What Is Considered Cheating In A Relationship? 11 Surprising Types Of Infidelity

Key Takeaways:

• Cheating has many faces
• Emotions often precede acts
• Digital worlds complicate trust
• Small actions spark big damage
• Honest communication heals

What Is Considered Cheating In A Relationship?

Almost everyone knows the sting of betrayal that comes from the thought of a partner straying. Yet, when we ask “what is considered cheating in a relationship,” the answer rarely feels simple or universal. Each couple sets different boundaries, shaped by their personal histories, values, cultures, and feelings. For some, having coffee with a friend might feel perfectly innocent. For others, even that small, secretive meeting might read as a red flag. The complexity of human connection—and the longing to feel desired, seen, and secure—makes the concept of infidelity both emotionally charged and deeply personal.

Cheating is not always loud or obvious. It can whisper rather than shout. The most damaging kind of infidelity might not always stem from a steamy affair. Sometimes, it emerges from a neglected emotional bond, a hidden financial secret, or an online world where boundaries blur and hearts grow restless. Understanding what counts as cheating helps you better define your relationship's unique rules and expectations.

We often treat cheating as a simple black-and-white scenario: partner sleeps with another person, trust breaks, relationship ends. But modern life has stretched the definition. Psychologists and relationship experts have begun to recognize the spectrum of infidelity. Some acts stand out, like physical intimacy with someone else. Others creep in quietly: the slow fade of emotional presence, the secret text messages, the late-night video chats, the misleading “friendly” drinks with a coworker, or the silent affair you have with a gaming console or a bottle of wine instead of your partner. These subtle betrayals hurt because they signal a fracture in connection, a drifting apart at the moments you crave closeness.

As therapist and author Esther Perel notes in her book The State of Affairs: “Today, infidelity is less about sex than it is about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel alive.” This insight reminds us that cheating often represents the longing for something missing in the current relationship rather than just a forbidden act. We cheat not just physically, but emotionally and symbolically.

Let's explore these 11 types of infidelity. We'll dive into why they happen and what you can do if you recognize them in your own relationship. This journey might stir deep discomfort, but we can also use it as a roadmap for understanding, healing, and setting healthier boundaries.

1. Emotional Intimacy Outside the Relationship

Picture this: You feel lonely even though your partner sleeps beside you each night. Then someone else starts fulfilling a need, listening deeply to your worries, and sharing their heartfelt experiences. You look forward to their messages, crave their company, and open up in ways you never do at home. This scenario defines an emotional affair—an invisible bond that stands dangerously close to romantic love. Though you may never touch each other, you create a mental and emotional closeness meant for your partner, leaving them emotionally stranded.

An emotional affair hurts because it steals what rightfully belongs within the relationship: trust, openness, and a sense of genuine intimacy. It makes your partner feel replaced in a corner of your heart they thought they owned. While love thrives on trust and honesty, emotional cheating plants seeds of doubt. The partner who feels betrayed might think, “Why aren't they sharing those feelings with me?” or “Am I not good enough to understand them?” The depth of this pain mirrors that of a physical affair, sometimes even surpassing it.

Recognizing emotional cheating means acknowledging where conversations, support, and emotional validation belong. Set clear boundaries early on: agree that confiding deep personal secrets, hopes, and fears should happen first with each other. Make sure your partner feels like your true confidant. If you find yourself more excited to open up to someone else, step back and ask why.

2. Physical or Sexual Affairs

Most people think of physical infidelity when asked, “What is considered cheating?” Indeed, physical or sexual affairs remain the most recognized and universally condemned form of cheating. The violation feels visceral and raw. Betrayed partners often struggle to reconcile that moment of sexual connection shared with someone else, knowing it belonged to them and them alone.

Physical affairs stem from various root causes. Sometimes it's dissatisfaction in the bedroom, a craving for novelty, or seeking escape from unresolved conflicts. Sometimes a partner lacks emotional support and finds a fleeting sense of worth in a physical encounter. Regardless, sexual betrayal often leaves deep scars. It forces difficult questions: Can we rebuild trust? Does love remain?

Healing from a physical affair requires honesty, remorse, and professional guidance. Couples who commit to rebuilding must navigate difficult feelings of anger, shame, sadness, and confusion. Many turn to therapy or counseling, where techniques like the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy help partners heal hurts, strengthen intimacy, and learn how to better communicate their needs.

3. Micro-cheating: The Little Acts That Hurt

Micro-cheating refers to the subtle behaviors that push the boundaries of loyalty without stepping fully into a full-blown affair. You might flirt casually with a stranger at a bar, frequently “like” and comment on an ex's social media posts, or share private jokes with a coworker that feel too close for comfort. Though these acts often seem small and harmless, they create tiny cracks in the foundation of trust. Over time, these little betrayals accumulate, leaving your partner feeling uneasy, jealous, or insecure.

In a world where social media encourages endless connections, micro-cheating emerges as a common pitfall. The question “What is considered cheating” becomes trickier when we blur lines with digital actions. If your partner expresses discomfort, dismissing their feelings by saying “It's no big deal” can invalidate their experience. Instead, acknowledge their concerns, discuss the reasons behind your behavior, and find healthier ways to maintain friendly connections without eroding trust.

4. Financial Secrets and Betrayals

Financial infidelity occurs when a partner hides debts, large purchases, secret savings, or even entire bank accounts from their significant other. Money represents more than currency; it's a form of trust, security, and shared future. When you find out your partner has drained a joint account to fund a secret passion or borrowed money without telling you, you feel betrayed. Such actions damage the integrity of the relationship.

Financial cheating often stems from fear—fear of judgment, conflict, or losing autonomy. But a healthy partnership thrives when you discuss money openly and agree on financial goals. If you can't talk honestly about spending habits or saving plans, you risk chipping away at trust. Consider scheduling regular financial check-ins. Reveal your financial history, fears, and dreams. Turn money from a taboo subject into another layer of your bond. Transparency about finances, just like honesty about emotions, nurtures trust and respect.

5. Cheating in the Digital Age

Cyber cheating involves online relationships that cross boundaries. Maybe you form a romantic connection through social media, sexting with a stranger, or engage in explicit conversations on a dating app. Some people consider watching pornography secretly as a form of betrayal if it feels like a hidden escape that takes emotional energy away from the relationship. The anonymity and convenience of the internet allow secret interactions to bloom more easily than ever before.

Technology makes infidelity more accessible yet more confusing. Virtual worlds feel less “real,” so people might minimize their actions, claiming it's “just online” or “it doesn't mean anything.” But the emotional impact tells another story. Trust shatters when you discover intimate messages or explicit photos exchanged behind your back. Setting tech boundaries becomes essential. Discuss what each partner feels comfortable with regarding online interactions. Stay curious about each other's online habits. Ensuring digital honesty and respect protects both your emotional bond and your sense of security.

6. Romantic Entanglements at Work

The office can create fertile ground for infidelity. Long hours, shared goals, late-night projects, and the adrenaline rush of success can forge connections that slip past casual collegiality. A harmless lunch can turn into subtle flirting. A celebratory drink after landing a big deal can evolve into deep personal sharing and secret attraction. Soon, what started as camaraderie becomes a clandestine romance—a form of cheating many people fail to see coming until it's too late.

Work-based infidelity often arises when boundaries blur due to proximity. Emotional vulnerability and the thrill of accomplishing tasks together can mimic intimacy. The solution lies in clarity: define professional boundaries and discuss what feels appropriate. Admitting that a coworker's attention excites you might sound scary, but it's better than letting tension fester. Couples who talk openly about workplace interactions set a safer stage for trust.

7. Emotional Neglect and Distance

Some forms of cheating involve what you fail to give rather than what you take elsewhere. Emotional neglect leaves a partner feeling invisible. When you consistently withhold kindness, empathy, or support—or you remain physically present yet emotionally distant—it can feel as gut-wrenching as a tangible affair. Partners starve for emotional sustenance, which they might seek elsewhere if their needs go unmet for too long.

This type of infidelity is subtle because it's about absence rather than a new presence. You cheat your partner out of genuine connection. They lose confidence in your love and might begin to doubt the very foundation of your bond. To prevent emotional neglect, check in often. Ask, “How do you feel today?” Express gratitude, show interest in their thoughts, and be present. Emotional availability is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship, and consistently withholding it can feel like an act of quiet betrayal.

8. Substance-Fueled Dishonesty

Substances like alcohol or drugs can warp judgment and create scenarios ripe for infidelity. Imagine a partner who behaves lovingly when sober but, under influence, engages in risky sexual behavior or emotional connections. Perhaps they flirt aggressively at parties, send questionable messages late at night, or form secret bonds at recovery groups without ever telling you. Substance abuse cheating doesn't excuse actions; it complicates them.

Substance-induced betrayal adds layers of confusion and heartbreak. You might ask yourself: “Was it the substance or their true feelings?” A partner who blames their actions on alcohol or drugs tries to shift responsibility. But accountability matters. Seek professional help—individually and as a couple—to address substance issues. Sobriety and therapy can rebuild trust if both partners commit to honesty, long-term recovery, and open communication.

9. When Time Itself Becomes Infidelity

Time might not appear as a resource you can cheat with, but it matters deeply. Neglecting your partner by spending most of your free hours on hobbies, friends, or personal pursuits—and doing so in a way that excludes them—can feel like infidelity. Over time, they begin to sense that you prioritize everything else above them. Your absence, even if not filled by another person, still creates a form of emotional betrayal.

We often underestimate how crucial shared time and experiences are for maintaining a connection. If one partner invests energy into extracurricular passions, late-night video games, or marathon binge-watching solo, the other partner might feel abandoned. Setting aside quality time together serves as a relationship investment. Regular date nights, shared interests, and even simple rituals like cooking dinner as a team restore balance. Being intentional about time respects your partner's need to feel important and valued.

10. Stunting Each Other's Personal Growth

Imagine a scenario where one partner discourages the other's dreams or belittles their attempts at self-improvement. This might mean mocking their desire to return to school, minimizing their hobby, or undermining their efforts to build healthier habits. This subtle sabotage violates the trust that a partner should support and encourage personal growth, not stand in its way.

Cheating someone out of their potential feels as damaging as any secret fling. Each person in a relationship deserves to evolve, learn, and improve. Respect their journey by celebrating successes and sympathizing with challenges. If you find yourself tearing them down or feeling threatened by their ambitions, reflect on your fears. Address insecurities before they turn into obstacles that harm the relationship's integrity.

11. Affairs of the Heart with Objects

We usually think of cheating as involving people. But sometimes, objects—such as smartphones, gaming consoles, or even pornography—can become stand-ins for emotional intimacy. If you invest more affection, time, and attention into a hobby or device than your partner, they might feel replaced by that object. It's a form of quiet infidelity because you focus emotional energy outside the relationship's human core.

Object affairs create distance. When you retreat into a game or scroll endlessly through social media feeds while your partner yearns to talk, you send a message: “This matters more to me than you do.” Creating boundaries around device use, planning tech-free evenings, or developing shared interests can rebuild a sense of closeness. The goal involves recognizing that even non-human “affairs” can undermine trust, intimacy, and satisfaction.

As Shirley P. Glass wrote in Not 'Just Friends': “Most affairs begin as friendships.” This line also applies metaphorically. Infidelity often begins innocently, as a slip or a minor neglect, until it grows into something that topples the relationship's stability. Understanding these 11 types of cheating allows couples to recognize early warning signs and take measures before small issues evolve into devastating betrayals.

Why Understanding Different Forms of Cheating Matters

Defining “what is considered cheating” in a relationship helps couples clarify their boundaries. Without these conversations, misunderstandings run rampant. One partner might view watching adult content privately as harmless, while the other sees it as a severe breach of trust. Differences in opinion can trigger resentment and confusion if not addressed.

Having an open, ongoing dialogue ensures that both partners feel understood and respected. These talks might feel uncomfortable, but they prevent hidden grievances from festering. As couples come to a shared understanding of what constitutes infidelity, they strengthen their relationship's immune system. They learn to spot red flags early and address them before trust erodes beyond repair.

Recognizing the diverse faces of cheating also helps with healing if it occurs. When betrayal happens, couples often face a messy knot of emotions: anger, hurt, shame, fear, and uncertainty. Understanding the specific type of cheating can guide the healing process. For instance, if an affair was emotional rather than physical, the couple might focus on rebuilding emotional intimacy, learning to listen empathetically, and re-establishing an exclusive emotional bond. If the betrayal was financial, a financial counselor, a budgeting plan, or greater transparency might restore trust.

Moving Towards Healing and Prevention

Preventing cheating starts with honest communication. Couples who share their fears and insecurities early on cultivate trust. They learn each other's triggers, boundaries, and desires. Understanding these nuances reduces the temptation to look elsewhere when dissatisfaction emerges. Instead, partners can address problems head-on before resentment accumulates.

If infidelity already occurred, healing takes time and patience. Consider seeking professional help. Therapists trained in relationship dynamics can help you navigate the painful emotions and identify underlying issues. Approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) help couples identify negative cycles, improve emotional responsiveness, and create stronger bonds.

Setting boundaries around technology, friendships, finances, and personal growth can also prevent misunderstandings. For example, agree on what feels comfortable regarding friendships with exes, what private financial information needs sharing, or how often you'll schedule quality time together. Clarity can feel liberating. Both partners know where they stand and what to expect. This reduces the chances of betrayal creeping in unnoticed.

Focus on building healthy intimacy, which involves more than physical closeness. True intimacy includes sharing vulnerabilities, supporting personal ambitions, showing empathy, and investing time in one another's happiness. Celebrate small victories and offer compassion during challenges. Couples who strengthen their emotional core stand a better chance of resisting external temptations.

Finally, embrace curiosity about each other. Relationships evolve. People change as they grow older, pursue new careers, have children, or retire. If you keep asking, “How are you feeling about us?” or “Are we meeting each other's needs?” you maintain a dynamic conversation that adapts to life's shifts. Curiosity and willingness to learn about each other repeatedly reinforce your bond and keep you from seeking fulfillment elsewhere.

Recommended Resources

1. The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel

2. Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass

3. Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

4. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

5. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver