Empaths Are Narcissists (How They Manipulate)

Key Takeaways:

• Narcissists often mimic empathy.
• Empaths and narcissists share emotional wounds.
• Both seek validation and recognition.
• Lack of boundaries makes empaths vulnerable.
• Narcissists weaponize empathy to control others.

Empaths have long held a reputation for their sensitivity, compassion, and deep emotional insight. However, the more you peel back the layers, the more you may find that some empaths and narcissists share unexpected traits. The idea that "empaths are narcissists" can seem contradictory, but this paradox lies at the core of how narcissists skillfully manipulate others. They can use their empathic abilities to mirror emotions, gain trust, and ultimately control their victims. Let's dig deeper into how these seemingly opposite personalities can actually overlap—and why this overlap can become a dangerous game of emotional tug-of-war.

Three surprising ways empaths and narcissists are alike

At first glance, empaths and narcissists appear to be on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. Empaths are renowned for their deep compassion, while narcissists are often labeled as self-centered and manipulative. Yet, beneath these labels, there are striking similarities between the two. These overlapping traits aren't just coincidental—they play a crucial role in the dynamic between these personalities. Let's explore the deeper connections that link these seemingly different types.

1. Both often face childhood neglect.

The roots of both empathic and narcissistic traits frequently trace back to childhood. Many empaths and narcissists grew up in environments where their emotional needs weren't met. In psychology, we know that children deprived of validation and attention may develop defense mechanisms to cope. Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned expert on trauma, explains, “Children in emotionally neglectful homes often learn to read others' emotions to ensure their survival.” For empaths, this can result in an intense drive to care for others, hoping to earn the love they missed out on. Meanwhile, narcissists may overcompensate by demanding that attention from everyone around them, filling the void that childhood neglect left behind.

2. Both crave love, validation, and recognition.

While it might seem that narcissists are brimming with self-confidence, the reality often reveals a more fragile truth. Both empaths and narcissists carry an insatiable need for validation. The difference? Empaths try to earn love by giving endlessly, whereas narcissists demand it. But at the heart of it all, both personalities are driven by a deep fear of being unlovable.

Empaths may throw themselves into relationships, pouring out support and affection, hoping that their kindness will be reciprocated. Narcissists, on the other hand, manipulate situations to draw attention to themselves, often resorting to emotional games. Yet, for both types, the goal remains the same: securing the love they desperately crave.

3. Both struggle with setting boundaries.

Empaths and narcissists may seem like they handle boundaries differently, but both types struggle in their own ways. Empaths often have a hard time saying "no" because they don't want to hurt others' feelings or face rejection. They fear that setting limits will push people away. Unfortunately, this makes them prime targets for manipulation. Narcissists, conversely, bulldoze right through others' boundaries to get what they want. They view limits as challenges to overcome rather than signs of mutual respect.

In both cases, a lack of healthy boundaries stems from an inability to truly value themselves. Empaths believe they must sacrifice their needs to be loved, while narcissists believe they must control others to be admired. It's a different strategy, but it springs from the same well of insecurity.

Different types of empaths you might encounter

Empathy isn't a one-size-fits-all trait. Just as people express their personalities in different ways, empaths vary in how they channel their sensitivity. Understanding these different types can help you identify the patterns in your own relationships—and perhaps recognize when someone uses empathy to manipulate. Let's look at some of the most common types of empaths you'll encounter in life.

1. The Over-Involved Service Empath

This type of empath will bend over backwards to support those around them, often at the cost of their own well-being. They take on other people's burdens as if they were their own. It's as if they believe, “If I don't help, no one else will.” This constant state of giving can feel fulfilling at first, but it quickly leads to exhaustion. The Over-Involved Service Empath often doesn't know how to switch off their caring nature. This makes them vulnerable to manipulative individuals who see their kindness as a resource to exploit.

Psychologist Elaine Aron, who pioneered research on Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs), notes that “over-extending oneself for the sake of others can create a sense of moral superiority but also leads to burnout.” The line between empathy and self-sacrifice can blur, turning what was once a strength into a heavy burden.

2. The Consistent Support Empath

The Consistent Support Empath is steady and reliable, always showing up for the people they care about. They aren't necessarily the loudest voice in the room, but you can count on them to listen and provide thoughtful advice. These empaths excel in long-term relationships where trust is built over time. However, their loyalty can also trap them in unhealthy dynamics.

These empaths often get taken for granted because of their unwavering presence. Narcissists may latch onto them, knowing that they will stick around even when treated poorly. The Consistent Support Empath can become so invested in others' problems that they lose sight of their own needs. This type is at risk of being drained emotionally, often without realizing it until it's too late.

3. The Selectively Giving Empath

Unlike their over-involved counterparts, Selectively Giving Empaths have learned the art of discernment. They don't feel the need to save everyone, and they carefully choose whom to invest their time and energy in. This type of empath sets boundaries, which helps protect their emotional well-being. But while it might seem like they have it all figured out, they still face their own struggles.

Because they are more selective, they may be seen as cold or unapproachable by those who don't understand their boundaries. Selectively Giving Empaths may find themselves second-guessing their decisions, feeling guilty for not helping everyone. This guilt can be a fertile ground for manipulation, especially by those who know how to tug at their heartstrings.

4. The Burnt-Out Empath

This empath type represents what happens when you give and give without any replenishment. The Burnt-Out Empath feels like they have nothing left to offer. They are emotionally, physically, and mentally drained—often from years of putting others first. Their compassion fatigue can lead to resentment, cynicism, and even depression.

Burnt-Out Empaths might withdraw completely, turning into shells of their former selves. This burnout doesn't just happen overnight; it's a slow erosion caused by ignoring their own needs. Ironically, their intense desire to help others is what leaves them feeling so empty in the end. Without proper self-care, these empaths are at risk of losing their spark entirely.

5. The Narcissist Empath

Now, here's where things get really complicated. The Narcissist Empath may sound like a paradox, but this type represents a fascinating intersection between empathy and manipulation. On the surface, they seem to embody everything you'd expect from an empath: sensitivity, a deep understanding of others, and an ability to tune into emotions. But dig a little deeper, and you'll find that their empathy often comes with strings attached.

Unlike other empaths who offer compassion unconditionally, the Narcissist Empath uses their empathy as a tool for control. They know how to read a room, understand people's vulnerabilities, and then leverage that insight to serve their own needs. It's a subtle form of manipulation, making them harder to spot. You might find yourself feeling indebted to them, even though you never asked for their support in the first place. This type is particularly adept at presenting themselves as a savior, only to later use your gratitude to their advantage.

In some cases, they might not even realize they're doing it. Narcissist Empaths often justify their actions by believing they're helping. But the truth is, their empathy comes with a hidden agenda: to be seen, to be admired, or to feel superior. It's a dangerous game that can leave their “victims” emotionally confused and drained, often questioning their own reality.

How narcissists use empathy to trap and control victims (usually other empaths)

Narcissists are often master manipulators, and they understand that empathy can be a powerful tool. But here's the twist: they use their own version of empathy, which is more about perception than genuine concern. It's called “cognitive empathy,” where they understand what someone else is feeling without actually caring about their emotional state. They use this skill to tailor their manipulation tactics, knowing exactly what to say or do to pull at your heartstrings.

For an empath, this can be incredibly disorienting. Empaths naturally assume others feel emotions as deeply as they do. Narcissists exploit this assumption to create a false sense of intimacy. They might start by showering you with attention, making you feel seen and valued in a way you've always longed for. But over time, their kindness morphs into control. This is known as “love bombing,” a tactic designed to reel you in quickly before the emotional manipulation begins.

Once a narcissist has hooked their empathic victim, they often switch to tactics like gaslighting—where they make you question your own reality. This leaves you doubting your perceptions and instincts, making it even easier for them to control you. The cycle repeats: affection followed by manipulation, leaving you trapped in a web of emotional confusion.

What's truly sinister about this dynamic is that narcissists can keep an empath in this loop for years, sometimes even decades. The empath believes they can “fix” the narcissist, not realizing that the narcissist has no intention of changing. It's a painful dance that drains the empath of their emotional resources, often leaving them feeling used, exhausted, and utterly alone.

Recommended Resources

• “The Empath's Survival Guide” by Dr. Judith Orloff - A comprehensive guide on understanding and protecting your energy as an empath.
• “Rethinking Narcissism” by Dr. Craig Malkin - Offers a nuanced view of narcissism, revealing the spectrum of narcissistic traits.
• “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts” by Dr. Gabor Maté - Explores how past trauma shapes behavior, including empathic tendencies.