10 Ways to Enjoy Sex in Your Marriage

Key Takeaways:

• Emotional intimacy boosts sexual connection
• Feeling confident in your body is vital
• Seek help from a sex therapist if needed
• Resolve conflicts before entering the bedroom
• Quality time enhances overall intimacy

When we talk about sex in marriage, the initial thoughts often center on romantic ideals. We imagine spontaneous passion and fiery intimacy that never fades. Yet, the reality for many married couples is far more complex. Over time, responsibilities, emotional baggage, and even stressors like financial strains can cause a strain in the bedroom. But here's the good news: you're not alone, and your struggles are entirely valid.

Sexual desire is deeply psychological. According to Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are, “Context matters more than we realize.” This means your environment, mental state, and emotional connection all impact your experience. That's where our journey begins. Together, let's explore ways to make sex enjoyable again in your marriage, reconnect emotionally and physically, and keep that intimacy thriving.

The reality is different

When you first fell in love, you probably couldn't keep your hands off each other. The spark, the excitement, and the passion felt effortless. But as the years roll by, life inevitably gets in the way. Jobs, kids, house chores, and those never-ending to-do lists. Sound familiar?

For many married couples, sex doesn't always feel as thrilling as it once did. It's easy to feel guilty or even wonder if there's something wrong with your relationship. Spoiler alert: there isn't. According to Esther Perel, renowned psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity, “Eroticism thrives in the distance and in the unknown.” Yet, marriage, for all its beauty, revolves around familiarity and predictability.

The reality? It's okay if you're not always feeling it. It's normal if your desire ebbs and flows. Marriage and long-term relationships require a new way of approaching intimacy, one that accepts the changing seasons of desire and actively works to rekindle the flame.

How to enjoy sex as a married couple?

First off, let's talk about what enjoying sex really means in the context of marriage. It's not just about those explosive moments or chasing a Hollywood version of passion. Instead, it's about feeling deeply connected to your partner and being present in those intimate moments.

Think of it this way: sex in a long-term relationship involves more than just physical pleasure. It's about feeling safe, understood, and cared for. This doesn't mean there won't be challenges. But it does mean that with some effort, you can find ways to enjoy each other again and again.

Couples who report higher sexual satisfaction often emphasize that their connection grows through open communication and a willingness to explore. And yes, that includes the awkward conversations about what you like, dislike, and even fears around intimacy.

5 characteristics of a healthy sexual relationship

Wondering what a healthy sexual relationship looks like? It's more than just chemistry. It's about mutual respect, understanding, and growth. Here are five defining characteristics:

1. Openness to Communication: Couples who openly talk about their needs, desires, and boundaries usually find themselves more satisfied. Communication breaks down barriers and creates a safe space for exploration.

2. Mutual Respect: Healthy sexual relationships rely on both partners feeling respected. You don't have to agree on everything, but feeling heard and valued matters.

3. Emotional and Physical Safety: Trust is a must. Feeling emotionally safe allows partners to be vulnerable, and feeling physically safe ensures consent and comfort.

4. Fun and Playfulness: Intimacy should be enjoyable, not another chore on your list. Introducing humor or playful moments can relieve pressure and make experiences more memorable.

5. Adaptability: Bodies change, desires evolve, and life throws curveballs. A healthy sexual relationship is flexible and willing to adapt to these changes, always with a shared understanding.

How to enjoy sex in your marriage: 10 ways

Let's get real—sex in a long-term relationship needs nurturing. You might think the spontaneity of the early days is gone forever, but that's not entirely true. Rekindling intimacy involves emotional and physical effort. Ready to explore ten ways to enjoy sex in your marriage again?

1. Start with working on your emotional intimacy

It's hard to be physically vulnerable when you feel emotionally distant. Take time to connect outside of the bedroom. Have those deep conversations. Share your fears, your hopes, and even your mundane stories. Emotional closeness translates to physical closeness. A study from the Journal of Sex Research found that couples who feel emotionally secure are more likely to enjoy fulfilling sex lives.

Don't underestimate small acts of affection. A simple hug or holding hands can open the door to deeper intimacy. Try creating rituals, like weekly check-ins, to talk about feelings without distractions. The stronger the emotional foundation, the easier it becomes to be open physically.

2. Work on your sexual intimacy

Now, let's talk about sexual intimacy. A satisfying sex life often requires effort and exploration. It's easy to fall into routines, but breaking out of them can reignite passion. Discuss fantasies, experiment with new ideas, or even set a date night specifically dedicated to being together. Keep things exciting!

Sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman says, “Explore each other's pleasure, not just your own.” Focus on mutual enjoyment and be willing to learn what brings your partner joy. Remember, a fulfilling sexual connection grows with time and effort, and it can become something deeper and even more rewarding than in the early days.

Be patient with each other. Everyone has different comfort levels, and the journey toward better sexual intimacy should be a shared adventure, not a race.

3. Feel confident and at ease in your body

Confidence in your body doesn't come overnight. But here's the truth: feeling comfortable in your skin is a game-changer for intimacy. We all have insecurities. Whether it's about weight, stretch marks, or aging, these worries can dampen our desire. How do we tackle this?

Focus on self-acceptance. Practice daily affirmations or engage in activities that make you feel strong and healthy. Dance around the house, take yoga classes, or simply dress in a way that makes you feel sexy. When you're confident, your partner feels that energy too.

Embrace the imperfections. Your partner likely loves you for who you are, not for an idealized version of you. Remember, confidence isn't about perfection; it's about self-love.

4. Don't know how to begin? Visit a sex therapist

Still struggling? You're not alone, and seeking professional help can make a massive difference. Sex therapy isn't just for couples in crisis; it's for anyone who wants to improve their sexual well-being. A therapist can guide you through issues of desire, communication, or trauma.

Feeling hesitant? That's normal. But think of it this way: you'd see a physical therapist for a sports injury, so why not see a specialist for your most intimate relationship? Investing in your sexual health is just as important.

5. For great sex, don't carry anger into the bedroom

Ever tried being intimate while angry? It usually doesn't go well. Unresolved conflict poisons passion. If you've had a fight, work through it before heading to bed. Even small resentments can pile up, turning into intimacy barriers.

Practice healthy conflict resolution. Take a moment to cool down, listen actively, and express your feelings without blame. When you leave your baggage at the door, you're creating a space where intimacy can thrive. Don't underestimate the power of forgiveness and letting go.

6. Change the way you initiate sex

Is your initiation routine predictable? If so, it's time to shake things up. Many couples fall into patterns that turn sex into a scheduled activity rather than a spontaneous adventure. Change it up. Be playful or flirt throughout the day with subtle touches or suggestive texts.

Initiate in unexpected ways. Surprise your partner by taking the lead or setting up a romantic atmosphere. When you break out of the ordinary, it adds a sense of excitement. Don't fear rejection; focus on making the experience fun and light-hearted.

7. Indulge in other forms of physical intimacy

Intimacy goes beyond intercourse. Cuddling, kissing, holding hands, or even giving each other a massage are forms of physical connection that shouldn't be overlooked. These moments foster closeness and are often a gateway to more passionate experiences.

Experiment with non-sexual touch. Sit close on the couch, hug more often, or share a warm bath together. Touch creates a sense of security and can reignite the spark in ways you might not expect.

8. Quality time is key

Sexual satisfaction often ties back to the time you spend together outside of the bedroom. Life can get busy, and carving out quality time can feel impossible. But it's essential. Go on dates, take walks, or spend an evening cooking together. Being intentional about your time helps you connect on a deeper level.

Put the phones away and give each other undivided attention. Even ten minutes of genuine connection can make a difference. Quality time isn't about grand gestures; it's about showing up for each other consistently. This builds trust and intimacy, setting the stage for a healthier sex life.

9. Indulge in other types of sex

Let's get creative! Sexual intimacy doesn't have to follow a rigid pattern. Exploring different types of sex, like oral, sensual massages, or simply trying new positions, can reignite your passion. Variety spices things up and keeps both partners engaged and excited.

Open communication is key here. Discuss what you're curious about, set boundaries, and approach new experiences with an open mind. Maybe you've both fantasized about something but never voiced it. Make it fun! Plan an adventure together, and remember, laughter can be a powerful aphrodisiac.

Remember, the goal isn't to pressure each other but to enjoy the journey of discovery. Be respectful and always ensure both partners are comfortable and enthusiastic about trying something new.

10. Make sex a priority

We prioritize what matters most. If sex isn't on the list, it often falls by the wayside. But scheduling intimacy doesn't have to be unromantic. In fact, it shows that you value your connection. Mark it on your calendar, but keep it flexible and fun.

Consider creating a sensual routine. Maybe it's lighting candles on Friday nights or setting up a “no screens” bedroom policy. These small steps reinforce the importance of intimacy. Making time for each other in a hectic world sends a powerful message: our relationship matters.

Life will always be busy. Prioritizing sex isn't about frequency but about consistently investing in your connection. When it matters to you, it becomes something to look forward to, a shared moment of joy and closeness.

How to keep intimacy alive in your marriage

Physical intimacy flourishes when emotional closeness is nurtured. Keeping the spark alive isn't a one-time effort but a continual practice. Ready to explore some practical tips to keep that flame burning?

1. Prioritize alone/quality time

Alone time isn't a luxury; it's a necessity. Think about the early days of your relationship. You spent quality time getting to know each other, free from distractions. Recreating this isn't always easy, but it's crucial.

Plan a weekend getaway, even if it's just a staycation. Or simply set aside an evening every week for a date night. The key is to make this time non-negotiable. No interruptions, no multitasking. Just the two of you, reconnecting and enjoying each other's company.

2. Keep the noise away

Our modern lives are noisy. The constant buzz of phones, social media, and work demands can drown out the quiet intimacy we need. Setting boundaries can help. Establish tech-free zones in your home, or set an hour before bed to unplug and be present.

Noise isn't just literal. Mental noise, like stress and worry, can intrude on your connection. Practice mindfulness techniques together, such as deep breathing or guided meditation. Creating a peaceful environment—both physically and mentally—allows space for intimacy to flourish.

Imagine the relief of having a moment that's just yours, free from distractions. It's in these quiet, shared moments that intimacy deepens.

3. Be there for them

Life is full of ups and downs, and being there for your partner during tough times is vital for intimacy. It's not just about grand gestures but showing up daily in small but meaningful ways. Maybe it's making them coffee in the morning or listening without distraction when they've had a hard day.

Support creates a safety net in your relationship, and this security directly impacts your physical connection. Knowing someone has your back deepens trust and allows vulnerability, which is essential for a healthy sex life. Be present. Be attentive. Sometimes, the most intimate thing you can do is simply show up.

4. Be mundane together

Mundane moments often get a bad reputation. But sharing the ordinary—like folding laundry together or doing the weekly grocery run—builds a sense of partnership. Embrace these seemingly unremarkable tasks as opportunities to bond.

Laugh while you cook dinner or talk about your day while tidying up. These daily interactions create a foundation of companionship. Over time, they make your relationship feel solid and stable, which, surprisingly, can add an element of excitement when it comes to intimacy.

Plus, when you're comfortable in the mundane, those extraordinary moments feel even more special.

5. Have adventures together

Adventure doesn't always mean skydiving or traveling to a foreign country. It's about breaking routine and experiencing new things together. Go on a spontaneous road trip, take a dance class, or try a new cuisine. These shared adventures invigorate your bond and add a sense of novelty.

Why is this important for your sex life? Because trying new things releases dopamine, the feel-good neurotransmitter linked to excitement and pleasure. By creating these moments, you're bringing that exhilarating energy back into your relationship, which often carries over into the bedroom.

Never stop exploring each other and the world around you. Keep things fresh and fun, and intimacy will naturally follow.

More questions on how to enjoy sex in marriage

Sometimes, even with the best intentions, questions still linger. Here's a common one many couples ask:

How often should married people have sex?

There's no one-size-fits-all answer. Frequency varies depending on the couple and their unique circumstances. Some might feel content with once a week, while others prefer more or less. What matters most is that both partners feel satisfied and connected.

Studies suggest that couples who have sex once a week report higher levels of happiness, but quality always trumps quantity. If you're not sure where you stand, have an open discussion with your partner about what feels right for both of you. Align your expectations and adjust as life changes.

Remember, there's no right or wrong number. It's about finding a rhythm that makes your relationship feel joyful and fulfilling.

How often is sex good in marriage?

Again, the answer isn't simple. How often sex is “good” depends on you and your partner's desires and needs. Frequency doesn't always correlate with satisfaction. For some couples, a few times a month feels perfect; for others, several times a week is their norm. The focus should be on mutual pleasure, not meeting a societal benchmark.

Sexual satisfaction often comes from the quality of your encounters rather than the quantity. Are you both feeling connected? Do you leave these moments feeling closer and more appreciated? If so, you're probably in a good place.

It's worth mentioning that mismatched libidos are common. Addressing differences openly and finding compromises can strengthen your intimacy. Sometimes, non-sexual affection, like cuddling or kissing, can also fulfill emotional needs when one partner isn't in the mood.

Ultimately, sex should be a source of joy and connection, not stress or obligation. Check in regularly with each other and be open to adjusting as your needs evolve over time.

Recommended Resources

If you're interested in learning more or seeking further guidance, here are some insightful resources:

• Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski – A must-read on understanding female sexuality and how context affects desire.
• Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel – Explores the challenges of keeping passion alive in long-term relationships.
• The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman – Learn how different expressions of love can impact your relationship, including your sex life.