15 Ways to Make an Avoidant Chase You (Surprising!)

Key Takeaways:

• Don't chase the avoidant
• Stay mysterious and unpredictable
• Space and patience are crucial
• Body language speaks volumes
• Educate yourself on attachment styles

Attachment styles shape our romantic experiences, and navigating the dynamics with an avoidant partner can feel like an emotional labyrinth. You probably feel frustrated, even defeated, when their retreat triggers a desperate desire to hold them closer. Let's explore practical, effective ways to draw them back toward you, using psychology to our advantage. And yes, you can spark that desire without losing yourself.

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, provides the framework we need here. Avoidants value independence; they're wired to pull away when emotional intimacy grows too intense. Yet, despite this push-pull dynamic, understanding their patterns gives us a shot at changing the game. Buckle up—your journey to making an avoidant chase you begins now.

The avoidant style of attachment: What is it?

Understanding avoidant attachment begins with acknowledging how early experiences shape emotional patterns. The avoidant attachment style, one of the four main attachment types, emerges when a child grows up in an environment where their emotional needs aren't consistently met. This results in adults who find comfort in self-reliance and are wary of deep emotional intimacy.

But wait—it's not all about cold-heartedness. Avoidants don't hate love; they fear being engulfed by it. Relationships feel overwhelming to them, so their coping mechanism becomes to pull away when things heat up. As Dr. Amir Levine, author of Attached, explains, “Avoidants deactivate attachment systems, meaning they downplay the importance of relationships in order to remain self-sufficient.” This pattern often frustrates partners longing for connection.

Attachment styles aren't destiny, though. Once you understand why avoidants act as they do, you can find ways to navigate the emotional landmines. Keep this in mind as we move forward: your avoidant partner isn't running from you personally; they're running from vulnerability.

Do avoidants ever chase?

This is the million-dollar question, right? The short answer is yes, but not in the traditional, romantic way you might imagine. Avoidants can feel drawn to people who strike a balance between giving them space and creating intrigue. The key lies in appealing to their deep, often unconscious need for independence while still offering just enough emotional connection.

Think of it like this: an avoidant won't chase someone who seems desperate for closeness. They are far more likely to pursue someone who embodies strength, confidence, and a touch of mystery. It's about subtly piquing their interest while respecting their boundaries.

Of course, there are exceptions. In some cases, an avoidant will chase if their fear of losing you overpowers their fear of intimacy. But be warned—if you want them to truly invest in you, playing hard-to-get without being dismissive is an art worth mastering.

How you can effectively attract an avoidant individual

So, how do we make them feel secure enough to draw closer? First, focus on creating a solid sense of self. Avoidants respect people who respect themselves. If you exude confidence and have a life full of interests outside of the relationship, you become someone they see as a partner rather than a burden.

We must also remember that avoidants thrive when there's balance. Show interest, but don't smother them. Be available, but not overly so. It's a delicate dance between affection and independence, requiring patience and understanding. This might feel counterintuitive if you crave more intimacy, but trust me—it can be a game-changer.

Another thing? Establish healthy communication patterns. Gently express your needs without making them feel trapped. If they sense an ultimatum or emotional pressure, they'll be out the door faster than you can say “attachment style.” It's a learning curve, but with the right approach, you can draw them closer, step by tentative step.

15 ways to make an avoidant individual chase you

When it comes to creating the perfect strategy to get an avoidant person to pursue you, it's about understanding the subtle push-and-pull game they respond to. Let's break down 15 actionable techniques that can make a real impact, starting with the most crucial step.

1. Don't chase the avoidant

This one is foundational: resist the urge to chase. It might seem paradoxical, but showing too much eagerness turns them off. Remember, avoidants are hypersensitive to feeling emotionally smothered. If you find yourself tempted to text them repeatedly or seek constant reassurance, pause.

Instead, lean into the power of nonchalance. Be calm and collected in your interactions. The moment they sense you're not trying too hard, curiosity sparks. Your cool demeanor becomes a magnetic force, pulling them back. Trust that giving them space ignites intrigue.

2. Stay mysterious

Who doesn't love a good enigma? Avoidants do, especially. One of the best ways to get their attention is by maintaining an air of mystery. Share just enough about yourself to be interesting, but keep some parts of your life private. Maybe you don't immediately explain that cryptic smile when they ask what you're thinking.

Don't spill your life story all at once. Slowly reveal who you are, layer by layer. This element of unpredictability keeps them hooked. They'll wonder about you, drawn to the challenge of piecing together the puzzle.

Remember, being mysterious doesn't mean playing hard-to-get or being dishonest. It's about preserving a sense of independence and keeping them intrigued. An avoidant thrives on being interested, not overwhelmed, so lean into your inner mystery.

3. The waiting game works

Patience isn't just a virtue; it's a necessity with an avoidant partner. Avoidants take longer to feel safe in relationships, so waiting for them to come around can yield surprisingly positive results. If they've pulled away, don't chase them. Instead, sit back and wait for them to initiate contact.

Now, this doesn't mean you're sitting around doing nothing. Focus on your own life, passions, and goals. Letting them feel your absence without being pressured invites a natural pull-back dynamic. In time, they'll start wondering why you aren't reaching out, and that curiosity may lead to them seeking you out.

“Time and patience are the greatest warriors,” wrote Leo Tolstoy. In relationships with avoidants, those words ring especially true. Wait, and they'll often come to you.

4. Give them space

Space isn't a punishment. It's a gift you can give both to your partner and to yourself. Avoidants crave solitude because it makes them feel secure and grounded. Offering them space shows you respect their emotional needs, even when it feels counterintuitive.

So, what does this look like in practice? If they need to take a few days to themselves, don't bombard them with texts or calls. Instead, focus on your well-being. Space allows them to miss you and reflect on your value in their life. Plus, respecting their boundaries lays the groundwork for a stronger connection later on.

Ultimately, space lets the relationship breathe, and that's something avoidants absolutely need to feel safe.

5. Patience is crucial

Rushing an avoidant will only backfire. Let's be real: you can't change someone's attachment style overnight. The process of building trust with an avoidant is slow and requires more patience than many of us are used to.

Think of it as planting a tree. You can't expect it to grow into a strong oak within days. You have to nurture it, give it sunlight, and wait. Same goes for your relationship. Trust that the seeds you're planting now will yield meaningful results down the road.

Remember, it's about their timeline, not yours. Be patient, and you'll see how they slowly become more comfortable opening up.

6. Don't rush them

Pushing for commitment or expecting them to match your emotional intensity will only send them running for the hills. Avoidants hate feeling rushed into anything, especially when it comes to emotional intimacy.

Instead, take things one step at a time. If they need more time to define the relationship, respect that. If they aren't ready to share everything about their past, let them reveal what they're comfortable with when they're ready. It's a delicate dance, but moving slowly is key.

Trust that, in their own time, they'll catch up emotionally if you give them the grace they need to do so.

7. Consider a social media detox

Social media can wreak havoc on any relationship, but it's particularly damaging when dealing with an avoidant. Constantly checking their profiles, analyzing who they're following, or worrying about why they haven't liked your latest post breeds insecurity and frustration.

Sometimes, taking a break from social media helps reset your focus. It gives you time to connect with your real-world interests and friendships. Plus, when they notice that you're not constantly active online, it might pique their interest.

A digital detox isn't about making them chase you; it's about giving both of you a healthier mental space. You'll feel more balanced, and they'll be less overwhelmed.

8. Focus on your physical appearance

Let's be honest: physical attraction matters, especially in the initial stages of getting someone's attention. While this doesn't mean you need to change who you are, investing a little extra time in your appearance can make a difference.

Whether it's trying out a new outfit, freshening up your hairstyle, or hitting the gym, taking care of yourself radiates confidence. Avoidants are drawn to people who seem independent and put-together. Looking your best not only attracts their attention but also boosts your own self-esteem.

Remember, it's not about superficiality. It's about feeling good in your skin and showing that you prioritize self-care. When you glow from the inside out, they can't help but notice.

9. Use your body language

Actions often speak louder than words, especially with an avoidant partner. Body language plays a massive role in how we communicate attraction and interest. A subtle touch on their arm, a genuine smile, or making consistent but non-intense eye contact can convey your feelings without overwhelming them.

Maintain open body language. Keep your arms relaxed and your posture inviting. Lean in slightly when they're talking to show you're engaged, but be careful not to come across as too eager. Sometimes, a confident walk and a relaxed demeanor can make a bigger impact than any well-crafted sentence ever could.

Be mindful of how they respond to physical closeness. Take cues from their reactions, and adjust accordingly. Your presence should feel warm and comfortable, not suffocating.

10. Boost the ego

This might sound manipulative, but hear me out: genuine compliments can go a long way. Avoidants often put up walls to protect their self-esteem, which may be more fragile than it appears. A little ego boost reassures them that they're valued and respected.

Instead of empty flattery, focus on specific qualities. Maybe they're amazing at their job, or they have a unique way of looking at the world. Let them know you notice. When you highlight their strengths, they'll feel more confident and comfortable around you.

Keep it authentic. People can tell when you're not being sincere, and avoidants are especially perceptive. Meaningful praise can create a sense of security that makes them more likely to pursue you.

11. Share vulnerabilities

This one requires a bit of finesse. Sharing your vulnerabilities doesn't mean dumping all your emotional baggage at once. It's about opening up in a way that invites connection without pressuring them to reciprocate right away.

For example, share a story about a time you faced a challenge or how you learned an important life lesson. Let them see that you're human, but make sure your vulnerability is balanced with a message of resilience. This shows that you're emotionally aware and self-sufficient, traits avoidants respect.

Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability, writes, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” Opening up, even just a little, can foster a deeper connection without overwhelming your avoidant partner.

12. Positive reinforcement

Remember, everyone loves feeling appreciated. With an avoidant, it's especially crucial to acknowledge when they make an effort in the relationship. Did they open up a bit more than usual? Or did they show affection in their unique way? Let them know you appreciate it.

“Thank you for sharing that with me” or “I really enjoyed spending time with you today” can work wonders. Positive reinforcement encourages them to keep connecting. It signals that they're safe and valued, creating a positive feedback loop in your interactions.

Be consistent but not over-the-top. A little recognition goes a long way without making them feel like you're keeping score.

13. Enjoy quality time together

Quality time doesn't always have to mean deep, heart-to-heart conversations. In fact, avoidants often prefer low-pressure activities where intimacy develops naturally. Go for a hike, watch a movie, or cook a meal together. Shared experiences can strengthen your bond without the need for heavy emotional exchanges.

Find activities that you both enjoy. Maybe it's a hobby they're passionate about or something that lets you both relax. By being present in the moment and having fun, you show them that being with you doesn't always have to be intense or overwhelming.

Remember: quality over quantity. It's not about spending every waking moment together; it's about making the moments you do share meaningful.

14. Educate yourself

Knowledge is power, and understanding attachment styles can transform your relationship. Take the time to read books, listen to podcasts, or even consult with a therapist to better comprehend what drives avoidant behavior.

The more you learn, the more empathy you'll develop. You'll understand that their actions aren't a reflection of your worth but rather a result of their attachment history. This can help you manage your expectations and respond in ways that support both of you.

“Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is a great starting point. The more you know, the better equipped you'll be to navigate the complexities of your relationship. Empower yourself with information, and you'll find yourself feeling more confident and less anxious.

15. Consider professional help

Sometimes, no matter how many strategies you try, progress feels out of reach. That's when professional help can be a game-changer. Therapy isn't just for “fixing” issues; it's a proactive step toward understanding and improving your relationship dynamics. Couples therapy or even individual sessions can provide tools to communicate more effectively and manage expectations.

A licensed therapist can help you both explore attachment patterns and figure out ways to bridge the emotional gap. If your partner resists the idea of therapy, consider going on your own. Learning about yourself and your needs is never a wasted effort.

Therapy can feel intimidating at first, but it often leads to breakthroughs that foster genuine connection. Don't underestimate the power of professional insight in navigating the complexities of an avoidant relationship.

Commonly asked questions

Let's address some burning questions you might have about dealing with avoidants. These answers will give you more clarity and practical guidance.

How do you make an avoidant obsess over you?

While the word “obsess” may be strong, you can definitely make an avoidant think about you frequently by becoming a secure and intriguing presence in their life. Focus on your own passions and projects, maintain an element of mystery, and avoid being too available.

Confidence is key. If they see that you're happy and fulfilled without relying on them, their curiosity will naturally grow. Respect their boundaries, show genuine interest in their world, but keep a healthy dose of independence.

Ultimately, the goal isn't to make them obsess, but to create a dynamic where they feel drawn to you. Intrigue and balance are your best friends here.

Does an avoidant want you to chase them?

Contrary to what you might think, avoidants don't want you to chase them. In fact, being chased can feel suffocating and trigger their need for distance. They are more attracted to people who are confident, self-sufficient, and respectful of their space.

When you chase, it signals desperation, which is a major turn-off for someone who values independence. Instead, focus on being someone they want to come toward. Give them the freedom they crave, and you'll notice that they'll start leaning in, albeit slowly.

It's a subtle art: be there, but don't overwhelm. Show interest, but don't suffocate.

Who do avoidants attract?

Avoidants often find themselves attracting people with anxious attachment styles. Why? Because the push-pull dynamic creates a cycle that feels familiar, even if it's unhealthy. Anxiously attached individuals crave closeness, while avoidants crave distance, setting the stage for a classic cat-and-mouse game.

However, they can also attract secure individuals who are patient and understanding. These people provide a calming presence that allows avoidants to feel safe over time. If you have a secure attachment style and find yourself with an avoidant, your grounded nature can create a strong foundation for growth.

At the end of the day, the most fulfilling relationships occur when both partners work on understanding and adjusting their attachment behaviors. Awareness and effort make all the difference.

Do avoidants even care about you?

It's easy to feel like your avoidant partner doesn't care. After all, their behavior can come across as detached, indifferent, or even cold. But here's the truth: avoidants do care, sometimes deeply, but their fear of vulnerability and intimacy masks those feelings.

Underneath the surface, they often experience the same longing for connection that you do. They want to love and be loved, but their protective mechanisms get in the way. When things get too close, they back off—not because they don't care, but because they feel unsafe or overwhelmed.

In many cases, avoidants care deeply but express love differently. They may show affection through actions rather than words. Look for signs, like them helping you with something important or being there in a crisis. These gestures can be their way of demonstrating commitment without verbalizing it.

So, yes, they do care. It just looks different from what you might expect, and understanding that difference can help bridge the gap between you.

For a happy ‘avoidant' relationship

Happiness in a relationship with an avoidant partner is possible, but it requires a unique approach. First and foremost, know your own attachment style. Are you secure, anxious, or avoidant yourself? Understanding your own triggers will help you navigate the complexities that come with an avoidant partner.

Set boundaries, but do so lovingly. Make it clear what you need to feel safe and connected while respecting their need for space. Compromise will be key. This isn't about sacrificing your needs or making constant accommodations—it's about finding a middle ground where both partners feel valued.

Communication is crucial. Learn to express your needs clearly, without blame or judgment. Use “I” statements, like, “I feel disconnected when we don't talk about our feelings. Can we find a way to work on that?” This method reduces defensiveness and opens the door for productive dialogue.

Finally, don't be afraid to take breaks when things get heated. Both of you may need time to process your emotions separately before coming back to the conversation. A happy relationship with an avoidant doesn't mean conflict-free, but it does mean being willing to work through challenges with empathy and respect.

Recommended Resources

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
• The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Dr. Diane Poole Heller