Healing Together: Steps to Navigate Flashbacks (After an Affair)

Life is an unpredictable expedition, full of ebbs and flows, triumphs and trials. In a relationship, specifically, there are instances when everything appears to be sailing smoothly, only to be suddenly confronted by unexpected setbacks. This unforeseen turbulence can leave couples feeling as though they've regressed, obliterating all the progress they had previously made.

Consider the story of Samuel and Elizabeth, who were traveling to a nearby retreat for a weekend getaway. They were engaging in a light-hearted conversation about Elizabeth's workplace and relishing the progress they had made in healing from Elizabeth's extramarital affair a few months back. This trip was a mutual celebration of the resilience they had shown.

Suddenly, Samuel fell silent. Elizabeth noticed his intense grip on the steering wheel and the stern expression on his face. She was perplexed about what had caused this abrupt change in Samuel's demeanor. On being asked, Samuel explained that they had just passed a motel, a franchise of the same chain where Elizabeth and her affair partner used to rendezvous back in their hometown. The mere sight of the motel had brought back a rush of painful memories, leaving Samuel feeling distraught.

Elizabeth felt a wave of desolation. She wondered if they would ever truly overcome the pain of her infidelity. She felt powerless over Samuel's reactions and was unable to anticipate his emotional shifts. Elizabeth was frustrated and questioned Samuel's timing in bringing up her affair. Why, she wondered, did he have to tarnish their weekend with such a reminder? She couldn't possibly eradicate all the motels in the world that might spark memories of her betrayal. Why couldn't Samuel just choose to move on?

The experience of Samuel and Elizabeth highlights the inevitable part of the healing process in a relationship marred by infidelity. Triggers can arise from mundane aspects of everyday life - seeing a car similar to the one owned by the affair partner, receiving a hang-up call, or even driving past a motel with a familiar name. These triggers can prompt memories of the painful feelings that accompanied the discovery of a partner's affair. Moreover, the media, with its frequent references to infidelity, can inadvertently serve as an additional source of these distressing flashbacks.

Even after both partners have agreed that the affair has ended, the reexperiencing of the affair can occur at unpredictable times, causing deep distress to both. It is crucial to note here that the partner who engaged in the affair can also grapple with memories that trigger feelings of guilt, shame, or even lingering feelings for the third party involved. The subsequent sections will provide guidelines on recognizing, responding, and coping with such flashbacks.

Flashbacks, in the strictest sense, refer to the re-living of a traumatic incident with the same emotional, cognitive, and physiological reactions experienced during the original trauma. However, when it comes to affairs, flashbacks often fall somewhere in the middle of a continuum between complete reexperiencing and mere rueful memories. These memories are sufficiently painful to disrupt your thoughts and feelings, yet there is a clear understanding that the trigger is separate from the original event.

Flashbacks can be extremely unsettling to both partners, and misunderstanding or mishandling them can exacerbate their distressing effects. It is not uncommon for the partner who had the affair to perceive the injured partner's flashback as a deliberate effort to hold onto the past or as a means of punishment. On the other hand, the injured partner may feel overwhelmed and hopeless about ever moving past it. Thus, it becomes essential for both partners to develop an effective method of recognizing and responding to flashbacks to prevent hindering their healing process.

Dealing with flashbacks requires a careful balance between addressing them as a couple and managing them individually. If the flashback is highly distressing and needs immediate support, or if it's hampering your ability to interact constructively with your partner, it's crucial to communicate these feelings. However, it's equally important to develop the ability to cope with some of these experiences independently.

In this context, the partner who was involved in the affair also has a vital role to play. They must learn to respond to the injured partner's flashbacks in a way that doesn't exacerbate the situation. If they notice their partner experiencing a flashback, they should invite their partner to share their feelings. It's important to listen attentively, understand their partner's triggers, and avoid becoming defensive. Instead of defending their actions or asserting their innocence, the focus should be on offering support and understanding.

Identifying potential triggers can help both partners recognize high-risk situations. In some cases, it might be possible to avoid these triggers. For instance, one could avoid working late alone to prevent suspicions or fears. Recognizing triggers in advance can help reduce their occurrence and manage their impact more effectively.

Another essential part of handling flashbacks is to understand what the injured partner needs during these challenging moments. These needs may vary across different situations. Often, what's needed is some form of support while experiencing these intense feelings. This support could be a comforting hug, a listening ear, or space to process the emotions independently. Being patient and flexible is key here.

However, it's important to note that experiencing setbacks in the form of flashbacks does not indicate a lack of progress or that recovery is unattainable. In fact, they are a typical part of the healing process. Over time, flashbacks tend to decrease in frequency, intensity, and their traumatic impact on both partners and the relationship as a whole. Maintaining hope, working together, and utilizing effective coping strategies can expedite this process.

Every relationship faces unexpected setbacks. These setbacks are a natural part of life's journey, and they are also opportunities to learn, grow, and strengthen the bond between partners. Recognizing and addressing these issues together, with patience and understanding, can lead to a stronger, more resilient relationship.