Consequences of Affairs When Both Are Married

Key Takeaways:

• Affairs impact multiple families
• Can lead to legal consequences
• Heightened risk of health issues
• Guilt affects mental health deeply
• Surviving an affair takes commitment

Affairs involving two married people aren't just plotlines in dramatic films—they're emotional tsunamis that affect real lives, families, and the very core of our relationships. The complexities and consequences of such situations often leave us feeling confused and overwhelmed. It's easy to think, “This could never happen to us,” yet the reality is often starkly different.

Why do we stray, even when committed? How do we recover from the fallout of these entanglements? Let's dive into what truly happens when married couples face infidelity from both sides.

The definition of an affair

When we talk about an affair, we're discussing more than just a fleeting moment of temptation. An affair typically refers to a romantic or sexual relationship that occurs outside of one's marriage or committed partnership, often kept secret from one's spouse. It's a betrayal of trust, a stepping outside of established boundaries, and can take various forms—from brief encounters to long-term, deeply emotional connections.

While affairs can seem black and white, the reasons they happen are often layered and complex. Dr. Shirley Glass, a well-known psychologist and author of “Not ‘Just Friends,'” describes infidelity as “a gradual process where boundaries are crossed repeatedly.” This reveals the slow, often unsuspected slide into infidelity that can catch even the most loyal partners off guard.

3 Reasons why affairs happen

Infidelity is rarely as simple as we'd like to believe. It's not always about a moment of weakness or a sudden impulse. Instead, it often stems from a complex web of unmet needs, vulnerabilities, or desires for connection. Let's explore some of the most common reasons why two married people might find themselves caught in the web of an affair.

1. Lust

Yes, sometimes it is just about lust. The desire for physical pleasure can be a strong motivator, and when it goes unmet or feels stifled within the confines of marriage, some people seek it elsewhere. According to evolutionary psychology, humans are wired to seek sexual variety. This doesn't excuse infidelity, but it does offer an explanation for why even happily married individuals might feel the pull of attraction toward someone new.

For those who crave novelty, the forbidden aspect of an affair heightens excitement. That rush of adrenaline, the spark of passion, can feel like a drug. However, this pursuit of temporary thrills can leave long-lasting damage that is anything but thrilling.

2. Love and romance

Sometimes, affairs begin not with lust, but with a longing for love and romance. It's the classic scenario: two people connecting over shared interests, intellectual stimulation, or a sense of being truly understood. Married life, with its routine and predictability, often lacks the intoxicating rush of new love. An affair can feel like the rekindling of something we've lost or desperately miss.

Consider attachment theory, which emphasizes our innate need to feel safe and emotionally connected. If this bond becomes strained or neglected in a marriage, it's no surprise that someone might feel drawn to another person who fills that void. When someone listens, validates, and appreciates us in a way we've craved, romance can blossom—often dangerously close to the edge of commitment.

3. Emotional connection

One of the most profound reasons affairs happen is the deep yearning for an emotional connection. It's not always about sex or the thrill of new romance; sometimes, it's about feeling seen, heard, and understood. This need can develop when married partners become emotionally distant, wrapped up in daily stressors or simply taking each other for granted.

Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), highlights that “emotional disconnection is the prime trigger for infidelity.” When someone else steps in and fills that emotional void—listens with empathy, celebrates our victories, or mourns our losses alongside us—it can create a powerful, undeniable bond. Affairs born out of emotional connection are often more difficult to end, as they speak to our deeper needs for intimacy and companionship.

How long do affairs between married couples last?

Affairs vary greatly in duration. Some last for a few weeks, burning brightly before fizzling out. Others endure for months or even years, often driven by the emotional or physical needs of those involved. The longevity of an affair often depends on the intensity of the connection and the secrecy maintained.

Many affairs begin as intense, all-consuming relationships that feel almost addictive. According to research, the typical extramarital affair lasts around six months to two years. However, affairs rarely have a clear, happy ending. They often devolve into cycles of excitement, guilt, and eventual heartbreak as the real-world consequences catch up.

How do affairs between married people start?

Affairs don't usually start with a conscious decision. They often begin as innocent interactions—a friendship that deepens, a workplace camaraderie, or a confidant who provides emotional support. Over time, these connections can blur the boundaries of what is appropriate, slowly building into something more significant. What starts as a friendly check-in or an exchange of compliments can turn into stolen moments and, eventually, a full-blown affair.

Sometimes, affairs ignite in predictable environments, like office settings or social circles. Spending a lot of time together, sharing experiences, and even venting about marital frustrations can accelerate the connection. Before anyone realizes it, they've crossed lines that seemed unimaginable at the start.

Example 1

Imagine two colleagues, both married, who work together on demanding projects. They often stay late, sharing meals and leaning on each other during stressful times. Over months, their camaraderie evolves into deeper emotional intimacy. What started as friendly chats and harmless jokes turns into shared secrets, inside jokes, and constant texting.

One evening, a work trip away from home provides the perfect storm. In an unfamiliar city, with the weight of their emotional bond growing stronger, they cross the line. Guilt and excitement mix in a way they never anticipated. This example, while fictional, reflects how gradual the progression toward an affair can be. One small step leads to another, and the illusion of “it just happened” often feels true to those involved.

How do affairs between married people end?

Not every affair ends the same way. Some come crashing down under the weight of secrecy and guilt, while others fizzle out as the excitement fades. The end of an affair is rarely tidy; it leaves emotional wreckage that touches many lives. Let's discuss some ways these relationships come to a close.

1. Marital commitment

Many affairs end because the individuals involved choose to recommit to their marriages. This decision often comes after a wake-up call, like the threat of discovery or the realization of what's truly at stake. When both partners in a marriage are willing to work through the betrayal, healing can begin.

Couples who survive infidelity often undergo marriage counseling, guided by experts like Dr. John Gottman, who emphasize rebuilding trust and fostering honest communication. Recommitting isn't easy, but for those determined to save their marriage, it becomes a transformative journey. They learn to repair broken bonds and confront the issues that led to infidelity in the first place.

2. Moral conscience

Sometimes, guilt becomes too much to bear. The affair partner may feel overwhelmed by the realization of how their actions contradict their values or harm their families. This moral reckoning can prompt an abrupt end to the relationship. Facing one's conscience can be excruciating, as the emotional weight of deceit crashes down, demanding change.

People often feel conflicted, knowing that coming clean may bring pain to loved ones. Yet, some see it as the only path to redemption, driven by a need to realign their actions with their sense of right and wrong. The affair might end, but the guilt and self-reflection can last much longer.

3. Divorce and Remarriage

In some cases, the affair doesn't end but rather transforms into something more permanent. If an individual feels that the affair partner is their true love or soulmate, they may choose to leave their marriage. This can lead to divorce and, eventually, remarriage to the affair partner.

However, this path is fraught with challenges. According to relationship studies, marriages that begin as affairs have a lower success rate, burdened by trust issues and the stigma of how they started. The grass isn't always greener, and what once felt exhilarating may lose its shine under the harsh light of reality.

Ultimately, the way an affair ends depends on the people involved, their relationships, and their motivations. The aftermath may bring pain, healing, or new beginnings—but it's always complex and rarely easy.

What percent of marriages survive affairs?

The question of survival after infidelity is as old as the institution of marriage itself. Statistics on the subject vary, but research consistently shows that about 60-75% of marriages do survive an affair. That might seem surprisingly high, but it doesn't mean the road to recovery is easy. Far from it.

Staying together after an affair requires immense effort, honesty, and a willingness to rebuild broken trust. The couple must navigate a labyrinth of emotional pain, address underlying issues, and often engage in intensive therapy. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, author of “After the Affair,” emphasizes that “the key to surviving an affair lies not in the act itself but in how the couple deals with it afterward.” Recovery can transform a relationship, but only if both partners are genuinely committed to healing.

While some marriages grow stronger, others crumble under the strain. Reconciliation is never a guarantee, and the emotional toll is enormous. But for many, the desire to stay united for family, financial, or personal reasons provides the motivation to give it a fighting chance.

Consequences encountered in affairs when both parties are married

When both individuals involved in an affair are married, the ripple effects extend far beyond just the two of them. The fallout impacts multiple families, intertwining lives in ways that are often painful and irreversible. Let's dive into the most significant consequences that come into play.

1. Affairs affect two families

Affairs between two married people don't just shatter trust between the couples involved—they can send shockwaves through entire families. Imagine the pain of children caught in the middle, struggling to make sense of their parents' actions. Relationships with extended family members, like grandparents or in-laws, may also suffer, adding layers of tension and sorrow.

Family gatherings become awkward or even non-existent. Bonds that took years to form can dissolve overnight, leaving everyone to pick up the emotional pieces. Affairs often come with a staggering sense of betrayal, and that betrayal spreads far and wide, affecting the innocent as much as the guilty.

2. It may lead to legal troubles

Affairs don't just have emotional consequences; they can lead to legal complications, too. In some states, infidelity may be grounds for divorce, impacting alimony, child custody, or the division of assets. Additionally, a betrayed spouse might pursue legal action, making the aftermath even messier and more stressful.

Imagine a scenario where both couples' assets are tied up in legal disputes, or when accusations of adultery are used to sway a judge's decision in a custody case. The drama of infidelity doesn't always stay within the walls of the home—it can spill into courtrooms, draining finances and taking an emotional toll on everyone involved.

Beyond divorce proceedings, there's also the potential for workplace complications if the affair began on the job. An extramarital relationship that violates company policies could lead to job loss or professional repercussions, adding yet another layer of stress to an already complicated situation.

3. Increased risk of getting an STD

One often-overlooked consequence of affairs is the increased risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). When two married people engage in infidelity, they usually don't think about the health implications—until it's too late. The risk becomes higher if one or both partners in the affair have other sexual relationships outside their marriages.

Bringing an STD into a marriage can create not only physical health complications but also a profound sense of betrayal and mistrust. The potential for unknowingly exposing an innocent spouse to these risks adds another heavy burden of guilt. Discussions around sexual health aren't easy, but they are necessary to prevent further harm and understand the consequences fully.

4. Guilt and mental health issues

Guilt isn't just a fleeting emotion—it can be a soul-crushing weight that affects mental health significantly. People involved in affairs often experience intense guilt, shame, and anxiety, especially if they care deeply about their spouse and children. This guilt can manifest as depression, panic attacks, or chronic stress, making it difficult to function day-to-day.

Over time, the mental toll can become unbearable. Living a double life and constantly worrying about being caught creates a relentless psychological strain. Studies have shown that long-term stress and guilt can lead to more severe mental health issues, impacting self-worth and emotional stability.

In some cases, the person engaging in the affair might feel trapped, wishing to come clean but fearing the devastation it would cause. Therapy can be beneficial, but the road to emotional recovery is often long and filled with obstacles. The pain of betraying loved ones, combined with the fear of losing them, can leave lasting scars.

The bottom line

Affairs are complicated, messy, and painful. They rarely end in a “happily ever after,” and the consequences often outweigh the fleeting moments of happiness or excitement. If you find yourself or someone you know on the brink of such a situation, it's worth considering the long-term impact. We all make mistakes, but understanding the potential outcomes can guide us toward healthier choices and relationships.

Healing from infidelity is possible, but it requires deep work, self-awareness, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. Whether you're on the side of the betrayed or the betrayer, remember that seeking help and guidance can make all the difference in finding a path forward.

Recommended Resources

• “Not ‘Just Friends'” by Dr. Shirley Glass – A comprehensive look at infidelity, offering tools for healing and understanding the dynamics of betrayal.
• “After the Affair” by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring – A guide to rebuilding trust and recovering emotionally, whether you're the hurt partner or the unfaithful one.
• “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman – Insightful strategies to strengthen your marriage and prevent future conflicts, including the issue of infidelity.