10 Things To Do When Your Spouse Doesn't Put You First

Key Takeaways:

• Identify your spouse's priorities
• Understand the root causes of neglect
• Communicate your feelings openly
• Prioritize your emotional well-being
• Seek professional counseling when needed

We've all had those gut-wrenching moments in marriage where we feel sidelined, like a secondary character in our own love story. When your spouse doesn't put you first, it can feel suffocating and bewildering. You might find yourself questioning your worth in the relationship, feeling a sting every time work, friends, or even in-laws seem to claim more of your partner's attention than you do.

Psychologically, feeling neglected by a partner taps into our attachment needs. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, “We are hardwired for connection.” When our bond with a spouse feels under threat, our brain signals that as danger. The impact is emotional turmoil, insecurity, and sometimes a desperate need to know: Why am I not a priority?

So, how do we address this emotional and psychological chaos while aiming to strengthen the marriage? Let's walk through what could be causing your spouse's behavior and the signs that you might be right about not being their first priority.

Why does your spouse not put you first?

When your spouse doesn't put you first, it's easy to assume that love has lost its way or that commitment has dwindled. But relationships are often far more complex than that. Sometimes, it's not about love or loyalty but a tangled web of priorities, past wounds, or even deeply rooted psychological patterns. Let's explore what might be going on beneath the surface.

1. Different priorities

Everyone has their own set of priorities, and sometimes those don't align perfectly in a marriage. Your partner may prioritize work, social engagements, or personal hobbies, believing they're securing a future for both of you or finding fulfillment. But to you, it feels like abandonment. It's not always about intention but perception. In psychology, Maslow's hierarchy of needs explains that people often act based on what they feel they must fulfill at the moment, whether it's self-actualization or basic security. So if your spouse appears distant, they may be prioritizing what they think matters most to both of you.

Yet, that doesn't make it hurt any less, does it?

It's crucial to communicate these differences in priorities before they grow into wedges between you. Your needs matter as much as theirs, and understanding why they act the way they do is the first step in bridging that gap.

2. Past experiences

Sometimes, the past sneaks into our present. Trauma, past relationships, or even their upbringing can influence how your spouse handles emotional priorities today. For instance, if they grew up in a home where emotional needs were often neglected or relationships modeled detachment, they might struggle with making you feel important.

Renowned trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk says, “The body keeps the score,” emphasizing how past emotional wounds can linger and dictate behaviors. Your spouse may not even realize their actions stem from unresolved issues. It's not an excuse, but it is a possible explanation, one that sheds light on the importance of self-awareness and healing. Recognizing this together can make a significant difference in your journey forward.

3. Lack of communication

Oh, the silent killer of many a relationship—poor communication! We often think our partner knows what we need, that they should understand our pain without us having to say a word. But that's rarely the case.

Sometimes, your spouse may genuinely not realize how neglected you feel because you haven't communicated it effectively. Or, perhaps when you did try to bring it up, the conversation spiraled into a heated argument, leaving both of you feeling misunderstood. Communication breakdowns can become repetitive cycles, eroding trust and understanding over time. Using techniques like active listening and “I” statements (e.g., “I feel hurt when...”) can change the dynamic dramatically, encouraging a safer, more understanding conversation space.

4. Personal issues

Personal struggles like stress, anxiety, or even self-esteem issues can make your spouse seem distant or preoccupied. We all carry our own battles, and sometimes those battles consume us. Your partner might be so caught up in their whirlwind of worries—career setbacks, health issues, or feeling unfulfilled—that they unintentionally neglect your needs.

Ever heard of the phrase, “You can't pour from an empty cup”? If your spouse is battling personal demons, they may have little emotional bandwidth left to support you. While this doesn't make their neglect okay, understanding this can help you approach the issue with more empathy. After all, no relationship thrives without both partners feeling emotionally nourished.

When your spouse's issues become a barrier, it's essential to address them gently but firmly. Sometimes, just acknowledging that your partner has personal struggles can lead to productive conversations or even the decision to seek help together.

5. External pressures

We live in a world full of pressures. Work deadlines, demanding relatives, financial burdens, and even social expectations all exert influence on your relationship. Sometimes, your spouse's inability to put you first isn't a conscious choice but a reaction to these overwhelming external demands.

Picture this: your partner comes home from work, exhausted and irritable, and can't seem to muster the energy to engage with you emotionally. Or maybe they're constantly fielding calls from their family, trying to mediate disputes or fulfill obligations. These external pressures act like uninvited guests, intruding on your marriage and stealing precious moments that should belong to you.

According to marriage counselor Dr. John Gottman, external stressors are among the most common factors that weaken a couple's connection. But here's the thing: while external pressures are real and often unavoidable, how your spouse manages them can make or break your relationship. Learning to shield your marriage from these intrusions—perhaps through boundaries or shared problem-solving—can bring a much-needed sense of unity.

5 signs that your spouse doesn't prioritize you

Wondering whether your feelings of being sidelined are valid? Sometimes, the signs are subtle, while other times, they're glaringly obvious. Let's break down some telltale indicators that your spouse may not be prioritizing you as they should.

1. When they are always working

Does your partner's job feel like a third member of your marriage? Constantly checking emails at the dinner table, skipping family outings for late meetings, or coming home too exhausted to talk are all signs that work might be overshadowing your relationship.

Work culture has increasingly glorified busyness, making it easy for someone to justify relentless career focus. But if work consistently trumps quality time with you, the emotional impact can be devastating. It's not just about missed date nights but the gradual erosion of connection. Sure, work is important, and financial stability matters, but if career ambitions come at the cost of your relationship, a serious conversation is needed.

Addressing this issue doesn't mean asking your spouse to quit their job, but rather, working together to establish boundaries that keep work from invading every aspect of your life.

2. They don't make time for you

Time is one of the most precious gifts we can give to our partner. If your spouse rarely carves out time for you—whether for a date night, meaningful conversation, or even just a lazy evening together—it sends a clear message: you're not a priority. Maybe they're “too busy” with personal projects, or their schedule always seems to fill up with everyone else's needs.

Being ignored or pushed aside in this way stings. And while life does get hectic, a pattern of not making time for each other can erode the foundation of your relationship. Even fifteen minutes of undivided attention daily can be transformative. If this isn't happening, it's worth exploring why.

3. They're always disappointing you

Plans fall through. Promises get broken. If disappointment has become the soundtrack of your marriage, there's an issue that needs to be addressed. Your spouse might be frequently saying things like, “I'll definitely be there,” only to cancel at the last minute or forget entirely. It chips away at your trust and sense of security.

Dr. Harriet Lerner, a psychologist and author of The Dance of Anger, notes that disappointment can become a breeding ground for resentment. “Unacknowledged disappointment can lead to emotional distance,” she explains. The more your spouse lets you down, the less safe and supported you feel in the relationship. It's not just about a missed dinner reservation; it's about feeling unimportant.

4. They never make plans

Ever feel like you're the one who always has to come up with ideas for outings, date nights, or even weekend chores? When your spouse doesn't take initiative to make plans, it creates an imbalance in the relationship. It's exhausting to be the only one putting in the effort to keep things lively and engaging.

Relationships thrive on shared experiences. If your partner seems indifferent or disinterested in creating those experiences, it can make you feel like you're dragging them along, instead of walking side by side. Sometimes, the lack of planning stems from complacency or taking the relationship for granted. Either way, it's a conversation that needs to happen.

5. They put certain people above you

It's normal for a spouse to have close friendships and family connections. But when those people consistently take precedence over you, it's a red flag. Maybe they drop everything to help a friend but can't be bothered to show up when you need support. Or perhaps they're always prioritizing their parents' wishes over your shared decisions.

This behavior can feel particularly painful. You may start to wonder where you rank in your spouse's life. Relationships are about compromise, yes, but they're also about prioritizing your partner's well-being. If your spouse regularly elevates others above you, it can damage your self-worth and the balance of your marriage.

10 ways to respond when your spouse doesn't put you first

Feeling neglected can make you feel powerless, but there are ways to regain control and improve the relationship. These methods aren't quick fixes, but they're practical steps toward finding balance and nurturing respect in your marriage.

1. Express your feelings

Keeping your feelings bottled up rarely helps. If your spouse isn't putting you first, it's crucial to express how that makes you feel. But how you do it matters. Avoid blaming or accusing, as that often puts the other person on the defensive. Instead, use “I” statements.

For example, say, “I feel hurt and overlooked when you don't make time for us,” rather than, “You never care about me.” This way, you're focusing on your emotions without assigning guilt. Being open and honest is the first step toward healing and understanding. Remember, vulnerability can foster deeper connection if approached constructively.

2. Set clear expectations

Communication can only go so far without clear boundaries and expectations. Let your spouse know what you need to feel prioritized. Do you need weekly date nights, more involvement in family decisions, or even something as simple as daily check-ins? Spell it out.

Expectations help create a framework for the relationship. Sometimes, our partners genuinely don't know what we need unless we explicitly say so. Establishing mutual agreements on how you'll both show up for each other can bring clarity and reduce misunderstandings.

3. Practice self-care

When your partner isn't giving you the love and attention you crave, it's easy to neglect your own needs. But self-care isn't just a buzzword; it's essential. Take time to nurture yourself—emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Go for a walk, join a class, reconnect with hobbies you love, or spend time with friends who uplift you. Self-care helps you regain a sense of autonomy and fulfillment that doesn't depend entirely on your spouse. It also sends a powerful message: you're worthy of care and attention, even if it has to start with you.

4. Focus on quality time

When you do get time together, make it count. This doesn't mean planning extravagant dates every weekend. Sometimes, it's the small moments that strengthen your bond—like cooking dinner together, sharing a morning coffee, or having an uninterrupted conversation about your day.

Quality time is about presence, not just proximity. Turn off the distractions, put your phones away, and make the effort to be fully there with each other. Investing in meaningful moments can gradually reignite the intimacy and connection that's been missing.

5. Be understanding

Empathy goes a long way. Try to understand the pressures and struggles your spouse may be facing. Perhaps they're overwhelmed by work or stressed about family obligations. This doesn't excuse their behavior, but it may explain it.

Being understanding doesn't mean accepting neglect forever. It means acknowledging your spouse's humanity while also advocating for your own needs. Relationships are about give and take, and a little empathy can sometimes pave the way for deeper conversations and change.

6. Seek support

Sometimes, the weight of feeling neglected becomes too heavy to carry alone. Seeking support from friends, family, or even a counselor can make a difference. A trusted friend can offer a listening ear, while a therapist can provide tools to navigate your emotions and improve communication.

Couples counseling might feel daunting, but it can be incredibly effective. According to research from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, 93% of clients report that counseling gave them more effective tools for dealing with their issues. Don't underestimate the power of professional guidance in steering your relationship in a healthier direction.

7. Avoid harboring resentment

Resentment can poison a relationship from the inside out. It festers quietly, growing with every unmet need and unspoken hurt. If you're feeling bitter or resentful because your spouse isn't putting you first, take a moment to acknowledge those feelings.

Then, find a way to let them go. This doesn't mean pretending everything is okay. It means choosing to address your pain rather than letting it harden into resentment. Journaling, meditating, or having a heartfelt conversation can help release pent-up emotions. Remember, holding onto bitterness often punishes you more than your partner.

8. Foster open communication

We talk about communication a lot for a reason: it's the bedrock of a healthy relationship. Open and honest conversations don't happen overnight, though. They require practice, patience, and vulnerability.

Start by asking your partner how they feel, and truly listen. Then, share your thoughts. Be willing to have uncomfortable discussions without resorting to defensiveness or blame. Using “I feel” statements rather than accusations can keep things civil and productive. Over time, open communication can rebuild trust and deepen your connection.

9. Collaborate on a solution

It's not enough to point out problems; finding solutions together is key. Treat your relationship like a partnership, where both of you have a stake in creating a healthier, more balanced dynamic. Ask, “How can we work on this together?”

Brainstorm ideas as a team. Maybe it means setting aside a weekly date night, establishing work boundaries, or scheduling regular check-ins. The goal is to co-create a plan that makes both of you feel valued and heard. Working together fosters a sense of unity and shows you're both invested in making the relationship thrive.

10. Seek professional help

If you've tried everything and still feel stuck, it might be time to seek professional help. Therapy isn't a sign of failure; it's a sign of strength. A licensed therapist can help you both understand underlying issues and teach you strategies to communicate more effectively.

Sometimes, an impartial third party can illuminate patterns you've been too close to see. Whether it's individual counseling to work on your self-worth or couples therapy to strengthen your bond, professional guidance can be transformative. Remember, investing in your relationship shows a deep commitment to making things better.

FAQs

When it comes to feeling like you're not a priority in your marriage, questions often abound. Let's tackle some of the most common concerns to bring a bit of clarity.

Are you always supposed to put your spouse first?

Should your spouse always come first? It’s a question that stirs up many emotions and can leave us feeling torn. The short answer: not always, but often. The truth is, healthy relationships thrive on prioritization, but they also require balance.

Think about the airline safety instructions: “Put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.” This principle applies to marriage, too. If you’re constantly running on empty, how can you genuinely be there for your partner? Prioritizing your spouse shouldn’t come at the expense of your own well-being. Self-care allows you to be a stronger, more present partner. So yes, put your spouse first when possible, but make room to care for yourself, too.

In essence, it’s a dance. Sometimes, your partner needs to take center stage, and other times, you do. The aim is to ensure the dance remains harmonious, with both of you feeling supported and loved.

Who should be the first priority in a marriage?

The concept of “first priority” in marriage sparks many debates. Some argue that children should always come first, while others believe the marital relationship should take precedence. So, what’s the answer?

Marriage experts often emphasize that prioritizing your spouse forms the foundation of a stable, happy family. When your relationship with your spouse is strong, you model a healthy, loving partnership for your children. This doesn’t mean neglecting the kids or dismissing their needs; instead, it’s about creating a secure, unified team.

However, prioritization isn’t rigid. In times of crisis, like when a child is sick or a family emergency arises, your spouse may temporarily take a back seat. The goal is to return to prioritizing each other when the storm has passed. Keeping a flexible yet committed approach helps maintain the strength of your marriage over time.

Your spouse deserves to be put first

At the end of the day, your spouse should feel valued, cherished, and prioritized. Relationships are not just about surviving the daily grind; they’re about nurturing a deep, lasting connection. Making your spouse feel like they matter creates a loving environment where both of you can thrive.

Prioritizing your partner doesn’t require grand gestures (although a surprise weekend getaway never hurts!). More often, it’s about small, meaningful actions: choosing to listen when they need to vent, making sacrifices for their happiness, or simply showing up with love and kindness.

Marriage takes effort. It’s about deciding, day after day, to choose each other. That choice builds a relationship rooted in mutual respect and unwavering support. And isn’t that what we’re all striving for?

Recommended Resources

• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver
• The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Dr. Gary Chapman