Dealing with Covert Narcissism (5 Tips)

Key Takeaways:

• Covert narcissists often hide their traits
• Setting firm boundaries is essential
• Passive aggression signals deeper issues
• Emotional support from others is vital
• Knowing when to leave can be empowering

Navigating a relationship with a covert narcissist can feel like walking through a maze where the walls are constantly shifting. At first glance, this person might seem humble, sensitive, or even self-effacing. But underneath that facade lies a complicated web of manipulation, insecurity, and control tactics designed to keep you off balance. It's confusing because unlike overt narcissists who are more obviously self-centered, covert narcissists thrive in subtleties. If you've ever found yourself questioning your own sanity in the presence of someone who appears kind but leaves you feeling drained and insecure, you might be dealing with a covert narcissist. Let's unravel this mystery together.

What exactly is covert narcissism?

When most of us think of narcissism, we imagine someone who's openly arrogant, constantly craving attention, and obsessed with their own image. However, there's a subtler, more insidious type: covert narcissism. A covert narcissist, unlike the loud and proud narcissist, doesn't flaunt their ego. Instead, they hide behind a mask of humility, making it much harder to identify their manipulative tendencies.

Covert narcissism is a quieter, but equally destructive, form of narcissism. It's characterized by passive-aggressive behaviors, hidden insecurities, and a constant need for validation, all wrapped up in a package that appears shy, sensitive, or even introverted. The covert narcissist will rarely demand praise outright but will sulk if they don't receive the recognition they believe they deserve. They use subtle tactics to keep you hooked, creating a cycle of emotional dependency that's hard to break free from.

While a covert narcissist might appear to be empathetic on the surface, their empathy often feels shallow or performative once you scratch below the surface. This complexity can leave you feeling confused and emotionally exhausted. But the confusion isn't your fault—it's a calculated tactic. Recognizing the covert narcissist's patterns is the first step toward protecting yourself.

A brief history of covert narcissism

The concept of narcissism itself dates back to the ancient Greek myth of Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection. However, the term “covert narcissism” didn't gain prominence until the late 20th century. Psychologist Dr. James F. Masterson brought attention to the idea of a “closet narcissist” in the 1980s. These individuals present themselves as victims or martyrs rather than overtly grandiose figures.

Over time, researchers have distinguished between overt and covert narcissism. While overt narcissists are more openly self-aggrandizing, covert narcissists operate under a veil of secrecy. Dr. Craig Malkin, in his book “Rethinking Narcissism,” explores how covert narcissists still exhibit a deep sense of entitlement, but their methods are less obvious and more manipulative.

Recognizable traits of a covert narcissist

It can be tricky to spot the traits of a covert narcissist, as they often present as quiet, caring, and even insecure. But make no mistake, their actions are driven by the same need for control and admiration as their overt counterparts. Here are some key traits:

• Passive-aggression: Instead of openly expressing their anger, covert narcissists use subtle jabs, sarcasm, or backhanded compliments to undermine others.
• Victim mentality: They often position themselves as the misunderstood hero, always on the losing end of life's battles. This draws in sympathy, making it harder to challenge their behaviors.
• Silent treatment: Rather than confronting conflicts, they withdraw emotionally, leaving their partner feeling ignored and anxious.
• Feigning humility: They may appear modest, but their humility is a tactic to bait others into praising them or offering reassurance.
• Emotional withdrawal: Covert narcissists will withhold affection or attention as a form of control, leaving their partner constantly guessing where they stand.

These traits can leave you questioning your reality. The covert narcissist's constant emotional manipulation can erode your self-esteem, making it difficult to recognize the toxic dynamics at play. Remember, these behaviors aren't random; they are calculated moves designed to keep you insecure and reliant on their approval.

What drives covert narcissistic behavior?

The roots of covert narcissism run deep, often stemming from childhood experiences where the person felt unworthy, unseen, or criticized. Unlike overt narcissists, who compensate by becoming overly self-confident, covert narcissists turn inward, harboring a deep-seated sense of inadequacy. This internalized shame drives their need for constant validation, though they seek it through passive means rather than demanding it outright.

Dr. Elinor Greenberg, a psychologist specializing in narcissistic disorders, explains that covert narcissists live in “constant fear of being exposed as flawed.” This fear leads them to carefully curate how others perceive them, often masking their true intentions behind a facade of sensitivity or insecurity. In reality, they manipulate through indirect channels, making you doubt yourself and feel overly responsible for their emotions.

Attachment theory also plays a role here. Covert narcissists often exhibit anxious or avoidant attachment styles, creating an endless cycle of needing closeness while simultaneously pushing others away. They might pull you close with compliments, only to emotionally withdraw once you get too comfortable. Understanding the psychology behind these behaviors can help you make sense of their erratic actions and protect your mental well-being.

How to deal with a covert narcissist in your life

Dealing with a covert narcissist can feel like an emotional minefield. You might not even realize what's happening until you're already caught up in their web of manipulation. The challenge with covert narcissists is that their tactics are subtle and can easily fly under the radar. However, once you identify these behaviors, you can begin to take steps to protect yourself.

The first thing to remember is that you can't change a covert narcissist. Trying to get them to acknowledge their behavior or change their ways will only drain your emotional energy. Instead, the focus should be on how you respond and set boundaries. This doesn't mean it's easy, but it's possible—and crucial for your own mental well-being.

Let's break down some effective strategies for dealing with a covert narcissist. Whether this person is your partner, family member, or colleague, these tips will help you regain control of the situation and prioritize your emotional health.

1. Keep a realistic perspective on the relationship

When you're dealing with a covert narcissist, it's easy to get caught up in their emotional games and lose sight of reality. They may shower you with affection one moment and pull away the next, leaving you questioning your own worth. This emotional push-and-pull is intentional—it keeps you hooked. The first step in breaking free is to see the relationship for what it is, not what you wish it could be.

It's important to recognize that covert narcissists thrive on keeping you off balance. They want you to constantly seek their approval and validation. But here's the truth: you will never meet their expectations because those expectations will always shift. It's like trying to hit a moving target.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author of “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”, notes, “Narcissists create a sense of dependency in their partners by alternating between warmth and coldness.” Understanding this pattern can help you detach emotionally. When you stop seeking their validation, you begin to reclaim your own sense of self-worth.

By staying realistic, you can see through their manipulations and avoid getting pulled into their drama. Remind yourself regularly that the covert narcissist's actions reflect their own insecurities—not your value as a person.

2. Establish and maintain firm boundaries

Setting boundaries is critical when dealing with a covert narcissist. Without clear limits, their behavior will only intensify, leaving you feeling emotionally drained. The truth is, a covert narcissist will rarely respect your boundaries voluntarily. They're experts at pushing the limits and testing your resolve. So, it's up to you to stand firm.

But here's the thing—establishing boundaries isn't just about saying “no.” It's about knowing what you're willing to tolerate and being prepared to enforce those limits, even when it's uncomfortable. A covert narcissist might react with guilt-tripping, silent treatment, or even passive-aggressive behaviors when you draw a line. That's because boundaries disrupt their control, and control is the currency of any narcissist.

Psychotherapist Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps advises, “You have to be willing to hold the line, even when the covert narcissist makes you feel guilty or selfish.” The key is consistency. Don't let them wear you down with their subtle manipulations. The more you hold your ground, the more they'll realize they can't control you as easily.

One effective strategy is to keep your boundaries clear and concise. For instance, if they attempt to overstep, firmly and calmly restate your boundary without justifying yourself. This removes their power to engage you in endless debates. Over time, they'll either back off or reveal their true colors, giving you more clarity on whether the relationship is worth maintaining.

3. Watch out for passive aggression

Covert narcissists often rely on passive-aggressive tactics to get under your skin without being overtly hostile. Unlike an overt narcissist, who might lash out directly, the covert type will use more subtle forms of aggression—like the silent treatment, backhanded compliments, or subtle digs disguised as jokes. These behaviors can leave you feeling confused and questioning yourself. That's precisely their goal.

Why do they do this? For one, passive aggression allows them to maintain the appearance of being the “good person” while still expressing their anger or resentment. This way, they can hurt you without taking responsibility. You might hear things like, “Oh, I was just joking,” or, “You're being too sensitive,” when you call them out. These responses are designed to make you doubt your perceptions.

To deal with this, it's crucial to recognize the passive-aggressive behavior for what it is—an attempt to manipulate and control you. Instead of reacting emotionally, which is what they want, acknowledge the behavior calmly. For example, if they give you the cold shoulder, rather than chasing after their approval, simply let them be. The less emotional energy you invest in their games, the less control they have over you.

Remember, it's not your job to fix their emotional issues. By not taking their bait, you protect your own peace of mind and emotional health.

4. Seek support and fulfillment outside the relationship

Being in a relationship with a covert narcissist can be isolating. They may subtly discourage your connections with friends and family, leaving you feeling like they're the only person you can rely on. This isolation is intentional. It makes you more dependent on them for emotional support, which gives them more power. However, breaking free from their control often starts with reconnecting with the outside world.

Make an effort to spend time with people who genuinely care about you and want the best for you. Whether it's meeting up with a close friend for coffee, joining a support group, or even seeking therapy, building a support network is crucial. It helps you gain perspective on your situation and strengthens your emotional resilience.

Finding fulfillment outside the relationship can also involve pursuing hobbies, passions, or activities that make you feel alive and joyful. Whether it's painting, running, or joining a book club, engaging in activities that bring you happiness serves as a reminder that your life isn't defined by the covert narcissist's approval. It also sends a strong message: your self-worth doesn't depend on them.

Dr. Karyl McBride, author of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?”, suggests, “Rediscovering your passions and interests can reignite your sense of self, which is something a covert narcissist often tries to erode.” By investing in yourself, you create a life where the covert narcissist's influence diminishes, giving you the strength to make healthier decisions about the future of the relationship.

5. Understand when it's time to move on

Let's face it—sometimes, no matter how hard you try, the relationship just isn't salvageable. If you're constantly feeling drained, walking on eggshells, or questioning your sanity, it might be time to consider whether staying is truly in your best interest. One of the hardest things to accept is that you can't change a covert narcissist. They will not suddenly transform into the loving, supportive partner you've hoped for, no matter how much effort you put in.

Recognizing when to walk away requires courage, especially if you've invested significant time and emotional energy. But remember, staying in a toxic relationship can have lasting effects on your mental and physical health. If you're noticing that your self-esteem is plummeting, anxiety is at an all-time high, or you've lost touch with who you are, it's a sign that the relationship may be doing more harm than good.

Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of “The Dance of Anger,” suggests, “Knowing when to leave a relationship is not about giving up—it's about protecting yourself from emotional harm.” Sometimes, leaving is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. Don't wait for the covert narcissist to change, because the harsh truth is, they likely won't. Instead, focus on reclaiming your happiness and sense of self.

Seeking help if you identify as a covert narcissist

If you suspect that you exhibit traits of covert narcissism, acknowledging it is a significant first step. It's not easy to recognize these tendencies in yourself, especially since covert narcissists often see themselves as victims rather than the source of conflict. But self-awareness is the foundation for change. If you're willing to dig deep and explore the root of these behaviors, it's possible to break the cycle.

Seeking help from a mental health professional is crucial. Therapy can help you understand where your need for control, validation, and passive-aggressive tendencies stem from. Often, these traits have deep roots in unresolved childhood trauma, attachment issues, or feelings of inadequacy. By addressing these underlying issues, you can begin to develop healthier ways of relating to others.

Remember, recognizing narcissistic traits in yourself doesn't mean you're doomed to hurt others forever. The willingness to change and seek help sets you apart from those who remain unaware or unwilling to change. It's never too late to grow, learn, and become a better version of yourself.

Covert narcissism's impact on mental health

Whether you're in a relationship with a covert narcissist or you identify as one, the impact on mental health can be profound. Covert narcissists often experience chronic feelings of emptiness, inadequacy, and depression. Because they lack the self-awareness to confront these feelings directly, they project their pain onto others, creating a cycle of dysfunction.

For those on the receiving end, the constant emotional manipulation can lead to anxiety, depression, and even symptoms of post-traumatic stress. It's not uncommon to develop “narcissistic victim syndrome,” a condition where the victim feels isolated, confused, and emotionally depleted. If you find yourself constantly questioning your reality or struggling with feelings of worthlessness, know that these are common experiences when dealing with a covert narcissist.

The good news? Healing is possible. By seeking therapy, surrounding yourself with supportive people, and prioritizing self-care, you can start to rebuild your sense of self. It's essential to recognize that your mental health matters, and it's okay to put your own well-being first.

Recommended Resources

• The Dance of Anger by Dr. Harriet Lerner
• Rethinking Narcissism by Dr. Craig Malkin
• Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Dr. Karyl McBride