Excerpted from
Prenups for Lovers: A Romantic Guide to Prenuptial Agreements
By Arlene G. Dubin

Statistics are scare in the prenup area. Anecdotal evidence suggests that 5 to 10 percent of couples and 20 percent of remarried couples now enter into prenups. By 2020, I predict that more than 50 percent of couples will be preceded down the aisle by prenups. Here are two dozen reasons why:

1. You're living in the real world. Since 1960, as a result of no-fault divorces and societal acceptance, the divorce rate in the United States has doubled. Currently the divorce rate is about four to five out of every ten marriages. The median duration for a first marriage that ends in divorce is 6.3 years and is even shorter for a remarriage.

You probably believe you have the right stun to beat these grim statistics, but studies show that almost all people getting married are sure divorce won't happen to them. Further, prenups dictate the disposition of assets upon death. You do believe that will ultimately happen to you, don't you?

2. Divorce laws are changing. Forty-one states and the District of Columbia rely on "equitable distribution," which provides a court with broad discretion to split the value of assets. Even in the remaining "community property" states, a court exercises some subjective judgment. In a prenup, you and your partner can clarify and write the rules of your marriage. Otherwise, you may leave yourself at the mercy of a total stranger-an arbitrarily assigned judge-to decide your fate.

3. You're worth more than you think. You're marrying later these days-the median age is 25 for a woman and 26.8 for a man-and by the time you do, you've begun to accumulate assets (as well as acumen). You may think you don't have savings - but your 401 (k) plan is savings. What about your stock options? life insurance policy? a prospective inheritance? your home or your car?

The number of millionaires jumped from 1.9 million to 8 million from 1989 to 1999. Even if you're not a millennial millionaire, you probably benefited in some way from the stock market, IPO, Internet, and 401 (k) boom since the 1990s. You'll want to hold on to your nest egg, no matter how small or large it is.

4. Your parents are worth more than you think. This country's greatest intergenerational transfer of wealth in history-from the "Depression" generation to the "baby boomer" generation and their "boomlet" offspring-is occurring over the next few decades. In the next half-century, at least S40 trillion will be handed down. Your prenup will ensure that your parents' hard-earned heirlooms (and cash) all stay in the family.

5. The "little woman " grows up. Women have entered the job market, risen through the ranks, even broken the glass ceiling, and they want to protect the progress they've made. At the same time, women in traditional roles have become more assertive about the value of nonmonetary contributions to marriage.

6. You're living to a ripe old age. At the beginning of the twentieth century, the estimated life expectancy was 46.3 for a male and 48.3 for a female. By the end of the twentieth century, life spans increased to 79.1 for women and 73.1 for men. As medicine advances, longevity will increase, further increasing the chances that you will be married more than once.

7. You're on the remarriage marry-go-round. Rising divorce rates have led to rising remarriage rates: 75 percent of divorced people remarry within five years. Further ratcheting up the remarriage rate is longevity. Since the failure rate for second and subsequent marriages is even higher than for first marriages-a whopping 60 percent-you need a prenup more than ever.

8. Take care of your children and dependents. In a prenup, you can arrange for the payment of support and tuition for your children from a prior marriage. You can provide your children with an appropriate inheritance. You also can take care of aging parents or a disabled relative.

9. Save the family Jewels. Since your spouse most likely would be entitled to a share of your family or small business in the event of a divorce, you need a prenup to prevent potentially disruptive litigation. Equally important, you and your family members or business partners must protect yourselves against the transfer of a business to an ex-spouse or liquidation of the business to pay off the ex-spouse.

10. Don't fall on your assets. Your prenup enables you to protect valuables, such as your pension plan, your vacation hideaway, your season tickets to the Denver Broncos, and your rent-controlled apartment, as well as your newly minted MBA or J.D. or unsold software program or screenplay or novel. You need to protect not only the current value of your assets, but also their future limitless worth.

11. Cherish the memories. In your prenup, you can make sure that your family's cabin, artwork, jewelry, antiques, and anything of sentimental value stays close to your heart.

12. Stay out of debt (not only yours but your partner's!). Prenups point out and protect you from your beloved's indebtedness, whether student loan, gambling, business, or credit card debts.

13. Get your just dessert. A prenup can ensure you are justly compensated, for example, if you suspend a career to relocate, raise a family, or support your spouse in a professional or trade school.

14. Strengthen the bond between you. You share information and discuss sensitive matters. You express optimism that you will be able to raise and resolve pressing problems. You create a mechanism for further dialogue and dispute resolution.

15. Trump the trick. By full disclosure, you and your partner put your financial cards on the table up front, thus playing with a full deck on financial matters. Since studies show that monetary issues are responsible for 70 percent of divorces, you're both way ahead of the game.

16. Play governor! You veto laws that you don't like or that are inappropriate for your situation. For example, the law in your state may automatically entitle your spouse to one third of your estate. But you may want to leave your estate to your children from a prior marriage. Or you may desire to leave your entire estate to your partner-but that's the point: You should make the choice. You can override this legal mandate by entering into a prenup.

17. Stay out of murky legal waters. In many states, "separate" property is not split up in a divorce and includes premarital property and gifts and inheritances acquired after marriage. By contrast, "marital" or "community" property is split up in divorce and generally consists of earnings from employment after marriage. Despite the seemingly clear distinction between these types of property, the line easily can become blurred. In a prenup, you can define separate and marital property the way you see fit.

18. Reduce legal fees. The cost of a prenup is a bargain compared to the cost of contentious divorce or probate proceedings. The average price of a wedding party is $20,000. For a fraction of that amount, you can make a lasting investment in a prenup.

19. Avoid "divorce, incorporated," as New York magazine calls the cabal of divorce lawyers who control the divorce "system" in New York City. They charge a lot, they're clubby, and they may have their own agenda. You can circumvent any such clique in your hometown if you have a prenup.

20. He self-reliant. A prenup reminds you that your marriage license is not a meal ticket and that ultimately each of you must rely upon yourself to make your way in this world. It prevents you from being lulled into a false sense of security about the financial ever-after of marriage and discourages you from unduly leaning on your partner. It encourages you to be independent, which in turn gives you the strength and resources to cope with the economic vicissitudes of life, irrespective of your marital status.

Excerpted from
The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

When you turn toward a bid, it helps the bidder to feel good about himself or herself, and about the interaction you're having. Consequently the bidder welcomes more interaction, typically leading to more bids and more positive responses from both sides.

I like to compare such exchanges to an improvised jazz duet. Neither musician knows exactly where the piece is going, but they get their cues by tuning in to one another. One musician's set of notes is a bid that stimulates musical ideas in the other musician. On his own, neither could create the magic that happens as a result of their collaboration. The music they create together takes on a life of its own, born of their positive, willing interaction.

Turning toward leads to the growth and development of healthy partnerships in all kinds of relationships. Children who habitually turn toward their playmates form friendships more easily. Siblings who turn toward one another early on are more likely to stay close for life. Coworkers find it easier to collaborate on projects. Married couples and other pairs have fewer conflicts.

Turning toward leads to fewer conflicts, because the partners in a relationship are having the conversations they need to have-the conversations where they demonstrate their interest and concern for each other. With such high levels of interest expressed, there's simply less static in the air. People see evidence that their friends, coworkers, and loved ones are there for them and care for them. They have fewer problems to fight about.

Our research into the emotional lives of families shows that parents who have fewer conflicts create better environments for their children. Kids from such families are likely to be more attentive and do better in school than kids whose families don't have these habits. They're more apt to soothe themselves when upset, get along better with other children, and have fewer bouts of colds and flu.

A study of young-adult siblings, conducted in our labs by Joann Wu Shortt, showed that brothers and sisters who turn toward one another in conversation are more likely to maintain close, supportive, satisfying relationships.

Studies like these conducted in the workplace show that coworkers who consistently turn toward one another form more productive work teams, with higher morale.

We saw many delightful examples of couples turning toward one another in the marriage lab. Sometimes the bids were quite playful. One husband bopped his wife gently with a rolled-up newspaper, saying, "I've been meaning to do that all day." She reciprocated by rolling up her own paper bat and chasing him playfully around the couch. Another wife charmed her husband by copying a particularly silly gesture he made during dinner. The man had picked up an artichoke leaf, bit off the edible part of it. and then slammed the remnant down on the table. "I'm drinking shots," he said playfully. Without any prodding, his wife picked up a leaf and did the same thing, eliciting a broad smile from her husband. Then he took another turn, acting as if he'd been challenged. "Slap 'em down!" he said. She followed suit, saying, "Chew 'em up! Slap 'em down! Rawhide!" And the two ceremoniously continued to eat the entire artichoke this way. The game they had invented was totally original, spontaneous, and fun.

As stated earlier, such playfulness is extremely good for relationships. What does it require? A willingness to turn toward another's sense of silliness, give oneself over to the moment, and have a little bit of fun.

While baking cookies, your ten-year-old reaches for a canister of flour from the top shelf and accidentally spills it, covering himself and much of the kitchen in a cloud of white stuff. Delighted at his own snowmanlike appearance, he starts to laugh. Now you've got a choice. You can express irritation at the mess or you can turn toward his silliness and share the laugh.

You and a coworker are discussing a serious work-related problem when she realizes that, without meaning to, she's just made a truly funny pun. This seems like no time for frivolity, and yet she appears to be having a pretty good time. You can stop working for a moment and laugh with her. Or you can forge seriously ahead, focusing exclusively on the problem at hand.

Making the second choice-that is, turning toward one another's sense of humor in everyday situations-bolsters your relationships while making life together a lot more fun.

One husband in our studies appeared to have just the opposite inclination, but he surprised me. He was an engineer with a very staid, serious personality. But he adored his wife and would go to extreme lengths to tickle her funny bone. In fact, he once trained his pet beagle to sit on its haunches and duck its head so that it looked just like the Peanuts cartoon dog, Snoopy, posed on top of his doghouse as a vulture. Then, one Sunday morning, before his wife came down for breakfast, the man propped the dog on top of the refrigerator, crawled up there with him, and, clad only in his underwear, struck a similar pose. When his wife entered the kitchen and saw her beloved and his dog hovering near the ceiling like buzzards, she literally fell on the floor laughing. That, in my opinion, was the ultimate in playful bids. Not all playful bids have to be this elaborate, of course. But the more you can tap in to each other's sense of humor and joy, the stronger your relationship becomes.

Of course, not all bids for connection are so good-natured and playful. As we stated earlier, people sometimes camouflage their bids in expressions of anger, fear, and sadness. Rather than invitations to play, these bids are more likely to come in the form of a complaint, criticism, or lament. Such negative bids are hard even to recognize, much less respond to. And once you recognize them, you've got to muster the patience, creativity, and trust it takes to turn toward the bidder with a helpful response.

But if you want to build solid, long-term relationships, you've got to be willing to turn toward each other's bids in all sorts of circumstances. That's why marriage vows include phrases like "for better or worse." That's why people shun the idea of a "fair-weather friend." We long for relationships with people who will stick by us even when we're tired, crabby, fearful, depressed, or frustrated.

Remember, our research shows that the less people turn toward one another, the less satisfying their relationships are.

People can turn toward, turn away, or turn against all sorts of bids for connection-even those bids that appear hostile or off-putting. Take a look at the examples in the chart on page 55. As you read these responses, you may think turning toward is a great ideal to strive for. but it would be impossible to do all the time, especially given all the pressures so many of us face. True, we all face competing demands: the coworker who could use your ear at exactly the same time you're supposed to pick your kids up from the babysitter; the sister who calls with a marital crisis just as you're leaving for that long-planned romantic weekend. Nobody has the emotional stamina to turn toward other people's needs twenty-four hours a day. seven days a week.

Excerpted from
Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship
By M. Gary Neuman

Whenever I finish speaking to a group about marriage, a few people always say to me, "I wish my spouse could hear this. He/she is the one who really needs to hear it." These are the same people who constantly shake their heads while I'm speaking. They're thinking, "My spouse, my spouse, my spouse." Instead, they need to be thinking, "Granted, my spouse may play a huge role in this issue, but what can / do to change?"

It's normal to shy away from responsibility, especially when it looms large. Your spouse is an easy target to blame. It does take two to tango, and it your spouse isn't "into it," you may shrug and determine it's no use. But the beauty of marriage is that even one person can make enormous changes. This does not mean you are the main problem. Rather, because marriage is predicated on loving energy, either spouse can cause change by refocusing that energy in another direction. If you change the way you relate to your spouse, then you are concretely changing the relationship. Your spouse will respond.

If your spouse is stuck in negative behaviors, you can turn that around by making changes in yourself. If you want your spouse to be willing to change, change yourself first. For example, your mate may be unconsciously too scared to make him- or herself vulnerable to you and this relationship. You will directly soften that fear by showing how much energy you are committed to putting forth. You're saying, "Come on in, the water's fine. You don't have to worry about opening yourself up emotionally to me only to find that I won't meet you halfway. I'm going first. I want this to work for both of us."

Of course, you do make yourself vulnerable by making changes without an equal commitment from your spouse. But it's a decision you must make for the sake of love and family. And it's a safe risk because the odds are in your favor. When you show your spouse you are willing to place loving energy into this relationship, it becomes contagious. Your behavior can create a safe haven for love, one that helps your spouse feel touched by, and more connected to, you. Most of the time, all someone needs is a little push. You are going to give your spouse a huge push-but not one that says, "Get up off your butt and start loving me." You are going to offer the best motivation for love the world has ever known by saying, "I love you," plain and simple, through your new behavior.

Don't underestimate how you can free up your spouses loving energy just by making the adjustments asked of you in this book. Sooner than later, your spouse will wonder, "What's going on? I'm starring to like this. I could get used to this loving focus." Your spouse will want to know more about your changes and how to become a part of it all. Then you can include your mate in the loop and begin to read and discuss the issues in this book together. You rook a relatively small chance and the returns were dramatic.

You Know More Than You Think

Marriages falter for many reasons. Often spouses end up holding back their love. They never learned what giving really means, or perhaps they have been hurt too much to be able to offer their full selves. By the time couples end up in my office, they're usually in a holding pattern, waiting to see the other one change. They've tried and tried to make things work but feel as though they've been hitting their head against a wall. Their dreams of an idyllic marriage have faded. They're tired and don't believe there's much else to do. I make the following two obviously simple but important points.

1. If you keep trying the same thing, you're not trying. Trying the same thing over and over hundreds of times doesn't constitute trying hundreds of times. It something isn't working, by all means try something else. If you've been trying to send the same message to your spouse over and over again, stop it. Be hopeful now, because you can make new attempts in new ways. I'll show you how.

2. You know exactly what to do-you're just not doing it. The first time I meet with a couple for marital counseling together, each spouse never hears anything new. They've each heard it again and again and can almost always repeat it verbatim. These people come to me to tell them what to do. What do you say to your teenage children when they're fighting? "Just work it out," right? "It your sister is complaining about your put-downs, stop making them. If your brother doesn't like you broadcasting his personal affairs, stop doing it. If you each need help from one another, just bury the hatchet already and give it." Wise words for your children-far wiser for yourself. Often spouses have drawn an emotional line in the sand that holds them back from doing exactly what they know they need to do. Now it's time to do it. Show your spouse that love is the priority by making changes in the way the two of you relate.

Making your marriage work ain't rocker science. It's focused energy that can't help but make the two of you trust, love, and care more for each other.

Reality Check

Most everyone wonders about everyone else. We wonder if there are other people out there more sensitive, more giving, more financially secure, kinder, less angry than our spouse. We create an image of the neighbors spouse who has it all together, who requires so much less maintenance than our own spouse. Don't be fooled. There is no perfect person or marriage. Did you ever notice how surprised you are when you find out one of your friends is having marital problems? Or your friend tells you he or she was abused as a child, is using drugs, or is about to claim bankruptcy? You're shocked because you allowed yourself to imagine that a public image is always consistent with a private life. People always put their best foot forward in public. You have no idea what's really going on behind closed doors, nor should you. But never mistake privacy for perfection.

If you're considering divorce, expecting to trade in for a better model, beware. Every model has problems. You have private problems and weaknesses you don't announce to others. Let me let you in on a secret. So does your spouse and every other person. But you can work it out within your marriage.

Excerpted from
The Thoroughly Modern Married Girl: Staying Sensational After Saying I Do
By Sara Bliss

Part of leaving your single days behind means adjusting to the fact that you now share a space, perhaps a very small space, with the love of your life. After you move in with Your Guy, you will need to make a few changes to your daily routine. While certain habits may have been perfectly acceptable when you lived on your own. they might be horrifying to your live-in love. No more throwing your clothes all over the bedroom while trying on every outfit you own before going out. Your Guy just might want to see the floor as he walks on it. Nights spent eating M&M's and popcorn in bed, weeping hysterically over Terms of Endearment or Steel Magnolias will now be carefully orchestrated events shared with other female friends. Chances are, he won't want to join you in your cinema-therapy.

Your weekly beauty nights when you sleep with your hands in heated gloves, lace covered in a green pore-cleaning mask, hair in rollers, body covered in greasy deep-moisturizing treatment might not be appreciated by the man you now share your bed with. Living off Diet Coke, cereal, tuna fish, and white wine may have worked for you and your always dieting roommates, but chances are Your Guy will want to eat a meal every once in a while. You may have to put things that you would never consume, like beef jerky or vegetable juice, in your kitchen depending on Your Guy's culinary taste. Letting the dog cat off your plate and other secret behavior you developed when no one was looking should be kept secret, even from your husband. You want Your Guy to understand who you really are. You don't want to gross him out.

On the other hand, there are multiple benefits to being married and living together. When you have an argument you no longer have to worry about breaking up. You're in it for the long haul. When you're dancing to Aretha Franklin before getting ready for a party, you have a dance partner other than your dog. When you forget burgers on burger night you now have someone who can pick up some patties on his way home. The nights your girlfriends call you crying alter some handsome but horrible single man made them blue, you can now offer them Your Guy's sensible opinion on what on earth to do. You finally have proof that there are guys out there (and, happily, in your apartment) who don't have panic attacks at the first sign of commitment.

You can throw away your dog-eared copies of Stupid Things We Do for Love, More Stupid Things We Do for Love, and Successful and Alone, books you bought when your love life wasn't as stellar as it is today. Leaks, electric outages, and Mat tires can now be fixed and heavy furniture moved without paying anyone or having to do it yourself. (I know you're not a helpless woman and can do it on your own. but if you don't have to, why?) If you're extraordinarily lucky Your Guy likes to cook and will whip up two eggs over easy and a smoothie and bring them to you in bed along with a copy of the New York Times style section. I leaven on a Sunday morning. Regular smooching is also part of the deal. No more kissing your dog on New Year's. No more wondering if your dale is going to kiss you goodnight. Your Guy is there to smooch every day. What could be better than that?

For Better or Worse

Now that you're married you probably thought that at the very least your frantic obsessing about relationships and men would be over. You figured you two would never argue again and "happily ever after" meant a lifetime of ultimate perfection? You thought that feeling lonely and bummed out were only a symptom of the angst that breakups and looking for love can bring? Well, not exactly. Just to remind you, there was a "worse" in those vows you took and every once in a while "worse" will pop up like an ugly weed.

You have a new set of obstacles to navigate now that you Ye hitched. You have to figure out how to be as crazy about each other as when you first met despite having to negotiate finances, debate who cooks dinner, and cope with a second set of nagging parents. You II have to get past his bombshell secretary, over a silly spat or four, and solve Your Guys aversion to living on a budget. You will have to decide where to hang your hats, or what to do when one of you gets a career opportunity across the country. Sometimes marriage will be work, other times it will feel like a slumber party for two. Most days it will feel like heaven. Every once in a blue moon you will want to run away from the house as fast as possible. Always, however, you will know that you're the best thing to ever happen to each other. Now that you finally found your partner in crime, you have so much to look forward to. This is only the beginning. And lucky you, you have the example of the Thoroughly Modern Married Girl to see you through.

Excerpted from
Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This! The Book of Questions for Couple
By Corey Donaldson

To boast of knowing an individual, time must be spent together having fun, sharing intelligent conversation, meeting family and friends, participating in spiritual and emotional moments, surviving tough times, and asking the right questions. Often, asking the right questions is not recognized as a significant element in getting to know the person you are going to marry. Hence, soon after their marriages, couples who fail to ask the necessary questions are confronted with disillusionment, surprise, anxiety, and discontent, which may lead to a quick breakup. If only people would spend more time getting to know the person they want to marry than they do buying a house, car, or television, or thinking about household furniture and decorations, or even the clothes they wear for a special occasion. Unfortunately, it seems that in modern society, purchasing these items consumes more time, energy, and planning than preparing for a marriage.

The difference between what you know and what you do not know about your partner lies in the questions you ask. A decision to marry a person is based on only the information you have. Would your decision to marry stand if you had more information about your partner than you currently have? Maybe you still would or perhaps you wouldn't. The fact remains that the difference between what you know and what you don't know will only become apparent by asking the right questions.

Imagine the plight of a child who was forbidden to ask questions. How would this child ever increase in knowledge? What would it be like if police officers could never ask questions of alleged criminals? How could they ever determine who is a criminal and who isn't, let alone solve any crimes? How would a journalist write an article without the ability to ask questions? What would an ambulance officer do if forbidden to ask questions of an accident victim with internal injuries? Are you getting the idea? The point is that a significant proportion of the information we gather in our lives comes through the questions we ask. Therefore, since marriage is arguably the most important decision we will make in our lives, it stands to reason that we must approach it with the right questions.

The interviews I have conducted with well over fifteen hundred people show overwhelmingly that the majority of divorce-causing problems exist before the wedding takes place. If couples knew beforehand that they would get divorced and the reasons causing it, would they still get married? I hope not! Well, this knowledge is available by asking the right questions before the knot is tied. The answers to the questions you ask will give you a glimpse into the future and show you what marriage to a certain person will be like.

A certain distinction needs to be made about your focus when asking questions. When trying to determine if you are marrying the right person, your focus needs to be long term, not short term. You must not think that your relationship looks pretty good until the honeymoon is over, and then hope for the best. This is only a good way to think if you want a quick divorce and a rapid increase of misery in your life. If your goals are somewhat different, you must plan for the future, not just allow it to happen. Use vision when asking questions of your partner; ask yourself if you can realistically live with this person with the answers you are hearing. Of course, you won't love everything about your partner, but you cannot expect to live with things you can't or won't be able to tolerate.

In our lives, we spend more time thinking about those things that matter to us than the less important ones. This being the case, it should follow that we invest more time preparing for and maintaining our marriage than anything else because it should be our highest priority. If we do not dedicate a great deal of time to the person we are planning to marry, then we have no business making the commitment. We need to be mature enough to recognize that marriage has a greater impact on our lives than anything else and acknowledge its importance by asking the right questions the right way.

Many offer excuses for not asking their prospective partner probing questions. They claim they don't want to interrogate the other person or disrupt "lovey-dovey" feelings. These questions should not create hard feelings. Rather they should stimulate a feeling of mutual love and concern. Finding excuses for not asking relevant questions avoids the reality that must be confronted after the marriage. The person who avoids learning as much as possible about the other person before marriage risks discovering something distasteful later. Such a discovery' can cause misery that might have been avoided by a responsible approach. To those M ho say that asking questions is unromantic, uncomfortable, or awkward, I say, so is a divorce!

The only fair expectation you can have about your partner as you read through this book is that you will discover weaknesses. As you start identifying with your partner, you will have disagreements, discover areas for improvement, and uncover issues your partner may want to talk about in the future or not at all. Whatever the case, you must be diplomatic about respecting the feelings of your partner and never demand an answer when one is not forthcoming. It is not a sin to disagree, have different points of view, or even postpone commenting on a particular issue. You will not love everything about your partner. If you think otherwise, then you do not know your partner well enough. It is important to acknowledge that it is okay to love someone you feel has weaknesses. After all, your partner should feel the same way.

To say there is a correct or incorrect way of asking these questions presumes that I know the dynamics of every personality and relationship, and I don't. However, I do have some suggestions that may be of value. Often these questions can be part of a conversation at home in the TV room, over the table at a restaurant, or out on a picnic. Some couples may find only a few questions relevant and may agree to discuss just them. Individuals may have particular concerns and may need to approach their partner more formally to address some issues. Some people may even want to memorize pertinent questions and raise them randomly at an appropriate time. You may choose a serious or a fun approach. I suggest a combination of both.

Please keep in mind that the person asking the questions receives the most information. However, there are moments when the person asking the questions is providing the most information by the way he or she does it. Never place limitations on the conditions in which one can learn from a partner.

Carefully considering the questions in this book will definitely help you and your prospective partner. The results of the questions will be readily apparent. Please pose each question to your partner and have him or her ask you in return. I guarantee that your mind will be stretched to its limits, and you will discover unknown new dimensions in your partner.

Excerpted from
How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free
By Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.

Why did you pick up this book? Are you intrigued to think it is possible to be a couple and still be free?

How can you be true to yourself and true to your partner at the same time? If you honor yourself, will your partner leave? Can you and your partner have a loving, committed relationship without compromising - without each of you giving up some of who you are and what you need? Is commitment a kind of bondage? Isn't it selfish to insist on having what you want? Doesn't true love mean that you joyfully give everything to your beloved? Does having freedom mean having affairs?

You are not alone in your questioning. Most of the people who come to us for help with their intimate relationships are struggling with questions like these. If you are competing to find satisfaction in your intimate relationships (like many couples we have worked with), you may be struggling with your partner while searching for a way to be happy together:

. You may have experienced a sequence of relationships that were destructive and didn't work.

. You may be with someone new and fear you will repeat old, painful patterns.

. You may have a basically good relationship with some specific problems (such as financial struggles, disagreements about parenting, sex, housework or time schedules) that you can't find a satisfactory solution for, or:

. You may fight all the time unable to resolve even minor family problems or conflicts without a painful and exasperating struggle, which leaves one or both of you feeling hurt, angry, resentful, deprived, cheated, or frustrated.

These are common couple problems. Sustaining a long-term intimate relationship with a partner is difficult. If you have had experiences like these, you may believe that you have to choose between taking a stand for yourself and having a committed relationship - you can't have both at the same time.

We have found that you most certainly can have both. Not only can you have both, but when you feel free to speak up and say what you want, confident that you will be heard and confident that your partner will work with you to find a solution, the love will flow more easily between you. That is the purpose of this book.

This New Expanded Edition

In 1980, when How to be a Couple and Still be Free was first published, it introduced a radical concept. Cooperation instead of compromise or competition. When one or both partners compromise needs on behalf of one another, it invariably leads to a troubled relationship. One partner becomes a resentful caretaker, while the other feels oppressed and belittled. One will be alert to the moods of the other - often walking on eggshells not to upset the other. one will threaten to leave in order to get his or her way. one wants more together time and the other wants more space - and neither is satisfied with the compromise. Compromises and self-abandonments like these lead to resentment, hurt and power struggles.

When a couple struggles, the flow of love between them can be blocked - even when they truly love one another. On the other hand, a couple who have the tools to negotiate and who are committed to equality and mutual satisfaction are far more likely to create love and partnership they deeply treasure.

In the twenty years since the book was first published, we have developed many tools and techniques couples can use to create cooperation and freedom. We have expanded this edition to include many step-by-step instructions and guidelines, and we've added the Negotiation Tree, a tool that can help you turn any struggle into a cooperative problem solving session. Through the addition of these components, we have created a manual you can use to create or restructure your current relationship into a free couple partnership.

Couples and Freedom

Because we aren't talking about having affairs or "playing the field" when we use the word "freedom", and we aren't thinking of any lack of commitment to each other when we say "couple" it is necessary to define both terms. Since these are the terms that attracted you to this book, we invite you to check our definition against your own. Knowing what they mean to you will better enable you to create the kind of relationship that fits exactly who you are.

What We Mean by Couple

As a Newsweek special report put it, "The American family does not exist. Rather, we are creating many American families, of diverse styles and shapes. In unprecedented numbers, our families are unalike. We have fathers working while mothers keep house, fathers and mothers both working away from home; single parents; second marriages bringing children together from unrelated backgrounds; childless couples; unmarried couples, with and without children; Gay and Lesbian parents. We are living through a period of historic change in American Family life." The trouble is, that many relationship books offer patterns and role models based on this nonexistent "American Family" and do not adequately consider these other kinds of relationships, or not recognize the changes that have taken place.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free is designed to help you create a relationship that is suitable for you, whether your relationship is gay or straight, traditionally monogamous, or non-traditional, such as an open relationship, group marriage, bi-coastal, two-career relationship, or committed- living- separately relationship.

More people are choosing not to marry, or not to stay married today. Instead, they are redefining couple relationships in many ways. There are many possible variations of satisfying relationships, and this book is about creating the kind of relationship that satisfies you and your partner, whether you are married or not. Therefore, we offer a broad definition of "couple" so that you and your partner can use the tools here to develop your own mutually satisfying definition, which is specific to your individual relationship.

We define a couple as two people who are committed to being with each other more intensely and/or more often than with others. This usually implies a degree of love and intimate contact. It could be a dating relationship, living together, married or not married. it could be a deep intimate and sexual commitment, sexually exclusive or not. Our intent is to help you and your partner develop a relationship that is mutually satisfying, by your own, unique and specific definition. With specific, step-by -step techniques and guidelines, this book will teach you the negotiation and communication tools and skills you can use to create a relationship that ensures that both of you get what you want. In short, a relationship that is secure and committed, but within which you both feel free.

What We Mean by Freedom

By its very nature, freedom is defined differently by each individual. Each person has individual needs for closeness and personal space as well as other needs to feel nurtured, understood and autonomous within a relationship. Individual people define their freedom in very different ways. Some want the freedom to be close and comforted, others want the freedom to be autonomous and unfettered.

Understanding these components of freedom requires self-knowledge. To know what you need, you must focus on your self, see yourself as clearly as possible and accept what you find there. Knowing what you want and what you feel are skills essential to creating a mutually satisfying intimate relationship.

In this book, you'll find specific exercises designed to help you clarify what you want and feel, to create a personal definition of freedom and to communicate that to your partner. By learning and using these techniques, you'll create a mutual understanding and cooperation in helping each other get exactly what you want.

Whether your reasons for wanting to be a couple are romantic or pragmatic, social or cultural, based on passion or a need to create a healthier family than you grew up in, a desire to have children, simple loneliness, or a spiritual or "soul mate" connection - it is important to you, and we want to help you create it as you see it.

The Desire for Intimacy

Most couples are drawn to enter relationships because of the possibility of intimacy. Intimacy, or lack of it, is also what creates most of the struggle in relationships. Creating a satisfying couple relationship means meeting the individual intimacy needs of each partner.

You need intimacy just as you need food and shelter. Just like the other basic needs, no one needs intimacy all the time and some people need more than others. It is possible to be intimate without being a couple - but, the development of emotional closeness over time, and the easy availability of physical closeness make couple relationships the ideal opportunity for intimate contact:.

It takes less energy and decision-making to have intimacy in a couple relationship because it doesn't take much planning to get together. Friends, family and the culture support and endorse your togetherness. When things go well, the teamwork of partnership (common goals, successfully solving daily problems and doing chores together) creates a feeling of mutuality and appreciation that enhances your closeness. In a couple relationship, intimacy can become a constant and free you to focus on other areas of your lives.

In a healthy relationship, intimacy grows with time. Two people who have been together for twenty years can have a deeper connection than they did when they were only dating for three months. Time together doesn't guarantee intimacy, but it does create an opportunity for intimacy to grow. It takes time to know and trust each other. As trust builds, you open yourselves. Over the months (or years) you reveal yourselves. If you nurture your closeness through the years of each partner's personal growth and changes, you will know more about each other than anyone else and your contact will be deep indeed.

Once you learn the communication and problem solving skills in this book, you'll know how to create the kind of teamwork and mutual benefit that supports the growth of intimacy and satisfaction - a relationship of equal partnership and autonomous cooperation.

Cooperative Problem Solving

Most people don't believe that it is possible for a couple to be so adept at solving problems together so both of them are fully satisfied. They believe that you can have either intimacy or freedom - that is, you can have what you want; or you can be close. They see couple relationships as an extension of other types of competition. Because this competitive attitude is so ingrained in each of us, it usually takes a shift in belief and a lot of practice to learn how to do stop fighting, arguing and insisting you are right or to stop being afraid you won't get what you want.

The Free Couple

Free couples embody five qualities: 1) love easily expressed, 2) mutual respect, 3) a sense of equal power in the relationship, 4) the willingness and ability to express desires, needs, satisfactions, and 5) the willingness and ability to resolve conflicts cooperatively - without power plays, manipulation and unsatisfying compromises.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free will teach you to work together to create whatever kind of relationship you want, free from the restrictive patterns of your parents, your past experience, and social pressures.

When you and your partner know how to cooperate to solve problems and resolve differences, you can freely express your desires, needs, and satisfactions. You can share your worries and your joy without fear of being manipulated by them. You both feel equally empowered. You can say what you want, knowing you will work together to make it happen. When you experience and express mutual respect, love flows more easily between you. You are equal partners. Equal. Partners. You understand how to cooperate to create a truly satisfying life - as two free individuals working together. You can be a couple and still be free.

Emphasizing Function Rather Than Dysfunction

Many books have been written about relationship problems - with an emphasis on dysfunctional, codependent relationships, compulsive or obsessive love, domestic violence and sexual molestation. These books focus on the emotional and psychological (and often physical) damage these relationships cause, how to recognize them and how to free oneself from them. Simply recognizing, describing and suggesting ways to end this has been an enormous task.

All of these books focus on unsatisfying or unhealthy relationship patterns and how to recognize and overcome them. Little is said about how to create and sustain a healthy, functional, non-codependent relationship. You may be very familiar with the frustration of being told how not to do it, but not really ever understanding what to do instead.

So, if you're asking "What is a healthy, functional, relationship and how do we get one?" How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free is designed to answer your questions and teach you (either individually or together with your partner) how to create and sustain a fully functioning partnership between equals.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free is a manual that provides intimate partners with a proven, step by step guide for working together as a team to overcome negative relationship patterns and master the positive new skills you'll need to know to create a successful, satisfying and sustainable relationship that fulfills both your individual needs. It has been used and recommended by many therapists to help couples in therapy.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free is a guideline for transforming an unsatisfying relationship into a loving, sustainable, healthy, partnership between equals who support each other and work together cooperatively to ensure that each partner gets what he or she wants. We call this equal, mutually supportive partnership a Free Couple relationship.

The central idea of this book is a method for Cooperative Problem Solving which involves both of you working together as a team. Through this process, any problems, difficulties, obstacles, differences or struggles that arise can be identified, negotiated and solved to the mutual satisfaction of you and your partner.

This book will lead you, individually and together, through a series of carefully planned exercises designed to help you develop the skills (such as problem-solving, cooperation, clear communication and teamwork) that will enable you to use the Cooperative Problem Solving process to build and sustain a healthy relationship.

In How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free you will learn how to work together smoothly to solve the very problems which created competition, pain and struggle between you and your partner in the past and build teamwork and cooperation where you previously had fighting, frustration and despair. Your problems are probably solvable; relationship problems feel overwhelming and difficult only if the partners involved lack the skills they need to solve them.

The basis of this approach is "the Negotiation Tree" - a step-by step guide to working smoothly together to solve all the problems and disputes partners can encounter in the course of a relationship. It will guide you safely through the five steps of solving any problem and help the two of you reach a solution that is wholly and non-competitively satisfying to both of you.

This book will introduce you to a relationship of equality:

. Designed to meet your unique needs as individuals and as a couple,

. In which both partners feel equally important, equally powerful, equally free to express their wants and needs,

. In which both partners work together, to find a mutually satisfactory way to get what both of you want every single time,

. In which you support each other in making sure you both are satisfied in the relationship,

. Which contains far less conflict, frustration, anger, and fewer arguments, disputes, and feelings of deprivation than most couples experience, and

. Which is easy to sustain because you both learn how to get what you want from it all the time!

How The Book Is Organized

The first chapter, "How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free", explains what an intimate partnership between equals is, why it works so well, and how you can achieve it. Also, Cooperative Problem Solving is introduced and explained, as well as the Negotiation Tree, a step by step guide that you can use to help yourself through the Cooperative Problem Solving process much the same way we help our clients, by outlining and guiding you through the five steps of the process, referring you back to the proper information and exercises whenever you have difficulty, and helping you to know when you are ready to go on to the next step.

The next five chapters correspond to the steps of the Negotiation Tree: Chapter Two: "Define and Communicate the Problem", Chapter Three: "Agree to Negotiate", Chapter Four: "Set the Stage" Chapter Five: "State and Explore Wants", and Chapter Six: "Explore Your Options and Decide."

These chapters explain each step, why it is important, what happens if you don't cover that step in negotiating, and the problems you may encounter in that step, and gives information, exercises and guidelines that teach you skills for overcoming each problem as it arises. All these chapters present examples of couples engaged in negotiating to demonstrate how your new skills will work. Each exercise builds on what you learned in previous exercises, so your familiarity with and competence at the skills of Cooperative Problem Solving increases as you go along.

The last chapter, "The Free Couple", outlines ideas for using Cooperative Problem Solving and the Negotiation Tree to improve various aspects of your relationship, and thus, over a period of time, transform it into a relationship that is wholly satisfying to both of you, which will enhance your pleasure in being together and make your relationship easy to sustain.

Using The Exercises

We recommend you begin by reading this book through in its entirety to gain an overview of the stages of the Negotiation Tree and the relationship skills that accompany them. You may be tempted to begin right away by using the Negotiation Tree to solve a problem you are having, but if you do, you could find yourself feeling lost and frustrated because, without reading the rest of the book, you might not have enough understanding of what is meant by many of the suggestions and steps of the Negotiation Tree.

The exercises in this book are designed to teach every skill needed for and explore every barrier to achieving a healthy relationship. The exercises build on each other, with the later exercises drawing on skills you learned in prior ones. Each exercise is prefaced with a complete explanation of what it is designed to teach, and when it might be needed in your relationship. Step-by-step instructions help make the exercises easy to follow and easy to do.

Because of the sequential nature of the exercises, and because you will be building on the skills you learned in the earlier exercises, you will probably find that the skills you learn are easy to remember when you are involved in negotiation or interaction within your relationship.

Each exercise will give you criteria for determining when you have mastered each skill, or deciding when you still need more practice. If you find you need help with certain skills, or you need help at a particular point in your negotiation, the Tree will refer you to the proper exercises and examples. At any time, you can pause in your negotiation long enough to go through a needed exercise, to help you overcome any difficulty or confusion you're having, and then return to the Negotiation tree for the next step.

If you have read other self-help books, had couples' therapy, or participated in workshops, some of the skills presented here may already be familiar to you, and you may go on to those that are less familiar or more needed. We have included exercises you can do on your own, and exercises you can do with your partner. We recommend you do the exercises in the order they are presented because they build on each other, and they follow the Cooperative Problem Solving process. The exercises themselves will refer you to other related exercises that might be helpful. We have written this in the sequence we feel will meet the needs of the broadest number of readers, but each couple has individual negotiating strengths and weaknesses, and the Negotiation Tree will help you adapt the guidelines and exercises to your own unique situation. Experiment with the Negotiation Tree, and as you use it, you will see which techniques you and your partner most need, and which guidelines are most helpful.

The Negotiation Tree is a "negotiating road map" to the five steps of Cooperative Problem Solving. Once you feel you understand the steps of the Negotiation Tree, the book will guide you to try using it on a simple "practice" problem. You will both be astonished to discover how easy it is to use and that you both can find a solution in which you both get what you want!

By the time you have mastered all the skills and exercises taught here, you will have a full set of "tools" that will enable you to fix any problems that may arise in your relationship, before you and your partner are so frustrated and angry that your problem becomes too big to handle.

By reading this book, doing the exercises and following the Negotiation Tree, you will give yourself the best possible chance of creating a relationship you can both enjoy, feel proud to share, and in which you will feel comforted and supported.

We invite you to open the following pages and begin building your Free Couple Relationship.

How to Be a Couple And Still Be Free

In fifteen years of working with couples in private therapy and workshops, we have found that no matter how unsolvable a problem seems to the couple presenting it, when we help them apply Cooperative Problem Solving a solution can always be found. Even when people presented the problem that had caused a previous divorce or breakup, we could find at least one solution acceptable to both of them by using the Negotiation Tree. As experts in problem solving, we knew how to help each couple explore all the underlying wants, break free from old, problem-creating behaviors and eliminate the false limitations they had placed on the problem.

We have found, repeatedly, that most of the trouble in between intimate partners happens because they don't know how to work together to solve problems. The frustration, resentment, anger, disappointment and despair these couples feel almost always stems from not being able to get what they want from the relationship and from each other. Whether their fights are about money, sex, affection, time, infidelity, in-laws, raising children, housekeeping, or other problems, their inability to reach a mutually agreeable or satisfying solution keeps them repeating the same old arguments, without any resolution, or keeps them locked in habitual ways of relating that they think they "should" do, but that create dissatisfaction and struggle between them.

As therapists, we spend much of the time teaching couples the skills they need (communication, cooperation, knowing and saying what they want, overcoming destructive habits, breaking out of rigid patterns that don't work, counteracting "shoulds", and creating new ideas) to solve problems together successfully, and teaching them how to work together as a team rather than struggle against each other. We also spend time guiding people through the process of problem solving, to keep them on the track and prevent them from sliding back into their old habits.

If you are like most of these people you have probably entered relationships madly in love, convinced that your feelings for each other were so strong that they would carry you through into a free couple relationship in which, as partners you would:

. Give and take equally, with each partner feeling equally responsible and equally rewarded by the relationship.

. Be committed to mutual satisfaction - if one of you is not happy, the other really wants to solve the problem.

. Face problems rather than avoiding them, confidant that you have a range of proven technique and skills to resolve any disagreements, struggles and conflicts that occur.

. Seldom have to compromise, because you work together so that both of you get what you want.

. Feel like a team, working together to maximize your power, instead of competing, and undercutting your collective efforts.

. Treat each other's feelings, wants and needs as important.

. Share thoughts and feelings freely, knowing that positive interaction ads energy to the relationship, and negative thoughts and feelings indicate a problem, which you are confident you can solve together.

. Encourage each other and recognize you need excitement as well as comfort and security.

. Feel comfortable, satisfied and stimulated, so you have little incentive to seek out others or begin again with a new relationship.

. Have confidence that your relationship will last, because problems are solved as they arise, and not allowed to persist and linger until they breed resentment.

But, your past relationships failed to live up to these dreams, because after a short time, your relationship ran into problems, which you did not know how to handle, like Carol and Joe.

Carol and Joe

Carol and Joe were sweethearts in high school, and married young, with the support of both families, and a big celebration with all their friends. They had a "dream relationship" and high hopes for happiness. Now 35, and a working wife, Carol has spent most of her adult life taking care of others - especially Joe, but feels unworthy of receiving attention, and doesn't realize that it is equally important to take care of herself. Meanwhile Joe, a 38-year-old blue-collar worker, has trouble showing affection, and since he isn't demonstrative and supportive toward Carol, she feels depleted and unresponsive toward him. It doesn't take long for them both to feel deprived and neglected, and their relationship becomes an unsustainable situation. Neither of them can sustain their good feelings toward each other when they feel so deprived, yet both, being insecure, feel that the survival of their relationship depends upon maintaining their roles.

Like Carol and Joe, you may have had relationships that frequently felt more like nightmares than dreams. You may have found yourself and your partner struggling with individual wants and needs that differ. Because you didn't know how to work together effectively to solve the conflict, the resulting frustration, anger and battles made the relationships more and more unpleasant and difficult to sustain.

The fact is most relationships we can observe - our parents, our friends, movies, and TV - aren't working very well. They seem to be full of struggle, pain, boredom and fraught with problems:

. one partner gives and the other takes,

. one is an addict, alcoholic or gambler and the other pays the price,

. one partner overpowers, coerces, defrauds, deceives, or takes advantage of the other,

. they both follow rigid roles that seem to alter or stifle their personalities,

. one gives up a career to support a spouse who succeeds, then leaves,

. both partners seem filled with anger, contempt, hostility, or hatred of the other,

. both compromise their needs for the survival of the marriage,

. they both withhold their true thoughts and feelings because "it would hurt my partner", and feel dissatisfied,

. one or both are numb, depressed, or detached, and they are partners only in that they cohabit, or they stay together "for the children" or because they feel they "have to",

. the romance is gone and there is no vitality,

. their sexual needs and differences seem to conflict, creating emotional suffering for both, or,

. one or both have affairs to fill a missing ingredient in their partnership.

Contrary to what you may have seen in your own relationships and others, struggles like this are not inevitable. There is hope. Cooperative Problem Solving (and the Negotiation Tree) can help you learn to work out mutually satisfactory solutions to problems like these, by working together to ensure each other's satisfaction. If the problem is too severe or long-standing to be solved by mutual discussion, the tree will direct you to seek help, while simultaneously showing you how to make room in the relationship for individual differences, preferences and tastes.

You can have a successful free couple relationship even when either of you or both of you still have some personal emotional problems that are unresolved. Working together, you can help each other overcome individual problems, (whether they are emotional, from past history, work-related or stem from some other part of your separate lives) and you can make enough room in your relationship that your moods and personalities can co-exist without undue struggle. As you develop more mutuality and cooperation, your sense of inner equality will grow and further enhance your relationship, in an ever - increasing spiral.

Cooperative Problem Solving offers you an easy- to- follow, effective, non-competitive method to help you work together to:

. recognize and solve problems in your relationship, whether you've been together for a long time, or you are a newly committed couple.

. keep your individual problems from creating partnership problems,

. solve each other's individual problems to your mutual satisfaction.

. solve your relationship problems to your mutual satisfaction.

. review the interaction in your past relationships to learn what went wrong, identify behavior and beliefs that got in your way before, and correct them.

. identify old relationship patterns that were dysfunctional, addictive or abusive, and to develop healthy interaction.

. discuss changing or conflicting individual moods and feelings, or different needs for intimacy, and find ways to accommodate them.

. identify and examine the "traditional relationship" models to see what aspects of them are relevant to your partnership, and what you need to change.

. develop a model for partnership, no matter what your style, orientation, or preference, that works for you and your mate, and

. learn the skills you need to be whole, healthy, independent individuals who have satisfying, loving intimacy as equal partners.

Decision Making

It Takes Equals to Solve Problems

There is a pervasive myth that somehow happy couples just agree on everything automatically all the time. Because we believe this myth, we enter relationships convinced that whatever problems or differences we have with our partners will be easy to solve. But, in reality, the individuals who make up a partnership will disagree frequently, and often struggle over even minor issues.

In the course of building and sustaining a lifetime relationship, we are bound to encounter many problems. Our different backgrounds and experience, our individual perception of each other and events, our unequal rates of education and growth, our individual needs for self-expression and contact, and our differing values and beliefs about relationships complicate and often block our attempts at Cooperative Problem Solving together. Complicating all this is the fact that models of healthy, effective problem solving between partners in a relationship have been rare to non-existent. For centuries, the accepted models for intimate, business and political relationships were patriarchal and authoritarian with a parental "boss" (usually male) in charge who made all the critical decisions and passed them down to subordinates (often female) who accomplished them without question.

Although competition may work in business, relationship models based on the idea that one person must lead and the other follow, or one "win" and the other "lose" become power struggles, where the partners fight bitterly when they disagree. They struggle to be in control, or avoid disagreements altogether because they felt it wasn't worth the struggle, or they wouldn't win anyway. Hence they spend a lot of their time either fighting for what they want or feeling deprived. You may have witnessed your parents, friends or neighbors interacting in this way, because in the past, relationships like these have been the norm.

Competition

The belief that someone has to "win" in a relationship encourages us to compete rather than to cooperate. As children, when the teacher favors a brighter student, or a sister who is more aggressive gets to decide the game we'll play we learn that if we aren't the best, don't fight hard, or manipulate we don't get what we want. This leads us to either fight to win, or give up.

Partners try to "win", because they believe in competition, where only one person gets what they want. Most of us are used to competing for jobs, sports, dates, and we even compete with ourselves, to see if we can outdo our previous efforts. When competition is stimulating, motivating and fun, it is healthy.

Between partners in intimate relationships, however, competition becomes stressful, counter-productive and toxic, poisoning the relationship by turning us into adversaries, and undermining the mutual support and encouragement vital to becoming a free couple.

Fear of Difference

There is another reason we so often have difficulty resolving problems and conflicts with our intimate partners, handling them clumsily or even badly. In a relationship intimate enough that we feel a deep bonding or sense of commingled identity, we experience a strong tendency to disagreements as threatening. Disagreeing seems to indicate we are separate individuals who perceive everything differently, and have different needs and wants, and we fear that we'll be rejected or disapproved of if we are different.

Problems Outside the Relationship

Sometimes relationship problems are only indirectly connected to your partnership: your car breaks down, your kids need to get to school, your boss is difficult to get along with. These issues become partnership problems because you bring their effects, big and small, home (into the relationship) with you. Anger at your unreasonable boss can quickly become a difficult evening with your partner if you bring your frustration home, are irritable, and the two of you wind up arguing unnecessarily.

While this feels unfair and inappropriate, in real life it happens frequently. A couple unskilled in working together to solve problems could easily become tangled in a web of blaming, hurt and anger and, after years of similar unresolved conflicts, can build a backlog of bitterness that can't be healed.

Problems Within the Relationship

Sometimes problems are directly related to your relationship: you fight about housework or money, you have conflicts over sex. One or both of you becomes hurt or angry. At these times, if you have no method for cooperative negotiation, the conflict and resulting negative feelings can easily escalate into a big problem or accumulate over time. When problems cause friction and never get resolved, they undermine an otherwise loving and viable partnership.

Struggling with your partner and believing you can't both have what you want prevents you from Cooperative Problem Solving. You may believe that you can't get what you want because you think:

. there isn't enough to go around,

. you don't deserve it as much as your partner,

. it will be taken away from you,

. if you get your way, your partner will go away or be angry,

. it isn't nice to say what you want.

When disagreements or difficulties arise, if you feel hopeless, panicked, angry or confused, you can't think clearly enough to solve the problem.

Effective Decision Making

Only recently have psychologists and sociologists begun to discuss the elements of effective decision making. Among other discoveries, they found that decision making (even in business) is more effective when everyone contributes their views of priorities, needs, wants, goals, and their thoughts about possible solutions. This cooperative approach means that both contribute their understanding to the problem (which often makes it clearer) and both feel involved in the process and committed to the success of the solution they agree upon.

If, up to now, you viewed negotiation in a relationship as a struggle or a hassle, an opportunity to be overpowered or cheated, you are not alone. Because we live in a competitive society, where a lot of emphasis is placed on winning or losing a conflict, it is difficult to realize that, when we are dealing with those we love, problems can be solved through cooperative teamwork, and that solutions can be reached where no one loses, and everyone benefits.

In this book you will learn an effective, proven model for resolving the difficulties you will inevitably experience as a couple in an intimate relationship. We call this approach Cooperative Problem Solving and you may find it almost revolutionary. In Cooperative Problem Solving, both parties attempting to resolve a conflict or make a decision involving them can negotiate so that both get what they want. The following chapters will help you learn all the highly effective decision making skills you need to solve each relationship problem as it arises. You will learn how to solve the problems of the past (I'm afraid we'll fight about money like my first wife and I did); the present (I don't think I'm getting a fair share of the housework) and the future (what will we do if I lose my job?). Instead of being a struggle or something to avoid, solving such problems will become an opportunity to re-affirm your mutual love and caring, and to strengthen your partnership and teamwork.

How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free is essentially a step-by-step guide to help you learn how to move easily together through the five steps of Cooperative Problem Solving, using the Negotiation Tree presented later in this chapter.

Problem Solving

Cooperation simply means working together as equals, focused on solving the problem in a way that satisfies both partners needs. Cooperative Problem Solving means you solve problems by working together as equals, rather than struggling with each other, so all of your emotional, mental, and creative energy can be focused on finding a solution, creatively exploring the problem, developing alternatives, putting your mutually chosen solutions into action, and solving the problem.

You may think that's a lot to promise, because the idea that both of you can work together to get all that both of you want every time runs counter to conventional wisdom and perhaps your own personal experience.

Experience and training leads all of us to believe in scarcity and competition. Because our world offers few examples of cooperation, and many examples of competition, winning, and losing, as couples we tend to approach problem solving in the same competitive way. When we want different things, we argue over which of us gets our way insisting on our being "right" or on making the other "wrong" in order to have our way. Or we just give up convinced it is not worth it or we can never win over our partner and feel restricted, deprived, hurt and angry. This is especially true in relationship problems. When things go wrong, it is easy to believe that there's not enough of what you want to go around.

Carol and Joe, for example, have a conflict. They both want the car for the evening. Because of their conflicting wants, they get anxious that there might not be enough transportation for the two of them, and begin arguing. Carol (after arguing for about 20 minutes about who needs or deserves the car more) gets angry enough to grab the keys and take the car, leaving Joe to find other transportation. Carol has "won" the car, but created a bigger relationship problem: Joe ends up feeling deprived and angry and Carol feels anxious and guilty. Because they are convinced there is no way both of them can have what they want, they get upset and fight, so neither of them considers an alternate solution, and someone has to do without transportation.

On the other hand, if Carol and Joe learn Cooperative Problem Solving, they will know how to work together as a team to reach a solution that is mutually satisfying. Confident that their goal is that both of them be content with the result, Carol and Joe will be much less likely to approach the transportation problem with a "win or lose" attitude, and both will find it much easier to be flexible, accepting and understanding of the other's position.

Using their new Cooperative Problem Solving skills, Carol and Joe focus on finding a way for both to get transportation for the evening, consider other options: Joe can get a ride with a neighbor, relative or friend, Carol can drop Joe off on her way, either can take a taxi, bus or a train, someone else may let them borrow a car, they can adjust their schedules so they don't need the car at the same time, or they might even decide to rent or buy another car. They can negotiate until they both are satisfied.

The negotiations you will learn in this book will not prove you're wrong and your partner is right, or vice versa, because the main purpose of cooperation is to avoid the competitive "win/lose" attitude that anyone has to be wrong. These negotiations are based on the belief that both of you right and deserve to have what you want.

Cooperative Problem Solving is a new way of looking at decision making, agreements, communication, power sharing, and solving problems - a way that you can use to replace the competitive interaction in your intimate relationship with teamwork and cooperation, and the fear that you will "lose" what you want with the confidence that both of you can be satisfied. At first, this cooperative approach may seem radically different and even foreign to you, but you will find it makes sense as it is presented in the Negotiation Tree, and is very effective. Like others who have used these ideas and exercises, you can create teamwork and equal partnership in your intimate relationship.

By following the five steps of Cooperative Problem Solving, you will learn a method of resolving conflict based on better understanding each other's wants and needs, communicating clearly, developing new, creative options, making decisions, and reaching solutions that are completely satisfactory to both partners. Cooperative Problem Solving will help you master the basic attitudes and skills of cooperation at the same time as it helps you to solve your problems.

Cooperative Problem Solving also motivates you and your partner to participate equally and actively in resolving struggles because the goal of Cooperative Problem Solving is always to develop a solution that is completely satisfying to both of you. Cooperative Problem Solving minimizes confusion by teaching you specific options, such as how to clarify and communicate the problem, how to make sure your partner is equally involved, and what to do when your partner doesn't want to cooperate.

If you cooperate to solve problems when they arise, the experience of working together and caring about each other's wants (Joe and Carol mutually decide that Carol will drop Joe off, so they both have transportation) builds trust and goodwill between you. This feeling of trust, (the next negotiation about the car will be easier, and Carol and Joe will be more relaxed, because they cooperated this time) and confidence that you can successfully meet challenges together, creates a solid bond between you, and is the key to establishing a free couple relationship.

Cooperative Problem Solving will help you solve problems:

. When you know what you want, but you're not getting it.

. When you and your partner seriously disagree, over what you want or how to handle a problem.

. Each time you have a partnership decision to make, from buying a new car or house to deciding whose career move is most beneficial.

. If you know you're unhappy, but aren't sure what you want.

. If your partner is obviously unhappy and you don't know why.

As you read through the chapters and do the exercises, you and your partner will quickly see which negotiation problems arise most often for you, which skills you need to practice, and which attitudes have kept you stuck in your past relationship problems. As you practice the skills and follow the guidelines in the Negotiation Tree, you will overcome barriers, correct old, competitive attitudes, and develop new skills for communicating. Cooperative Problem Solving techniques will become easier and flow more as you use them.

Barriers And Skills

As you begin to learn and work with the five steps of Cooperative Problem Solving you will learn many new skills, and probably encounter a number of difficulties that will tempt you to give up and abandon the process. We call the difficulties that arise the "barriers" to Cooperative Problem Solving, and each chapter outlines the typical barriers (such as: not knowing what you want, competing, inexperience and mistrust, confusion, lack of communication, not enough information, and unresolved anger) you are likely to encounter at each step of the process. Each chapter teaches you specific skills (such as: clarifying your wants, cooperation, reassurance, clear communication, research projects, and discharging old anger) designed to overcome these barriers. For each barrier that arises, the Negotiation Tree will teach you and your partner the skills you need:

a) to be aware of the possible barriers,

b) to anticipate them and minimize the problems they cause, and

c) to overcome the barriers you do encounter as you learn Cooperative Problem Solving.

Cooperation and the Free Couple Relationship

A free couple relationship is the long-range benefit of learning to problem-solve in this way. After you and your partner have used Cooperative Problem Solving to work together to resolve several problems in a totally satisfying way, you will begin to feel more secure about your teamwork, and therefore, your partnership. Knowing you can make agreements that both of you will keep, and that when problems arise you can work together to solve them, will build a deeper level of trust between you - trust that you can handle life's difficulties, problems and disagreements in a spirit of cooperation, trust that you both are willing to work for your mutual satisfaction, and trust that you really care about your mutual happiness.

The communication and negotiating skills that you develop by using the exercises and guidelines of the Negotiation Tree will overlap into the rest of your activities - at work, dealing with children, and relating to other family members and friends. You will discover that the same techniques that make it easier to work together with your partner also ease all other attempts at communication. When you learn how to present a problem clearly in a way that invites your partner to work on it with you, you will be able to use the same method to address a problem with coworkers. Conflicts resulting from misunderstandings will be rare and, when they do arise, far more easily resolved in all areas of your life.

Over time, this new way of relating as equals who work together can transform your relationship, as it did with Joe and Carol.

They realized through Cooperative Problem Solving that Joe needed to learn to take better care of himself and Carol, who knew how to care for Joe, was learning to be aware of her own needs. As they learned this new mutually caring attitude through solving simple problems such as who got the car, their way of being together changed. At first, Carol asked for more affection and help with the housework. Joe agreed and asked for help learning what she wanted so he could be warm and caring toward her, and to take more responsibility around the house.

As they negotiated successfully through a long series of small adjustments over a period of months, they also modified how they behaved toward each other. Joe learned to share his dissatisfaction with his work, and be more affectionate toward Carol, and Carol felt more responsive and generous to Joe as she learned get her own needs met. As a result of working together on these and other related issues, Joe was encouraged to get training for a new, more satisfying and better paying career, and Carol became more independent, and had more time and energy for her career. They learned to cooperate on housekeeping chores, until they became successful enough that they hired a housekeeper. Their mutual support and lack of struggle at home gave them an extra boost in their careers, both of which thrived as a result.

Couples who know from experience that they can successfully make decisions and feel mutually satisfied and enhanced by being with each other, do not doubt their relationship or their commitment. When a relationship goes well, the reasons for being in it are clear: Why would any one want to leave a relationship where they get what they want all the time? The Negotiation Tree can help you work together until you develop a habit of seeking mutually satisfying solutions to every problem that arises, so you can build this kind of solid, reliable free couple relationship.

Some people are afraid of commitment and deep caring, because they're trying to avoid the pain of the loss when it ends. Creating a free couple relationship is reassuring, because the ease of negotiation and the openness about wants mean there will not be any surprises. If one of you is unhappy, you will have the tools to talk about the problems, and most likely fix them.

Nothing can protect you from inevitable loss of your relationship someday. No matter how happy you are together, eventually one of you will probably survive the other. Where there is deep love, deep grief is unavoidable. We believe that being able to experience years of a deep, loving partnership that works is worth the pain of loss at the end.

[NOTE: begin Negotiation Tree on a fresh page, to make it easier for reader to use. Also, end it on a page by itself.]

Learning to Use The Negotiation Tree

Although the five steps of Cooperative Problem Solving are simple, you will feel awkward when you are first beginning to learn to use them. Until you are thoroughly familiar with this new way of negotiating, there will be many occasions when you will not know what to do or will fall back into unhealthy old patterns like competing, arguing, not knowing what you want, misunderstanding each other, or feeling discouraged or confused. At such times you will need help in staying focused on Cooperative Problem Solving, or you may find that your negotiation winds up in argument and frustration rather than solving the problem.

To help ease you through such difficulty and speed you back on the right track, we have developed the Negotiation Tree on (page ___) a blue print for problem solving, or a road map that will help guide you, with tested and proven methods, through the problems of problem solving. You will want to refer to it often, so you may want to make a copy of it for easy reference.

Steps to Cooperative Problem Solving

As you can see on the Negotiation Tree, there are five main steps to Cooperative Problem Solving:

Step One: Define and Communicate the Problem. in which you learn to clearly define what is bothering you and communicate it to your partner in a way that will make it easy for them to hear, and encourage them to cooperate in solving it.

Step Two: Agree to Negotiate. in which you obtain your partner's agreement to work together cooperatively to solve the problem to your mutual satisfaction.

Step Three: Set the Stage. in which you create a relaxed, uninterrupted atmosphere conducive to working together calmly and effectively.

Step Four: State and Explore Wants. in which both of you discover what you want relative to the problem, and work to communicate your wants to each other.

Step Five: Explore Your Options and Decide: in which you learn to Brainstorm to create new, innovative ideas for solving the problem, until you have selected a mutually satisfactory solution, then confirm your solution to eliminate any possible confusion, and celebrate your success.

For each of the five steps the Negotiation Tree will ask you to carry out a part of Cooperative Problem Solving such as "define the problem", and then refer you to the section and page in the book that explains that step, so, if you don't remember what that step entails, or you get confused or "stuck" and need help, you can look up the description of that step. That section of the book will tell you, in detail, exactly what you must do to "define the problem".

Then, the Tree will ask you a yes or no question, such as "Is the problem clear to both of you?" and gives you two options (the possible answers to the question): yes or no. If the answer to the question is yes, you follow the instruction in the yes column, ("If yes, state problem, and proceed to step II"). If no, The Tree will tell you what to do: ("If no, do The Problem Indicator Inventory (page ___) until the problem is clear, and try again."). In this way, the Negotiation Tree will lead you, step by small step, through the negotiation process, and any time a step doesn't work (that is, you get a no answer) it will direct you to the page where you will find the appropriate exercise or guideline that you need at that moment to solve the problem cooperatively.

The Tree is a set of sequential instructions for Cooperative Problem Solving derived from a time-tested procedure. It points out each step in the procedure in sequence, with instructions and examples of what to do at each step, when to go on to the next step, and when to refer to the exercises and explanations in the book because a step is not complete. The Negotiation Tree is designed as a teacher for beginners and as a trouble shooting aid for more experienced negotiators. In this way, the Negotiation Tree leads you, safely and step by small step, through the entire process.

Problem Solving, How to Begin

We strongly recommend reading the book and doing the relevant exercises before using the Negotiation Tree, so that you will have a basic understanding of the terms, guidelines, and skills before you use them for the first time. Once you have familiarized yourselves with the tools taught here, whenever you need to solve something you can begin by following the Negotiation Tree, and allowing it to show you the most appropriate and needed exercises, guidelines, examples, and sections of the book for your situation. It becomes a road map for problem solving.

When you have read the book, done the exercises, and feel ready to try Cooperative Problem Solving, we recommend that you select a problem that seems simple and straightforward. A small problem that doesn't have an emotional charge and seems easy to resolve will give you a chance to learn the process. Try a problem that you normally just let one person decide without negotiation, such as which movie to see or where to eat, only this time agree not to compromise, and negotiate with the intent of both of you getting exactly what you want, through Cooperative Problem Solving. Because the Negotiation Tree helps you focus on creative, new ideas, you may find that you will go out dancing or to a play or concert instead of a movie, or pick up food from two different restaurants and rent a video, so each of you can have different things at the same time!

In the beginning, keeping the problem simple gives you a chance to learn how problem solving works. Problems like "What shall we do this weekend?" or "Who does the dishes tomorrow?" are more likely to be successful first-time experiences than emotionally laden problems ("We're not having enough sex") that have been longstanding and frustrating to either one or both of you.

Run through the process several times over the next few days, practicing with small problems. When you get stuck, use the Negotiation Tree as your guide to the relevant exercises and instructions. When negotiating small problems becomes easy, challenge yourselves by picking a slightly tougher problem to negotiate. If you've picked a problem that proves too tough, either break it down into several, simpler problems, or go to a different, easier problem for more practice, (as Suzie and Mike do in the following example) then come back to the tougher problem again.

When Suzie and Mike negotiate about spending money and find that there is not enough money for both to do what they want to do, they could struggle, argue or fight over who gets what they want. Instead, they realize that they have an opportunity to work together if they break their negotiation down further, from who gets to spend the money to negotiating over how to create more money.

As they work together to resolve their money problem, they might hidden resources, alternative and inexpensive ways to have what they want, and that their lack of money is temporary, a minor inconvenience, and begin to plan to create the extra money they need.

Negotiating is not difficult or painful, but in the beginning, learning a new skill can feel awkward and clumsy. Until you get as familiar with the process as Suzie and Mike are, you may occasionally get "stuck" or confused while experimenting. This is to be expected, and the Negotiation Tree will tell you what to do if this happens.

As you begin to experiment, you'll see the steps are simple and easy to understand, and a little experimentation will convince you that the process works. The only way you can fail at Cooperative Problem Solving is to quit before you learn all the essential skills this book teaches.

With a little practice, you'll find it soon becomes quite comfortable and easy. The goal of cooperation is to make negotiating a pleasant and successful process. In a relatively short time, it can become second nature to negotiate as a partnership; the success rate you will experience when you try cooperative negotiation will be very rewarding.

It is worth taking the extra time to learn this now, because once you become expert at Cooperative Problem Solving, it will make problems easy to solve for the rest of your life, and it will give you the confidence to try working together on problems you always thought were impossible to solve. After a few months, you'll be negotiating many aspects of your relationship, until it becomes fully satisfying, easily sustainable, and you both realize you have developed a free couple relationship.

From their experience of cooperative negotiating, free couples know the effectiveness of working together to solve problems and the good feeling of teamwork that enhances their good will and trust so they face every disagreement, struggle, problem or question with the belief that it can probably be solved in a mutually satisfactory way. They know that the only solution that will really work is a cooperative solution, because a competitive, win/lose solution will undermine their partnership.

This new approach to solving problems works precisely because it is so rewarding. When both of you have enough experience at Cooperative Problem Solving to realize that you can't lose, you will approach disagreements, problems and discussions with a new sense of confidence. You will soon see that each problem solving session adds new strength and resilience to your relationship, because it adds to your conviction that together you can work anything out successfully.

Once you learn the process, you will consider no problem solved until you both get exactly what you want. You will view each other as helpmates, team partners, who enhance and add to each other's ideas and options. The more problems you solve, the stronger your bond becomes.

If Your Partner Isn't Cooperating

Although ideally you and your partner will use the Negotiation Tree together, unlike most methods of improving your relationship, you can use the Negotiation Tree to learn better relating and communicating skills and solve relationship problems by yourself. There may be times when you understand Cooperative Problem Solving, are clear about the benefits, and your partner is suspicious, uninterested, unavailable or unwilling to try.

The idea of negotiating may sound intimidating and scary to your partner until you both try it, and he or she may be hesitant to cooperate at first, but we have provided for that contingency. The Negotiation Tree shows you exactly how to take the pressure off your partner and yourself, and make Cooperative Negotiation very inviting to your mate (Guidelines for Solving It Yourself, page ____).

One of the unique features of the Negotiation Tree is that it shows you how to be clear about what your problem is, communicate it more effectively to your partner, and persist in a way that increases the possibility of enlisting your partner in Cooperative Negotiation. By reading the book by yourself, even if your partner is uninterested so far, you can still learn Cooperative Problem Solving and how to make cooperation attractive and inviting to a partner. If your partner resists negotiating, the Negotiation Tree will direct you to the guidelines on Gentle Persistence, which will give you instructions for maximum effectiveness in inviting him or her to cooperate with you.

If you are reading this book on your own, begin with finding a simple problem, defining it so you understand it, and practicing how to state the problem clearly, Try Cooperative Problem Solving even though your partner doesn't know about it. Announce to your partner that you need some help with something, and then define the problem. Ask if your partner will help you to solve it, and negotiate with you. As the Negotiation Tree says, if you get a yes answer, proceed according to the tree. If you don't, solve the problem for yourself, but announce to your partner what your solution is, and that you're still open to negotiation if your partner is interested. This maximizes your partner's incentive to join in and work together with you. This will show your partner the benefit of getting to be part of the solution, even if they know nothing about Cooperative Problem Solving.

If Suzie keeps putting Mike off when he wants to talk about budgeting money, Mike can decide he's going to get a separate checking account so he can at least control his share of the money, and invite Suzie to discuss it with him if she has a different idea.

If You Are Single

If you are single, and preparing for a future relationship, you can use the Negotiation Tree to help solve your problem by learning to use Cooperative Problem Solving with friends and family. Knowing how to clearly communicate what's important to you, to accurately understand what a prospective partner wants and needs, and to be able to work out differences cooperatively will prepare you for the relationship you want, and help you achieve it smoothly and successfully. When you do find the partner you hope for, having these skills will enable both of you to develop a free couple relationship from the beginning.

After deciding on a simple, beginning problem, copy the Negotiation Tree (on pages ___) and begin with the first step, Define Your Problem, which is fully explained in the next chapter.

Excerpted from
Wake Up or Break Up: 8 Crucial Steps to Strengthening Your Relationship
By Leonard Felder, Ph.D.

Now we come to a third tricky behavior that disrupts the balance of a relationship and creates substantial friction between partners. When you have to make a major decision about your career, vacation plans, weekend plans, or the purchase of a home, a car, or something less expensive for around the house-a sofa, lamp, barbecue grill, lawn ornament, video equipment, sound system, or other item-do you automatically consult with your partner about the best choice for both of you? Or do you sometimes listen to the part of your brain that is saying, "Naaaaah, I don't need to run this by anyone. It would be a lot easier and less complicated if I just made the decision on my own and told my partner there was no time for consultation."

Even couples who love each other a lot and who strongly value fairness and good communication may make hasty or one-sided decisions without taking seriously the other person's point of view. There seems to be a basic human urge for control that even good people find hard to resist, almost as if they are saying, "Hey, I grew up with a parent (or an older sibling) who never took my feelings and opinions seriously. I had to ask for their permission all the time and they rarely checked in to see how I viewed a situation. Now that I'm an adult, I don't want to have to stop and talk things over with someone who might disagree or slow me down. Sure it would be nice to have my partner's input, good ideas, and mutual consent before I rush into a major decision. But it's so much quicker to just do it my way and tell my partner later when it's a done deal."

For men, especially, it may feel unnatural and almost creepy to have to consult with your partner. You may have been told as a young boy-and may still be told-"Make up your own mind," "Don't be wishy-washy," "Be your own man." That's one of the reasons many men don't like to ask for directions or seek advice. From an early age they are taught it's weak, shameful, or downright unmanly to ask for consultation or advice when we should be making up our own minds as though we have all the answers.

For women there are different, but equally strong, reasons for not checking in with a partner. Some feel that they are giving the lover or spouse too much power, and that it's easier to get things done by not asking for input ahead of time. Other women were raised with the same tactics described in Nia Vardalos's My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the mother teaches the daughter, "Do what I do with your father-always make him think it was his idea and then he'll say yes." Still others were taught that you probably won't get a yes if you ask directly, but if you use your looks, your charm, or your sweet voice to distract your partner you will get the person to go along with what you want.

UDMs are the WMDs of Relationships

Unilateral (one-sided) decision-making might appear at first glance to save time or eliminate complicating factors, but over months or years in a romantic partnership, this attitude of "I'm gonna do what I want and you don't have any say in the matter" may slowly drive a wedge between the two of you and cause friction, hurt feelings, and ugly scenes. In fact, it may take years or decades to resolve the anger and loss of trust that occur when you pull a fast one on your partner and make a major decision without adequate consultation. I've counseled good people with good partners who have remained distant or distrustful of each other for many years after a Unilateral Decision-Maker, or UDM, left his or her partner out of a crucial decision.

Three types of UDMs are common:

The Pressured UDM makes a dinner commitment with an important client or a social engagement with friends and neglects to discuss it with his or her partner until the last minute. The Unilateral Decision-Maker will often say, "I felt pressured to do this." The left-out partner will often feel, "Bullshit! You could have said, 'Let me check with my partner to see if it works for both of our schedules. Then I'll get back to you by the end of the day.'" Do one or both of you sometimes make plans without considering the other person's preferences or needs?

The Generous-but-Controlling UDM buys his or her partner a new car, a piece of furniture, or an article of clothing but neglects to ask for input about the color, fabric, style, or features for the item that the unconsulted partner would be using most of the time. The generous-but-controlling partner often says, "But I wanted it to be a surprise" or "But it was on sale and I just happened to be in the store." The unconsulted partner often feels, "I don't want to sound ungrateful, but could you stop for a moment and think about whether you would want to spend several years with something important that has the wrong colors, fabric, style, and features for your particular tastes and needs? I thought we were going to make that decision together ... as teammates."

(In situations like this one, I've found it's a good idea for the couple to take the item back and start the decision process again, with better consultation and teamwork this time. Otherwise, each time you look at the car, furniture, appliance, clothes, or expensive item that your partner chose without considering your point of view, it's likely to bring back feelings of resentment and imbalance. But if you take the bold step of getting your money back for the item that's been causing a rift between you, you will hear a wake-up call in your relationship that says, "We learned something here. We're going to be partners from now on and not pull any fast ones on each other. Our trust and our sense of teamwork are more important than this item that was driving a wedge between us.")

The Subtle UDM pretends to be flexible but really isn't. For example, when asked which restaurant or movie he or she might prefer, the Subtle UDM says, "Oh, it doesn't matter to me. Whatever you want is fine." But then when the initiating partner suggests a restaurant or movie, the unilateral decision-maker frowns and says, "No, I don't think so." The initiating partner may then offer a second choice of a restaurant or movie, to which the UDM frowns and says, "No, I'm not in the mood for that." Pretty soon, after three or four rounds of "whatever you want is fine, except for that and that and that," the initiating partner gives in and goes along with the particular movie or restaurant that will cause the subtle UDM to say yes, even if it's a movie or restaurant the initiating partner doesn't especially like. Does this sound familiar to you? Do you sometimes feel like a dentist pulling teeth to get your loved one to be flexible or to say yes without a huge ordeal?

The next time you or your loved one suspects that one of you is being a unilateral decision-maker, you don't need to scream or shout at each other. All you need to do is calmly and lovingly say to your partner, "Let's take a few minutes and admit what we each want or don't want regarding this decision. Then let's invent an imperfect solution that respects both of our differing points of view."

Excerpted from
Same-Sex Marriage: Pro and Con
By Andrew Sullivan

Whatever effect these liturgical ceremonials were intended to achieve, it is clear that they used ecclesiastical formalities to make two men "brothers," and employed various rituals and symbolic claims to confirm this relationship within the confines of the church. All of Boswell's documents relate to practices rooted in the societies of Greece, the Balkans and the eastern Mediterranean between the twelfth and sixteenth centuries though, as he rightly argues, they surely reflect practices that were current from periods dating back to the end of the Roman empire, and probably earlier. The original documents that he cites are therefore in Greek, the ecclesiastical lingua franca of the eastern Mediterranean. The only Western versions of them are translations made into Latin from the original Greek prayer and liturgical books-wherein, notably, it seems that the Latin translators did not understand the purpose of the originals very well.

The ecclesiastical rituals that bless adelphopoiesis, or the making of a brother, include prayers and invocations of Christian virtues, particularly agape, or the Christian concept of love. They note that conditions of peace, not conditions of hate or vituperation, should exist between the two parties. Appeal is also made to pairs of men in the Christian tradition who were thought to exemplify these virtues: Philip and Bartholomew, among the disciples of Christ, and Serge and Bacchus, among the martyrs of the early church. Other elements of the ceremonial include, most significantly, the shaking or "juncture" of right hands; the exchanging of tokens; the mutual bestowing of a ritualistic kiss; and the holding of a celebratory feast or banquet to mark the occasion.

Such agreements and rituals are "same-sex" in the sense that it is two men who are involved; and they are "unions" in the sense that the two men involved are cojoined as "brothers." But that is it. There is no indication in the texts themselves that these are marriages in any sense that the word would mean to readers now, not in any sense that the word would have meant to persons then: the formation of a common household, the sharing of everything in a permanent co-residential unit, the formation of a family unit wherein the two partners were committed, ideally, to each other, with the intent to raise children, and so on.

Although it is difficult to state precisely what these ritualized relationships were, most historians who have studied them are fairly certain that they deal with a species of "ritualized kinship" that is covered by the term "brotherhood." (This type of "brotherhood" is similar to the ritualized agreements struck between members of the Mafia or other "men of honor" in our own society.) That explains why the texts on adelphopoiesis in the prayer-books are embedded within sections dealing with other kinship-forming rituals, such as marriage and adoption. Giovanni Tomassia in the 1880s and Paul Koschaker in the 1930s, whose works Boswell knows and cites, had already reached this conclusion.

This likely interpretation is made more likely by an extensive modern study of which Boswell appears to be unaware. In 1987 Gabriel Herman, a professor of history at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem, published Ritualized Friendship and the Greek City. In that book, and in several papers and articles on the subject published in leading journals of history and literature, Herman has analyzed the phenomenon of fictive "brotherhood" and "friendship" in the context of the world of the Greek city-state, and also in the cultures of the ancient Near East and in the regions that would later become parts of Slavonic Europe. In Herman's studies one finds all the phenomena regarded as indicative of "same-sex marriage" by Boswell: the ritual of the handshake, the exchange of tokens and right hands (dexiai), the declaration of love and friendship and of "no hostility or animosity" between the two parties, the exchange of a ritualistic kiss and the celebration of a common feast or banquet at the time of the formation of the compact.

Such ceremonials created ritualized friends who often spoke of each other as "brothers" and forged a close bond of brotherhood between themselves. They were "made brothers" rather than "brothers by nature." Hence the terminology, in Boswell's documents, of adelphopoiesis, or the ritual connected with "the making of a brother," and the phrases in his liturgical documents that specify that the two men "are not joined by the bond of nature, but rather by means of faith / trust and spirit," or similar words. This is why the documents contain references to the right of "protective asylum" (asylon anepereastos) and "safe conduct" (asphaleia) as divine attributes.

The kinds of words used to express the new relationship of "brothers" (words that are also found in Boswell's ecclesiastical rituals) were employed precisely because the men often entered into these relationships not out of love, but out of fear and suspicion. Hence the effusive emphasis on safety and trust.

Excerpted from
Retirement for Two
By Maryanne Vandervelde, Ph.D.

For many of us, this is the first and only time in our lives that we can make really significant choices. We may not have youth any longer, but we likely have gained some wisdom. If we want to, we can reinvent ourselves. We can live wherever we want. If we have enough money, we can work-or not. We can volunteer and give something back-or not. We can take classes and learn something new-or not. We can ski or play tennis or golf-even on weekdays, when access is easier. We can travel for short or long periods of time-or not at all. We can strengthen old friendships or make new friends-or neither. We can spend more time with our children and grandchildren-if they will have us. We can take care of pets-or not. We can spend quality time with whomever we wish. We can improve, or at least conserve, our health. We can sleep as much as we want, staying up late or getting up early. We can pay more attention to our investments. We can finally relax.

One upscale couple described retirement as freedom from ties and dresses. My own husband has a closet full of suits providing sustenance for the Seattle moths. (He says he has to keep a couple for weddings and funerals.) At the same time, he has acquired a huge wardrobe of shorts and golf shirts. To my chagrin, he has been known to wear shorts to the finest restaurants! I too have a lot of business suits in my closet, but I seldom wear anything these days except comfortable pants, cotton shirts, and sensible shoes.

Clothing issues are frivolous, but bigger, more important questions must be addressed in the context of this new freedom. The overall, most interesting question is "What do I want for the rest of my life?" And behind that question is "What will bring me pleasure and peace?" While these questions suggest wonderful opportunities, they can be terrifying as well.

New Images and Role Models

There has been a dramatic shift in most people's thinking about retirement. This stage of life used to be seen as sad and even slightly embarrassing-old people waiting in the wings before the final curtain call, people who have been put on the shelf, out to pasture. Now, however, younger people often sound jealous of their elders. Advertisements show retirement as sexy and older people as upbeat. The shrewd marketing of one retirement chain says: "It's a time for boundless fun with friends old and new."

It has been said that retirees are the new American adolescents. They play sports, drive fast cars, travel to exotic locales, and have romantic dates with each other. In the words of Neil Young's song, a lot of retirees would rather burn out than rust.

Our role models have changed too. A lot has been written, for example, about Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter in their post-presidential years. They both were out of jobs early-he at age fifty-six, she at fifty-five. They had some adjusting to do, but they have become examples par excellence for many. He plays softball. They are both physically fit. They build houses for Habitat for Humanity in poor neighborhoods and do other volunteer work. They both write books. Together they run the Carter Center in Atlanta-a forum for resolving international disputes and pursuing health issues. She hosts a yearly symposium on mental health. He travels around the world to monitor elections and mediate conflicts. They have taken up new recreations and hobbies. They have helped each other try many new things. They also make their family a priority.

There is some conjecture that the Carters have worked so hard at retirement because their record in the White House leaves a lot to be desired. If this is true, it is an option that is available to all of us. That is, if we are not happy with what we accomplished at work, we still have many years to do other things well. If we have been victims of difficult bosses, they are no longer in charge. If we have made some poor choices in the past, the slate is now almost clean again. If our parents and grandparents provided negative models for retirement, we can make up our own rules. This is a wonderful time for new beginnings.

Happiness

Retirement may be a bigger deal than we had thought, and doing this stage well, especially as a couple, may take more effort than we had planned. Transferring our focus away from work can have unexpected ramifications, and learning to maneuver around new barriers may take some new skills. But all of this can be a wonderful experience for couples who are determined to find the best path-for them.

Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy's oft-quoted advice about relationships was "Stay loyal to those who love you." If we are lucky enough, or resourceful enough, to have a partner in this retirement adventure, we'd be wise to listen

Anna Quindlen's graduation speech at the Collegiate School in New York City, now a book called A Short Guide to a Happy Life, suggests this simple prescription for happiness: Pay attention to relationships. Ms. Quindlen wrote short, elegant vignettes about her own role as a spouse, a parent, and a friend, and each paragraph ends the same way: "I show up; I listen; I try to laugh."

None of these three behaviors is particularly easy because most of us are very selfish about our time and energy. We don't always want to show up when others ask; we have more important things to do. Then, because our minds are occupied with our own, more significant issues, it is hard to calm down enough to really listen. That is, it's difficult to not only hear the words but also use our "third ear"-the one that searches for context and meaning. And finally, it is not always easy to keep one's sense of humor, especially in relationships that have been strained over the years by anger or disappointment. But the effort to laugh and not take life too seriously will bear magnificent fruit in both oneself and one's relationships.

Most of us take little time to ponder philosophical matters as we struggle to make a living and raise our families, but retirement is finally the time to focus on meaning! Happiness does not come out of the clear blue sky, and it seldom comes to very selfish people Happiness involves relationships with others and activities that have some meaning for us. The examined life is still the best one, and retirement-especially with a partner-can be wonderful because you now have the time to make happiness happen.

Excerpted from
Laptop Bride: Using The Internet To Plan Your Dream Wedding
By Cathy Lynn

Congratulations! He has asked and you said yes. The two of you have made one of the most important decisions of your life and the next step will be to plan your dream wedding. Planning your wedding will be filled with the most wonderful and stressful moments of your life. It will be time consuming, yet wonderful. It will be exciting at times and frustrating at other times. In the end, you will realize that your wedding will be one of the most pivotal moments of your life. You will be full of emotion, fear, love, and tears, while filled with the promise of a new life to come. As time goes on, you will realize how important this day is, not only to you, but everyone around you as well. Weddings have a way of enveloping everyone around you. Your family, friends, co-workers and even strangers will offer congratulations and suggestions. Weddings represent new beginnings and a reminder of the love and romance everyone has encountered in their own lives. So make this the wedding of your dreams.

The Internet has thousands of web sites to view and they are all very competitive and unique. The question you are probably asking is, "Why should I plan my wedding using the Internet?" The answer is, "Why shouldn't you?" With wedding costs skyrocketing to over $20,000 for a mid-class traditional wedding, wouldn't you find it much easier to shop and get ideas "on-line?" It makes sense to investigate your options. On-line, you can seek out the latest wedding trends, find gowns, order gowns, look at headpieces that are simple, elegant or even gaudy, and get the best deals. The Internet gives you the options to think romance, personalize your wedding, fulfill your hearts desire and find great ideas, prices, and items you want. Sometimes even items you never knew existed. Best of all, you can shop anytime of day 24/7, in any type of weather, in any kind of dress, with someone, without someone. Secondly, you don't have to purchase everything on the internet. You can just look or if you see a few things, get them. Let's face it; shopping on-line is the ultimate in convenience and the wave of the future.

Laptop Bride's book is full of links that will enable you to:

• Personalize your wedding
• Find unique ways of celebrating your wedding
• Save time
• Save money
• Give you ideas and tips on trends
• Help you make your wedding unique and different from the one you went to last month
• Offer other alternatives to what is available in your town or city
• You may still wish to hire a consultant; however, you can still find some unique items for your wedding and compare ideas and costs
• Pick and choose. Allow you to obtain various ideas from various web sites, while using your own computer at home, work, or wherever you may be
• Find information, compare prices, purchase, look or just get ideas without having to deal with store personnel, finding parking, or dealing with the weather
• You can save money! Sometimes the best deals are on the 'net', because the overhead is lower
• You find exactly what you want
• Find more sizes, color, quantity, quality and availability. For instance, you may find a gown in a magazine that is not available in your town. You can go to the net, find the gown designer and see where the gown can be purchased
• Allows you more quiet, private time to think out your decisions
• Allows you to better utilize your budget

While you are surfing the "net," take notes. When you see something you like, write the web address down or save it in your "favorites" list. This will enable you to remember prices and lead you back to where you saw the item. Keep your notes; your notes will also serve as a piece of memorabilia that you can look back on. You should always carry a calendar with you, a highlighter and a pencil or pen to keep a record of your likes and dislikes. If you need a personalized calendar with outside access go to myvisto. At MyVisto you can set up a free personalized calendar where your friends can view your calendar and make an appointment with you. What better way to keep track of your time!

A fun thing that you might want to do is to keep a diary or journal. It can be beneficial in helping you keep track of what you have done and what needs to be done. Some excellent journal sites are: DiaryX.com, LiveJournal.com; DeadJournal.com; Blurty.com, DiaryLand.com, Diarist.net and Blogger.com, which are free. Simply submit your name and e-mail address and you will receive a password. Upon logging on, post your entry. You can make your diary available to everyone on the net; share your password only with certain people, or with no one. You can even ask the Blogger.com site visitors for feedback. Most experts will tell you that keeping a journal can be good for you. Writing thoughts and feelings about issues can bring clarity to problems and help you understand what is going on around you.

Key things to remember:

• Set up a "free" e-mail account for your wedding transactions and e-mails. This will keep your email separate and you can locate it from any computer. Free e-mail services are located easily on the Internet. Popular ones include: Hotmail.com, Mail.Yahoo.com and Lycos.com
• Some sites may require that you have Adobe Acrobat (.PDF format) which can be downloaded free at www.adobe.com
• Always remember "Buyer Beware." Be sure of what you are buying; get it in writing, use your credit card (for protection); when you pay by credit card, your liability for unauthorized charges or undelivered goods is usually limited to $50.00 due to federal consumer protection laws. If you pay by check or money order you won't have that protection.
• Before you buy, check the charges for shipping and handling. If you see "Free Shipping," listed, double check to see if there is a large "handling fee"
• Educate yourself on what the return policies are and read to see if they have a re-stocking fee
• Read the fine print. Some sites offer links to "Legal Terms" or "Disclaimers;" whereas others link to their policies. Some have a scrollable box that requires you to agree to the terms before you continue
• Check warranties, see if a product has a warranty and check who is responsible for repairs or breakage and how long the coverage is
• Check liability. Some sellers limit their liability to a fixed amount of money to repair an item
• Check "Legal Recourse," some sellers will specify that they can only be sued under a particular jurisdiction or under the laws of a particular state. Some require you to surrender your rights to go to any court of law
• If you decide to make a purchase, print out the form on your computer before you submit it (print and save the confirmation (some stores do e-mail you with a confirmation)). You want to keep the company contact information, description of the product ordered, the site's legal terms, completed transaction page and any confirmation e-mails. Don't just save it out in the virtual world. This way if a company should change their policies you can show that you placed your order under the previous policy

If you run into problems, you can utilize many of the government help links:

• First, contact the seller's customer service department to see if the problem can be resolved, if not, contact:
• Consumer Information Center in Pueblo Colorado has a pamphlet that costs money if you order a paper copy
• If you feel you have been a victim of fraud, report your case in full detail to the Federal Trade Commission at FTC.gov or 202-FTC-HELP (382-4357), the National Fraud Information center at Fraud.org or 1-800-876-7060, the Better Business Bureau on-line at BBBon-line.com or your State's Attorney General
• Should you have a problem with any purchase or service from the web site, you can contact the Better Business Bureau. Give them the name and address of the company, go to the BBB Web site at BBB.com and look up a bureau near the company. Contact their local office and request a free report about the company. The report should tell you how long they have been in business, whether they have had any complaints or legal actions taken against them

If you feel you may need a loan to pay for the wedding, two great sites to go to are:

• BankRate.com which is an on-line database of interest rates from banks and credit unions on different types of loans. Includes mortgage, car and home equity loans and credit cards. Another site is www.lendingtree.com.
• Need a credit card? Go to Cardweb.com and find out who has the greatest deals
• Another great opportunity is to request (in advance of course) is that a U.S. Flag be flown over the Capitol on the day and time of your wedding. There is a small fee, however it is minimal. For more information go to HomeofHeroes.com

Last but not least, there is the question, "Should you get wedding insurance?" Today it is an option that is available. With the cost of a wedding today, many brides buy wedding insurance "just in case." Most policies range in cost from around $150.00 to $400.00. Wedding policies normally reimburse all non-refundable deposits if you have to cancel or postpone the wedding due to illness, damage to the wedding or reception site, weather catastrophes or if a vendor is a no show. To find out about wedding insurance call WedSafe at 877-723-3933 (WedSafe.com) or look at this topic and others at TheKnot.com.

Now if all this has you feeling stressed, you can go to Origins.com and pick up some herbal chewing gum. Origins makes a gum called "Peace of Mind Gumballs" which contains a relaxing blend of peppermint, basil and eucalyptus. Purchase a pack (provided you are not allergic), and according to them, chewing gum helps the brain release serotonin, which in turn relieves tension.

Now that your mind is whirling with tons of ideas, start planning your wedding! Let your imagination run wild. The sky is the limit and there are great things out there to find! Make your special day one that everyone will remember!

And then I asked him with my eyes to ask again
Yes,
and then he asked me would I,
Yes
and his
heart was going like mad and
Yes
I said Yes
I will
Yes
~ James Joyce

Excerpted from
The 7 Best Things Happy Couples Do... plus one
By John Friel, Ph.D., Linda Friel

The Man, the Woman and the Sea

In The Soul of Adulthood, we wrote of the simple, extraordinary magic that comes to couples from their unconscious minds when they are in tune with themselves and each other in this true story about a couple we know. This man and woman had been together for several years and were creating a deep and abiding love for one another. They had shared many a struggle and many a joy. As they got to know each other, the man told her how much fun he and his brother and sister had swimming in the ocean every summer, and how important water had become to him during his childhood. The woman shared with him her fear of water, and of how her father had not been a very good swimming teacher because of his impatience and gruffness. But swimming outdoors in cold clear lakes and thundering ocean surf had become so deeply embedded in the man's soul that he was secretly disappointed that the woman wasn't as excited as he was about it.

They discussed these things for several years but always came to the same frustrating conclusion. The woman did not like being in the water and felt misunderstood and angry. The man, on the other hand, felt betrayed deep inside by her reluctance. But he kept trying to get her to change because he was convinced that their relationship would be ruined if she was never able to join him in the ocean as his brother and sister had.

One day when they were at the beach on a fairly calm day, the man tried every trick he could think of to talk the woman into going into the ocean with him. Purely as a gift to him the woman finally agreed, and as they began to walk into the surf together a swell came out of nowhere and washed over them, forcing water into her breathing passages. When he saw the terror in her eyes the man felt awful, and he vowed to himself and to her that he would never pressure her like that again. At the same time, the woman saw the remorse in the man's eyes and heard the sincerity in his voice, and the shared instant of simultaneous vulnerability swept over them graciously like a wave of healing light.

The next morning as he was swimming in the surf below the lanai of their hotel room, he waved to her as she read the morning newspaper and sipped her coffee, taking in the gentle breeze, and she smiled and waved back. And then from nowhere and everywhere inside of him hundreds of disconnected pieces suddenly gathered and formed an image of completion. He realized that when he was a child, all of that time spent in the boiling surf, or in the cool, dark, mystical water underneath the waves, was his way of soothing the fear and hurt that he frequently felt in his family, and that the secrets he shared with his brother and sister were not just about the ocean and its magical healing properties. As his mind eased back into the here and now, all of those disconnected fragments of pain and confusion were transformed into a single, deep, focused feeling of peace, for he realized that the pain of his childhood was behind him, and the beautiful mystery of his relationship with this woman did not demand retreat into a watery sanctuary. He no longer needed someone in the ocean with him to ease his pain. It was more than enough to swim by himself and to simply love her.

At that same moment, while she comfortably read her newspaper and sipped her coffee on their lanai overlooking the beach, the woman realized that while this man was in certain ways like her father, he was very different in many ways, especially in that he was willing and able to see the fear in her eyes, to acknowledge it, to acknowledge his mistake, and to put her safety and comfort above his own need to have her swim with him. In that instant, an old wound inside of her healed and her spirit felt light. It felt like magic to both of them. And indeed, it was.

The Magic and Science of Relationships

Poets argue that when we try to unravel the mysteries of a rainbow, we destroy its essence. Scientists argue that if we don't try, we remain prisoners of the very forces that we so admire. How can we, as human beings, reconcile our innate capacity to view creation through the lenses of metaphor and poetry with our equally inherent ability to analyze, synthesize, explain, predict and control? Is it even possible to write a book that is about both the magic and the science of relationships?

Where is the magic in relationships when we study them so carefully that we can predict with startling accuracy whether or not a couple will survive the first ten years of marriage? Where is the magic in identifying, naming and painstakingly counting hundreds of facial expressions, types of body postures, intonations and inflections of voice? If we pick apart the rainbow of relatedness, what will be left? Numbers on a computer screen? Beta weights in a multivariate analysis of thousands of tiny behaviors? Lines on a graph or chart? Is this, after all is said and done, what our relationships are about?

Science and art, magic and numbers-they do go together at some level, because at some level, they are simply ways to describe the same phenomenon. And therein lies the magic. Like William Shakespeare and Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein was a magician, but he was able to apply numbers to it, and so we called it science. The universe is magic, and it is, in our puniness, our job to unravel it. The more we understand it, the more magic is revealed to our amazement and delight-which is all a good relationship is about. Psychologist John Gottman can predict with 94 percent accuracy whether a relationship will "make it" or not, based on, among other things, the ratio of positive to negative interactions between partners over the long haul. And yet this fact does not diminish the lovers' magic one iota, because for each of us, finding and maintaining such a relationship is experienced as magic, whether numbers are applied to it or not-just like Einstein's universe.

As many of us are already well aware, undisciplined talent usually results in either nothing, or in chaos. You may be born with a marvelous musical talent, but if you never learn the skills and discipline required to write music or to play an instrument, you will never make the marvelous music that is locked up in your chromosomes. If you, like all human beings, have an innate desire for healthy, deep, loving relationships, but are never taught by example how to have them, then science tells us that you will have a difficult time having them. It is therefore with much dismay that we hear so many people say, "I don't want to learn about relationships. We just have to be together, and it will work out." In the relationship world, these are unfortunate famous last words.

Excerpted from
Bridal Guide Magazine's How to Plan the Perfect Wedding Without Going Broke
By Diane Forden

When you get engaged and contemplate your wedding day, the phrase, "What will I wear?" takes on a whole new meaning. The wedding gown you select will be the most emotionally significant-and probably the most expensive-garment you will ever own. Though you want to surrender to the emotion, you should view the process with open eyes and make smart decisions, as you would with any major purchase. Enter into the wedding gown market with an established set of priorities. By setting guidelines beforehand-the style, the season in which you'll be wearing it, how much you want to spend-you can narrow the field of dress options substantially. For some brides, price is a serious factor. For others, looks are the key to cinching the sale. Before you shop till you drop, ask yourself the following questions:

What will the style of my wedding be?

The gown you choose will depend on the formality and style of the wedding itself. Will it be traditional and formal? Contemporary and less formal? It's helpful to have decided on that before you buy the gown. As a general rule, the more formal the wedding, the more formal the gown. But if you want to wear an ornately elegant gown to your semiformal do, go right ahead! Remember, at your wedding, you're the belle of the ball, so it's okay to stand out.

When will the wedding take place?

The time of year that you plan to get married may eliminate certain choices because some fabrics and styles are better suited to different seasons. Your wedding date will also control how much time you have to spend shopping, ordering, and customizing your gown. Many custom-ordered gowns require as much as three to six months for delivery, and fittings may take another month or two. Even if you buy a gown right off the rack, it will still take time to have it altered, so you must keep your time frame in mind when you're shopping. If you're submitting a portrait to your local newspaper along with your wedding announcement, your gown will need to be ready even earlier, since most newspapers require photos four to six weeks in advance.

How much can I spend?

Just as you've set a budget for your entire wedding, you'll want to set a budget for your wedding attire. Use the wedding attire budget worksheet that follows to figure out an estimate for each expense you'll incur. Having a budget figure in mind will prevent wasted time looking at dresses way out of your price range, and it can help you determine the stores you'll visit. These days, the average bride spends about $700 on her gown. Remember, this is the average. Many engaged women spend less-and many spend significantly more. A limited budget increases the challenge of your gown search but won't decrease the satisfaction you'll feel when you find the perfect dress at a price you can afford.

Starting Your Search

Shopping for your wedding gown can sometimes feel like looking for a needle in a haystack. The options are overwhelming-more than 3,000 different bridal gown styles are created by more than 250 nationally recognized designers each year. These gowns are available through 7,500 bridal shops, salons, and department stores across the country. In addition, hundreds of regional and local designers and dressmakers contribute at least 2,000 more styles to the bridal gown design pool. It's an embarrassment of riches, so try to be pleased with the number of options rather than confused or overwhelmed.

Discount Warehouses

If you're most concerned with cost, you might be inclined to shop at a discount warehouse. Often, these places have the lowest prices, offer a large selection, and, if you're lucky, you can find an incredible bargain. Some also offer special discounts if you purchase both your wedding gown and your bridesmaid dresses.

Note. Don't expect individual attention here. You'll find and buy your dress off the rack, so getting it fitted is up to you.

Bridal Brokers

You fell in love with a gown you can't afford. A bridal broker promises to order the exact dress you're enamored of at a greatly reduced price.

Note. Bridal brokers can be risky, since they require cash payment in full, up-front, and you can't see what you're paying for ahead of time. Because they're not authorized dealers, there's also no guarantee that they can secure the dress. And since finding the dress requires a third-party transaction, it can take a long time. Or, they may give you an inferior-quality knockoff of the gown you asked for (something you may not be able to notice immediately). Most important, if anything goes wrong, you have no recourse-except perhaps small claims court.

The Fine Print

Virtually all bridal retailers require a 50 percent deposit for custom-ordered merchandise. Deposits are generally not refundable - even if your wedding is canceled. Always use a credit card when purchasing your gown. This will afford you some negotiating power in the event that a dispute arises.

Purchasing a custom-ordered gown is a contractual negotiation. Many stores will require you to sign an actual contract; others will simply specify all details on the reverse side of your receipt. Either way, be certain all the terms and conditions of your purchase are itemized-before you leave the store-including whether alterations or any accessories come with the package.

Excerpted from
Wedding Vows: Beyond Love, Honor, and Cherish
By Susan Lee Smith

Another important consideration - one that will strongly influence your selection of a ceremony location, the vows you exchange, and many other elements of your ceremony - is whether or not you plan to have a religious ceremony. Religion is one of those topics that some people are uncomfortable discussing outside the context of their own spiritual (or nonspiritual) life. However, if you're planning a wedding, it's an unavoidable topic.

The decision about whether or not to have a religious ceremony, whether in a house of worship or a strictly secular location, should be made by the bride and groom alone. Parents may not be pleased, friends may question the decision; but if a couple is mature enough to wed, their choices with regard to religious observance or nonobservance should be respected.

If the bride and groom themselves are at odds about the matter, it must be addressed immediately. A couple's ability to reach an understanding about religious matters is essential not only to planning a meaningful ceremony, but also to countless circumstances that are likely to follow within the marriage itself - from celebrating holidays to child rearing. If there's a problem, work it out now.

The decision about whether or not to have a religious ceremony should stem not from the desire to be married in a particular location, but rather, of course, from a desire to be married within that religious tradition. Some religions require that a marriage take place within a sanctioned house of worship in order to be recognized by the religious body. Others are more flexible on this matter, and the ceremony can take place just about anywhere. Generally speaking, nonreligious locations - hotels, parks, gardens, historic sites, and the like - are available for religious or nonreligious ceremonies. Most houses of worship, on the other hand, have restrictions about who may be married there and what kinds of ceremonies can be performed. While some houses of worship will accommodate nonreligious ceremonies involving nonmembers, those having nonreligious ceremonies will probably be limited to non-religious locations.

Because the policies vary widely among different religions, denominations, and sects and even among different congregations within a single denomination, the only way to find out if you may be married in a particular house of worship, and the specific conventions or restrictions associated with marrying there, is to ask. If your request to be married in a particular house of worship is declined, don't hesitate to ask why. It may be that by attending classes or converting to that faith, you may be married there. Certainly it is not advisable to "take on" a faith simply to secure a ceremony location, however, if your commitment is true, this may be the perfect opportunity to strengthen your spiritual life. If instead the bottom line is that you and the house of worship just aren't going to see eye to eye, move on. There are many lovely places to hold your ceremony; you can find one that shares your sensibilities.

In the United States, religious institutions are increasingly asking those who wish to be married within the religious community to participate in some kind of prewedding marriage preparation course, conducted either by the resident officiant or through a related organization or group. In some cases participation is optional; in other cases it is mandatory. The sooner you understand the expectations of the house of worship where you plan to marry, the better. Arrange to meet with the officiant or other official at your earliest convenience to discuss your plans and clarify expectations. At this first meeting you should also plan to discuss what restrictions, if any, the institution has with regard to the vows you will recite, musical selections, readings, and all other elements of your ceremony.

Indoors or Outdoors?

The most obvious consideration when deciding whether or not to have an indoor or outdoor ceremony is weather. Weather predicting has become very sophisticated, and you can find numerous so-called authorities that will predict the weather in your wedding city on your projected wedding date ... but don't count on it. We all know that these predictions are far from 100 percent accurate. You should always have a backup plan if you are planning an outdoor event.

If you are planning a wedding in colder climes during winter, be practical. Even if the weather is clear, the temperature is likely to be too chilly outdoors for most of your guests. Different regions of the country are prone to rainy weather during the spring, so plan accordingly. Other areas experience high humidity during the summer and early fall; your guests may melt if asked to sit through an outdoor ceremony.

Don't just consider the weather in terms of the magic moment itself; snow, ice, and rain can also create havoc on the roadways and impede your guests, vendors, and service providers or even your own ability to make it to the event on time ... or at all.

If you are considering an outdoor wedding, you should realize that there are other variables than the weather that may be beyond your control. The location may be subject to disruptive or distracting noises or sounds. A wedding in a civic garden may seem the perfect idea - but what if you arrive at the location on the big day only to discover a road crew tearing up the neighboring city street with jackhammers? Will low-flying jets drown out your vows? If you plan to marry outside, visit the location at the chosen time of day, on the same day of the week, to gauge the ambient decibels. Bring a picnic basket and stay awhile. Check with local authorities to make sure there isn't a major demolition project or public parade scheduled at or near the site on your special day.

If your outdoor location is a public one - such as a city park - be aware that your event may be interrupted by the public. When you book the location, make sure there is a clear understanding of the specific boundaries of the area you are to use, how the boundaries will be enforced, and what other events or public access will be allowed to take place adjacent to that location on the day of your wedding. Even if a passerby is just curious, he or she might unwittingly interrupt or intrude upon the event. If that is a concern, you must take steps in advance to secure the perimeter of the location, which may mean hiring a private security service.

An outdoor location might also present obstacles to participants or guests with health concerns - particularly those with allergies or physical limitations that might make it difficult for them to reach the location. If you're planning to many amid an alpine meadow in the pristine Idaho wilderness, make sure in advance that your officiant won't have a sneezing attack and that your dearest great-aunt who uses a walker will have a way to the spot without trouble.

Finally, there are the two essentials for a wedding that might not be in ready supply if you plan to wed out of doors: electricity and rest rooms. Don't laugh. It's difficult to have a wedding without the first, and please don't try to have one without the second.

With regard to the ceremony, electricity can be essential for lighting, musical equipment, and sound equipment. Planning on having a candlelit ceremony, engaging an a cappella choir, and just speaking loudly? Okay, you can probably forgo electricity, but make sure you have authorization to have open flames, and have an emergency fire plan in case something goes wrong. Electricity may also be essential for your photographer and videographer, so if you really plan to have your ceremony sans electricity, make sure all your vendors and service providers are aware of this limitation. Keep in mind that if you will need to rent and use a generator to power your event, you may have a noise problem: most generators are quite loud.

As for rest rooms ... well, there's just no doing without them, especially if your location is for both the ceremony and the reception. If your outdoor location has rest room facilities, make sure they are in good working order and that their plumbing is sufficient for an event of your size and duration. Expect that each guest will need to use the facilities about once every three hours. If you will need to rent portable rest rooms in order to stage that wedding on that long stretch of deserted beachfront, keep in mind that each unit typically readies capacity after 115 uses. If only your ceremony will take place in that location, you can probably get away with just two rest rooms - one for women and one for men. (Two might seem excessive, but it also provides you with a solution should one malfunction.) If your location will be used for the ceremony and the reception, and your combined events will last four to five hours, you should plan on a minimum of two rest rooms per 150 guests. For each hour past five hours that your event will last, count on needing one additional rest room.

Excerpted from
Help Me, I'm Married!
By Joyce Meyer

Besides this deep desire for peace, another major breakthrough for me was learning that I had a root of rejection which I share of in my book, The Root of Rejection. That problem kept me from communicating with Dave. I didn't know what in the world was wrong with me. We were okay as long as we both thought the same way about something, but if Dave had his own opinion on how something should be that was conflicting with my idea, I felt like he was putting me down.

He would try to tell me, Tm not trying to put you down. I have an opinion and you have an opinion. We have the right to have separate opinions." But I couldn't understand that because of the way I had been treated. If he rejected my opinion, I felt that he was rejecting me.

Although I couldn't work all that out in my head, I honestly did not know why we couldn't talk. We would try to talk about something, and I would get confused. I would get so confused that I didn't even know what we were doing anymore, and it was horrible. We went through this time, after time, after time.

During this same time I was actually teaching our home Bible study group on rejection! A couple of other things happened in our relationship during that time. God said to me, "You are reacting to him this way because he doesn't agree with you and you feel he's rejecting you. You are not separating your who from your do. Dave loves you, but he doesn't agree with you on this one point. And you have to let him have his opinion." It was a major turning point for me.

God wants spouses to work through the obstacles that separate them from each other. Unfortunately, there are few role models in our lives to demonstrate what He had intended for the union of a husband and wife to be. Rebellion, fear, insecurity, and impatience keep us from the blessing God intended for a man and woman to enjoy together.

I had to learn to submit to the authority of God trusting that He has my good in mind. I had to learn that God loves me enough to direct me to actions that will bring blessing not bondage. He told me in His Word to love my husband — "love Dave." I could only prove that God was trustworthy by doing what He said to do. Healing began as I was obedient to what God said to do.

God was asking me to let Dave have a separate opinion without it being a threat to my self-esteem. I had to learn to let God work out the differences between us while learning to respect Dave's differences and personality, which I will discuss more in a later chapter.

Peace comes from trusting God first. I had to learn to trust God when Dave and I differed in our opinions. By letting God into the

midst of my concerns, I began to have a new respect for Dave's point of view. Once the threat of rejection was removed from our

debate, my heart began to change. The reward of my obedience was a growing sense of admiration for my husband.

God Can Make All Things New

God does not have to have good material to build with; He is willing to take all the messes we offer Him and turn them into miracles. He has the ability to make all things new.

In Ezekiel 36:26 God makes a promise to those who will come to Him, A new heart will I give you and a new spirit will I put within you, and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. God can give a tender heart to someone whose old heart was bruised and beaten with the hardness of life.

This promise is made again in 2 Corinthians 5:17: Therefore if any person is [ingrafted] in Christ (the Messiah) he is a new creation (a new creature altogether); the old [previous moral and spiritual condition] has passed away. Behold, the fresh and new has come! God makes the past nonexistent as if it never happened so that we can face tomorrow without nagging memories from the past. He has bright and wonderful promises for our marriages if we will trust Him and do what He tells us to do.

Excerpted from
Life Sentence : The Guy's Survival Guide to Getting Engaged and Married
By J. D. Smith

Buying an engagement ring is, for most men, a terrifying experience. As well It should be. You've probably bought some jewelry for women in the past, specifically avoiding rings of any size or shape. One friend bought his girlfriend every piece of jewelry imaginable, beginning with a pair of earrings, followed by a bracelet and so on, until he'd seemingly exhausted all the possibilities. The girl was desperate for a ring, but he wanted to keep the commitment to a minimum and so he kept coming up with new items that were decidedly not rings. After the ankle bracelet he proffered a "slave" bracelet, and that was the end of his problem because she left and he started the cycle over again with the next girl.

Many women believe the chief foundation for true love is a large stone. This is further proof that size does matter. If love is something which can be measured in carats, a big ring makes an awfully compelling argument. The Diamond Council suggests that an engagement ring should cost about three months' salary. I'm sure the Egg Council would like their product to cost at least an hour's wage, but nobody ever listens to them.

Buying a ring is enormously expensive, perhaps more expensive than anything you ever bought for yourself, except your car-but that was different. The ring is a token of your everlasting love for your betrothed and a measure of your worth as a human being and a provider. Whether you step up to the plate or not, everybody's going to know. You're making a statement. The ring says "How'm I doin'?" for both of you. Go large, as big as you can. Think "ostentatious." Think "wow!" Think "skating rink." Buying a ring should hurt a little bit, but you will be far better off poor-but-happy than wealthy-but-miserable.

There are basically two ways to do this ring thing. You can research the deal on your own and take your chances, or you can get her involved. With Plan A, the more traditional approach, you have the element of surprise working for you. Even if you have discussed getting married with your girlfriend, actually asking is a well-orchestrated sneak attack. (Be very careful if you talk about getting married in conceptual terms. This is not idle chatter and can work against you. A seemingly innocent statement about your future like "I think I'll want to have children someday" opens you up to a lot of conversational tangents you might not have considered. Trying to stop the cross-examination can be like trying to stuff a mattress into a suitcase.) The D-Day invasion is a good model of both stealth and execution. Your pending engagement should receive top secret status, especially in the unlikely event that she says no.

Plan B means getting her involved and thus removes some of the surprise for both of you, except for the actual moment, location, and method of the popping of the question itself. Which, by the way, will be the last moment you're even nominally in charge of things in your relationship, so savor this moment. You may have been calling the shots up till then, but the sound of the popping of the question is the Maginot Line in every relationship. That's when she says yes or no. Either way, she is establishing a pattern that you can ask questions and she then tells you what's up-and her decision is final. After that you start planning the wedding, which is her showcase. Then you have the honeymoon, and then the honeymoon is over, as we shall see.

Buying a ring means getting an intense crash course in a subject most men avoid-Diamonds. You're like a CIA operative getting briefed for a deep-cover assignment behind enemy lines. You are going to know all about some things called "cut," "clarity," and "carat." You will become a certified expert on the subject of the "three Cs," and a whole bunch of different shapes and settings, exactly at the moment your tutor, the jeweler, swipes your credit card.

Get to know your jeweler. Diamonds are a boy's best friend. There is almost no hole so deep you can't dig your way out of it with diamonds. Besides, a diamond carries with it an implicit bonus (see "Blow Jobs") for good behavior. This is not the last piece of jewelry you're going to buy and you might as well be friends with the guy you're giving all your money to. Think of him as your junior partner in the business that is your wife.

Excerpted from
The Rules for Marriage: Time-tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work
By Sherrie Schneider, Ellen Fein

Rule #1: Continue to Be a Creature Unlike Any Other (a CUAO)

When you were single, being a "creature unlike any other" was all about attitude-having the self-confidence to weather a bad date and holding on to the conviction that you would one day find the right man, the man who would love you for the unique person you are. We asked you to pump yourself up before dates, and believe in yourself.

When you're married, you must continue to believe that you are a creature unlike any other, but now it means having confidence that your husband loves and appreciates you, and that you can have a successful and fulfilling marriage. In other words, apply the self-confidence you had while dating to being a happily married woman. Exactly what do we mean? Here are some examples:

Maintain a positive attitude. It helps to be optimistic, not cynical-and to look at the glass as half full. You still believe in love and marriage, even if some of your friends are divorced or this is your second marriage. You smile a lot. You're easy to be with. You're not a grievance collector. You don't hold grudges because you know that grudges hurt you more than the other person and add wrinkles and years to your life, so you don't tolerate them for more than five minutes. You believe that good things happen to good people most of the time, so you try to be good. You don't care if people think you are naive or a Pollyanna. It makes you happy to think this way, and that's what counts.

If you work, you do your work and go home. You don't make work your whole life. You are balanced. You believe in family first, business second. Your priorities are straight, and you're not jealous of what other people have or do.

Don't make mountains out of molehills. For example, if you trust your husband and he talks to an attractive woman at a party, you don't spend the entire car ride home grilling him about her. "So did you think she was pretty? If you were single, would you have asked her out?" Leave him alone. Your husband is allowed to talk to another woman or find her attractive. It just means he's a man and has eyes. Sometimes a married woman will call us to complain that her husband's ex-girlfriend calls once a year just to say hello. She wants to know how she should handle this. We tell her to do nothing. As long as her husband is not the one calling the ex, there's no problem.

You're in control, and you make an effort to be calm. Whether you practice yoga or meditation, the 12 Steps, light candles, read the Bible, or go to temple on Saturday or church on Sunday, try to figure out some way to rise above the daily craziness of life, the trivialities, and the petty annoyances that can bog down a marriage. Stay centered, know that the daily discipline of exercise or prayer or whatever it is you do will give you the strength to get through everything so you set aside the time to take care of yourself in this way. Hence, you don't live from crisis to crisis. Your life is not a soap opera. You don't let people or events ruin your serenity. You know that happiness comes from within.

But you're not an evangelist. If you are into some self-improvement program, are anti-fur, a vegetarian, an ex smoker, or "born again," you are not trying to convert everyone you come into contact with. (Nobody likes a zealot. They're boring.) You know that you just have to live your life and not try to change anyone. You believe in live and let live-beginning with your husband and your children-and you are serene.

In the rest of this book, you will find more than forty ways to help you continue to be a "creature unlike any other" throughout your marriage.

Rule #3: Keep Up Your Looks - But Don't Go Crazy

Let's be realistic, a good marriage is based on a lot more than looks. Your husband obviously found you attractive or he wouldn't have married you in the first place, so don't think you have to look like a movie star every day or save money for plastic surgery to keep him. Nips and tucks don't make husbands happy or keep them around. And truth be told, a lot of men find those long nail extensions scan' and useless-they wonder how you could possibly change a diaper or type on the computer without breaking them.

On the other hand, just because you are married does not mean that you should let yourself go. Strive for something in between glam and drab, like well-groomed and pretty. Remember how we told you to wear short skirts and get weekly manicures when you were dating? Well, now that you're married, you can relax a little! Your husband is not looking for a perfectly coiffed salon advertisement, but a warm, loving partner. So don't think you have to pore over the latest fashion magazines to be absolutely current and in style. It's perfectly okay to hang out in a T-shirt, shorts, and sandals with your hair in a ponytail-everyone we know does!

Now that you're married, it's more important that you maintain composure and are organized about your home, your life, your kids, your work. A spritz of perfume before he comes home goes a long way toward maintaining your sex appeal, and shows him you still care, without going overboard.

You're neat, clean, responsible, loving, and nice- (hat's sexy. You're not trying to compete with his twenty -five-year-old secretary. You don't have to wear fake eyelashes or live in a beauty salon. Two coats of mascara and short, clean nails are fine. No need to look into liposuction or breast implants. Maybe you have five or ten pounds to lose? That's okay too. Your husband is not looking for a mannequin. He would rather you be nice than a supermodel.

However, don't pack on thirty pounds after the wedding or make it a habit to walk around the house in oversize pajamas and dirty hair. Take care of yourself. Try to exercise two to three times a week, to maintain your equilibrium, shape, and energy level, and try to wear clothes that flatter your figure.

Excerpted from
The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts
By Judith S. Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee

As I come to the end of writing this book, I think about my own marriage, as I have so often in the course of the study. I am aware of the physical changes of aging in my body: my right knee is getting stiff with arthritis, and I walk more slowly than before. When my husband and I walk together, as we do daily, I notice that he has slowed his pace because of my infirmity. Of course he is aware that he is getting less exercise, but that thought is not at the center of his consciousness, and he does not expect me to express my gratitude. It goes without saying that he will accommodate to my need and we will both walk more slowly.

When we return home, he usually has some tasks he urgently wants to attend to, and that is fine with me; I know that if he doesn’t do them he will be unhappy. I am also aware that he, too, is less flexible than he used to be. So I postpone conversation until he has finished his work. I expect no appreciative comment from him. This is the give-and-take of life, and this is what marriage is about: keeping up, not getting too far ahead and not falling behind.

Marriage is made up of little things, and it is the little things that count, both the good and the bad. The little changes, too, add to the important rhythms of life. The changing interactions between my husband and me are part of this major chapter in our married life. We are building a marriage now just as surely as when we were younger, as surely as when we returned from our honeymoon and started out on our life together. The thousand and one changes in our relationship, in observing each other and adjusting to each other, are no different today. Except that we are better at it – we have had a lot of practice. Strangely enough, it is these little things, the ebb and flow of the relationship, that so many couples cannot manage.

I bring this book to a close with mixed feelings of exhilaration and sadness. From my encounters with the couples in the study I have learned a great deal about building a happy marriage, even beyond my own high expectations. I have also learned about the rigors of maintaining one’s adulthood and of being a parent amid the pressures of contemporary society. It has been a wonderful experience to spend time with couples who are thriving, who have held on to friendship and love for each other and for their children in a society in which divorce has become commonplace.

The people in these good marriages did not all start off with advantages. They came from a wide range of backgrounds: a few rich, most modest, some dirt-poor. A lucky few had parents who loved each other, but more came from marriages they perceived as unhappy. Most were eager to create a marriage that would be different from and happier than the one in which they were raised. In this they succeeded. Each couple created an emotionally rich, enduring relationship that was designed to their liking. They were frank with me about the pleasures of the marriage and also about the areas in which they felt pinched or disappointed. Their generosity has led me to new knowledge that can be put to immediate use by other married couples. I take leave of them with affection and deep gratitude.

I will miss having almost everyone I meet at social gatherings ask me anxiously, “What have you found out?” – and then wait for a one-line answer. It is truly distressing to hear over and over again how worried most of us are and how eager we all are for a message that will give us some control over the most intimate aspects of our lives.

I shall also miss the wonderfully condensed responses I received when I turned the question back to the asker. My all-time favorite: “Do I know what makes a happy marriage?” said a woman, laughing. “A bad memory.” She had a point. Surely, being able to forget the day-to-day disappointments and keep one’s eyes on the big issues is what is needed to make a marriage go. And in fact separating the trivial from the important is one of the great gifts of a sense of humor. No one would gainsay the usefulness of humor in sweetening the stresses of marriage and raising children. But in truth there are no one-line answers to the question of what makes a marriage happy.

What then are the secrets? How do a man and a woman who meet as strangers create a relationship that will satisfy them both throughout their lives?

First, the answer to the question I started with – what do people define as happy in their marriage? – turned out to be straightforward. For everyone, happiness in marriage meant feeling respected and cherished. Without exception, these couples mentioned the importance of liking and respecting each other and the pleasure and comfort they took in each other’s company. Some spoke of the passionate love that began their relationship, but for a surprising number love grew in the rich soil of the marriage, nourished by emotional and physical intimacy, appreciation, and fond memories. Some spoke of feeling well cared for, others of feeling safe, and still others of friendship and trust. Many talked about the family they had created together. But all felt that they were central to their partner’s world and believed that creating the marriage and the family was the major commitment of their adult life. For most, marriage and children were the achievements in which they took the greatest pride.

For these couples, respect was based on integrity; a partner was admired and loved for his or her honesty, compassion, generosity of spirit, decency, loyalty to the family, and fairness. An important aspect of respect was admiration of the partner as a sensitive, conscientious parent. The value these couples placed on the partner’s moral qualities was an unexpected finding. It helps explain why many divorcing people speak so vehemently of losing respect for their former partner. The love that people feel in a good marriage goes with the conviction that the person is worthy of being loved.

These people were realists. No one denied that there were serious differences – conflict, anger, even some infidelity – along the way. No one envisioned marriage as a rose garden, but all viewed its satisfactions as far outweighing the frustrations over the long haul. Most regarded frustrations, big and small, as an inevitable aspect of life that would follow them no matter whom they married. Everyone had occasional fantasies about the roads not taken, but their commitment to the marriage withstood the impulse to break out.

Above all, they shared the view that their partner was special in some important regard and that the marriage enhanced each of them as individuals. They felt that the fit between their own needs and their partners responses was unique and probably irreplaceable. In this they considered themselves very lucky, not entitled.

Their marriages had benefited from the new emphasis in our society on equality in relationships between men and women. However they divided up the chores of the household and of raising the children, the couples agreed that men and women had equal rights and responsibilities within the family. Women have taken many casualties in the long fight to achieve equality, and many good men have felt beleaguered, confused, and angry about this contest. But important goals have been achieved: marriages today allow for greater flexibility and greater choice. Relationships are more mature on both sides and more mutually respectful. A couple’s sex life can be freer and more pleasurable. Today’s men and women meet on a playing field that is more level than ever before.