13 Ways to Deal with a Stubborn Spouse (Productively)

Key Takeaways:

• Stay calm and composed
• Choose the right moments
• Show love and empathy
• Practice active listening
• Know when to stand firm

How to Deal With a Stubborn Partner

Relationships aren't all romance and roses. Sometimes, stubbornness can get in the way of understanding, and let's face it, dealing with a stubborn spouse can feel like walking on eggshells. Yet, it doesn't have to be an unending struggle. Navigating their rigid nature with patience and the right strategies can make all the difference.

Imagine this: You're desperate to share your perspective, but your partner digs their heels in, unwilling to budge. Sound familiar? You aren't alone. “Stubbornness often stems from a deep-seated need to feel heard and respected,” says Dr. John Gottman, a relationship researcher known for his work on marital stability. Stubbornness isn't just about being difficult. Sometimes, it's a form of self-protection.

So, how do we tackle it? Let's get into 13 proven ways that help defuse tension, create connection, and turn those difficult moments into opportunities for growth.

13 ways to deal with stubborn people in relationships

Living with or loving someone who seems unyielding can leave you feeling frustrated and powerless. But, here's the thing: stubborn people aren't invincible. They're often acting out of a desire to protect themselves or feel validated. Tackling this head-on means adopting techniques that foster understanding and compromise while still preserving your own voice.

Let's break down these strategies and get to the core of dealing with stubbornness effectively and lovingly.

1. Calm your emotions first

We all know how hard it is to keep cool when your partner is refusing to budge. But one truth stands: if we approach a stubborn partner while fuming, we'll add fuel to the fire. Emotions are contagious, and if you're on edge, the chances are your spouse will mirror your energy.

Take a breath. Maybe even take a walk. Let your mind clear. “Self-regulation is crucial in conflict resolution,” says psychologist Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Giving yourself that space allows you to respond thoughtfully, not react impulsively.

It's not about suppressing your emotions but controlling the moment to handle things with grace. When calm, you set the stage for a more constructive conversation.

2. Pick the perfect moment

Timing isn't just for comedians; it matters in relationships too. Addressing issues when your partner is stressed, tired, or distracted is setting yourself up for failure. Think about this: would you want to talk about something serious after a long, draining day? Of course not.

Instead, choose a time when both of you are relaxed and open to dialogue. Suggest it lovingly. You could say, “I'd really like to chat about something important to me. Can we do it when we both feel good?” This approach feels collaborative rather than confrontational.

3. Keep showing affection

It's tempting to withhold love and affection when your partner is being difficult. But doing so often exacerbates the tension. Stubborn people aren't immune to affection, even if they act like it. In fact, small, loving gestures can soften even the most rigid of attitudes.

Give hugs, hold hands, or even send a thoughtful text. It doesn't mean you're okay with everything they're doing, but it shows you still care about the relationship. This can be a powerful way to break down walls and remind them that, despite disagreements, your bond matters.

4. Offer genuine compliments

Here's a trick you might not have tried: genuinely compliment your spouse, especially during a disagreement. Compliments can seem like the last thing on your mind, but expressing admiration for their strengths can catch them off guard in a positive way. No, this isn't manipulation—it's about appreciation.

Maybe your partner is resilient or fiercely loyal. Highlighting these traits can make them feel seen and respected, often softening their stance. Stubbornness often has roots in a perceived lack of respect or acknowledgment. By validating their positive qualities, you disarm defensiveness.

Try saying, “I admire how strong-willed you are because it makes you a great leader, but can we talk about finding a middle ground here?” You'd be surprised how this changes the dynamics of your discussion.

5. Understand their perspective

Stepping into your partner's shoes can transform how you approach stubbornness. Yes, it's frustrating to feel unheard, but consider why your spouse might be standing firm. Are they feeling insecure, undervalued, or unheard? There's often more beneath the surface than just resistance.

Understanding doesn't mean agreeing. It means recognizing their emotions and motives. For instance, if they're adamant about a decision involving finances, it could stem from deep-seated fears about financial security. Understanding these fears helps you approach the conversation with empathy, not combativeness.

Psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “Being listened to is so close to being loved that most people cannot tell the difference.” When we truly listen to our partner's reasons for being stubborn, we show them respect and love, which can soften their stance.

6. Learn to compromise gracefully

Compromise isn't about winning or losing. It's about finding solutions where both partners feel heard and respected. Sure, it's not always easy, especially when both of you feel strongly about an issue. But meeting halfway creates balance in the relationship.

Imagine you both want different things for a vacation. Instead of sticking to your choice, try creating a hybrid plan that includes activities you both enjoy. This willingness to find common ground communicates that your relationship matters more than the argument. It requires swallowing a bit of pride, but the payoff in harmony is worth it.

Remember, a healthy relationship isn't about one person getting their way. It's about teamwork. Relationships flourish when both partners see themselves as partners, not opponents.

7. Practice active listening

We hear this phrase a lot, but active listening is a game-changer. It means fully engaging in the conversation without planning your rebuttal. Trust me, it shows. And your partner will feel the difference. To practice active listening, nod, make eye contact, and offer affirmations like “I see” or “I get what you're saying.”

Then, paraphrase back what you heard. For example, “So, you're feeling anxious about our decision because you think it might affect our future stability?” Doing this shows you're not just passively hearing words but truly absorbing their message. Plus, it creates a safe space for deeper understanding.

It can be hard to stay quiet and listen when you're itching to make your point, but sometimes, understanding comes from observing and reflecting, not just speaking.

8. Avoid pointing out their mistakes

Think about how you feel when someone tells you you're wrong. Defensive? Embarrassed? Exactly. Pointing out your partner's mistakes, especially in the heat of the moment, only builds a wall of resistance. Instead, frame conversations around your feelings and needs.

Instead of saying, “You always make bad decisions,” try, “I feel worried about the choices we're making, and I'd love for us to discuss them more.” This way, you're expressing your concerns without putting them on the defensive.

Redirecting criticism toward collaborative problem-solving helps maintain respect and communication. You aren't ignoring issues—you're addressing them in a way that promotes connection rather than conflict.

9. Stand firm when necessary

While compromise and empathy are vital, there are times when you need to stand your ground. If an issue strikes at your core values or well-being, it's okay to say, “This matters deeply to me, and I can't let it go.” Being firm isn't about being aggressive. It's about calmly but confidently expressing what you can't compromise on.

Think about boundaries. If your partner's stubbornness is crossing into harmful territory—whether it's related to finances, parenting, or even your personal space—you have the right to hold your ground. Clear boundaries show self-respect and teach your partner to respect you too.

It's a tricky balance: staying open to dialogue while not letting go of things that are fundamental to your happiness or safety. The key is being resolute yet respectful, ensuring you aren't diminishing your partner while defending your stance.

10. Be selective with conflicts

Let's face it: not every hill is worth dying on. Constantly clashing with your spouse over every little thing only drains the relationship. Pick your battles wisely. Sometimes, it's better to let minor disagreements slide rather than turning every issue into a showdown.

Ask yourself: “Will this matter in a week? A month? A year?” If the answer is no, it's probably not worth a full-blown argument. Save your energy for the issues that have a meaningful impact on your life together.

Being selective also demonstrates maturity. It shows that you're not just arguing for the sake of it but that you value the relationship enough to prioritize the important matters. This strategy can often inspire your partner to do the same, reducing overall tension.

11. Emphasize the importance of your views

When discussing something critical, make sure your partner understands just how important it is to you. Sometimes, they're unaware of how much a specific issue impacts you. Clearly stating, “This really means a lot to me” can make a difference.

People are often stubborn because they feel unheard or overlooked. By emphasizing the significance of your feelings, you invite them to see things from your perspective. Use “I” statements to keep the focus on your emotions. For example, “I feel really anxious when we don't talk about our future plans,” instead of, “You never care about our future.”

Making your feelings known isn't about guilt-tripping; it's about transparency. This way, your partner gets a glimpse into your world, which can be eye-opening and potentially shift their viewpoint.

12. Value their stubborn strengths

Believe it or not, stubbornness has its strengths. Stubborn people are often resilient, determined, and principled. Instead of always seeing it as a negative trait, appreciate the positive side of your partner's stubbornness. Maybe it's what makes them a great advocate for your family or a committed, loyal partner.

Highlighting and valuing these strengths can foster mutual respect. Tell your partner you admire their unwavering dedication, especially when it's for something beneficial. This acknowledgment can turn what feels like an obstacle into a shared strength.

Relationships are about celebrating the whole person, flaws and all. By appreciating their stubborn streak, you may even find yourself less irritated by it over time.

FAQs

Stubbornness in relationships raises many questions, and it's normal to wonder about the impact and possible solutions. Let's tackle some common concerns together.

Can a stubborn partner change?

Yes, change is possible—but only if they truly want to. No one changes overnight, and attempting to force someone to change will often backfire. Growth, especially with something as ingrained as stubbornness, is a journey.

Encouraging change requires patience. You can inspire your partner by modeling flexible and compassionate behavior yourself. They may eventually recognize the benefits of adapting and evolving. Even though it may feel hopeless at times, small, incremental shifts are more likely to stick than dramatic, forced changes.

Remember, you can't control their transformation. Focus on what you can do: create a loving environment that fosters understanding and open communication.

Why is my partner so stubborn?

Stubbornness can stem from a variety of sources. Often, it's a defense mechanism. People might dig in their heels when they feel insecure, unappreciated, or fearful of being hurt. For others, it may come from upbringing. If they grew up in an environment where they had to fight for their voice, being stubborn could feel like self-preservation.

Past experiences shape present behaviors. For instance, if someone experienced instability in their childhood, they might have developed stubbornness as a way to seek control.

Understanding these roots can help you feel more empathetic. It doesn't excuse harmful behavior, but it does give you a lens through which to view your partner's rigidity. And that perspective can make your approach more compassionate and thoughtful.

What if stubbornness harms the relationship?

If stubbornness is causing significant problems, like repeated arguments or feelings of disconnect, then addressing it becomes crucial. Ignoring it only lets the resentment fester. Open and honest communication about how their behavior is impacting you and the relationship is vital.

Seek solutions together. Sometimes, couples therapy can work wonders, especially if the stubbornness is tied to deep-seated issues. A trained professional can help both partners navigate these patterns and find healthier ways to communicate.

Don't let things spiral into a toxic dynamic. It's okay to set boundaries if the stubbornness is harmful. A relationship should be a place of mutual growth, not a battlefield.

Taming stubbornness with love

Love can be transformative, even for the most hard-headed individuals. Taming stubbornness doesn't mean changing your partner; it's about meeting them with compassion, patience, and a willingness to understand. At the end of the day, love is what binds us, even in our most frustrating moments.

Remember, your partner's stubbornness doesn't define your relationship. It's one part of a much larger picture, filled with shared memories, moments of laughter, and a bond that made you both choose each other. Approach them with the love and kindness that your connection deserves, and you might just find that the walls start to come down.

Recommended Resources

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman – A guide filled with research-based insights for improving relationships.
• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson – Explores emotional connection and attachment theory for couples seeking deeper intimacy.
• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg – Teaches compassionate communication strategies for resolving conflicts.