What Is Revenge Cheating? 7 Facts You Should Know

Key Takeaways:

Revenge cheating stems from hurt
Intensifies emotional turmoil
Damages future trust deeply
Often complicates reconciliation
Healthier coping mechanisms exist

Ever felt so betrayed you wanted to hurt someone as much as they hurt you? Revenge cheating, a retaliatory response to a partner's infidelity, taps into that primal urge. It's a self-destructive act fueled by pain and anger, promising short-term relief but bringing long-term damage. We don't always discuss the emotional and psychological turmoil that leads to revenge cheating, but understanding it is key to finding healthier ways to cope.

Let's break down what drives revenge cheating, why it rarely brings closure, and how to process betrayal without inflicting more pain. As Esther Perel writes in her book The State of Affairs, “Infidelity hurts, but sometimes the desire for revenge hurts even more in the end.”

What is revenge cheating? 8 things to know

Revenge cheating happens when someone feels betrayed and seeks to even the score by cheating back. It's not just about infidelity; it's a response wrapped in hurt and anger, a psychological struggle between desire for justice and deeper emotional wounds.

For many, the allure of revenge cheating lies in the temporary sense of power it provides. But this reaction can spiral into a web of complications, often leaving both parties more broken than before. Let's look at why people choose this path and how it affects relationships and self-perception.

1. It's a form of retaliation

Revenge cheating doesn't come out of nowhere. It's retaliation—a way to strike back. When someone discovers their partner has been unfaithful, the emotional devastation can feel insurmountable. In moments of intense pain, anger can cloud judgment, and the thought of inflicting the same hurt can feel gratifying.

From a psychological perspective, this behavior aligns with what researchers call “reciprocal aggression,” the instinct to respond to harm with equal harm. The goal? To make the offender understand the depth of your suffering. But this kind of emotional vengeance rarely heals the original wound.

2. It's driven by intense emotions

We often underestimate the raw emotions driving revenge cheating. Hurt, betrayal, rage, and humiliation fuel a fire that's hard to extinguish. People sometimes act without considering the aftermath, propelled by a whirlwind of grief and indignation.

In those moments, the brain's rational thinking takes a backseat. Emotional responses can override logical decision-making, a phenomenon psychologists call “emotional hijacking.” Once the dust settles, however, many feel a different kind of pain—one that exacerbates feelings of guilt and regret.

3. It's not about new connections

Contrary to what it might seem, revenge cheating isn't typically about forming new romantic or sexual bonds. It's rarely an earnest attempt to replace the partner who cheated or to seek genuine affection elsewhere. Instead, it's often purely about making a point.

Think of it this way: The motivation isn't connection or even pleasure. It's an act meant to send a message, to shake things up and create a sense of justice. This distinction matters, as the absence of authentic intimacy leaves a lingering void that rarely brings the satisfaction someone craves.

4. It complicates the healing process

Healing from infidelity is already complex, involving a myriad of trust issues, shattered expectations, and emotional wounds. Throwing revenge cheating into the mix adds layers of complications. Why? Because it shifts the focus from repairing the relationship to navigating a tangled web of betrayal on both sides.

When both partners are guilty of infidelity, working toward reconciliation becomes an uphill battle. It muddies the waters of communication and creates a blame game that often halts any progress. Healing requires vulnerability and accountability, both of which become nearly impossible when mutual betrayal clouds everything.

Experts often emphasize that revenge never truly leads to closure. As Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship psychologist, explains, “The antidote to betrayal is not retaliation but rebuilding trust through transparency and emotional work.”

5. It indicates a breakdown in communication

When revenge cheating occurs, it's often a glaring sign that communication in the relationship has severely broken down. Rather than expressing feelings of hurt and betrayal, the person retaliates in the most extreme way. And this lack of dialogue can deepen the emotional chasm between partners.

Healthy relationships thrive on open and honest communication. The absence of it creates misunderstandings, assumptions, and unresolved conflicts. In many cases, people turn to revenge as a last-ditch attempt to make their partner feel their pain, all because they don't know how to verbalize the depth of their emotions. This isn't just unfortunate—it's tragic, given the healing power that genuine conversations can offer.

6. It leads to negative psychological effects

The aftermath of revenge cheating can be brutal on one's mental health. Guilt, shame, and regret often replace the temporary satisfaction of getting even. People may experience heightened anxiety, depression, and a distorted self-image, wondering if they've compromised their integrity beyond repair.

Engaging in such self-destructive behavior doesn't just hurt the relationship; it's an emotional gut punch to oneself. The psychological toll can be overwhelming. Feeling responsible for causing pain, even to someone who hurt you first, adds layers of emotional complexity that are hard to navigate. And often, self-compassion becomes the first casualty.

7. It can be a cycle

Revenge cheating often creates a vicious cycle. One partner cheats, the other retaliates, and the tit-for-tat game spirals. Before anyone realizes it, the relationship becomes a toxic arena, with each partner trying to outdo the other's pain. This cycle isn't easy to break.

Why does this pattern repeat? Partly because the initial wounds remain unhealed. When betrayal begets more betrayal, it creates a negative feedback loop where neither partner can feel safe or secure. Psychologists refer to this as “mutual destruction,” a dynamic where each action escalates emotional damage. Breaking free requires courage, self-awareness, and sometimes external support.

8. There are better ways to handle infidelity

Despite the raw pain of infidelity, there are healthier and more constructive ways to cope. Seeking therapy, either individually or as a couple, provides a safe space to process emotions. Friends and family can also be pillars of support. The key is to focus on healing rather than causing harm.

Journaling, mindfulness practices, and even physical exercise can help channel the overwhelming emotions that follow betrayal. Choosing growth over revenge doesn't mean forgetting or forgiving immediately. It means prioritizing your own well-being and recognizing that breaking the cycle is an act of self-respect.

Infidelity hurts. That's undeniable. But choosing not to retaliate can open the door to inner peace and, perhaps, even personal transformation.

5 reasons to avoid revenge cheating

Revenge cheating might seem like the perfect way to get back at a partner who has hurt you. But, more often than not, it only leads to more pain, confusion, and emotional damage. Let's dive into why taking the high road, difficult as it may be, is often the better choice.

1. Perpetuates pain

Revenge cheating doesn't make the original hurt disappear. In fact, it keeps the cycle of pain alive. When you choose to hurt your partner in return, you're actively reopening wounds—yours and theirs. It's like pouring salt into an open cut and expecting it to heal.

The pain might feel justified in the moment, but it doesn't bring genuine relief. Instead, it adds fuel to an already raging fire, making it harder for both partners to recover. Emotional wounds thrive on repeated hurt, and revenge only perpetuates that agony.

2. Erodes trust

Trust is a fragile thing. When infidelity enters a relationship, trust shatters. Revenge cheating grinds those broken pieces into dust. Even if your partner was the one who betrayed you first, engaging in retaliation makes the already difficult task of rebuilding trust nearly impossible.

Trust isn't just about faith in the other person; it's also about feeling safe and secure within the relationship. By cheating in return, you create a bond that's more about mutual suspicion than any sense of emotional safety. Neither person can feel at ease.

3. Lowers self-respect

Engaging in revenge cheating often leaves a person feeling worse about themselves. The satisfaction, if there's any, is fleeting. What lingers is the realization that you've compromised your own values or integrity.

Self-respect comes from acting in alignment with who you want to be, even under extreme emotional pressure. When you stoop to the level of hurting someone who hurt you, you may experience guilt and disappointment. In the quest to get even, the biggest casualty is often your own sense of self-worth.

4. Complicates resolution

Infidelity is complex, no doubt. But when revenge enters the picture, any hope of resolution becomes significantly more difficult. Imagine trying to mend something already delicate, only to break it further. The conversations about rebuilding or even deciding to separate with dignity become messier and more painful.

Resolution—whether it means staying together or parting ways—requires clarity and mutual understanding. Revenge muddles that clarity. Instead of focusing on solutions, both partners get trapped in a battle of blame and retaliation. It becomes less about healing and more about who can one-up the other.

5. Misses opportunity for growth

When you respond to infidelity with revenge cheating, you miss a powerful opportunity for personal and relational growth. Pain, as excruciating as it is, can be a catalyst for change. It can force us to confront uncomfortable truths about our relationships, our boundaries, and even ourselves.

Instead of channeling that hurt into self-destructive behavior, imagine using it as a moment to reflect. What do you really need? How can you honor your self-worth and integrity? Growth doesn't come easy, but revenge cheating robs you of the chance to turn pain into strength.

As author Brené Brown puts it, “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” Growth means facing betrayal with courage, not with retaliation.

FAQs

How can I tell if my partner is revenge cheating?

It's tough to know for sure. People who revenge cheat may exhibit signs similar to those who cheat out of simple infidelity. These include increased secrecy, distancing behavior, or a sudden focus on their appearance. However, because revenge cheating is driven by hurt rather than a desire to connect with someone else, emotional cues can be particularly telling.

Look for signs of unresolved anger or frequent reminders of the original betrayal. A partner harboring unresolved pain might use their behavior to communicate the depth of their hurt, even if it's destructive. If you suspect this is the case, addressing the root issue with honesty and empathy could help bring clarity.

What should I do if I am considering cheating?

First, pause and take a breath. Recognize that the impulse to cheat, especially as a form of revenge, comes from deep emotional distress. Consider talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or even journaling your feelings to gain perspective. Venting your pain in a healthy way can prevent you from making impulsive decisions that could worsen your situation.

Ask yourself what outcome you truly want. Do you want to hurt your partner, or are you looking for genuine resolution? Remember that taking time to reflect doesn't mean you're letting them off the hook. It means you're choosing your peace and integrity over momentary satisfaction.

Can a relationship go back to normal after revenge cheating?

“Normal” might be a stretch. But relationships can sometimes find a new, healthier version of themselves if both partners commit to deep emotional work. Healing from mutual betrayal requires time, vulnerability, and often the guidance of a professional therapist. Both parties need to own their mistakes and be willing to rebuild trust.

Keep in mind that “normal” may not mean what it once did. The relationship could change in fundamental ways. But with effort, open communication, and a shared commitment to grow, there's a chance to create something stronger. It won't be easy. But for some, the work is worth it.

How can therapy help with feelings of wanting to revenge cheat?

Therapy can be a transformative tool when you're grappling with the overwhelming urge to engage in revenge cheating. First and foremost, a therapist provides a safe, nonjudgmental space to process the pain, betrayal, and anger that drive these desires. Sometimes, we just need someone to hold space for our emotions without trying to fix or minimize them.

Through therapy, you can explore why the betrayal affects you so deeply. It's not just about understanding your partner's actions but also about digging into your own emotional history. Often, feelings of rejection and inadequacy come from deeper wounds. A good therapist can help you navigate this inner turmoil and develop healthier ways to cope.

Additionally, cognitive-behavioral techniques can help you challenge impulsive thoughts and reframe your responses. When you learn to recognize harmful thought patterns, it becomes easier to pause and choose a more constructive path forward. It's not about suppressing your anger; it's about using that anger to fuel healing, not destruction.

Final thought

Revenge cheating is a deeply human response to immense pain. It's understandable but rarely ever leads to the healing we crave. The desire for revenge comes from a place of wanting to be seen and understood. But hurting someone else doesn't soothe our wounds—it often deepens them.

True strength lies in facing betrayal with integrity. It's about choosing your well-being and future happiness over temporary satisfaction. If you're struggling, know that it's okay to ask for help and to give yourself grace. Healing isn't linear, and it certainly isn't easy. But choosing to break the cycle of hurt can be one of the most liberating and self-affirming decisions you make.

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