5 Ways To Handle Gaslighting (And Turn Off The Gas!)

Key Takeaways:

• Gaslighting is psychological manipulation.
• Set boundaries to regain control.
• Separate facts from distortions.
• Focus on emotional well-being.
• Release the need to convince others.

Have you ever found yourself doubting your own reality because of someone else's words? Gaslighting isn't just a buzzword—it's a subtle, dangerous form of emotional manipulation that can leave you questioning your own sanity. It usually starts small, like questioning your memory of a conversation, and slowly escalates until you're unsure of your own thoughts. The term 'gaslighting' came from the 1944 film "Gaslight," where a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her reality, slowly driving her into a breakdown. But gaslighting isn't just something that happens in old movies. It's real, and it's happening in relationships, families, and workplaces today. So, how do we recognize it, and more importantly, how do we stop it? Let's dive in.

What exactly is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse out there. It's not just about lying or manipulating—it's about creating a narrative that makes you question your own reality. This type of psychological manipulation can make you feel like you're losing your mind. The term "gaslighting" comes from the 1940s film Gaslight, where a husband cleverly manipulates his wife into thinking she's going crazy by dimming the lights and denying it when she notices. This isn't just fiction—it happens in real life, and often in the most intimate of relationships.

At its core, gaslighting involves twisting facts, denying the truth, or making you doubt your own perceptions and feelings. It's a slow burn. What begins as subtle corrections can morph into full-on attacks on your memory, sanity, and self-worth. You may start asking yourself, "Am I overreacting?" or "Is this all in my head?" Before long, you're second-guessing everything, even the things you were once sure of.

Dr. Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect, explains that the goal of gaslighting is to “gain power over the victim by breaking down their trust in themselves.” When someone convinces you to mistrust your thoughts, it gives them control over your reality. The more you doubt yourself, the easier it becomes for the gaslighter to manipulate you.

Turning off the gas: How to take control

Let's be real—realizing you've been gaslit can feel like being hit by a truck. It's disorienting, it's painful, and it can leave you questioning everything about yourself. But here's the good news: you can regain your confidence and get your life back on track. The key to handling gaslighting lies in taking a step back, recognizing the manipulation, and reclaiming your power. It's about turning off the "gas" that's fueling this toxic dynamic.

Taking control isn't always easy. It often involves setting boundaries, refusing to engage in circular arguments, and learning how to stand firm in your truth. Yes, you can stop being a target, but it takes a shift in mindset. You need to believe that you're not obligated to convince anyone of your reality. And let's be honest—trying to win an argument with a gaslighter is like trying to catch smoke. It's exhausting, and you'll rarely get the validation you're seeking.

So, where do we start? Let's break it down into actionable steps. These strategies can help you sort through the mess and protect your mental health, even if the gaslighter refuses to change.

1. Distinguish truth from manipulation

When you're in the thick of gaslighting, it can feel like your mind is spinning. Suddenly, everything seems uncertain. But here's a hard truth: not every disagreement is gaslighting, and not every manipulative person is intentionally gaslighting you. The first step is to separate fact from distortion. Pay attention to patterns. Does this person consistently deny things that clearly happened, or twist conversations to paint you as the villain? If so, you might be dealing with gaslighting.

One way to ground yourself is by keeping a journal of events. Write down conversations and situations as they happen. Document how you felt in the moment. This isn't about proving a point to the gaslighter—it's about reminding yourself of the reality you experienced. When gaslighting causes you to question your memories, having a record can be a powerful anchor to your truth.

Psychologists refer to this process as reality testing. It's a method often used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help people differentiate between thoughts based on fact and those rooted in fear or manipulation. This isn't about convincing the gaslighter—they may never admit to what they're doing—but it's about fortifying your own sense of reality.

2. Recognize if it's a power struggle

Let's face it—sometimes arguments are less about resolving an issue and more about establishing control. Gaslighting, at its core, is a tactic used to gain power over someone else. Recognizing when a conversation has shifted into a power struggle can be your first line of defense against manipulation. When someone constantly tries to assert dominance by denying your reality or belittling your feelings, you're not dealing with a fair fight. You're dealing with someone trying to control you.

Think about how you feel after these interactions. Do you feel drained, anxious, or confused? That's because power struggles are emotionally taxing. The gaslighter may try to provoke you, turning every disagreement into a battlefield. The goal is not to find a solution but to leave you feeling defeated. Psychologists have noted that people who engage in gaslighting often have narcissistic tendencies. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist, notes, “Narcissists thrive on controlling the narrative. If they can make you doubt yourself, they win.”

So, how can you recognize when things have turned into a power struggle? Pay attention to patterns of behavior. If the other person shuts down discussions, changes the topic when they're losing, or uses personal attacks, they're trying to keep you on the defensive. In these cases, it's best to disengage. You can't win a game that's rigged against you. Focus on protecting your mental health instead.

3. Uncover triggers for both parties

Every relationship has its triggers—those sensitive topics or behaviors that set off strong reactions. When dealing with gaslighting, understanding these triggers is crucial. Not just for the gaslighter but also for yourself. Often, gaslighting thrives in an environment where both parties feel threatened or insecure. Recognizing these underlying triggers can help you defuse tense situations before they escalate.

Start by reflecting on your own emotional reactions. What are the topics or behaviors that make you feel most vulnerable? Knowing your triggers can help you stay grounded when the gaslighting begins. It's also worth noting that gaslighters have their own triggers. They might lash out or try to manipulate when they feel cornered or exposed. By understanding what sets them off, you can navigate conversations more strategically.

According to research in emotional intelligence, being aware of triggers is the first step toward emotional regulation. When you know what sets you off, you can take proactive steps to avoid falling into the same traps. This doesn't mean walking on eggshells to appease the gaslighter; rather, it's about managing your own emotional responses so you don't get sucked into their vortex of manipulation.

Remember: it's not about trying to change the gaslighter's behavior. You can't control someone else's reactions, but you can control how you respond. By becoming aware of these triggers, you can protect yourself from being manipulated into self-doubt or guilt.

4. Prioritize feelings over being right

Let's be honest—when you're being gaslit, it's natural to want to prove you're right. You might feel the urge to bring out all the evidence, replay conversations in your head, or even keep screenshots to show that you're not imagining things. But here's the thing: gaslighters are experts at twisting logic to suit their agenda. Trying to "win" by proving a point often leads to frustration and more manipulation. Instead of focusing on who's right, try to center the conversation on feelings.

Ask yourself: How do I feel in this moment? How do their words make me feel? Shifting the focus to your emotions rather than their accusations can help you disengage from their attempts to twist the truth. It's much harder for a gaslighter to argue against your feelings because they belong to you. They might dismiss them or try to downplay their significance, but your feelings are valid, regardless of how they're perceived.

As relationship expert Dr. Harriet Lerner wisely points out in her book The Dance of Anger, “Holding on to the need to be right can cost you the relationship and, more importantly, your peace of mind.” By shifting from trying to prove a point to expressing your feelings, you shift the dynamic. It's no longer about winning or losing; it's about preserving your emotional health and setting boundaries.

Prioritizing feelings over being right can prevent endless debates and emotional exhaustion. It also allows you to maintain your dignity and self-respect in situations where the gaslighter refuses to acknowledge the truth. So, the next time you find yourself caught in a heated argument, take a deep breath and redirect the focus to how you're feeling, not the accusations being thrown your way.

5. Accept you can't change opinions

Here's a tough pill to swallow: You can't change a gaslighter's opinion. No amount of explaining, debating, or presenting evidence will make them see your side. Why? Because gaslighting isn't about the truth—it's about control. The more you try to convince them, the deeper you sink into their manipulative game. At some point, you have to accept that their perception isn't your responsibility. Let that sink in.

When you release the need to change someone's opinion, you regain your power. This is one of the hardest yet most liberating steps in breaking free from gaslighting. The moment you stop trying to win them over, you free up mental space for yourself. This isn't about giving up; it's about setting yourself free. Remember, you deserve to live in peace without constantly justifying yourself.

It's also important to realize that gaslighters thrive on your desire to be understood. By letting go of this need, you effectively take away their power to manipulate you. As Brené Brown, a renowned researcher on vulnerability, puts it, “You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” Stop hustling for their approval and start valuing your own perspective.

Ultimately, the goal is to protect your mental well-being, not to convince someone who refuses to see the truth. It may feel like a loss initially, but it's actually a victory for your emotional freedom.

Recommended Resources

• The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern - A deep dive into how gaslighting works and how to break free from its grip.
• The Dance of Anger by Dr. Harriet Lerner - Insights on managing conflict, setting boundaries, and protecting your emotional well-being.
• Daring Greatly by Brené Brown - A guide to embracing vulnerability and self-worth in the face of manipulation.