Why Some Affairs Last (15 Reasons)

Key Takeaways:

• Long-term affairs impact everyone involved.
• Emotional factors drive prolonged infidelity.
• Healing requires time, therapy, and trust.
• Prevention starts with open communication.
• Affairs can fill unmet emotional needs.

Affairs that last over 10 years are not just passionate secrets—they're tangled emotional webs. Understanding why some affairs endure can help us grasp the motivations and complexities behind this behavior. The reasons can surprise you and even spark self-reflection. Whether you're trying to recover, prevent infidelity, or simply understand, let's walk through it all together. Stay with me because the truth is deeper than you think.

What is the meaning of long-term affairs?

Long-term affairs aren't casual flings that come and go in a whirlwind. Instead, they linger, sometimes for years or even decades. They're complicated relationships that often intertwine deeply with emotions, expectations, and even commitments. These affairs can become a parallel relationship, carrying secrets and unspoken agreements that both partners in the affair understand—sometimes better than the vows they took in their primary partnerships.

But why do people get stuck in this dynamic? Often, it's not about the excitement anymore but something more profound, like emotional attachment or even a sense of normalcy. People may end up juggling two lives, never fully invested in either yet unable to step away. In psychological terms, this could be described as an “avoidant attachment” or a fear of breaking a routine that, twisted as it may sound, provides comfort. We'll dive into these aspects as we go along.

What are the possible reasons for affairs?

Why do affairs happen in the first place? We need to acknowledge that it's rarely black and white. Affairs often sprout from unmet emotional or physical needs. They could be driven by pure thrill-seeking or a desperate escape from a cold, distant relationship. But more complex reasons exist, like self-esteem issues, unprocessed trauma, or simply a craving for validation.

Sometimes, people engage in affairs because they feel trapped in their current relationships. Other times, it's about proving something to themselves. Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist, has said, “Affairs are about desire: desire for connection, to feel alive, to recapture lost parts of ourselves.” These desires can be powerful, pulling someone into a double life that feels irreplaceable.

15 reasons why some affairs last for years

Let's break down the nitty-gritty of why some affairs go on for years, enduring changes, challenges, and even the ebb and flow of love. Sometimes, it's because both people feel stuck. Other times, the affair evolves into something meaningful or even vital for their emotional well-being.

We'll walk through each of these reasons, exploring why they hold such a magnetic grip over those involved. From love to addiction, to coping mechanisms, each reason unravels a different facet of this emotional enigma. Buckle up, because it's a complex ride.

1. When both people are unhappy in their current relationships

Unhappiness in a primary relationship creates fertile ground for affairs. When both individuals are dissatisfied—maybe they feel emotionally neglected or unsupported—the allure of an affair becomes a way to fill that gap. It's a refuge, a secret world where they feel seen and understood. We crave emotional connection, and when our partners can't give that to us, we might look elsewhere.

Unhappy relationships can lead to a sense of hopelessness, where leaving feels too daunting, but staying feels suffocating. So, the affair provides an escape. The emotional boost and validation from an affair partner can feel intoxicating. It's a cycle that can sustain the affair far longer than one would expect.

2. They don't believe in monogamy

Some people don't buy into monogamy, but they might not admit it openly, especially if they're married or in a committed relationship. They might see traditional commitment as outdated or restrictive. For these people, an affair feels natural, even if it's kept under wraps.

Belief systems around relationships vary. An individual who views relationships more fluidly might see an affair not as a betrayal but as a way of embracing their true desires. This mindset makes it easier for an affair to last years because, in their view, it's more honest than pretending to adhere to a monogamous standard. The societal expectations don't change their internal values, even if they keep up appearances.

3. Affairs can be addicting

The thrill of secrecy, the rush of forbidden love, and the dopamine hit from feeling wanted can create an addiction-like response. Affairs can stimulate the same brain pathways as other addictive behaviors. This makes the relationship hard to quit, even when the excitement starts to wane.

We know from psychology that anything rewarding—whether it's a drug, a gamble, or an affair—can create a feedback loop. The highs and lows of an affair mimic this cycle, with intense emotional peaks and gut-wrenching valleys. That roller coaster, paradoxically, keeps people hooked.

4. They really fall in love

Let's face it: sometimes, an affair isn't just a fling or an act of rebellion. Sometimes, people genuinely fall in love. When deep emotions come into play, the affair transforms into a real relationship, even if it's shrouded in lies and secrecy. It's not uncommon for affair partners to feel that they've found their soulmates.

However, love born out of an affair comes with its own baggage. It's not a clean slate but a layered emotional mess. And yet, the feeling of being “truly seen” can be so powerful that it feels worth holding onto. But here's the kicker: real love doesn't necessarily make the affair sustainable, especially when real-life responsibilities come into play.

5. Affairs act as a safe space

Affairs often become emotional sanctuaries. People involved may feel that their affair partner provides the comfort and understanding missing in their primary relationship. Think of it as a private, secret world where judgment doesn't exist, and both parties can be their truest selves—away from life's daily stressors.

In this protected space, vulnerability is allowed. There's a sense of refuge, even if it's fleeting and fragile. This safe haven can make the affair feel irreplaceable, a cocoon that shields them from harsh realities. Ending something that feels this emotionally secure isn't easy, especially when the alternative is returning to an unhappy or emotionally barren home.

6. Affairs give a sense of validation

Feeling seen, heard, and desired can be incredibly affirming. People might engage in long-term affairs simply because it boosts their self-esteem. When their primary partner overlooks or criticizes them, the affair partner becomes the person who appreciates them, who thinks they're attractive and valuable.

Imagine being told you're special over and over, especially when you've felt ignored or insignificant. That kind of validation is powerful. It fills a void, providing a steady supply of affirmations that can feel addictive. We all crave to be valued, and when it's absent in our primary relationship, the affirmation from an affair partner can feel life-changing.

7. Affairs can be a coping mechanism

Some people use affairs to cope with stress, trauma, or deep-seated emotional wounds. It's not the healthiest method, but it provides a distraction from pain or discomfort. This mechanism is similar to how others might turn to alcohol, workaholism, or unhealthy eating patterns.

Affairs, in this context, are about escaping rather than building a genuine connection. The affair becomes an emotional shield, a way to numb or deflect feelings they don't want to face. Sadly, the very thing they rely on for solace can end up causing more psychological distress. Still, the habit of escaping into an affair can be hard to break.

8. Lack of intimacy in the current relationship

When intimacy—whether emotional, physical, or both—fades from a relationship, the gap it leaves can be devastating. The connection you once had may now feel like a distant memory, and this void gnaws at the bond you're supposed to share. An affair can seem like a quick, albeit messy, solution.

Without intimacy, a relationship becomes transactional or roommate-like. People crave closeness, the touch of a lover's hand, or deep, soul-revealing conversations. When these aren't present, it's tempting to look outside for someone who can provide that spark. And sometimes, that spark becomes a blazing flame that's hard to put out.

9. They don't want to end the current relationship

Ending a long-term relationship or marriage isn't easy, even when it's unhappy. The idea of hurting your partner, disrupting your children's lives, or starting from scratch can be terrifying. So instead of leaving, some people opt for an affair, hoping to find happiness without upending their world.

They try to have it both ways: the stability of a committed relationship and the excitement of an affair. But living in this duality can lead to emotional exhaustion. Yet, they stay because the perceived cost of ending the current relationship seems too high. In their minds, the affair is a way to have a lifeline without causing destruction.

10. Their current relationship is built on a lie

Sometimes, people stay in relationships that began with dishonesty or a lack of genuine connection. Maybe the relationship was a rebound or was built on societal expectations. When the foundation of a relationship is shaky, it's easy to seek something more authentic outside of it.

The lie can feel suffocating, yet they may not know how to come clean or break free. The affair becomes a form of truth, a place where they feel more honest about who they are and what they want. Ironically, though, they're still living in deception. It's a tangled web, and the longer it goes on, the more complicated it gets.

11. Affairs fill a void

For some, an affair becomes a way to fill an emotional or psychological emptiness. This void could be the result of past trauma, childhood neglect, or current unfulfilled needs. The affair partner seems to understand or satisfy something deep within that's missing from their main relationship.

It's as if the affair partner completes them in a way their spouse or partner never could. This illusion of wholeness can become dangerously compelling. They cling to this newfound fulfillment, even if it means living a life split in two. Filling this void becomes a priority, even when the reality of the situation begins to show its cracks.

12. They are in an affair with a toxic person

Not all affairs are built on mutual respect and love. Sometimes, one partner is manipulative, controlling, or emotionally abusive. These toxic dynamics can make it incredibly difficult to walk away. People might feel trapped, entangled in a web of guilt, fear, or emotional dependency.

A toxic affair partner may use gaslighting or emotional blackmail to keep the relationship going. The person in the affair may even recognize the toxicity but feel powerless to leave. These relationships are full of highs and lows, making them emotionally draining but weirdly compelling. Leaving can feel as terrifying as staying, especially if they're entangled in a psychological hold.

13. Emotional escapism

We all look for ways to escape. Some people use movies or books, others take up hobbies or throw themselves into their work. For some, though, an affair becomes the ultimate escape—a way to live out a fantasy and forget their problems, even temporarily.

Emotional escapism through an affair might involve creating a dream-like reality with the affair partner. It's not just about sex or even love; it's about escaping the mundane or overwhelming stress of real life. However, reality always returns. The escapism can only last so long before the emotional cost becomes too high.

14. Fear of being alone

The fear of loneliness is real and powerful. The idea of facing life without a partner can drive people to make choices they wouldn't otherwise consider. Sometimes, they're more afraid of being alone than they are of getting caught. The affair becomes a way to ensure they're never truly on their own, even if it means living a double life.

It's a heartbreaking reason to keep an affair going, but it's all too common. The thought of ending both the affair and the primary relationship feels like stepping into a void of isolation. This fear keeps them tethered, even if they know deep down it's not sustainable.

15. Lack of closure

Closure is a powerful thing. Without it, people can feel haunted by what-ifs and unfinished business. An affair can last for years simply because one or both people feel like the relationship hasn't run its course. They can't end it because there's always something left unsaid or undone.

It's as though they're waiting for the perfect ending that will never come. The lack of closure can also lead to an endless cycle of breaking up and getting back together, making the affair feel unfinished and unresolved. This lingering sense of “incompleteness” can make moving on feel impossible.

Impact of long-term affairs on individuals, relationships, and families

Long-term affairs don't just affect the people directly involved. The ripple effects can devastate entire families, leaving emotional wounds that may never fully heal. The person engaged in the affair might experience severe guilt, anxiety, or even depression, especially as the web of lies grows more complex.

Primary partners often face betrayal trauma, which can be as painful as PTSD. Children can sense when something is wrong, even if they don't know the details. The breakdown of trust can change family dynamics forever, creating a lasting emotional toll.

Long-term affairs also affect self-worth and the perception of love and relationships. Recovering from the damage requires deep emotional work, and not everyone comes out unscathed. The impact can shape the future of every relationship involved, often for years to come.

How to end a long-term affair

Ending a long-term affair is rarely straightforward. There's emotional investment, perhaps even love, and often a deep-seated fear of what comes next. But breaking free is essential to finding peace and living authentically. To do so, it's important to start with clarity.

First, you need to accept that there's no “perfect” way to end things. Someone will get hurt, and difficult conversations will need to happen. However, dragging it out only deepens the pain for everyone involved. Honesty is crucial—though not necessarily brutal honesty. Communicate clearly with your affair partner about your decision, and be prepared to set firm boundaries.

Next comes accountability. If you've hurt your primary partner, the road to rebuilding trust will be long, but owning your actions is the first step. Avoid blaming or justifying your behavior; instead, focus on making amends and prioritizing their healing. Let's face it: this part is messy, but it's also the path to a fresh start.

5 ways to heal from a long-term affair

Healing after a long-term affair takes time and serious emotional effort. It's not just about moving on; it's about rediscovering who you are and how to build a healthier life. Here are five essential steps to guide your recovery:

1. Open and honest communication

One of the first steps in healing is talking openly—whether it's with your partner, a friend, or even yourself. If you're trying to salvage your primary relationship, both of you need to have raw, transparent conversations. It won't be easy, and it will probably hurt, but healing requires honesty.

Express your feelings, fears, and needs while being willing to listen to your partner's pain. If you're the one who was betrayed, you deserve the full truth, but remember that understanding doesn't happen overnight. Communication is about building a new foundation, stone by stone. Sometimes, it's about laying everything bare to create room for future trust.

2. Therapeutic support

Therapy can be a lifesaver—literally. Whether it's individual therapy or couples counseling, professional guidance can help you navigate the emotional wreckage left behind by a long-term affair. A skilled therapist provides a safe space to process complex emotions, challenge unhealthy patterns, and explore the roots of what led to the affair in the first place.

Consider trauma-informed therapy if you're dealing with intense feelings of betrayal. If you're the one who had the affair, therapy can help you understand your motivations and make sense of your actions. Sometimes, couples choose to work through the fallout together, and therapy can guide you both toward understanding and healing. This step is not a quick fix, but it's a vital investment in your emotional well-being.

3. Transparency and accountability

Transparency isn't just about admitting the affair happened; it's about a commitment to honesty going forward. If you're serious about rebuilding trust, you have to be an open book. This means being willing to answer questions, share your whereabouts, and even give up some privacy—at least temporarily.

Accountability also involves taking responsibility for your actions, not just with your partner but with yourself. If your partner needs to check in with you for reassurance, be patient. These steps aren't permanent but are necessary for healing. It's about demonstrating, day by day, that you're committed to earning their trust back.

4. Self-reflection and responsibility

Self-reflection is a deep and often uncomfortable dive into your motivations and actions. Why did you engage in an affair? What was missing, and what role did you play in the dysfunction? Understanding your patterns can prevent history from repeating itself.

Take responsibility for your choices without minimizing the pain you caused. Owning up to your behavior is more than just an apology; it's about making meaningful changes. You might realize you have unmet emotional needs or unresolved personal issues. Working on these can lead to growth, not just for you but for your relationships in the future.

5. Rebuilding trust slowly

Trust isn't rebuilt overnight. It's a painstakingly slow process, but every small step counts. If you're the one who broke the trust, showing consistency in your words and actions is critical. Keep your promises, be reliable, and show up when you're needed. It's about proving, through repeated behaviors, that you can be trusted again.

For the betrayed partner, learning to trust again is a journey full of setbacks and doubts. Be kind to yourself. Allow time to pass, and don't rush the healing process. Both of you need to work together, understanding that it's not about perfection but about progress. Healing comes one day at a time.

How to prevent future affairs

Preventing future affairs requires proactive work. Start by fostering open communication with your partner. Discuss your needs, your fears, and your desires. When you feel that something's off, don't bury it—address it head-on. Building a strong emotional connection can create a shield against infidelity.

Setting boundaries is also crucial. Be aware of situations that could become slippery slopes, like close friendships that turn overly intimate. Understand your own vulnerabilities and share them with your partner. Mutual accountability and regular check-ins can help keep both of you on track. Remember, a thriving relationship needs constant nurturing, so never get too complacent.

Commonly asked questions

Affairs and their aftermath raise countless questions. People often feel overwhelmed and confused, searching for answers that can bring clarity or closure. Below, we address some of the most common inquiries surrounding long-term affairs and their impact.

Why are affairs so hard to end?

Ending an affair is more complicated than it seems. Emotions get tangled, and the person you're involved with may feel like a lifeline, a source of happiness in an otherwise unfulfilling life. The excitement, passion, and sense of being desired create a strong emotional bond. Ending that connection can feel like ripping away the one thing that makes you feel alive.

There's also the element of guilt and fear. People might worry about the damage caused or fear facing the consequences, whether that's admitting to lies or disrupting their family. It's easier to stay entangled in the affair than confront the painful fallout. And for some, the addiction to the highs and emotional closeness makes saying goodbye seem impossible.

Can affairs lead to true love?

Affairs can lead to genuine feelings, and some do evolve into long-term, committed relationships. But these situations are often built on unstable foundations. Falling in love during an affair doesn't erase the circumstances or deceit that brought you together. Can real love come from this? Sometimes, yes. But it's usually more complicated than romantic tales would have us believe.

Dr. Shirley Glass, a psychologist and expert on infidelity, once noted, “Affairs that become legitimate relationships are at risk of being sabotaged by the very issues that made them affairs.” Trust, once broken, can be difficult to mend, even if both parties believe they are soulmates. Love might be real, but it's rarely smooth sailing.

How does secrecy affect affairs that last for years?

Secrecy gives affairs an intoxicating allure but comes with its own set of emotional consequences. The need to keep everything hidden can be thrilling, amplifying desire and passion. But living in a world of secrets takes a toll. It leads to constant anxiety, paranoia, and emotional exhaustion. The mental energy required to maintain lies can drain a person's spirit.

Over time, the secrecy may erode the very excitement that once defined the affair. The cost of maintaining a double life becomes heavy. People start feeling trapped in their own web of lies, unable to move forward but also unwilling to break free. It's a vicious cycle where the thrill becomes a burden.

How long do affairs usually last?

While every affair is different, research suggests that most affairs last between six months and two years. The initial rush of excitement can keep things going for a while, but over time, reality sets in. Life's challenges, emotional stress, or the fear of getting caught often lead to the affair fizzling out.

However, long-term affairs can stretch for years, especially when both partners feel emotionally invested or are too scared to end things. In those cases, the affair becomes a pseudo-relationship that can be difficult to leave, even if the initial passion has faded. But make no mistake: even these affairs often carry an expiration date.

In conclusion

Long-term affairs are emotional roller coasters that affect everyone involved, leaving scars that may never fully fade. They are driven by deep-seated needs, psychological forces, and sometimes, genuine love. But the aftermath is rarely simple. Healing, growth, and trust-building require time, effort, and, often, professional help.

If you're struggling with the fallout of an affair—whether you were involved or betrayed—remember that you're not alone. People can and do rebuild their lives. It takes bravery, introspection, and the willingness to face hard truths. But moving forward is possible, even if it feels insurmountable at the moment.

Recommended Resources

• Not "Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass - A guide to understanding infidelity and rebuilding trust.
• The State of Affairs by Esther Perel - An exploration of why people cheat and how to recover.
• After the Affair by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring - A resource for healing and rebuilding relationships post-infidelity.