The Hardest Year Of Marriage (10th Anniversary)

Key Takeaways:

• 10th year is often the toughest
• Media shapes marriage expectations
• Teamwork crucial for overcoming struggles
• Open communication builds resilience
• Prioritize intimacy and connection

We often enter marriage with high hopes, fueled by stories of happily-ever-afters and romantic Hollywood endings. But the reality of a long-term relationship can feel different—especially as you hit that 10-year mark. Research shows that the 10th year of marriage can be one of the toughest. Why? This is often when couples start feeling the weight of unspoken issues, parenting challenges, and unmet expectations. It's when the fantasy fades, and real life kicks in.

But don't worry—you're not alone. Countless couples experience this, and the struggle doesn't mean the end. It's just a new phase. The good news? With the right approach, the 10-year mark can become a turning point that leads to even deeper love and understanding. Let's dive into why this happens and how we can navigate it together.

The hardest year of marriage happens around your 10th anniversary

The first few years of marriage often come with excitement and passion. You're in the honeymoon phase, and everything feels like a new adventure. But fast forward to your 10th year, and it's not unusual for that initial spark to feel like it's dimming. In fact, many couples find themselves questioning, “Is this really it?” According to research, this 10-year mark is a pivotal point where cracks in the relationship, once small and ignored, can widen into deep chasms.

What makes this year particularly hard? For many, it's the realization that the idealized version of marriage they've held onto doesn't quite align with reality. The daily grind, raising kids, juggling careers, and the sheer weight of adult responsibilities can take a toll. Psychologically, couples may experience what's known as the "ten-year itch"—a feeling of restlessness or dissatisfaction that can lead to questioning whether the relationship is worth the effort. It's a classic example of the hedonic treadmill, where the initial joy fades, and you're left wanting more.

But, here's the truth: this isn't a sign that your marriage is doomed. Rather, it's a signal that your relationship is entering a new stage, one that requires different tools and mindsets. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, relationship expert John Gottman highlights that “the key to a lasting relationship is the ability to repair.” If you can navigate this tough period, your bond can actually become even stronger.

How Disney plays into the 'ten year itch'

It might sound strange, but Disney has a lot to answer for when it comes to our expectations of marriage. Growing up on a steady diet of princesses being swept off their feet and living happily ever after sets many of us up for a fantasy that real-life marriage simply can't live up to. This can create what psychologists call the “Disney Effect,” where we subconsciously believe that a happy relationship is one that's free of struggle.

In reality, every marriage has its share of ups and downs. But when those tough moments hit, and they inevitably will, we're often caught off guard. We compare our relationship to those fairy tales, wondering why our partner isn't fulfilling our every need or whisking us away on a magic carpet ride. By the 10th year, when the initial shine has worn off, it's easy to feel like something is fundamentally wrong.

But real love is less about sweeping gestures and more about showing up every day, even when things get messy. It's about choosing each other again and again, despite the challenges. Understanding that marriage isn't supposed to be perfect is the first step in letting go of unrealistic expectations.

Ten proven ways to avoid 'the end' after 10 years

Now that we understand why the 10-year mark can feel so challenging, let's talk about what we can do to turn things around. The good news? This doesn't have to be the end. With the right strategies, you can reignite that spark and deepen your connection. Let's dive into ten actionable steps you can take to overcome this hurdle.

1. Get to the root of your issues

By the time you hit your 10th year of marriage, certain issues have likely been swept under the rug for years. This is where resentment starts to build. Rather than letting things fester, it's crucial to sit down and have those tough conversations you've been avoiding. Be honest, not only with your partner but also with yourself. What's really bothering you? Is it truly about who does the dishes, or is it about feeling unappreciated or taken for granted?

Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading expert in couples therapy, emphasizes the importance of what she calls “emotional responsiveness.” In her book Hold Me Tight, she writes, “The best way to find your way back to your partner is to first find your way back to your own heart.” By addressing the deeper emotional needs that lie beneath the surface conflicts, you can start to rebuild trust and closeness.

This doesn't mean solving every problem overnight, but rather creating a space where both of you can express your feelings without fear of being dismissed. It's about understanding that behind every criticism lies a hidden wish or need. Listen, really listen, to what your partner is saying, even if it's hard to hear.

2. Acknowledge the struggle of raising kids

There's no sugarcoating it—raising kids is tough. They're adorable, funny, and bring so much joy, but they also push us to the brink of exhaustion. By the time you reach your 10th year of marriage, you've likely weathered sleepless nights, school projects, tantrums, and endless rounds of “What's for dinner?” It's no wonder that many couples find themselves feeling more like co-parents than partners.

One of the biggest challenges is the toll parenting takes on your emotional and physical energy. It's not uncommon to feel like you're running on empty. And let's be real, when you're both tired and overwhelmed, it's hard to prioritize each other. But acknowledging that raising kids is a marathon, not a sprint, can help. Remind yourselves that you're both doing your best. You're in the trenches together, and that's what truly matters.

Instead of seeing your partner as an obstacle or someone who “isn't helping enough,” try to see them as your ally. You're both juggling a lot, and recognizing that can create more empathy. When you approach parenting as a team, it becomes less about who's doing more and more about how you can support each other through the tough times.

3. Remember you're on the same team

It's easy to lose sight of this, especially when disagreements arise. But at the end of the day, you and your spouse are on the same team. You're not enemies battling to see who can prove their point or win the argument. In fact, treating each other as opponents only deepens the divide.

Psychologically, this ties into the concept of “us versus them.” When we feel attacked, we automatically go into defense mode. But if you shift the mindset to “us versus the problem,” everything changes. This is where collaboration comes in. Remember, you're facing challenges together, not each other.

Instead of arguing over who's right, try asking yourselves, “What can we do to solve this problem as a team?” This small shift can help you refocus on what truly matters: staying connected, even when things get rough. And honestly, isn't that what marriage is all about?

4. Beware of falling into power struggles

Power struggles can creep into a marriage without either partner realizing it. It starts small—maybe it's over who takes out the trash or who handles the finances—but over time, it can morph into a battle for control. And when couples hit that 10-year mark, these struggles can reach a breaking point.

Why does this happen? It often stems from feeling unappreciated or unheard. According to Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, power struggles often arise when one partner feels like their needs aren't being met. Instead of addressing the underlying issues, couples fall into the trap of trying to “win” against each other.

The truth is, nobody wins in a power struggle. The more you dig in your heels, the more your partner does the same, and before you know it, you're both stuck. Instead, focus on understanding where your partner is coming from. You might be surprised by how much smoother things go when you prioritize connection over control.

5. Keep your focus on the bigger picture

Marriage is a long game, not a series of isolated events. Yes, the daily grind can be tough, especially after a decade together, but it's essential to keep your eyes on the bigger picture. What brought you together in the first place? What are the shared dreams that still matter to both of you?

When you're knee-deep in the challenges of everyday life, it's easy to forget why you chose each other. But taking a step back and reminding yourselves of your shared goals and values can reignite that sense of purpose. Maybe it's planning for retirement, traveling the world, or simply growing old together with a deep, lasting connection.

Keep coming back to those long-term visions, especially when things get rocky. It's like resetting your compass—you may have drifted off course, but knowing where you're headed can bring you back together. And sometimes, that's all you need to weather the storm.

6. Open up more and ask deeper questions

After ten years of marriage, it's easy to slip into the same old patterns of communication—talking about logistics, the kids, bills, and chores. But when was the last time you asked your partner a truly meaningful question? Something that goes beyond the surface-level day-to-day chatter?

Opening up more means letting yourself be vulnerable again. It's about reigniting that curiosity you had when you first started dating. Ask about their dreams, their fears, their thoughts on the future. Even if you think you already know your partner inside and out, you'd be surprised at what's still left to discover. This kind of deeper emotional intimacy creates a foundation that can withstand the pressures of life.

According to psychologist Arthur Aron's famous study on intimacy, couples who ask each other deep, probing questions and share their responses experience a boost in closeness. It's not just about talking more—it's about talking better.

7. Find new ways to celebrate together

Celebrations aren't just for birthdays and anniversaries. In fact, one of the best ways to keep your marriage strong is to find small, everyday moments to celebrate. This can be as simple as toasting to the end of a long week with a glass of wine or going for an impromptu walk together after dinner. It's about making space to reconnect and celebrate each other, even when life feels hectic.

Couples who actively create positive experiences together tend to feel more satisfied in their relationships. These shared moments build a reservoir of happy memories that can help sustain you when times get tough. As relationship coach Esther Perel puts it, “The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships.” By prioritizing joy and playfulness, you can keep that sense of connection alive.

8. Make intimacy a priority

Let's talk about sex. Yes, it's one of those topics that can make people uncomfortable, but it's a vital part of a healthy marriage. By the time you reach your 10th year together, it's not unusual for intimacy to take a backseat to other responsibilities. But here's the thing: intimacy is what sets your relationship apart from every other one in your life.

Intimacy goes beyond physical connection—it's about emotional closeness and feeling understood. Making time for intimacy, whether it's through physical touch, long conversations, or simply being present with each other, is crucial for keeping your marriage strong. Studies have shown that couples who maintain a healthy sex life report higher levels of happiness and satisfaction in their relationship.

If you're feeling disconnected, it might be time to ask yourself (and your partner) what's missing. Reignite the spark by trying new things, being playful, and, most importantly, communicating about your desires and needs.

9. Tackle difficult topics directly

Many couples shy away from hard conversations, thinking it's better to keep the peace. But bottling up issues only leads to resentment over time. By the 10-year mark, avoiding tough topics can turn small annoyances into major sources of tension. Whether it's about money, parenting, or unfulfilled expectations, it's better to address these issues head-on.

When you avoid difficult conversations, you're essentially putting a band-aid over a deeper wound. Dr. Brené Brown, known for her work on vulnerability, says, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Being honest—even when it's uncomfortable—builds trust and can prevent issues from spiraling out of control.

So, find the courage to bring up those conversations you've been avoiding. Approach them with empathy, not blame. The goal isn't to “win” the argument, but to understand each other better.

10. Address mid-life crises head-on

The mid-life crisis—it's almost a cliché at this point, but that doesn't make it any less real. For many, hitting the 10-year mark in marriage coincides with entering mid-life. This can be a time of significant introspection and change. It's a period when people start questioning their choices, careers, and even their relationships.

If your partner seems distant or restless, don't panic. This doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is in trouble. Often, it's about them grappling with their own sense of identity and purpose. Instead of taking it personally, have open conversations about what's going on. Be supportive, even if you don't fully understand what they're going through.

Mid-life crises don't have to break a marriage. In fact, they can serve as a catalyst for deeper connection, as long as you're willing to navigate the uncertainty together.

Don't forget — your partner isn't disposable

In a world where everything feels replaceable, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking, “Maybe I'd be happier with someone else.” But long-term relationships are built on commitment, not convenience. Your partner isn't disposable. They're a human being who's chosen to spend their life with you.

When you hit that 10-year rough patch, it's tempting to wonder if the grass is greener elsewhere. But remember: every relationship has its seasons. Winter doesn't mean the end; it just means spring is coming if you're willing to weather the storm together. Love isn't just a feeling—it's a choice you make every day, even when it's hard.

Recommended Resources

These books can provide deeper insights into maintaining a lasting, fulfilling marriage:

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
• Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel