationship honors or undermines these principles.

Identifying your core values can shine a harsh but necessary light on the gap between where you are and where you want to be. It can be eye-opening, even painful. But clarity brings power, and knowing your values gives you a benchmark to measure your life against.

2. Acknowledge your personal needs

Needs are not selfish. They're essential. Yet, in unhealthy relationships, we often neglect our own needs, believing that others deserve more or that ours don't matter. It's time to change that narrative. Take a moment to reflect on what makes you feel loved, respected, and secure. Emotional needs might include affection, validation, or trust. Physical needs could be as basic as rest and a sense of safety.

Recognizing unmet needs isn't about pointing fingers. It's about understanding what you deserve. When we acknowledge these needs, we become better equipped to advocate for ourselves, and our expectations shift from just surviving to truly thriving.

3. Communicate assertively

Assertive communication is a skill, not a personality trait. It involves clearly and calmly expressing what you need and feel, without aggression or passivity. This might mean setting boundaries or expressing how certain behaviors impact you. Use “I” statements, like, “I feel hurt when my opinions are dismissed.”

Remember, being assertive doesn't guarantee a positive response from your partner. But it does mean you're respecting yourself. And if your voice isn't respected, it can be a wake-up call about the viability of the relationship. Assertiveness helps you reclaim your sense of agency and reinforces that your feelings matter.

4. Address feelings of guilt

Guilt is a stubborn, complicated emotion. It whispers that you're selfish for wanting better or wrong for not being able to “fix” things. But consider this: You are not responsible for another person's happiness or behavior. You are responsible for your well-being.

Processing guilt requires self-compassion. Remind yourself that wanting to leave isn't betrayal; it's self-preservation. Therapy or journaling can be incredibly effective in working through these emotions. Sometimes, external validation from a friend or counselor can offer the reassurance you need.

5. Set a realistic timeline

Change doesn't have to happen overnight. Setting a realistic timeline to leave or make big shifts can reduce the overwhelming pressure you might feel. This timeline is not about procrastination; it's about preparation. You might use this time to save money, build a support network, or mentally prepare for the transition.

Think of this as your personal action plan. Having a timeline provides structure and makes the idea of leaving less abstract. It gives you checkpoints and a sense of progress. With each step, you'll feel more empowered and less paralyzed by uncertainty.

Why people struggle to leave toxic relationships

Even when we know a relationship is damaging, leaving is rarely straightforward. It's a complex web of emotions, memories, and practical obstacles. We struggle because of fear, self-doubt, and love for the person we thought they could be. Toxic relationships often erode our confidence, making us question our ability to thrive on our own.

We also wrestle with cultural narratives that glorify “sticking it out” and demonize walking away. Letting go feels like admitting defeat, even when staying means self-destruction. Understanding these struggles is key. They remind us that leaving is not a failure, but a step toward healing and reclaiming our lives.

The path to letting go of bad relationships

Letting go isn't an event; it's a journey. It doesn't happen all at once, and it's often more difficult than we anticipate. But as with any journey, the first step is acknowledging the need to move forward. Give yourself permission to grieve what was and what never will be. Even if the relationship was harmful, mourning the good moments or lost dreams is natural and necessary.

Lean into self-compassion. You may feel guilt, anger, or even nostalgia. Embrace these emotions as part of the healing process, but don't let them define your future. Surround yourself with people who uplift and understand you. Whether it's friends, family, or a support group, a strong network can make the road less lonely.

Rediscover who you are outside of the relationship. Maybe that means picking up old hobbies, setting new goals, or even just spending time alone to reflect. Self-reconnection isn't indulgent; it's foundational. Over time, you'll find that what once felt insurmountable becomes manageable. Healing is nonlinear, and setbacks don't erase progress.

Ultimately, letting go is an act of self-love. It's choosing peace over pain and freedom over fear. It's recognizing that you deserve a life full of joy, respect, and genuine connection. And yes, it's brave, even when it feels terrifying.

Recommended Resources

• “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie - A classic guide to understanding and breaking free from codependent relationships.
• “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk - Essential reading on how trauma affects the body and mind, and paths toward healing.
• “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - A deep dive into attachment theory and how our attachment styles influence our relationships.